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Author's Chapter Notes:
I left you with a slight cliffhanger last time and here is your update! I've started working on chapter 11, but I'm still trying to figure out what I want to happen with Joyce. I don't want to follow the show exactly... which I won't seeing as this is AU, but I'm not sure how I want things to go with her yet. Let me know if you have any ideas. Thanks! - Duchess
Chapter 10 – Fear

Outside the diner

This wasn’t exactly the conversation that Spike was so afraid of but it was close. At least Buffy wasn’t telling him there was no chance of a ‘them’ or an ‘us’. He could at least be grateful for that, but he was still afraid. He was afraid he was going to say the wrong thing, afraid of upsetting her, of her pushing him away, and more than anything he was afraid of losing Buffy.

The last thing he wanted was to lose her. She was the love of his life and he knew that now. Hell, he thought he knew it 5 years ago but he had been too stupid and young to think they had a real chance at it. Now he was standing before her utterly amazed. He was amazed at the words she was saying. It all came kind of suddenly even though he’d half expected it, and he didn’t really know what to say to her right away.

Spike took a moment to think about what it was he wanted to say. In those few seconds he thought about what Buffy had just said to him.

While Spike was thinking Buffy was looking at him. She wanted something from him, anything would do. She just needed a response. It didn’t have to be a reassurance of his love or how he would stay with her, although that would be nice. No, she just wanted a reaction from him, but all he was doing was standing there. She crossed her arms over her chest and was about to say something when he began.

“I—I’m rather flabbergasted really. I don’t know what to say to you,” he began, but when he saw the crestfallen look on her face he quickly added, “not because I don’t have anything to say because there’s so much I want to say…” he paused for a moment as her words came back to him. “Did you say you’ve loved me since high school?”

She looked incredulous for a moment. “Is that what you have to say to me? Did I—” she was cut off by Spike’s lips enveloping hers.

“I thought that might help,” he said with a smile after he broke the kiss. “And yeah, I asked you if you said you loved me back in high school because I thought I heard you say that. What I want to say is, I loved you then too, maybe not as much as I love you now, but I did love you. I just…

He paused for a moment. “I didn’t know how to tell you back then. I was so afraid of myself and us and, you.”

“Afraid of me?” she asked with sudden disbelief.

“Yes, of you. I was afraid that you wouldn’t love me back. I was afraid that I would scare you off if I said those 3 little words. I was afraid I’d get hurt. God, how stupid I was. I should have told you and I’m so sorry that I didn’t.”

Buffy really wasn’t sure what to say to that. She knew what it was like to be afraid of those things. She wanted to tell him just that, but she wasn’t sure yet. She wanted to forgive him and let herself fall even more madly in love with him, but she herself was afraid. She was so scared that it wouldn’t work. What she needed now was time to let things develop. She needed to trust him again and that was something that would have to grow in time.

“I know what that’s like. I was afraid of those things too. I guess we never realized how much fear dictated our lives, huh?” she said softly as she stepped closer to him and ran her fingers through his hair over his ear.

He closed his eyes for a second as he reveled in the feel of her fingertips. When he opened them he was staring into mesmerizing green orbs that had his very soul entrapped. “Let’s promise not to let fear run our lives anymore, yeah?” he said to her, wrapping his arms around her little waist and lifting her into the air.

“Wi—I mean, Spike…” she said a little hesitantly.

Something was off and he immediately eased her down so that she was standing on her feet again. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing…” she started.

“Don’t give me that. I can tell somethin’ isn’ right. Talk to me Buffy. Let us work this out, whatever it is we can work it out.” He was almost pleading with her as he moved to take her hands into his.

She looked at her hands clasped in his. She wanted this more than anything, but the fear was always there. She’d always been afraid. “I just don’t know,” she said with a sigh.

“What is it that you don’t know about? If it’s me… we can talk this out…” he looked at her. She was running hot and cold here and he wasn’t sure what to make of it. It felt like there was something else at work here.

“I don’t know how we can just let go of all our fears… how I can just let go. I’ve been afraid for so long Wi—Spike, I don’t know if I can live without it.”

“We’ll just have to work on it. You can live without it Buffy, just give it a try. Give us a try. We never tried before. Don’t we deserve our chance?” He smiled at her and stepped a little closer, running his fingertips over her knuckles. “Why do you always start to say William, but change it to Spike?”

His lips were curling as he asked and there was definitely laughter in his eyes. She looked at him and had to try not to smile too, and she failed miserably at it. “I don’t know,” she said with a little pout.

“Ah,” was all he said.

“Well, isn’t that what you go by now? Spike?”

“Yeah,” he replied.

“And…” she pushed at the subject.

“And what?”

“Why did you change it?”

“It fit more with the rocker image and Har—” he stopped there, midway through the name.

“Oh,” was all she said as she slipped her hands out of his.

“It’s not what you think,” he protested.

“And what is it I’m thinking right now Spike?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest in a defensive manner.

He sighed. “I don’t know. I used to know, didn’t I?” he looked up at her with the question in his eyes. “What happened to us?”

“You left,” she said with a hardness entering her voice.

“I’m sorry.” He looked at her with sensitivity written all over him. It was in his eyes, on his face, and in the way he held himself. “I never meant for things to turn out this way.”

“No, I don’t think either of us meant for it to turn out like this.” She made a motion with her hands.

“This?” he asked pointedly.

“Don’t even go there…” she stopped suddenly. She quickly sat down on the bench and started to cry. What was going on? They’d been so happy just moments ago, and the time they’d spent back in San Francisco was wonderful. Now he was here in Sunnydale. He’d come all this way to be here for her while her mom was in the hospital and all she could do was argue with him.

“God, I’m such a pratt.” He kneeled down in front of her and tried to raise her face to look at him, but she was resisting. “Buffy,” he said softly. “Please look at me, pet.”

She looked up at him with tears still streaming down her face and little pink splotches around her eyes. She tried to stop, but all she could do was sniffle as more tears came. “I’m…” sniffle “so…” sniffle “sor…” sniffle “ry.”

“Oh, pet. I’m the one who should be sorry.” He pulled her close so her head was resting on his shoulder and they were both sitting on the hard ground. “Shhh pet. There’s no need to cry. Shhh…” he murmured to her.

After a few minutes she began to quiet down. He was thankful for that. He hated to see her cry. “I hate seeing you cry, pet, especially because of me.”

She sniffled again and felt him tense a little. She smiled then and said, “Its ok. I’m not about to start blubbering again.” She didn’t let go of him though. Her arms remained wrapped around his neck. They were both quiet again for several minutes.

Then he spoke again. “Why did you start crying, pet?” he asked gently.

“We were fighting,” she said. She felt him pull back a little and was relieved that it was only to look her in the face. There was a question written there and she responded with. “We were so happy earlier and a few days ago. Everything was perfect and now…”

“I know. It got to me too. I don’t want us to be like this…” he stopped there when he saw her expression change. It was happier and it made him smile, but he wasn’t sure what had happened.

“Me either, Spike. I hate it when we fight and we’ve got Will to think about now… or… well, we both have to work together with this now and I know it’s going to take some getting used to, but… I want to do it. I want to try. I don’t know if I can do us yet, but I can work on us being parents together.” She smiled lightly. “I don’t know if that makes any sense or not…”

“It does.” His voice was quiet. It wasn’t exactly what he wanted to hear, but he knew she was right when it came to Will.

“I hope you can understand. I’m not saying that I don’t want there to ever be an us. I’m just saying that I need some time to think about it and come to terms with my own fears. Can you give me that?” she asked as she looked him in the eye.

He took a deep breath and said, “Yes, I can give you that.” He looked at her and smiled. He wasn’t giving up on her. He was going to stick through it until he won her back.


They walked back to Buffy’s mostly in silence. There was the occasional talk about some memory in Sunnydale or plans for tomorrow. When they reached her front porch there was a quiet moment where they didn’t know what to say exactly.

Buffy finally broke the silence with, “Well, I guess we’ll see you tomorrow. Come by around lunch time and we can spend some time with Will.”

“Yeah, about that…” he began.

“What?” she asked slowly.

“Oh, I was just thinking that I’d like to spend some father/son time with him… if that’d be ok with you I mean.”

“I think that would be nice. Will would really like it and it would be good for you both,” she said with a sincere smile.

“Thanks, so I’ll be by tomorrow around noon and we can have lunch together and see what I can do with Will?” he asked.

“Sounds perfect,” she said with a smile. “See you tomorrow, Spike.” Then she turned to walk in the house, but he caught her hand.

“You can always call me William.”

The instant he’d said that she felt something inside of her burning, and the next thing she knew his lips were on hers in a searing kiss. She didn’t know what else to do other than grab on to him for support. The kiss seemed to go on for… she didn’t know how long, but it went on. His tongue was seeking hers out and her brain didn’t seem to be attached to her body. Her brain was telling her to stop but her body was grasping at him like she needed him to survive. Then the kiss stopped and she was left panting for air even after he had said a nonchalant “Goodnight” and walked away.

Slowly she managed to make her way upstairs. Even more slowly she got undressed and ready for bed. As she crawled into her old bed in her old bedroom and laid her head on her pillow the last thing on her mind was her mother’s surgery the following day.


Chapter End Notes:
So... tell me what you think! I love to get reviews. It's like getting a paycheck for writing the story. ;D I write them for you guys (and girls) so if I don't get feedback I might think you don't like the story... but I know some of you do. Thanks again to Cissi & cordykitten! You two have been so great! Other thanks to v4viper, jamies_lady, Minna, and all my other lovely reviewers! xoxox - Duchess



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