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When William woke again, Buffy was scrambling around the dark room trying to find her clothes. He was surprised at how much it hurt to see her sneaking out without saying anything to him. He knew he should be used to it, but a small part of him had been hoping that maybe, this time would be different. Any hope of that was squashed now.

"Taking off already, kitten?"

Buffy turned, startled. "William! I didn't know you were awake."

"You kept bumping into things. Kinda hard to sleep through that, pet."

"It's dark. I can't see."

"Why didn't you turn on the light?"

"I didn't want to wake you up."

"Well, there's a bit of irony for you."

Buffy laughed a little. "I didn't think it was a good idea for me to stay the night. Someone might see me coming out of your room in the morning."

"So it's back to that then."

"William, I…"

"It's all right. Not like I actually thought this was going to turn into anything. I wised up as far as that goes a long time ago." He propped himself up on an elbow, watching her as she tried to dress herself in the dark. "Turn on the light, Buffy. You can't see what you're doing."

"I don't want to."

William didn't think this could possibly hurt any more. He was wrong. Knowing that she couldn't even stand to look at him made the aching increase tenfold. He repressed the urge to beg her to stay, just a little longer. He couldn't go down that road, not again. "Right. So I guess I'll see you around then."

"We can talk tomorrow."

"There's nothing to talk about, Buffy," William said bitterly. "We had sex again—and again it was a mistake."

Buffy felt as if his words had physically hit her. "William…"

"What? Don't want me taking your lines?" William felt his hurt being quickly replaced by anger. It was easier that way. Anger was something he could deal with.

"No, it's…"

"Don't. I'm so sick of hearing you rationalizing this away. Just get your clothes on and go."

Buffy felt her lip quiver for a moment, but she pushed the tears back. "Fine," she snapped, finishing dressing. "And just so you know, this is the last time I make this 'mistake.'"

"Good!" William snapped back. "I'm tired of you anyway!"

"Well, that's just fine because I'm tired of you!"

Buffy stormed out of the room, only forgoing the slamming of the door because she didn't want to bring anyone out into the hallway to see what was going on. She started to go back home, but decided to head down to the kitchen instead. Her fridge was nearly empty, and she needed something comforting.

She found ice cream in the freezer with a post-it note reading "ANDREW'S!" in huge print. She pulled it off without a second thought, tossing it in the trash bin and sitting down with the ice cream in a spoon.

Buffy sat up straight when she saw the kitchen door open, then relaxed when she saw who it was. "Willow, hey. I'm glad it's you."

Willow looked over at her best friend and smirked. "Afraid I was Andrew come to reclaim his ice cream? You know, I don't know why he still bothers to put post-its on things. Not once in seven years has anyone ever stopped because he put his name on something."

Buffy took another bite of ice cream. "Well, by now it's just tradition, I think. So what are you doing in here? You're usually out of the main building by now."

"I was in here watching television on the big television in the rec room, and I fell asleep. But then I woke up hungry and figured I'd come in here and scavenge."

"Grab a spoon, and you can join me," Buffy offered.

Willow took her up on it, sitting across from Buffy at the island in the middle of the large kitchen. Buffy handed her the ice cream. "So what's up with Spike being here?" Willow asked as she took a bite.

Buffy looked down. "Can't we talk about something else?"

Willow frowned. "Buffy, is something wrong?"

Buffy looked up again, and Willow could tell she was about to cry. "Will, I think I did something really stupid."

"What?"

"I slept with him."

"Already?"

"Huh?"

"Well, I figured you would, I just gave it at least a couple of weeks. Kennedy said within twenty-four hours of him getting here. Damn, guess I lost." Another bite of ice cream.

Buffy took the carton back. "This is serious, you know. I mean, I want him so badly I don't know what to do. When I was leaving his room earlier I couldn't even turn the light on, because I knew as soon as I saw him I'd just get right back in the bed."

"So why didn't you?" Willow asked, reclaiming the ice cream. "I mean, if you want to, you might as well. You're both adults, and it's not like you have that whole vampire/slayer problem anymore. There's not really anything standing in your way."

"But things are still complicated," Buffy said with a sigh. "Last week I thought I was married. And those feelings I had for Clint, they seemed so real, Willow. They made me think I was happy. And now, I'm just confused."

"I guess Spike being back doesn't exactly help with you trying to sort through all that, huh?" Willow handed the ice cream back to Buffy.

"No. Now not only do I have to figure all that out, but I have to figure him out as well." She took a bite of ice cream, then set it down, letting out a deep breath. "Willow, it was amazing. It's totally different, being with him now that he's alive. It was always good, but this time, well, it was perfect. I'm not sure I can handle that right now."

"You can't handle perfect sex?"

"No. Like you said, there's nothing standing between us now, not really anyway. It's scary."

"It's more than just what happened to you in Texas that makes you afraid to jump into anything with Spike, isn't it Buffy?" Willow reached for the ice cream.

Buffy looked down a little. "Yes. When I'm with him, I know I could fall for him. Hard." She looked up, meeting Willow's eyes. "Like I fell for Angel kind of hard. So in love I'd crumble without him. I can't ever afford to do that again, Will."

"Buffy, love is about taking chances. After I lost Tara, I was afraid to get really serious with Kennedy. But I did. And it was the best decision I ever made."

"I don't know if it would be with him. I'm not sure we could ever make it work. I mean, yeah, I feel something for Spike, something very strong, but we've never really had a relationship built on anything but sex before. I'm not sure we could have anything else."

"You don't know until you've tried."

"I know, but…"

Willow cut her off. "Buffy, I can't say I understand what you have with Spike. But I do know there's something real there. I don't know why you keep fighting it, but as things stand, there's no point. Maybe a relationship between the two of you wouldn't work. But maybe it would. Throwing away anything the two of you possibly could have without giving it a try is a mistake."

"I don't want to get hurt."

"Look me in the eye and tell me that watching him walk out of your life again wouldn't hurt."

Buffy reclaimed the ice cream. "Why'd you have to go and make things all rational?"

"Because that's what best friends do. So are you going to make a go at it?"

"I'm not sure if he wants to. He called tonight a mistake."

"Buffy, honestly, it's Spike. Do you think he'd seriously turn down a chance to actually be with you?"

"He seemed pretty fed up with me earlier…"

"Pift. Just talk to him tomorrow. Tell him you have feelings for him, but you want to take things slow, see what happens."

"Willow, it's just not that simple."

"Why not? Why can't it be that simple?"

"Because it never has been! We'll just end up hurting each other all over again."

"It's been six years, Buffy. Things may have changed."

Buffy stirred the melting ice cream around with her spoon. "Things will never change with us. Spike and I, we just don't work."

"No, you're right. You and Spike don't work." Buffy started to say something, and Willow added quickly. "But maybe you and William do."

Buffy stood up. "No, we wouldn't. I can't…I can't do this. It's just all too much. I have to go to bed."

"Buffy."

"Good night, Willow."

Willow frowned as she watched her best friend leave the kitchen. "Good night."

*** *** ***

Once back in her own bed, Buffy couldn't sleep. The rational part of her brain kept telling her that being with Spike was dangerous. What they had couldn't be anything lasting, anything real. It was the kind of passion that burned hot, but quickly consumed until all you had left were ashes. She'd gone down that path with him too many times before. But another part of her was telling her to throw away her inhibitions over this and finally really give herself to him. She kept going back to what Willow had said, about how maybe she'd be able to find something with William that she never had with Spike. Could things be different now that he was different?

Still, Buffy knew that part of William had always been in Spike. She acknowledged now what she couldn't before—that he'd kept a spark of humanity even when he didn't have a soul. It was that spark that had drawn her to him time and time again, and, if she was being honest with herself, what made her love him. It had scared her, the way he'd looked at her with so much love in his eyes. He should've been a thing, evil and soulless, but in the furthest recesses of her mind, she'd known something else was there. She'd known it from the beginning, felt it when she'd seen the panic he'd felt the first time she'd threatened to stake Drusilla. Part of the man he'd been had never left, and Buffy had found it all too easy to fall for him, to want to pull that man away from the monster and hold him until the world fell away.

I have given, I have given and got none
Still I'm driven by something I can't explain
It's not a cross, it is a choice
I cannot help but hear his voice
I only wish that I could listen without shame

Let it rain, let it rain on me
Let it rain, oh let it rain
Let it rain on me

William lay in bed after Buffy left, staring at the ceiling. He could still smell Buffy all around him, their scents still mingled on his sheets. He could almost still feel her touching his skin, but every caress was soured by the memory of how quick she'd been to run away again. It seemed that even when he was human, he wasn't good enough for her. William got out of the bed, unable to stand being surrounded by her anymore. He ripped the sheets off the bed, tossing them across the room and as far away from him as possible. William felt like a fool to think that he'd ever be what Buffy wanted. He'd gone half way around the world to get a soul for her, and still, she hadn't loved him. Why would him being human make any difference?

William went into the bathroom, needing to wash her off of him. His entire body was stained by her touch, her smell, and he couldn't stand it. He stopped at the sink, catching a glimpse of his reflection. The face that looked back seemed to be mocking him, taunting him with all he wasn't. He was just William. Pathetic, weak, and useless. For so long his reflection had been hidden from him, and now he was faced with the stark reality of it all. Underneath the loud music, leather coats, and bleached hair he would never be more than William, the Bloody Awful Poet. He hated what he saw. No wonder, Buffy doesn't want you, you miserable git. William reached up, smashing the mirror with his fist. But his reflection kept staring back at him, broken but still taunting.

I have been a witness to the perfect crime
I Wipe the grin off of my face to hide the blame
It isn't worth the tears you cry
To have a perfect alibi
Now I'm beaten at the hands of my own game

Let it rain, let it rain on me
Let it rain, oh let it rain
Let it rain on me

Buffy couldn't have what she wanted. She never let herself get that close, instead only allowing herself a taste of what he was, never allowing for gentle reminders that he was still human somewhere, deep inside. She told herself over and over that he was just a vampire, nothing better than those she would slay every night. But now, the monster was gone, leaving only the man in its place. Those soft, vulnerable eyes she'd caught looking at her for fleeting moments were there all the time now, begging her to finally accept and acknowledge what it was between them. Begging her to love him.

Buffy had told Angel once that she was "cookie dough," not finished baking. She'd told him that maybe, someday, she'd be ready for a real relationship. That had been before she'd become the mentor to a thousand slayers. She'd thought that once she'd begun to share her power, her burden, with so many that her life would be her own. But it hadn't happened that way. If anything, it was worse now, her every waking moment dedicated to making every one of those girls strong enough to face the darkness. Before, she'd been the center, the Chosen One. Now, she had to hold herself up for every other slayer, her status as the only slayer left who had ever been that One pushing her to the position of role model and leader for all the rest. She was like a general, with her army counting on her to bring them home safely. Even with the war that had raged in LA over, there was still so much fighting left to do.

It isn't easy to be kind
With all these demons in my mind
I only hope one day I'll be free…

Blood ran down William's fist and arm, dripping into the sink. The sight of it did nothing for him, and while he could still recognize the scent, it didn't call to him like it once had. He touched the cuts, then brought the finger to his mouth, tentatively licking the blood. The taste was metallic, a little salty, but nothing like it had once been. He could remember what blood had been to him before, how it had tasted better than anything else he could ever imagine. Now it was nothing, just like the rest of him.

William looked at the broken mirror again and laughed, a bit deliriously. He remembered only a few days ago that he'd broken the mirror in the hotel room, hating it for refusing to show his reflection and reminding him of what he'd then thought was why he could never be with Buffy. Now he knew the true reason why he could never have her. It had never been that he didn't have a soul or that he was a vampire, but just that Buffy didn't want him. She didn't want William. He thought back to years before, when she'd walked away from him in his crypt, using his real name to him for the first time. She'd known the man inside him then, had called him by name, and still he wasn't good enough. He understood that now. Like she'd said to him in the alley after he'd told her how he'd killed the other two slayers, he was beneath her.

I do my best not to complain
My face is dirty from the strain
I only hope one day I'll come clean

Buffy knew it would never stop. As long as there was breath in her body, she still had her duties as a slayer, and she couldn't let anything distract her from that, not even piercing blue eyes, revealing to her a haunted soul.

Rain, let it rain on me
Let it rain, oh let it rain
Let it rain on me

William sank down to the ground, letting himself cry for what he knew he could never have.

Let it rain…

*** *** ***

Dawn walked into her sister's house without knocking. "Buffy! Buffy, are you in here? Where are you?"

Buffy came out of the kitchen. "I was just making myself some breakfast. And don't you know how to knock?"

"Technically. Hey, I need to borrow a dress."

"A dress?"

"Yeah. I have a…" Dawn stopped. "Buffy, you look awful."

"Gee, thanks."

"Sorry, it's just that you look a little haggard. Rough night?"

Buffy shrugged. "I guess. I just didn't sleep very well."

Dawn frowned. "Still upset over what happened to you in Texas?"

"Yeah." Buffy smiled, not wanting Dawn to worry. "But I'll be back to my old self in no time, I'm sure."

"Have you talked to William at all? He seemed pretty down, too. Maybe the two of you could cheer each other up or something."

Buffy gave Dawn a stern look. "Come on. When have Spike and I ever cheered each other up?" Dawn started to say something, but Buffy cut her off. "So what's this about needing a dress?"

"Yeah, that. I need something nice, and I don't really have anything that fits the bill. I thought maybe you would."

"What's it for?" Buffy asked. Dawn looked away and mumbled. "Could you repeat that? I didn't quite hear you…"

Dawn sighed and looked up at Buffy. "Fine, it's for a date."

"A date, huh? What's with all the mumbliness? I know you date. Heck, I've even accepted the fact that you've most likely had sex—thought I don't ever, ever want to hear about it."

"It's just, well, I really like this guy, and, um, I'm not sure you'll approve."

"I won't approve? What's wrong with him?" Buffy gave Dawn a mock-stern look. "He's not a vampire is he, because like I said that Halloween…"

Dawn cut her off with a laugh. "No. I'll leave the vampire dating up to the older Summers sister, thank you. No, it's just, well, it's someone you know, and, um… Oh fine, it's Andrew."

Buffy stared, her eyes bugging. "Andrew? Andrew? As in Tucker's brother?"

"He really hates it when you guys call him that. You know him a lot better than you ever knew Tucker."

"I know, I, um… Isn't he gay?"

Dawn rolled her eyes. "No." She looked back at Buffy, a slow smile crossing her lips. "I can tell you he is definitely not gay."

Buffy held up her hands. "Okay, this is one of those things I don't want to hear about. I'll lend you a dress on one condition."

"And what would that be?"

"You make sure it's thoroughly disinfected before you bring it back."

"Buffy!"

"What?" Buffy sighed dramatically. "Fine, I'll be nice about this." She gave Dawn a sideways glance. "You really like him?"

"I love him, Buffy."

Buffy blinked. "Love? Dawn, are you sure, I mean…"

"Yes, I'm sure. Look, I wanted to tell you, but you were gone, and then when you came back, things were sort of hectic, and I didn't know the right time. But I guess now is as good a time as any. And I really need a nice dress since tonight," Dawn smiled, "well, it may be the night, Buffy."

"The night?"

"Yes." Dawn smile grew. "I have it on fairly good authority that he plans to propose."

Buffy sputtered. "Propose?" She started to say the first thought that came into her head, but at the look on her younger sister's face, she changed her mind. "That's great, Dawnie! I'm happy for you."

"Really?"

"Yes, really." Buffy hugged Dawn. "You just tell me if he does anything to hurt you. I've kicked his ass before, and I can do it again."

Dawn giggled. "I will. So about that dress…"

"Hey, you can be proposed to in a borrowed dress. How much time until you're supposed to leave?"

"Oh, we're not going out until eight. I have tons of time."

"Then let's go shopping. I'll help you pick something out."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. It's been ages since we've spent any quality sister time."

"You don't have too much Slayer stuff to catch up on after being gone so long."

"Nah. You guys ran the show just fine without me. Give me, say, an hour to shower and change, and we'll head out."

"Sounds great," Dawn said, her smile huge. "I'll come back here in an hour."

Dawn left, and Buffy walked towards her bedroom, pondering how exactly her sister had ended up with Andrew Wells of all people. At least thinking about that took her mind of William…

*** *** ***

Buffy looked at Dawn from across the table outside the small café. "So how long has this thing with Andrew been going on?" Buffy asked, taking a bite of her salad.

"About eight months," Dawn replied. "Officially, anyway. I think we were moving towards it for a while, though."

Buffy blinked. "Really? I didn't notice. I mean, I knew you guys had starting being pretty good friends in Italy—nothing was going on in Italy, was it?"

"What, when you were busy doing god knows what with 'the Immortal?" Dawn rolled her eyes at the mention of Buffy's old flame.

Buffy groaned. "Please, don't ever mention his name. I have no idea what convinced me that little tryst was a good idea."

"I do," Dawn replied.

"Oh, really? Share your wisdom with me, oh enlightened one."

"Spike."

"Come again?"

"You were having a hard time getting over his sacrifice. You were grateful for what he did, knew it couldn't have been any other way, but you missed him. And it hurt—more than you wanted it to. So you let yourself get pulled into a relationship where you could have fun, loose yourself for a while. Granted, you didn't exactly pick the best guy for that, but hey, we all make mistakes." Dawn gave Buffy a small smile. "And as for Andrew and me back then, no. We were friends, yeah, but nothing more. It wasn't until I really started working with the Council that things…changed."

Buffy decided to let the conversation slip back to Andrew and away from the Immortal, although part of her was still mulling over what Dawn had said about her relationship with the Immortal really being about her trying to get over Spike. "When did things change? I mean, call me dense here, but I never exactly pegged you and Andrew for couple material."

"I'm not really sure when they changed myself," Dawn said. "It was just, well, one night, we were working late, trying to sort out the details on finding a new Slayer that had been identified. Anyway, we were sitting on the floor of my office eating dinner, when I looked at him, and I just knew—you know? All of the sudden, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I loved him."

"All of the sudden? Are you sure it's not…"

"A spell?"

"Yeah."

Dawn gave her sister a stern look. "No, it's not a spell. I've been under a love spell before—remember R.J.?"

"How could I forget him and his oh so dreamy letter jacket," Buffy said with a smirk. "But seriously, Andrew's been known to do some pretty crazy stuff in the past. And I like him too, these days, but…"

Dawn cut Buffy off. "In the past, Buffy. People change. None of us are the same as we were back then. And Andrew, he's a good guy. I love him." Dawn smirked. "And as for the spell, Willow insisted she check me out to make sure no one had been working any love mojo on me, even though I knew it felt too real to be anything else. She was just as shocked as you were when I told her."

"And you came out spell free?"

"Yes, Buffy."

"Well, as long as you're happy…"

"I totally am. Look, I know it seems weird, but Andrew and I, we just work. I don't know why, I don't know how, but we do." Dawn smiled knowingly. "Love doesn't always make sense. Sometimes you meet someone that at first glance doesn't seem like the person your friends would pick for you, or even who you'd pick for yourself, but when you stop and look at it, it's just right. Love is about who speaks to your heart."

Buffy met Dawn's eyes, and for a second, Buffy wondered if her sister was still talking about her relationship with Andrew or something else entirely. Could Dawn know? "I'm, um, glad you've found someone who speaks to your heart, Dawn. So are you about done with your lunch? We still haven't found a dress."

Dawn sighed inwardly, wishing her older sister wasn't so difficult. "Almost."

*** *** ***

Dawn turned around, letting Buffy get a glimpse of her from every angle. "So, how do I look?"

"Great," Buffy said, smiling warmly. "Andrew's gonna love it."

"He better, with that price tag," Dawn replied. She softly patted her hair. "It's all still in place, right?"

"Yes. You look perfect."

Dawn could hardly contain her nervous excitement. "I can't believe that by this time tomorrow I'll probably be engaged." Dawn jumped a little, letting out a happy squeal. Buffy smiled, the gleam in Dawn's eyes reminding her of the little girl her sister used to be.

Buffy hugged Dawn. "I'm really glad to see you so happy, Dawnie," she said. "You having a good life is the most important thing in the world to me."

Dawn pulled away. "I want you to be happy, too, Buffy."

"I am."

"Buffy, I know you probably don't want to talk about him, but William…"

"Am I interrupting anything?"

Buffy and Dawn turned around, seeing Andrew coming into the main hall where they stood. Dawn's entire face seemed to light up, and Buffy no longer doubted that her sister was truly in love. "No," Buffy said, grateful for the distraction from the subject Dawn was about to bring up. "You're not interrupting anything."

Dawn decided she could talk to Buffy about the former vampire some other time. "Are you ready to go?" she asked Andrew.

"Ready when you are," he said, returning Dawn's bright smile. He walked up to her, taking her hand. "You look…wow—you're beautiful."

Dawn straightened Andrew's tie. "You look pretty good yourself." Andrew blushed slightly under Dawn's attention.

Buffy gave the couple a mock-stern look, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. "Don't you keep her out too late, mister," she said to Andrew shaking her finger. "And behave yourself."

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Sure, Buffy, we'll be good."

Buffy smirked. "Somehow, I don't believe you when you use that tone. Have a good time, you two."

"Thanks, Buffy," Dawn said, linking her arm with Andrew's. "Good night."

"Good night," Buffy replied as Dawn and Andrew walked off. Buffy watched as the young couple walked away, their love obvious to anyone who cared to look. Buffy felt a twinge of guilt as she realized she was jealous of her sister.

Buffy walked back to her house alone.

*** *** ***

Sorry for the huge gap in postings, but I got caught up on my other fic.

I didn't get a lot of feedback on the last one, so I'm not sure if anyone's still reading this. Let me know if you are—there's no point in writing this if no one cares anymore!

Also, the song used is "Let it Rain" by Amanda Marshall.





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