The warmth I feel beside me is slowly fading
Would she hear me if I called her name?
Would she hold me if she knew my shame?
London July 2008
William sat on the kitchen island and ruefully sipped on his hot chocolate, while he pondered over the enigma that was Buffy Summers.
She was beautiful, no doubt about it. Witty from what he’d seen with her interaction amongst her friends and close allies. Maybe not the brightest of the bunch, but certainly street smart. And although her figure was petite and seemingly soft, he felt the power that literally coursed through her body. A true slayer.
The slayer.
The one…
William took another sip and then a bite of the cream cheese bagel that he held in his other hand.
The one…
Funny how these words and sentences suddenly could pop up in his head; a mockery to his loss of memory.
They plagued him with their elusive nature; taunting him with the mere hint of a memory. Like the dreams that he had about her.
Buffy Summers…
“Hi.”
William blinked and turned around to meet the curious gaze from a young girl that stood in the doorway leading into the kitchen. She was a timid little thing, with red her and big eyes. Yet she breathed senior slayer.
“Vi, right?” he asked and gave her a warm smile.
She nodded and inched closer, looking so shy and withdrawn that William had to press back the urge to ask her if she was alright.
“We’ve met,” she revealed and sat down on the other side of the island. “In Sunnydale.” There was a short pause – as if she waited for some reaction from him, but as she didn’t get any, she continued: “You helped Buffy train us. We were only Potentials back then.” Another pause. “You also thought us the valuable lesson that a slayer always has to reach for her weapon – but you already got yours.”
“I did, huh?”
“You were always there, ya know. Like a constant shadow to Buffy.” Her eyes roamed over his body. “Many of us had a crush on you, but you never noticed. You were all to busy ogling at Buffy.” Pause. “You really loved her, ya know.”
William simply stared. Then:
“Okay, who sent you?”
Silence.
“Tell me or I rip your throat out.”
“It was Dawn,” Vi revealed quickly.
Her disclosure was followed by a tiny sigh from behind the door and as William focused his eyes in that direction, Dawn stepped out into view with a tiny wink of her head. The little vixen didn’t even seem ashamed that she’d literally been caught with the hand in the cookie jar.
“Hi, William,” she muttered and walked over to the island. As she reached it, Vi quickly got up on her feet and made a hasty retreat.
“Why the third degree?” asked William and gazed inquiringly at Dawn as she sat down.
“It’s not a third degree per say,” she drawled on avoided his gaze. “I was only…”
“Dawn,” he interrupted, “there’s no point. I don’t remember loving your sister.”
But I could easily love her now.
“But,” she wailed and slumped on the island, “how can you not?!! You loved her so much!” She looked up at him with brimming eyes. “Fuck you, you got your soul back for her!”
“What?”
“I said…”
“I heard,” he held up a hand and blinked furiously. “Is it true?”
She nodded silently.
“Spike…” she stopped when he gave her a cold stare. “William… You and Buffy… It was complicated. Story made short: you hurt her and felt so guilty that you got a soul for her to prove your love.” Pause. “And you did. And she loved you back. The rest of us might not have wanted to know that, but…” She snivelled, “…you belonged together.”
William tried to take it all in, but found that difficult. Even tough he understood that kind of love, nothing told him that he’d been in the receiving end of such strong emotions. And that was apparent in his reply to the sorrowful young woman.
“’m sorry, Dawn. But I don’t remember anything of that.”
“But,” she said and blinked away some tears, “you have to!” Sob. “Buffy is the…”
She’s the One…
William blinked and stared in confusion at Dawn.
“What did you say?”
“I said that Buffy is not whole if you don’t remember her. Her life has been crazy since she thought she’d lost you.”
“’m sorry,” was all he could say once more. Then he got up from his chair and left the kitchen and the mourning woman.
You’re the One, Buffy…”
~ ~ ~ ~
William stared in misbelieve at the green skinned man with a serious clothes issue. Didn’t the demon know that mustard yellow didn’t go very well with his skin tone? He repressed a shiver and the wish to cover his eyes and chose to instead confront the loon.
“You cannot be serious.” Pause. “It’s impossible.”
“Oh, come on!” the one called Lorne sighed.
“Absolutely not,” William persisted.
“If I ask nicely?”
“’s still a no,” William said determent.
“It’s just a song, cheeks.”
“I said no. and don’t call me ‘cheeks’.”
“If you sing a few lines I might be able to get a read on what had happened to you.”
William clenched his teeth and shook his head. Why was everyone so eager to get him to remember his past? Didn’t they understand that it could lead to something disastrous? His entire being shouted that the return of his memory would have dire consequences.
“No.”
“Just a tune, ‘andsome,” begged the demon and blinked at him with red eyes. “And let us see if there’s some Spike in there still…”
Suddenly William was so full heartedly tired of all of them ranting on about ‘Spike’ that something inside him snapped. Literally. And without thinking he opened his mouth.
“I died So many years ago. But you can make me feel Like it isn't so…”
He came to an abrupt halt as he noticed the shocked expression of the green demon and also when he suddenly felt her. And where the hell did that song come from?!
“Sweet holy cannelloni,” exclaimed Lorne as he stared with big eyes at William. Then he also seemed to sense the intruder and turning around he found himself face to face with a pale Buffy.
“Oh my God,” she whispered.
William couldn’t agree more.
Oh my God…
~ ~ ~ ~
William looked up at the ceiling. Then he looked at the white walls. Later he found his feet very interesting. In fact, he looked at everything and everyone – except her.
Buffy…
I remember her.
Remember loving her.
Getting my soul back for her.
Dying for her…
Still there were only flashed of her and their past passing through his mind, but it was enough. Oh, it was enough.
All the pain. Betrayal. Heartache. The harsh words. The taunting. The sexual innuendo. The grief. And the passion…
Fire and ice.
William finally found it in himself to look at her. Really look at her. And his heart threatened to pop right out of his chest.
He could see the hope in her eyes. The wish that he remembered her. The love she so obviously held for Spike – and only Spike.
But truth was that even to he remembered her, he wasn’t Spike. He just had the guy’s memories.
The thing that had made Spike Spikewas gone.
“Spike?” asked Buffy and stepped forward.
Lorne shook his head.
“It’s not him, princess.” He said sorrowfully. Then he turned his focus to the blond slayer. “But you really thought so, didn’t you?” He frowned. “There’s something…”
“Why would you think he was Spike again?” asked Giles confusedly. “We told you that there were no way to restore his memory…”
“But there is!” Buffy exclaimed and sent him and Willow a cold stare. “Isn’t there?”
There was a short silence.
“How could you know…?”
“The First told me that it was possible.”
“The First…?” Giles and Willow looked at each other. Then they turned in unison to stare at Buffy with dread in their eyes. “Buffy, what did you do?”
William turned his gaze to the now flustered Buffy and felt a ping of fear as he noticed the guilt stricken look she had in her face.
God, no…
A sharp pain in his chest and head made him suddenly gasp for air and before he fell to the floor he noticed the stunned expression in the others faces.
Hell, it hurt…
“Spike!” Buffy cried and sank to her knees beside him.
“William!” yelled Ana and sat down on the opposite side of Buffy.
He turned his head from Ana to Buffy and then back to Ana again. The only real familiar face amongst all strangers. But then again…
He could hear Buffy’s silent cried next to him and as he slowly focused on her he found himself under serious attack of memory flashes:
A flash of him and Buffy in a dark alley, Buffy saying: “What happens on Saturday?”
And his answer: “I kill you.”
A flash of a door opening and Buffy steps in, dragging him behind her. Him saying: "Hey! Watch it!"
"One more word out of you, and I swear.."
"Swear, what? You're not gonna do anything to me. You don't got the stones."
"Oh, I got the stones. I got a whole bunch of .. stones."
"Yeah? You're all talk."
"GILES! I accidentally killed Spike. That's okay, right?"
Another flash of them sitting opposite each other on bar stools. Him saying: “Death is on your heels, baby, and sooner or later it’s gonna catch you...And a part of you wants it… not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but because you’re just a little bit in love with it.”
Buffy quickly swabs him in the face.
Him laughing.
“Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. That final gasp. That look of peace. Part of you is desperate to know: What’s it like? Where does it lead you? And now you see, that’s the secret. Not the punch you didn’t throw or the kicks you didn’t land. Every Slayer… has a death wish. Even you. The only reason you lasted this long as you have is you’ve got tied to this world… your mum, your brat sister, the Scoobies. They all tie you here but you’re just putting off the inevitable. Sooner or later, you’re gonna want it. And the second, the second, that happens…You know I’ll be there. I’ll slip in… have myself a real good day.”
A flash of Buffy sitting on the stairs as he approaches.
"What do you want now?"
"What's wrong?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Is there something I can do?"
A flash of Buffy as she stares at him incredulously, saying: ”Is this a date?”
” A… Please! A date? You are completely off your bird! I mean - Do you want it to be?"
"Are you out of your mind?"
"It's not so unusual. Two people ... in the workplace ... feelings develop."
"No! No, no, feelings do not develop. No feelings."
"You can't deny it. There's something between us."
"Loathing. Disgust."
"Heat. Desire."
A flash of Buffy chained as he stands in front of her, telling her: “I’m drowning in you, Summers. I’m drowning in you.”
Yet another flash were Buffy turns to him, eyes brimming with emotions.
“We’re not all gonna make it. You know that? “
“I always knew I would go down fighting.”
“I’m counting on you. To protect her.”
“ ‘til the end of the world. Even if it happens to be tonight.”
The painful memory of sitting opposite of Buffy, holding her hands. Her asking him: "How long was I gone?"
"Hundred forty-seven days yesterday. Uh ... hundred forty-eight today. 'Cept today doesn't count, does it?"
Another memory. This one of him and Buffy in the dark crypt. Him telling her: "But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but ... after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again ... do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways ... Every night I save you."
Then the aching memory of the expression in her face as she looks at him in the dark church.
"Your soul . . ."
"A bit worse for lack of use."
"You got your soul back. How?"
"It’s what you wanted, right? It’s what you wanted, right? And now everybody’s in here, talking. Everything I did, everyone I . . . and him . . . and it . . . the other. The thing beneath – beneath you. It’s here, too. Everybody. They all just tell me go. Go — to hell . . ."
"Why? Why would you do that?"
"Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he mustn’t? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev… To be a kind of man."
A flash of them standing in the kitchen, him asking: “Where you there with me?”
“I was.”
“What does that mean?”
Then the memory that probably hurt the most; Buffy staring up at him, her eyes filled with tears as she slowly laces her fingers through his. Holding on to him as their hands caught on fire. Her whisper: “I love you.”
“No, you don’t, but thanks for saying it.”
William felt something burst inside of him and throwing back his head in pain, he opened his mouth to let out an almost inhumanly cry.
Through his painful daze he could her Buffy cry his… no, wait…
“Spike!!”
Then everything turned to black.
The broken bones they heal no more, no more
With my last breath I'm choking
Will this ever end I'm hoping
My world is over one more time
Tbc…