~epilogue~
Eight weeks later…
‘People talk about happy endings. Fat load of crap, if you ask me. Never believed in that rot. When people are alone and miserable, they need hope. Need to believe that some day, they’ll get their happily ever after. But what they don’t seem to realize is that when you’re truly happy, you don’t want things to end. You want the moment to last forever.
But the truth is, sooner or later, all things will come to an end. It’s the simple fact of life. Life’s not fair. No point in denying that. Some people just don’t realize how lucky they are. Sometimes I wonder what my life would’ve been like today if things had been different. Would I still be the same person? Probably not. Like to think I turned out okay after all. At least Buffy seems to think so.
Thing is, if it hadn’t been for Buffy, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be here today. Haven’t told her, but I get the feeling she already knows. She just doesn’t like to think about it. Can’t say i blame her. Anyway, with the risk of sounding like a ponce, Buffy’s my salvation. I met her when I had hit rock bottom, and she believed in me when I didn’t even believe in myself. Don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay her for it. But I’ll gladly spend the rest of my life trying.‘
“Hey.” Buffy smiled softly as she entered the room. “Don’t mind me, just passing by.”
“S’okay, m’almost done.” Spike put the pen down, wiggling his fingers with a grimace. “Bloody hell, feels like I’ve been doing this for hours. What time is it?”
She glanced at her watch. “Almost midnight. I was just getting ready for bed. Big day tomorrow.”
“Oh, right.” His face lit up. “Ten-fifteen, yeah?” She nodded. “Told your mum I won’t be at the gallery until after lunch. I’ll drop you off on the way.”
“All right.” Buffy hesitated for a moment. “I’m kinda nervous.”
“Makes two of us, then.” He got up, and she happily walked right into his waiting arms. Resting his cheek against the top of her head, Spike was quiet for a moment before he spoke up again; “Part of me still can’t believe this is really happening.”
“I know.” She wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him hard.
’Had another nightmare last night. First one in almost two weeks. Didn’t make it any easier, though. Was just so bloody real. The feeling of his hands on me, the sound of his voice. The taste of... Fuck! Just thinking about it makes me wanna heave. I know he’s gone, but in a way, he’s not. As long as I’ll be able to remember what happened, a part of him will always be here. Haunting me.
I get by, though. One day at the time. Guess I can live with the bloody nightmares, even if it means going back to the hell I so desperately wish to be able to leave behind. As long as she’ll be there when I wake up. And I believe she will. In that case, anything’s bearable. Cause when I’m in her arms, I’m in heaven.’
“You coming to bed?”
Spike nodded. “In a minute.” He paused. “Sure it’s safe to...?”
“Oh, yeah. Definitely.” A smile spread on Buffy’s face. “How about you’ll finish up here, and I’ll...?” She raised a brow, suggestively, before nodding towards the bedroom.
“Better hurry, then.” His eyes ran over her body, and he could feel himself already getting hard. He had been raised to think of sex as nothing but a punishment. But with the right person, it could be something wonderful. And sometimes, it could even lead to a miracle.
’Buffy and I moved into the new apartment about a month ago. It may not be much, but it’s ours. She’s been doing most of the decorating, says she wants our new place to be comfy. I suggested painting the bedroom black, and she had a fit. Let her do pretty much what she wanted after that, decided it would probably be safer. Good thing she doesn’t like pink, or we’d be in trouble.’
“Hey, guess what?” Buffy suddenly remembered something. “Willow called earlier, practically screaming my ear off. Apparently, Oz finally asked her out.”
“That right?” Spike raised a brow. “Good for her.”
Buffy rolled her eyes. “She made me promise we’d go on a double date with them some time. You don’t mind, do you?”
“’Course not.” He gave her an assuring smile. Over the last couple of weeks, he had gotten to know Buffy’s friends quite well. At first, it had mostly been about him making an effort for her sake, but he had soon come to realize that he actually enjoyed their company as well. It was another whole new experience for him.
“You think we should tell them?” She bit her lip, thoughtfully. “Don’t know if I can keep it a secret much longer. I’m just too happy.”
’What can I say? The first time Buffy and I made love, she told me I was amazing. I, on the other hand, practically told her she was off her rocker. Turns out I did something right after all. Because there’s a living proof of that inside her. How ‘bout that? She’s got her first doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I’ll be there too, of course. Wouldn’t miss it for anything.
Think I took the news pretty well. After a while, that is. My first reaction when Buffy told me she was pregnant... Well, I thought she was joking, so naturally, I started laughing. She wasn’t as amused, though. When I realized she was serious, I started bawling like a sodding nancy-boy. Which, of course, set her off as well. Think it took a whole day for it all to sink in. Then I felt like the luckiest man alive.
Still have my doubts, though. There are days when I’m convinced that I’m gonna be a horrible father. I mean, my experiences of parental love and guidance are about as non-existing as they can get. What the bleeding hell could I possibly give this kid? But then there are times when I think I might not do so bad after all.’
“Maybe we should tell Giles the next time we see him.” Buffy giggled. “Bet he’ll start cleaning his glasses. Have you noticed how he always does that when he doesn’t know what to say?”
Spike snorted. “Surprised he hasn’t broken ‘em by now.”
Buffy shook her head in amusement. “Well, maybe he has. He probably has a whole bunch of them in his desk drawer. Next to the Jaffa Cakes.” She paused. “I think he’ll be happy for us, don’t you?”
“Yeah.” He took her hand and pressed a soft kiss to her palm.
’Joyce is the only one who knows so far. She’s thrilled, although she claims she’s way too young to become a grandmum. Sometimes I think of my mum, wondering what her reaction would’ve been. Honestly, I doubt she’d even care. If I sound bitter, it’s probably because I am. Went to her grave the other day. Would like to say it was my idea, but then I’d be giving myself too much credit.
It was Giles who insisted I’d go. Said it would be an important step towards making peace with my past. He says that a lot. Most of the times, he’s right. Anyway, I went there. Think I stood in front of the sodding grave for almost half an hour, waiting to feel something. Anything. Read the name on the stone over and over again, picturing her face in my head. Giles says grief can’t be forced, and I’m starting to believe him.’
“Mm.” Buffy closed her eyes as their lips met, melting into his embrace. Then she reluctantly pulled back. “Not now. Finish what you’re doing. Smoochies later.”
“Right.” He leaned in to give her one last kiss. “Wait for me in bed? Be right there.”
She nodded, giving him a teasing smile. “Just don’t make me wait too long. Starting to get very tired. I might fall asleep before you’ll get there.”
“That so?” Spike smirked. “Think I have an idea or two how to make you wanna stay awake...” Seeing how her eyes widened, he had to grin as she turned around and headed towards the bedroom.
’Some days are better than others. There are days when I don’t think about my past at all. Happens more and more often these days. It’s a relief, but also exhausting. Because I know that sooner or later, the world will come crashing down again. Giles told me once that my past will always be a part of me, that I will learn to live with it, but I’ll never really get over it. Don’t like the thought of that, but I suppose it’s true.
It’s my life, though, and I have no choice but to accept it. Ethan Rayne. Still have a hard time saying that name out loud, and it’s not any easier to write it. The bastard was married to my mum. Together, they ruined my life. Him by constantly beating me up, raping me and abusing me in any ways possible. Her by allowing it to happen. Now they’re both buried six feet under ground, and I’m left trying to pick up the pieces.’
“Sweetie?”
Spike jumped when he felt her hand on his shoulder. Quickly wiping his eyes, he tried to smile, although it came out more like a grimace. “I just...” He stopped, at a loss for how to explain. Instead he just reached out for her, and she immediately slid down on his lap, wrapping her arms around him.
“I know.” She didn’t say anything more, just pressing her cheek gently against his. They sat in silence for a couple of minutes. Finally he pulled back a little, and she softly brushed away his tears with her thumb. “You okay?”
He nodded. “Yeah, m’fine, luv. Now.”
’Think I get it now. The thing about healing. It’s a process. Doesn’t happen over a night, or even a year. Might take a lifetime. Maybe I’ll never get to feel like a whole person after what I’ve been through. But I realize now that as long as I have Buffy, I’m not really broken anymore, either. Don't know if that makes much sense. Still, know in my heart that it’s true. For the first time in my life, I’m not alone. I’m actually a part of a family.’
“Wanna read it?” He nodded towards the book.
Buffy bit her lip before nodding. “Yeah, sure. If you want me to.”
Instead of answering, Spike just took the book and gave it to her. “Long as you do me a favor.”
Taking the black notebook from him, somewhat hesitantly, Buffy gave him a questioning look. “Anything. What is it?”
“Wait until tomorrow?” He looked down at his hands, suddenly a little embarrassed. “Rather be somewhere else when you read it, if you don’t mind. And I...” Spike looked up and their eyes met. He swallowed. “...kinda need you right now.”
Putting the book down on the table, Buffy slowly got up and reached out her hand towards him. Eyes locked on hers, he took her hand and stood up as well. For a moment, they just looked at each other. Then he slipped his arms around her, resting his forehead against hers. “God, I love you,” he whispered.
She nodded, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. “Love you, too. Always will.” He gave her a soft smile, letting his fingers run tenderly down her cheek. Then they walked hand in hand towards the bedroom.
THE END
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Wow. Words can't express how I feel right now. I've been writing this story for more than a year, and now it's over. There's so much I'd like to say, but right now, my mind is completely blank. So, I'll just say - to each and everyone of you who have read this story, to all of you who have taken your time to leave me a comment, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I never would've been able to finish this without your support. Love you all!