London June 2008
Buffy was on her way home after a late night patrol when she got this sudden feeling that something very important was to take place. She couldn’t just quite figure it out…
Lifting her gaze she thankfully spotted the house and she quickened up the pace, eager to get inside and relax with a cup of hot chocolate.
He used to like that you know…
Buffy swatted at the air around her, as if to get rid of an annoying fly circulating above her head. Only there was no bug, only her inner demon that rambled on like always. A constant buzz in her head that threatened to drive her over the edge at any moment. She was just awaiting the last drop that would tip the scale.
He’s dead. Dead. Deaddeaddead. DEAD!!
Shut up. Shut up. Shutupshutupshutup. SHUT UP!!
It sulked for a while, but as Buffy sat foot on the pathway leading up to the house it bombarded her once again with its oral torment.
You killed him ya know. Left him to die alone. Unloved. Unwanted…
I loved him. I wanted him. God damn you, I will never stop wanting him!
Funny way of showing it, luv. Loving someone means you don’t leave them behind – to DIE!!
I told him that I loved him. I told him…
Yeah, right! Just at the end, when it was too late. When the fire was already consuming him from within. Did you know that he could feel it? Feel himself burning into cinders. Convenient huh?
No…
Like you ever could love such a bad, bad man anyway. Right? He’s a monster. You sure told him so many times. That he was beneath you. Beneath you!!
Stop it. STOP IT!!
Buffy shook her head, trying to get rid of the angry voice inside of her head that made a real good effort to break her down completely.
But it was just too vicious…
He was there for you. When the others threw you out of the house. He came and looked for you. He stayed by your side. He gave you all of his strength. And you sure took it, didn’t you? You sucked it right out of him; leaving nothing for him to survive on. And if that wasn’t enough… you gave him the ultimate tool for his destruction. Yeah, you wanted him dead alright. You killed him fair and square. Poor guy didn’t see that coming – not ‘til the end anyway.
Please…
He knew he was going to die down there. Accepted it. He took it all; the burden of staying behind so that the Hellmouth was destroyed. The fact that you left him there. Left him to die. And died he did. He dusted as if he never were there at all. Burned to ashes. Come on, Buffy… Ask the question that plagues you all day and night. Ask it.
Do you still burn, Spike?
Buffy stumbled on her feet and fell to the ground, not very gracefully.
As she lay down on the wet grass, she could see the door to the house open up and a familiar figure come running at her.
“Willow?” she managed to say before passing out.
~ ~ ~ ~
Buffy lay safely tucked under the covers in her bed, when Willow and Dawn silently entered the room. She’d been unconscious for a couple of hours and awake for three now – and she felt like someone had hit her with a sledgehammer.
“Oh my God, Buffy, we’ve been so worried!” Dawn exclaimed on threw herself on the bed, so totally ignoring the fact that her sister grimaced in pain. “What happened?”
“I don’t know,” Buffy said and met Willow’s concerned gaze. “I got this bad headache and next thing I know I passed out.”
“Dawn says that you’ve been acting strange lately,” the witch said and inched closer to the bed, almost shyly. Buffy found that funny; being a powerful witch should have put some confidence in the friend. But then again… Willow would always be…Willow.
“She totally has, Wills!” Dawn whined and curled into a boll in her sisters arms. “And we’re beginning to get very worried about her!”
“Buffy?”
The slayer stared into Willow’s eyes and saw the silent question in them. And without a word spoken she nodded in response – letting her friends know that she had complete faith in her.
“Okay.”
“Okay, what?” Dawn asked and looked from Buffy to Willow.
“Willow is going to make a little trip inside my head and see if there’s a nasty in there.” Buffy explained and hugged Dawn closer to her.
“I don’t understand… Are you saying that you’re sick? Buffy?” Dawn stared at Buffy with shock.
“I don’t know,” Buffy admitted with a thin smile. “All I know is that I can’t go on like this. It’s like I’m going to snap at any moment.”
“And we can’t have that,” Xander said as he entered the room with a mug of hot chocolate.
Buffy immediately perked up.
“Is that for me?”
“Who else?” asked he with a shrug as he reached out the mug – which she gratefully took. He studied her as she happily sipped on the warm goodness. “Are you okay?”
“I will be,” Buffy assured and sent Willow a begging look.
“She will be,” her friend confirmed with a nod.
Not like you deserve it. Why should you feel good when he certainly isn’t? What gives you the right to be alive when he’s dust in the wind? You should be dead you know. Hey, you ‘died twice’, right? And all you could do was to whisper in a dead man’s ear…
Stop it.
And for a bittersweet second her inner demon stayed silent. But just as Buffy was about to let out a relieved sigh, it singsong:
And since I'm only dead to you I'm saying stay away And let me rest in peace
“God, I want to,” whispered Buffy and hid her head in her sister’s long hair.
“Buffy?”
The slayer raised a weary gaze towards her friends.
“Let’s do this,” she told Willow with a hint of desperation.
Do Spike still burn, Buffy?
~ ~ ~ ~
Willow blinked and stared at the vision in front of her; she was in the Hellmouth again – staring right at Spike where he stood in the pillar of light. The vampire seemed so utterly serene… so fulfilled. Was that the right word? Yeah, fulfilled…
“He’s going to die, you know,” said a calm voice next to Willow and as the witch turned her head she saw Buffy standing next to her. The slayer did not let her eyes off the vampire.
“What?” Willow blinked again and let her gaze travel back to Spike – who’s now been joined by a distressed Buffy.
“She cannot save him,” the blond told Willow in a detached voice. “She never could.”
Willow concentrated on the other Buffy as that one was staring at the illuminated vampire with wide eyes.
"I can feel it, Buffy." Spike said softly to the slayer. He looked so peaceful. Like he's finally found something that he'd been looking for all of his life. And Willow was suddenly very sure that she’d never seen anything more beautiful in all her life.
"What?" Buffy seemed to barley got the words out.
Spike turned his head ever so slightly to look down at the slayer and Willow’s heart ached when she saw the naked love that shone from his eyes at the woman that he’d got his soul for.
"My soul. It's really there."
He seemed to lost focus for a moment and his gaze fixed on something indeterminable that Willow couldn’t for the life of her see.
"It kind’ a stings."
Suddenly a huge part of debris broke free from the roof of the cave and the whole cave shuddered in response. All around them there were girls running to the exit and vampires vaporizing into thin air. Willow found herself mystified that neither Spike or Buffy made a move to abandon the cave.
"Go on then." Spike then urged Buffy in an eager tone. But the slayer only shook her head in despair.
"No! you done enough. You still can..."
"No... You beat them back. It's to me to do the clean-up."
As from a distance Willow could hear Faith screaming at Buffy to hurry up.
“This is it,” the Buffy at Willow’s side said bitterly. “This is the part when she realizes that she cannot rescue him.”
Willow shook her head and bit back a sob at the sadness of it all. She could only watch on in despair as Spike nodded to the exit, saying:
"Got to move, luv. I guess it's safe to say that school's out for the bloody summer."
"Spike..."
"Mean it. I got to do this."
Buffy reached out her hand to his. Their fingers linking with each other. Willow gasped as her friend’s hand hold on to Spike’s hand as it caught on fire.
"I love you." Buffy’s voice was filled with emotions and Willow swallowed back the scream that wanted to escape her lips.
Spike turned his head towards Buffy, giving her a tiny smile.
"No, you don't. But thanks for saying it."
Buffy seemed to want to say something more, but as the cave shuddered once again and made the slayer stumble, she released her grip on Spike’s hand and after one last look at the vampire she abandoned him and ran for the exit.
“That bitch,” a third Buffy said as she approached Willow and Buffy 2.0.
Willow blinked. Then blinked again.
“It’s not me,” Buffy 2.0 said bitterly. “It’s the First.” She kept staring at the, now lonely, vampire. A vampire that said:
“I wanna see how it ends…”
Willow returned her focus to him as he began to dissolve into ashes, laughing all the way. The witch pressed forward a sad smile at the vampire’s cockiness in the face of death.
Then everything went black.
~ ~ ~ ~
Willow blinked and stared at the vision in front of her; she was in the Hellmouth again – staring right at Spike where he stood in the pillar of light.
Déjà vu…
“He’s going to die, you know,” said a calm voice next to Willow and as the witch turned her head she saw Buffy standing next to her. The slayer did not let her eyes off the vampire.
“Buffy… Why are you doing this to yourself?” asked Willow and let her gaze travel back to Spike – who’s now been joined by a distressed Buffy.
“Doing what?” Buffy 2.0 asked detached. “She cannot save him.” Pause. “She never could.”
Willow concentrated on the other Buffy – the original one, as she was staring at the illuminated vampire with wide eyes.
"I can feel it, Buffy." Spike said softly to the slayer. And once again Willow found herself marvel at the sheer beauty that he stood for at that very moment.
"What?" Buffy choked on her words and Willow suffered with her. Again.
As Spike turned his head to look down at the slayer Willow turned her head to look at Buffy 2.0.
“Stop this, Buffy,” she begged with tears in her eyes. “Stop tormenting yourself…”
"My soul. It's really there." Spike said in amazement in the background.
”He got a soul for her,” Buffy 2.0 said silently. “And yet she couldn’t save him.”
"It kind’ a stings."
“Buffy…” Willow laid a hand on Buffy 2.0’s shoulder. “This isn’t real…” She shook her head. “Okay, maybe it is. But Spike came back. Don’t you remember?”
"Go on then." Spike then urged Buffy 1.0 in an eager tone. But she only shook her head in despair.
Buffy 2.0 turned her head to look at Willow with a confused frown.
“He did?” she asked and blinked.
"No! you done enough. You still can..." pleaded Buffy 1.0 in the background.
"No... You beat them back. It's to me to do the clean-up." Exclaimed Spike in return.
“Yeah,” Willow admitted with a nod. “He popped out of the amulet in Angel’s office.”
“I remember,” Buffy 2.0 said slowly and for a moment it seemed as if she was about to smile. But then her expression gloomed once again. “And he died again not soon after that. In the alley behind the Hyperion Hotel…”
Oh, Buffy…
As from a distance Willow could hear Faith screaming at Buffy to hurry up.
“This is it,” the Buffy at Willow’s side said bitterly. “This is the part when she realizes that she cannot rescue him.”
Willow shook her head at Buffy 2.0, not knowing what to do next to try and convince her that this whole thing was madness.
“Buffy…”
“Sch,” Buffy 2.0 put a finger to her lips. “This is where it gets real good. This is the part when she feels him burning from the inside out.”
“What?!” Willow stared at Buffy 2.0 in complete shock.
“Didn’t she tell you?” Buffy 2.0 said bitterly. “That she could literally feel him dying?”
Willow shook her head as the now familiar scenario played out in the background:
"Got to move, luv. I guess it's safe to say that school's out for the bloody summer."
"Spike..."
"Mean it. I got to do this."
Buffy 1.0 reached out her hand to Spike’s. Their fingers linking with each other. Catching on fire.
"I love you." Buffy 1.0 said with a hitch in her voice.
Spike turned his head towards Buffy, giving her a tiny smile.
"No, you don't. But thanks for saying it."
And once again Willow had to look at Buffy 1.0 run for the exit – leaving Spike behind.
“That bitch,” a third Buffy said as she approached Willow and Buffy 2.0.
Willow ignored her.
“It’s not me,” Buffy 2.0 said bitterly. “It’s the First.” She kept staring at the, now lonely, vampire. A vampire that said:
“I wanna see how it ends…”
Willow, yet again, returned her focus to him as he began to dissolve into ashes, laughing all the way. The witch pressed forward a sad smile at the vampire’s cockiness in the face of death. Then, suddenly, before the vampire withered away completely, he turned his head to look straight at Willow.
“She took something with her,” he said in a baffled voice. “Something that doesn’t belong with her…”
Then everything went black.
~ ~ ~ ~
Willow pulled away from Buffy with a gasp and felt herself falling towards the floor – only to be cached by Xander before she hit it.
“Willow!” Dawn left Buffy’s side to hurry over to the disoriented witch. “What happened?”
“Yeah, Willow,” said Xander as he supported his friend. “What did you see?”
Willow looked down at the sleeping slayer with an odd expression.
“I saw… Spike,” she whispered. “He’s trapped in there.”
“What?”
“Yeah, I’m also with the what,” said Xander and shook his head.
“When Buffy and Spike joined hands down in the Hellmouth… Something of Spike got stuck with Buffy,” Willow explained. “I think it’s his demon.”
“That would be the reason to why she has acted so weird,” Dawn concluded with a nod.
“Is it true?”
The three of them turned as one to look down at the weary Buffy.
“I’m afraid so,” Willow confirmed and walked over to the slayer.
“How can we fix this?” asked Xander with evident concern for his friend.
“We can’t,” said Willow and shook her head. “Not without Spike…”
That was met with uncomfortable silence.
“We need a miracle,” Dawn exclaimed sadly.
Then the phone rang.
~ ~ ~ ~
He’s alive! Alive. Alive… ALIVE!!
Buffy paced back and forth in front of the door, only stopping to cast glances out through the window to make sure that the saw at the very second when the car would pull up on the drive- way. The car that would bring Spike back to her.
The miracle Dawn had asked for…
But then again – it’s not really Spike, is there?
Buffy shook her head to get rid of the nagging voice inside of her head. But as per usual it refused to let her have some peace.
Because you killed him. So this… man that you so eagerly awaits… it won’t be him. And didn’t Rupert tell you guys that he doesn’t remember his past? He won’t remember you.
Shut up.
Spike is gone, Buffy. All that remains is ‘William’. And William doesn’t know Buffy.
Stop it.
You killed Spike…
Buffy stopped abruptly in her track as there was a sudden knock on the door.
“Spike…”
Buffy looked down at the hand that lay on the doorknob, suddenly afraid to open the door and stand face to face on the man on the other side. Spike… No, not really Spike. William.
My hand stings…
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life
Tbc…