Chapter 20 – Arrangements
A few days later
Everything was set. This was the day they were going to bury her mother. Buffy had woken up early, before Spike and the others and taken a shower, made coffee and made sure that all their clothes were set out and ready. Everything had to be perfect. Somehow she’d managed to sleep the last few nights. She wasn’t sure how, but she knew it was thanks to Spike. He’d held her and given her quiet comfort by just being there. That’s all she really needed.
They hadn’t talked about her mom. He’d helped her make the arrangements for the funeral, but she hadn’t wanted to talk about what had happened. For Buffy that was in the past. She didn’t want to talk about it. Maybe one day she’d feel comfortable with talking to Spike about it. Maybe one day.
Spike was being patient with Buffy. He knew she needed time to deal with it all. He could see she was just going through the motions right now and he understood. Jenny was his step mother. He’d only been a kid in England when his mother, Anne had died from tuberculosis. That’s when Giles had decided to move to the states. Granted Spike was only 5 years old when his mother had died, but he still knew what it felt like and he knew he just had to let Buffy do her thing.
He rolled over in bed and realized he’d actually fallen asleep last night. He quickly sat up when he realized that Buffy wasn’t in bed with him right now. Then he heard someone moving around out in the hall and he slowly got out of bed and slipped on his jeans before going out in the hall to make sure it was her. He flashed a small smile as he leaned against the doorframe and said, “Morning, pet.”
She looked up and tried to smile at him, but failed miserably. She was just too… her mind was everywhere this morning and she could hardly think straight. Tonight would be better. When everything was done and over with it would be better. She just continued to pick up the things in the hallway before putting them back in Dawn’s room and waking up Dawn and Will. The funeral was only a few hours away and she wanted them to get breakfast before going.
After she had woken them up she went downstairs, glancing at Spike as he still stood in the doorway to her bedroom. In the kitchen she began to get some things together for Dawn and Will to eat for breakfast. She wasn’t sure what they would want but she set a few things out and was ready to cook eggs if they wanted those. She looked down at what she was wearing and realized that she still needed to get dressed but she was putting off putting on her black dress until the last moment possible. It would make it all too real. Instead she had put on her slip and then her robe after she had gotten out of the shower. Her head jerked up as she heard the water to the upstairs shower running.
She ascended the stairs quietly and poked her head in her bedroom. Spike had gotten in the shower she realized. His suit was now laid out on her bed that was now made. He’d made the bed and that made her lips curl a little. He really was very sweet, sweeter than she thought a rocker should be. Then she turned to leave the room but her dress caught her eye. It was hanging on the door to her closet and she stepped closer to finger the hem of it. Spike walked into her room while she was standing there. She didn’t turn around to look at him as she heard him walk in and close the door behind him. He didn’t say anything to her though. She just stood there and listened as he toweled off his body and slipped on his black suit. When she heard him having trouble with his tie she turned around and walked over to him. Still they did not speak as she tied his tie for him. When she was done she leaned her head against his chest and she felt his arms wrap around her. For a moment she closed her eyes while he held her. It was the only thing that made her feel like everything would be ok again. She felt his lips press a kiss to her forehead and she heard the shower start again. ‘That would be Dawn,’ she thought.
Reluctantly, she pulled away from Spike and went to get Will and fix him something for breakfast. “Buffy,” she heard Spike say as her hand was on the door.
She turned back to look at him. “I’ll be ok,” she said, trying to sound assuring. “I’ve got to fix breakfast for Will. There’s some coffee downstairs if you want some.” She saw Spike nod and she walked through the doorway to get Will.
Spike followed her downstairs and fixed himself a cup of coffee while Buffy fixed Will’s breakfast. Dawn joined them about 20 minutes later and got herself some breakfast. Once everyone seemed to be settled she looked around for a minute and then went upstairs to get herself ready. ‘Time to change,’ she said internally.
She left the others downstairs while she went upstairs and quietly dressed for the funeral. She slipped on the little black dress and the little blazer that went with it. Then she slipped her feet into the black pumps she had set out. She looked at her reflection in her long mirror before going into the bathroom and applying some light makeup. While she was in the bathroom she heard Spike’s voice out in the hall talking to someone else. A minute later she glanced out and saw him taking Will into her room. She finished with her makeup and walked to her room, quietly standing in the doorway as she watched Spike dress their son for the funeral. Somehow she managed to smile at the sight before her eyes. She wished she could see this more often, just not for a funeral, of course.
Buffy waited for them to finish and walked downstairs with them. Dawn was sitting on the couch in the living room. Buffy glanced in the kitchen and saw the dishes were done already. Well, that was something. She picked up her purse and the keys to the Jeep and looked at Dawn. “It’s time,” she said softly.
Dawn looked up at her and stood, running her hands over her black dress and walked over to the door. She slipped her hand into Buffy’s for a moment and squeezed it lightly before slipping it out again. Buffy then opened the front door and led the way out to the Jeep. Spike got Will in the backseat and made sure he was buckled up while Buffy got in the driver’s seat. When everyone was in Buffy started the car and drove toward the cemetery where they were having the funeral.
A few people were already there when Buffy, Dawn, Will, and Spike walked up to the grave sight. The preacher was there and Buffy’s friends had already arrived. A few minutes later there was another group including Spike’s parents. It wasn’t long before the time came to start the service and with Dawn on one side and Spike on the other Buffy had one person to lean on and one person leaning on her. Will stood in front of Buffy, leaning against her too. He just stood there and remained quiet through the whole service, which surprised Buffy a little. She supposed it was just because he didn’t quite understand what was going on. She had tried to explain it to him, but he was only 5 and there was only so much of it that he could grasp. He knew that grandma was gone, but at 5 he didn’t really understand why.
The winter here’s cold, and bitter
Its chilled us to the bone
We haven’t seen the sun for weeks
Too long too far from home
I feel just like I’m sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love
So its better this way, I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we said and did
Hurts us all the more
Its just that we stayed, too long
In the same old sickly skin
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength
And all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love
The funeral was over, had been for at least an hour now, and yet Buffy was still there. She couldn’t leave just yet. She could tell it was getting late because the sun was nearing the line of trees that it would eventually set behind. In truth Buffy just didn’t want to leave her mom alone. She knew that Spike was still there too. He’d stepped back to let her have some time alone after the others had left. Willow and Xander had taken Dawn and Will back to Willow’s house to try to have some fun for the night. Buffy had agreed to it and said it sounded like a good idea. She didn’t feel like a very good mother herself at the moment anyway. All she could think about was the fact that her mom was gone.
Standing by her mother’s grave for a while longer she finally kneeled down and said her goodbye.
“Mom… I don’t know exactly what to say here,” she began quietly. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. You were always the strong one that held the family together. You… always knew what to say and…” She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I stayed away for so long… And I promise I’ll take care of Dawnie. We’re both going to miss you so much.” She suddenly choked on a sob and then said, “Goodbye.”
Slowly she stood up and wiped her tears away before turning around to face Spike. She saw the look in his eyes and for the first time she knew that everything was somehow going to be ok. She gave him a weak smile and walked over to him, slipping her hand into his as they walked to the Jeep. She handed him the keys and let him drive her back to the house. The drive was made in silence, but it was a comfortable one. Buffy wasn’t sure how that was but she attributed it to the presence of Spike. She was completely comfortable around him whether they were talking or sitting in silence like they were now.
Summers’ house
When they reached the house Spike got out of the car but Buffy sat still for a moment. She just stared at the house for several minutes. It was different now. There was finally that closure. Her mom was never coming back. Buffy took a deep breath and got out of the Jeep, meeting Spike on the front walk. She slipped her hand into his once more and walked up to the front door with him.
Spike had gotten out of the Jeep and stopped a few steps away when he realized that Buffy had not yet gotten out. He waited there patiently, watching her curiously until she met him. He was worried that she was taking her mother’s death harder than she was letting on. He could see that she was hurt, but he wasn’t sure what he could do other than let her know he was there for her. Spike was only human, but he would do anything for Buffy. He loved her more than life itself and he really couldn’t imagine living life without her anymore. He couldn’t believe he’d left Sunnydale 5 years ago, much less for the last week. He didn’t know how he’d survived without her for so long.
They reached the front door and Spike took the keys that were still in his hand an unlocked it. Buffy followed him inside and let her hand slip from his while she took off her coat. She watched as he turned on a few lights. It had gotten dark faster than Buffy had realized. When her coat was hung on the rack by the door she stood still again, feeling the daze that she was in once more. Then she heard him call her name, “Buffy.”
She looked up and met his gaze. He was standing in the living room, but as soon as her eyes looked into his he was moving towards her. He took her hand and led her upstairs. The house was all too quiet for Buffy but she followed Spike willingly. She would have followed him anywhere.
When they were upstairs he took off his suit jacket and dress shoes and set them on the chair at Buffy’s old desk. Then he took her hand again and brought her to the bed with him. He lay down and pulled her down beside him. There he just held her in his arms. For several minutes the silence remains, almost deafening. He kissed Buffy’s forehead and whispered, “Let it out Buffy. It’s ok. I’m the only one here” as he rubbed her back. A moment later he heard a few quiet sobs and began to feel the moisture seeping through his thin dress shirt.
He continued to rub her back soothingly as he whispered reassuring words to her, of which he really wasn’t sure because he couldn’t think straight when he felt as if his heart was wrenching beside hers. After a minute he felt her begin to shake and heard the more uncontrolled sobbing of her release. This was what she needed. She needed to let it all go; to get out all that she had been holding in since she’d found her mother dead just a few days earlier. He could hardly believe it was all really happening himself, and he couldn’t very well imagine what she was going through. When he had lost his mother he had just been a lad. Now he barely remembered her. Jenny had been in their lives so long that she was his mother. Besides that Spike didn’t really remember anything in his life pre-Buffy which included his time in England when his mother had died.
Finally he heard the sobs begin to quiet and turn to soft sniffles. Slowly he felt Buffy begin to move to wipe her eyes. As he briefly met her gaze he leaned over and grabbed a few tissues and then handed them to her.
She took them quickly and wiped her eyes and then her nose with a slight blush coming to her cheeks. “Sorry,” she said in a quiet voice without looking up at him.
“For what?” he asked not seeing that she had anything to apologize for.
“Turning into a cry baby,” she said with a small glance at his face before dropping her gaze to his tear soaked shoulder. “And soaking your shirt with my tears and snot,” she added as she looked up at him from under her lashes.
“No need to apologize, love. I’d gladly have your tears and snot on me any day.” He smiled back at her and kissed her forehead as he wrapped his arms around her and held her to him once more.
They stayed like that for a couple of minutes before Buffy began playing with the buttons on Spike’s shirt. He noticed but wasn’t sure what it was she was thinking. He knew something was on her mind though. He could sense it and the way she was fixating on his buttons only furthered that point in his mind. “Buffy?” he whispered.
She looked up at him and didn’t know what to say. She just looked at him for a moment before saying, “I love you.” Her voice was sincere and heartfelt. He hadn’t doubted the fact that she loved him in the last week, but hearing her say it still made his blood sing. She brought her hand to his cheek and slowly leaned up to kiss him.
The kiss quickly deepened into something more. There was passion and need bubbling just beneath the surface and before either could say or do anything else their hands were making fast work with their clothes. When they were finally unclothed Spike wrapped an arm around Buffy’s waist and turned them over so he was leaning over top of her. He didn’t question this. He wanted it too much and he could plainly see in her eyes how much she wanted him.
When he turned them over their lips had broken apart, but now that he was above her he quickly descended to attach his lips to hers once more. The kisses were hungry, almost desperate but no complaint was sounded. Spike continued to kiss Buffy like this for several minutes, occasionally stopping for them both to breathe but even then his lips soon found her neck and moved downward until she would pull his face back to hers to start all over again.
After a few rounds of this Buffy ran her foot up Spike’s leg, rubbing his calf softly. Then she brought both of her legs up to wrap around Spike’s waist. He stopped to gaze into her eyes. There was such longing there that Buffy couldn’t deny he wanted her too. She knew this was right. It was right all along. This was meant to be.
His eyes stayed on hers as he placed his hands on the bed on either side of her body and readied himself. “I love you,” he whispered as he drew his body closer to his.
She watched his face as she kept her legs wrapped around his waist and pulled him closer little by little. When he began his descent she looked into his eyes intently, waiting for some change but all she could see was the love he held for her. It burned in his eyes for all to see. “I love you too,” she whispered back just as she felt him begin to slide inside her. He was going too slowly for her though. Using her legs she pulled him all the way in and sighed involuntarily. Her back arched a little so that her breasts were right in his face.
Spike groaned in pleasure at the feel of her exerting her strength to pull him inside completely. There was no playing around tonight. She wanted him, all of him. With her breasts so perfectly placed he quickly latched his mouth onto the right one and began to suckle it. One hand moved around to the small of her back to hold her arching body to his. After lavishing attention to the right breast he moved to the left and gave it equal attention, loving the sound of her soft moans as he did so.
Buffy wrapped her arms around Spike’s neck and brought his face closer to hers. She placed soft kisses all around his lips before planting the softest kiss of all directly on his lips. Those lips could convince her of anything, of that she was sure, but she didn’t think he knew how much power he had over her. She felt him began to move inside of her and she reluctantly stopped the kiss. Instead of letting his face go though she pulled it to her neck where he began leaving a hot trail of wet kisses. Her skin felt as if it was on fire. She met him thrust for thrust, bringing her hips up to meet his each time he brought his to meet hers.
She ran her fingers through his hair as he continued to suck at her pulse point on her neck. Her soft moans grew louder as she felt her insides clenching. She could feel herself climbing higher and higher, but she didn’t want this to end. It barely felt like they’d started. Slowly she pulled Spike’s head back just a little so she could nibble at his earlobe before whispering, “Flip.”
He pulled back and looked Buffy in the eyes for a moment before coming out of the slight haze he was in to fully understand her meaning. He saw the twinkle in her eye and quickly flipped them over so that she was on top of him. Her legs had untwined from around him before his back had hit the mattress. She was leaning over him in the most intoxicating way that he was sure he was about to lose all the control he was mustering.
His hands easily moved to her hips as he felt her pick up a slow pace. It was torture, but the good kind of torture. He felt her hands slide along his arms to pin his hands above his head and he could only smile at the devilish glint in her eyes. God only knew what his girl was thinking. She kept her hands pinning his above his head for several minutes as she continued the slow, torturous pace of riding him.
She knew just how to lift up and come back down without bringing him higher. She was keeping him right on the edge of which he was glad, but he also wanted to reach the peak. When she released his hands he moved one back to her hip, but the other went in search of its own mischief. He found her clit and began rubbing gentle circles on it with his thumb. As soon as he started this he could feel her muscles begin to tighten around his cock and he moaned her name.
“God Buffy!”
“Mmmm,” she murmured.
“Buffy,” he moaned again.
“More… more…”
“Say my name,” he said clearly as he quickly met her gaze.
She looked at him for a second before saying, “I love you, William.”
That did it for him. He flipped them over once more and began pounding into her at an unrelenting pace. Her cries of passion only spurned him on and he found her clit once more to bring her as high as he could. “Cum for me Buffy. That’s it, cum for me, baby.”
Not even a minute later her muscles were shuddering around him and he was soon following her in crying out his release. He thrust into her hard a few more times before he grunted and his seed spilled inside of her. He slumped against her murmuring her name over and over again. “Buffy, Buffy, Buffy.”
She caressed his cheek softly and whispered “shhh” for a couple of minutes. When he pulled out of her she hated the loss of intimacy, but she didn’t hesitate in curling against his body. He pulled the covers up around them and kissed the top of her head. “Love you,” he whispered as he wrapped his arms around her. A few minutes later and they were both drifting off to sleep.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Here's the next chapter. This one gets a bit emotional, but ends on a high note. ;)
Chapter End Notes:
Tell me what you think. I'm working on Chapter 21 as we speak. I've got a little done on it so far and trying to get it finished up to post this weekend or early next week. :)