[Reviews - 111]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Microsoft Word Chapter or Story | ePub eBook Chapter or Story | Printer Chapter or Story

Has been viewed 4277 times

- Text Size +




Author's Chapter Notes:
Special thanks to my reviewers! cordykitten (you've been great!), JO, Nicki, Cissi (love ya bunches!), Maia, Sandy, & Spiked_Slayer

Thanks again to all!
Chapter 5 – How do we start over?


A small Los Angeles café

They’d been sitting down for a few minutes now and neither spoke. Buffy could hardly look at Spike at the moment. All Spike could do was look at her. A few minutes later the waitress came to take their order. Buffy was grateful for the distraction, even if it was temporary. It gave her a moment to calm down.

Each ordered their lunch and then turned back to one another. Spike looked at Buffy and Buffy finally looked back at Spike.

“So…” she began awkwardly.

“I’m not mad,” he said seriously.

She looked at him, trying to figure out if he was serious. “Why not?” she asked. Then she added, “I mean… I would be if I were you.”

“I could be. A part of me is, I suppose, but the bigger part of me…” he sighed before finishing, “just wants to know about my son. I’m a da’ and I find that unbelievable and… believe it or not, I’m happy about it.”

The look on her face conveyed how puzzled she was by his words. She couldn’t believe what he was saying.

“Okay,” she said. “What do you want to know? I can tell you anything about him.”

“Well… let’s start with his name, and then we can go from there.” Spike smiled.

Buffy smiled back, feeling the mood lighten just a tad. “His name is William.” She looked at Spike and felt her cheeks get hotter. Then she looked down for a moment.

Spike cocked his head to the side. “You named him after me?”

She looked up at this. “Yes.”

“Why?”

She looked at him for a moment, unsure of the question. She knew what it meant, but she didn’t understand why he wanted to know.

He elaborated. “It’s just… I haven’t been around you or…William. Why would you name him after an absentee father?”

She looked Spike in the eye as she answered him. “He’s a part of you as much as he’s a part of me. No matter if you were there or not I wanted our son to have a part of you with him, forever.” She took a moment to gulp down some of the water their waitress had brought over during their conversation. “I know that you haven’t been around, and part of that is my fault. I should have tried harder to contact you when I found out I was pregnant.”

“It’s not your fault,” he said quietly. “I shouldn’t have left in the first place… there were things I should have said before I left anyway… and I should have called more often. I moved, my number changed, but I knew how to get in touch with you.”

She was amazed at how kind he was being about everything. She never expected it to be like this… well… only in the good dreams she had about telling him. “I wish you’d been there,” she said softly. Suddenly she caught on to something he said. “What things should you have said?”

“Oh…I…uh…” he fumbled with his words. Then the food came and he didn’t have to say anything for a few minutes.

Buffy thanked the waitress for her food and turned back to Spike as soon as she left their table. “What should you have said, William?” she asked with a demanding presence to her voice.

“I love you,” he said under his breath.

She stopped. It felt like her heart stopped too. He said it. Those three little words had now been spoken between them. She had longed to hear them, but now she didn’t know what to do. Well, she knew what she wanted to do. She knew what she would’ve said 5 years ago, but could she say it now. She looked at him.

Spike gazed into her eyes, trying to figure out what her reaction was. “Do you love me too?” he asked. “Did you ever love me?”

“I loved you then,” she said. “I should have told you that before you left. I wanted to that night, but I thought it would just make things harder when you had to go in the morning.” She looked at him as she picked up a fry and bit off the end of it. She couldn’t say that she loved him now though. They were different people now. She felt something for him, but she didn’t know if it was love.

“Really?” he said with a little surprise. A part of him was saddened that she couldn’t say she loved him now, but he understood. He was happy to have heard her say it at all.

“Yeah,” she said with a smile.

He shook himself and took a bite of his lunch. After he chewed he looked at Buffy and asked, “When was he born?”

She smiled. “March 10, 2000.”

“9 months after…” he began.

“Graduation,” she finished. “Yeah, it was.”

“How big was he?”

“Oh… 7 pounds 8 ounces,” she said with a small shrug.

His eyes went a little big. He couldn’t imagine something that size coming out of such a small frame as Buffy’s.

She smiled. “He was pretty easy… well, from the horror stories I hear from other mom’s anyway. He only caused me 6 hours of hell.”

“You’re a mum,” he murmured. A small smile graced his lips.

Buffy nodded. “Yeah, and you’re a dad.”

“I can’t believe it!” he looked at her with awe. He reached across the table and placed his hand on hers. “We made something… we’re parents…” he looked at their hands. “I want to be there for you and William, okay?”

She nodded. “That’ll be nice. I’ve always wanted you to be a part of his life, always.”

He looked at her. He saw the truth in her eyes and yet he had to ask. “Then why didn’t you call?”

“I did call. I called the number you left me… I guess it was your first place in LA.” Buffy paused.

“Yeah,” Spike nodded. “I stayed there for a couple of months before moving on.”

Buffy continued, “The guy that you lived with there gave me your new number and when I finally got up the courage to call…” Buffy swallowed hard. The memory still bothered her. “The girl that answered told me that no William lived there.” She looked down and said, “After that I never tried again… I just told myself it was best to move on. I finished my fall semester at Sunnydale U. and moved to San Francisco in December.”

He ran his hand over his mouth. He knew from what Buffy had said about the girl and asking for ‘William’ what had happened, and he couldn’t believe his bad luck. “I’m so sorry Buffy…” he looked down as he continued, “You had the right number.”

“What?” She looked up at him, but he was looking down. “William, look at me… please.” She was half pleading with him despite the surprised and somewhat angry tone in her voice. “How can that be true?”

He looked up at her and sighed. “Well… when I started in the business I picked a stage name. Spike. Most people, fans and friends alike, know me by that name now.” He stopped for a few seconds before adding, “The girl I was living with… got annoyed when people asked for William when they called, so she always told them that no one by that name lived there. To her I was Spike, so William didn’t live there, but I really am sorry Buffy. I never meant to ignore your calls… my God, if I had gotten that call…”

When he started telling her what had happened Buffy felt more than a little angry, but as he went on she knew that he never meant for it to happen. How could she be angry with him for something that happened 5 years ago, and something that he didn’t even do? She was, however, angry with the girl who answered the phone all those years ago.

Buffy slid her hand across the table and toyed with Spike’s fingers. “I don’t blame you. You didn’t know what was going on, no one really knew. Well… my mom and Willow and Xander, but most people didn’t know that I was pregnant. I never told your parents. I don’t even know if Mom told my dad. By the time I moved out I was just barely showing, so no one ever said anything to me about it. It was only in San Francisco that people noticed that I was pregnant or had a baby, and then no one really said anything to me because I wasn’t feeling very social. I’ve made some friends now, but I didn’t want to at first.”

Spike looked at their hands when he felt her touch. Then he gazed into her eyes as she spoke to him. He felt his heart swell when she said she didn’t blame him. The bits she told him of people who knew about the pregnancy gave him a tinge of shame and jealousy. He was jealous that her friends and family had been there for him and he was ashamed that he had not.

“I should have been there Buffy. I never should have left you.”

She smiled a smile that only came with growing up and knowing that everything happens for a reason. “Maybe so,” she said with a shrug. “But you didn’t, and we’re okay.”

“Okay?” he said with a puzzled look. “My son has been living without a father. How is that okay?” His tone had deepened and he felt his heart clench at the thought of his son growing up without him.

It felt as if someone was gripping her heart and her throat at the same time. She could hear the pain in his voice and she could see it written all over his face. She hated to see him like this.

Buffy shook her head. “No, William. It’s not okay. It’s far from okay,” she glanced down at her clasped hands on the table. Looking back at him she continued, “But what else am I supposed to tell you? Should I tell you how hard it was when I found out and couldn’t reach you? Should I explain why I left Sunnydale? Why I left my family and friends? I can tell you why. I left because everywhere I turned, everywhere I looked… I saw you.” She paused and took a deep breath to calm herself. “I could feel you with me in every place of that town. It was my home for so long. I had so many memories there, and most of them were with you.”

It shook him to his core to hear her rant as she had, but he was glad she did. He didn’t want her pretending that everything was okay. “Buffy, I’m so sorry.”

Tears shone in her eyes as she looked back at Spike now. “Thank you,” she said softly.

He looked down at his half eaten lunch and across the table at hers. “Are you done?”

She nodded and blinked the tears away. Then she quickly added, “Can I get it boxed up though?” A small smile played on her lips as she explained, “Will would like some of this stuff.”

He smiled a genuine smile back at her before flagging down their waitress to ask for a ‘to go’ box. Once the box and check had been taken care of Spike walked out of the restaurant with Buffy.

They headed down the street to the parking lot in silence. When they reached the entrance to the lot Spike stopped and put a hand on Buffy’s arm. She turned around to look at Spike.

“Take a walk with me?” he said in the form of a question.

She nodded her consent. He held out his arm for her and waited until she took it. He led her to a small park a couple blocks from the café. After entering the park he took her by the hand to a bench where he sat down and then motioned for her to do the same.

Buffy looked into Spike’s eyes as she sat down beside him. She could feel his body heat and it made her body hum in a very good way. This was closer than they had been in a long time. “Will…” she started.

“Shh…” he quieted and put a finger to her lips. “I brought you hear because I wanted to talk more and I wanted you to see a place that’s important to me.” He took her hands in his for a moment as he gazed into her eyes. “I love you, Buffy Summers. I know that we can’t pick up where we left off. There’s so much that hasn’t been said, and we’re just starting to talk again. We’re just getting to know each other again, and I like that. So… I just have one question for you.”

She looked at him and nodded again since it seemed he was waiting for permission to ask.

“How do we start over?”

Her breath hitched. That was his question? She didn’t know how to answer that one, but she wanted to give him something. She bit her lip thoughtfully as she went through her mind. When she finally had something she looked into his eyes and said, “We don’t.”

His heart sank. That wasn’t what he wanted to hear. It wasn’t what he had expected either. Then, just as he was beginning to lose hope he felt her squeeze his hand lightly.

She took her other hand and cupped his face. “Oh, William… that’s not what I meant.” Her thumb ran over his sharp cheek bone and she smiled. “My words never come out the way I want.” She took pause before she began to speak quietly. “I loved you when you left. I don’t know if I can love you again, but what I do know is that our son deserves a chance to know his father. And you deserve to have that chance too. I never wanted to keep you from him, and now that we’re here I can’t do it any longer.” She leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss to his lips before pulling away. “So… for now that’s what it will be, a chance for father and son to get to know one another. Okay?”

Spike swallowed hard. He couldn’t utter a word so he nodded silently.





You must login (register) to review.