London May 2008
Buffy sat huddled in the sofa and stared out into the darkness of the night. Her insides ached and her faith in the people she considered friends and family severely broken.
They’d lied to her – over and over again. Kept secrets from her. Believed they knew what was best for her.
Just like they had done back in Sunnydale.
At least they haven’t thrown me out of the house.
Yet…
She snorted. She didn’t put that past them.
Bastards…
She could hear them whispering down in the kitchen; arguing over how to reach through to her. Let them, she thought viciously and blinked away the sudden prick of tears. And see how they like to have another set of bruises to parade around with.
After Dawn had told her everything (Buffy had made sure about that) Buffy’s first reaction had to slap her younger sister in the face. No regrets. The little bitch had certainly deserved that. Next act had been to attack Xander who lingered in the doorway, looking like a scared puppy. Oh, the sick joy she had felt when she kicked the living shit out of him. ‘Oh,’ she had sneered when he had moaned in pain, ‘it hurts doesn’t it? How would you like to be completely blind? Then you wouldn’t be able to mess with my life!’
She hadn’t recognized herself at that moment and a part of her had been absolutely petrified that she’d been able to beat up someone she considered family to such a degree.
But another, very dark and twisted, part of her had enjoyed this cruel act. Her Slayer. The demon that resided inside her had found it to be poetic justice.
Her demon….
Some nights, it would keep her awake, rambling about betrayal and blood. Then there were times when it would sulk in silence, without a doubt plotting for a way to make her suffer the most. Make her pay for not acknowledging the love for her soul mate in time to stop him from dying.
‘He’s dead,’ it would whisper to her in the lonely ours. ‘Dead. Dead. DEAD…’
He’s dead…
Because you killed him. You murderous bitch. You killed him.
Shut up.
You left him to die alone…
Stop it.
You let him die thinking he wasn’t loved…
Please…
Murderer. You killed him. You destroyed him… You put out his spark…
Shut. Up. Shut. Up. SHUT UP!…
Of course it never shut up. It was always there; a constant reminder of the failure that she was. A beast clawing at her insides, consuming her flesh and gnawing at her already broken heart.
Sometimes it hurt so much that she just wanted it all to end.
She almost welcomed the idea.
But the same twisted and sick part of her that caused her to suffer to such degree also wanted her to live. It jabbered at her for being so weak, so unslayerish. It howled in protest every time she held a razorblade to her wrist. Wailed when she swallowed too many pills for its liking. It dragged her kicking and screaming back to reason – and even tough she cursed the damn thing she eventually found that she was thankful for its interference.
‘cause truth was; that how depressed and tired she would feel – she didn’t want to die.
That’s the coward’s way out…
A tiny flicker of a smile played over her lips as she thought of how Spike would’ve reacted if he knew hw many times she almost had surrendered to that ‘slayer death wish’ he’d told her about.
‘Fuck the hell with slayer death wish’, luv” he would have said with that cocky grin of his. “You have to live. Fight. Be Buffy. ”
You have to live so one of us is living.
Trust it to Spike to be so honest.
Stupid vampire…
Buffy drew in a tired breath and rested her heavy head against her knees. With red stained eyes she gazed out the window as a shooting star fell from the sky.
Wisely she kept any wish she had to herself.
~ ~ ~ ~
That night, as she slept, Buffy rested in the arms of her lover once again.
They lay cuddled up on the tiny cot, spooning each other. Spike had his arm casually thrown over her slender frame and his head buried in the crock of her neck.
She giggled when he blew raspberries on her skin and turn her head so that she could meet his gaze. His eyes…
Those incredible eyes that could see the very soul of her looked at her as she was the centre of his Universe.
“Your feet are cold.”
“Duh,” he rolled his eyes, “vampire here, luv.”
She elbowed him in the ribs for his sarcasm and repressed another giggle as he huffed in protest.
“Always have to play it rough, eh?” he teased and nibbled at her earlobe. “Well, two can play that game.”
Buffy burst into laughter as he mercilessly tickles her sides.
She needed this; the distraction from what would come. The unconditional love that shone at her from his amazing eyes.
“Make love to me.”
He freezes for a moment; shock evident in every line of his beautiful face. Then he seems to pick up on something, maybe from her pleading expression and a hesitant smile slowly forms on his lips.
Lips of Spike!!
“Are you sure?”
She simply nods and turns her body around so that she’s lying face to face with him; their breaths mixing with each others.
Never been more sure.
Buffy raises her arms so that he can pull of the top, which he does skilfully while raining kisses down on her exposed skin. She squirms under him and giggles softly as if he got to a sensitive spot.
Spike caresses her cheek before tangling his hand in her locks, tilting her head up so that he can deepen the kiss. Buffy mimics his gesture by lifting her hand to grip a handful of his curls.
Spike’s mouth leaves Buffy’s for a moment to travel down her exposed neck, planting kisses all the way down to her collarbone and then travelling up again to once again rest against her eager lips.
“I love you.”
“I love you too,” she whispers against his lips.
“No you don’t, but thanks for saying it.”
No, you don’t, but thanks for saying it….
~ ~ ~ ~
Buffy wakes up screaming, literally bathing in sweat and with her breath caught in her throat. If she was able to die from sheer pain she would’ve been dead right about now.
The dream (a real memory actually – except the last part) that had started so innocent and sweetly had quickly turned into yet another nightmare.
No, you don’t, but thanks for saying it.
Would his words forever haunt her? Torture her with their rejection?
Why hadn’t he believed her? Why hadn’t he told her that he loved her too and then taken off the damned amulet to follow her out of the cavern?
Why had he chosen death over a life with her?
Ultimately, Spike had stayed behind while she had fled up the stairs and over those roofs and on to the bus.
Ultimately, Spike had literally cindered to death while she stood overlooking the crater that was all that was left of the Sunnydale Hellmouth.
Ultimately, he’d been the hero she knew he would be.
Do you still burn, Spike?
Are you still down there?
Frozen in time for all too marvel at your heroism?
Does it still sting; your soul…?
Buffy backed up against the headboard and started rocking her body back and forth.
Back and forth…
Tears began streaming freely down her cheek as someone started banging on the door. As from a distance she could hear Xander’s voice yelling at her to open it.
“God damn you, Buffy! Open the fucking door!”
“Buffy!” Pleaded her younger sister from the other side. “Let us in!”
Buffy buried her head in her hands and shook her head to shut out their concerned voices. As she blocked out the sounds of her friend and sister, another sound began plaguing her instead. The Demon.
Murderer. Cold hearted bitch. You don’t get to grief him. Do you hear me?! You sent him to his death!!
Stop it. Stop it.
You willingly gave him that amulet. You knew it would destroy him. Kill all that he was. Turn him into nothing but ashes. You. Murdered. Him!!
No. no. NO!!
You wanted him to die. It was convenient, right? With him gone you could finally give Angel those ‘cookies’ you were yammering about. You. Betrayed. Him.
I didn’t. I. Didn’t!!
“Buffy!!”
Why don’t you let them in? So that they can see what a pathetic excuse of a woman you really are. A woman that hurts the ones she loves.
Oh God…
You wish you were dead now, don’t you? Wish that you could just leave it all?
No…
I think you do. But you’re just a coward like always. Not strong enough to put an end to it. ‘cause who knows what awaits you then; it sure isn’t heaven. People who kill their lovers don’t end up there you know. You. Are. A. Murderer.
Please. Please. PLEASE…
The sound of wood splintering as the door suddenly gave in startled Buffy out off her trip into the darkness of her mind and she turned her tearstained face towards Xander and Dawn as they stumble into her bedroom.
“Buffy!!” Dawn ran to her sister’s side and laid her arms around the trembling woman. “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.” She laid her head down on Buffy’s shoulder. “I love you.”
Buffy returned her sister’s hug and turned her gaze up at the silent man standing over them. With the constant ache in her heart she wordlessly accepted their forgiveness. She always would, she concluded and invited Xander to join in on the hug.
After all, where they really any worse than her?
Do you still burn, Spike?
~ ~ ~ ~
There wasn’t really any amount of chocolaty goodness that could make up for a night disturbed by constant nightmares and the broken door leading into her bedroom, Buffy concluded and put down her mug with a weary sigh.
“Are you feeling any better?” asked Dawn as she joined Buffy at the kitchen island. “I tried to make it just like mum used to.”
“’s fine,” said Buffy with a reassuring smile. “Thanks.”
There was a short silence and Buffy could see that her sister had something on her mind.
She repressed a sigh and turned to face the younger woman.
“What is it?”
“Spike liked it,” she whispered. “Remember? He and mum used to sit with their respective mugs and talk about the latest events on ‘Passions’.”
“I remember,” Buffy snivelled and took another sip of her chocolate. “She always had a weak spot for him.”
“Always the ladies man, eh?” Dawn joked. Then her smile faded away. “He brought her flowers you know. After she died…”
“What?” Buffy stared at her sister. “How come I didn’t know that?”
“Xander drove Spike away being the pig he can be sometimes.” Pause. “But Willow brought the flowers to mum’s grave later.”
“Oh God…” Buffy shook her head as tears started running down her cheeks. “I never gave him enough credit. Never acknowledged how truly amazing and different he was.” She met her sister’s concerned gaze. “There are so many things I wish I had said to him… So many thinks left unspoken…”
“Buffy…” Dawn put her arms around her shivering sister, “if Spike is out there… We’ll find him.”
Buffy was about to thank her when she was interrupted by the doorbell.
Curious about whom it could be in this early hour, she walked over to the door and opened it – only to step back as she found herself face to face with a blue demon.
“Buffy Summers?” the overgrown smurf asked in an arrogant voice.
“Demon!!” Dawn screamed and look for any sharp object to defend them with.
“I am no demon,” the no demon said insulted. “I am the great Illyria, ruler over…”
“Kill it before it kills us!” Dawn chipped and threw Buffy a knife – which the slayer caught without breaking eye contact with the no demon.
“I have not come here to harm you, Buffy Summers,” the blue entity said with a sigh. “I came because he talked about you with affection.”
“He?”
The strange figure simply nodded and then tilted her head in a way that reminded her too much about Spike.
Spooky…
“My pet. The white haired one. Spike.”
That statement was followed by shocked silence.
Buffy blinked. Then blinked again.
“Your pet?”
“Oh my God!” exclaimed Dawn and joined them at the door. “You know Spike?” Pause. “How is he?”
The blue woman turned ice cold eyes toward the younger woman, apparently not liking what she was seeing. Then she turned her full focus on Buffy.
“He is no more.”
“What…?” Buffy shook her head, not willing to believe this strange being. “What do you mean?”
“Spike was killed in the fight against the Wolf the Ram and the Hart,” the entity said. “I grieve for him as I did for Wesley.” Pause. “I wish to do more violence.”
Buffy’s eyes rolled back into her head and she fell to the floor with a thud.
It was safe to say that she didn’t take the news of Spike’s second death very well.
And she would most certainly not be a happy camper as soon as she woke up.
That fact alone made Dawn beg the Powers for a miracle.
Tbc…