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Giles sat across from William, fidgeting uncomfortably. "So you think you know what did this to me?" William asked after a moment, breaking the uneasy silence.

"Yes," Giles said, predictably taking off his glasses and giving them a vigorous rubbing. "From the descriptions you and Buffy gave of both the demons and the ritual, I believe they were Vrognash demons."

"Never heard of 'em."

"Well, they're rare in this dimension. I'm not entirely sure why they were even here, other than that it appears that they were trying to establish some sort of community for themselves in Texas. They could've been refugees from their dimension, or the first wave of an apocalyptic attack. I have no idea, or any way of knowing."

"Can't we just go back there and beat it out of them?" William asked.

The glasses came off again. "I'm afraid not. The Council dispatched a small group of Slayers to survey the area shortly after you and Buffy arrived. They found nothing, no trace a town had ever even been there."

William slumped in his chair. "I guess that means there's no chance of them turning me back then."

Giles had almost replaced his glasses, but resumed his cleaning at William's statement. "Spike, even if they were still there, I believe returning you to the state you were before the ritual would be impossible. From what I have read, the Vrognash gain power by essentially draining it from other demons. In your case, they drained that power from the demon that resided in your body and made you a vampire. Presumably, that should've killed you, since without the demon, your body would've essentially been, well, a corpse. I can only assume that when Buffy ended the ritual prematurely, there was just enough demon left in you to keep you alive, yet not enough to allow you to remain a vampire."

"How human am I, Rupert? I know you ran a few tests when I first got here."

"From what I can tell, you are very much human, aside from the enhanced strength and senses. I have no reason to believe that you will be unable to live a normal, human life from here on out. Or, um, as normal as one can live under the circumstances."

"So there's no chance of me becoming what I was?"

"No."

"Bloody wonderful," William muttered under his breath. He stood up. "Been great chatting with you, Rupes, but I think I need to be on my own for a bit."

"Of course. Although I did want to ask you what your intentions are. Do you plan to stay here or…"

"Don't worry. I'll be out of your hair soon enough. You don't have to worry about me reassigning myself the position of Buffy's personal stalker or some such."

Giles chuckled slightly, but William could tell it was forced. "Good to hear. That you don't plan to stalk Buffy of course. As for you leaving, you're welcome…"

"Save it. I know what your feelings concerning me are. You don't have to claim otherwise."

"Spike, our past notwithstanding, you have done a lot of good over the years, and…"

"Yeah, good. Look, I'm not in the mood for a chat. I'll see you around."

William hurried out of Giles's office and back to his own quarters. In the back of his mind he'd been holding on to the small hope that the demons in Texas—the Vrognosh—could somehow change him back to the way he'd been. But they were gone, along with his only chance at being restored.

No...not your only chance… A voice in the back of his mind reminded William that there were other ways of becoming what he had been. He could…

"No," William said aloud. "I won't do that. I won't become that again."

William glanced wildly around the room. He could see his shards of his reflection in the shattered mirror, his own terror echoed back through the image. He hurried out of the room, hoping maybe some fresh air could help calm him. If he could feel the sunlight on him, then maybe it could remind him there were things worth living for…

Buffy came down the hall, almost running directly into William. She froze, staring up at him. They hadn't had a chance to talk since she'd left his room that night, and now she didn't know what to say.

William looked down at her, his eyes pleading. "Buffy…"

Buffy felt a sudden wave of fear. She couldn't let her defenses down with him again. She had too much relying on her to be anything but strong. "William, I have a training session I'm supposed to be in in five minutes."

"Buffy, please," William said softly. "I just need you to…"

"To what?" Buffy snapped. "I can't do anything for you, can't give you anything. Whatever we had, it's over, okay? The other night was a mistake. We need to just go on with our lives." She looked up at him and repeated the words she'd said to him years ago. "You have to move on."

William blinked. Buffy expected him to yell at her, or at the very least make some sort of sarcastic comment. But he didn't. He just nodded. "I understand."

His lack of response affected Buffy more than she ever realized it would. "O…okay then. I'll, um, see you."

William gave a terse nod and kept walking. He wasn't sure what he'd expected from Buffy. But he knew now. She never would love him. If he stayed as he was now, he'd simply rot away like any human, die cold and alone. He couldn't do that, couldn't face that emptiness.

"Where are you going?"

William froze, turning around slowly. Dawn. She was the one person he didn't want to face right now. "Out."

"Alone?"

"Yeah."

"Can I come with you? I wanted to talk to you."

"No!" William's sharp tone made Dawn step back a little, and he immediately regretted it. "Sorry, nibblet, it's just…where I'm going I need to be alone."

Dawn frowned. "Where are you going?"

"I can't say."

"You're not…you're not coming back are you?"

"Probably not."

Dawn fought back tears. Even before Spike had his soul, Dawn had seen him as her protector, her Champion. Seeing him like this, empty and broken, made her hurt. "William, let me help you."

"No. You…you can't. Only she can…"

"Who? Buffy?"

"No. Not Buffy. Only…" He stopped. "I have to go."

"Only who? Who are you…" Dawn stopped, her eyes growing wide as realization hit her. "You mean… William, no. Don't do it. I know this has been hard for you, but please. Please, don't do this." Dawn felt began to cry.

"I have to!" William replied. "You…you don't understand. This is too hard. I can't take it anymore. Buffy…Buffy she hates me."

"Buffy does not hate you. She's just…confused."

"I'm all alone like this, bit," William said, his voice sounding rough as if he was about to cry as well.

"No, you're not. You…you have me…"

William regarded her sadly for a moment. "You have your life to live, Dawn." He pointed to the diamond ring she now wore on her left hand. "Looks like you have another man in your life now."

Dawn shook her head, her tears making it hard for her to talk. "Please, William, don't do this. It's just all new. Give it time."

"I'm sorry," William replied. "I'm just not strong enough. Not anymore." He kissed the top of her head.

"No…" Dawn whispered, watching as he walked away. Dawn stood there for a moment before running up to the training room, bursting in. "Buffy!"

Buffy stopped in the middle of the instruction she was giving one of the newest Slayers. "Dawn, what are you doing? I'm working…"

"Buffy, it's important. It's William."

"What about him?"

"I think he's going to try to find Drusilla, have her sire him again."

Buffy paled. "Are you sure? Did he say…"

"He didn't say it exactly, but I could tell. Buffy, he looked…desperate."

Buffy turned to the woman beside her. "Kennedy, I need you to take over the class."

"Yeah, of course," Kennedy replied before focusing on the class, getting them to snap back to attention after the distraction.

Buffy left the room with Dawn. "What happened?"

"I saw him leaving. He was really upset, and he said something about 'her' being the only one who could help him now. I asked if he meant you, and he said no. The only person left, especially in his current state would be…"

"Drusilla," Buffy finished.

"Buffy, if he lets her make him a vampire again, he'll be just like he was before—no soul."

"I know," Buffy replied. She remembered how she'd treated him in the hallway and felt cold inside. He'd needed her then, and she'd only thought of herself. But hadn't that always been the way it was with them? Buffy felt sick, all the times she'd mistreated Spike suddenly rushing into her mind with blinding clarity. She had to find him, had to make things right. "Do you know where he was going?"

"No. He just…left."

"I'll…I'll find Willow, have her do a locator spell and try to pinpoint him. Drusilla could be anywhere. It'll take him a while to find her—if ever."

Dawn nodded. "Find him, Buffy. And when you do, don't hurt him again. You've put him through enough."

Buffy jumped a little at the menacing tone in her sister's voice. "I know. I'll…I'll make it up to him."

"I don't know if you can," Dawn replied. "Some damage isn't possible to repair."

Buffy looked down, not wanting Dawn to see the shame in her eyes. "I know."

"Go find him now," Dawn said. "If he goes through with what he's planning, I'll never forgive you."

Buffy didn't respond as she went to find Willow. She didn't need to. She'd never forgive herself either.

*** *** ***

William lay on a hotel bed, staring up at the ceiling. He hadn't wanted to stop—definitely hadn't wanted to stay in a hotel—but he had to. His human body got worn out too easily. He needed rest.

As tired as he was, he still couldn't sleep. Part of him was questioning the plans he'd made. He was taking the coward's way out, giving up before he even tried. But he didn't care. He'd told Buffy once that he'd come to redefine pain and suffering since he'd fallen in love with her, and that had never felt more true to him that it did right then. Ever since the chip, he'd changed, slowly becoming the pathetic shell he was now. If he could just go back, be what he was before he ever came to Sunnydale, then maybe it could all stop hurting…

William sat up abruptly when he heard a knock at his door. It was late, and he doubted it could be anything good, but he didn't care. Maybe whoever it was would just shoot him and end his torment. William blinked when he saw Buffy standing there.

"Can I come in?" Buffy asked.

William gave her a half smile. "Isn't that my line? Or it used to be at least… Yeah, come in."

Buffy stepped into the hotel room, and William shut and locked the door behind her. "I talked to Dawn," Buffy said.

"So what, you've come to try to talk me out of it to clear your conscience?"

"No. I've come to talk you out of it because I don't want you to do it."

"It's not your decision to make, Slayer."

"Don't you realize what you're doing? If Drusilla sires you again, you'll loose your soul. You worked so hard to get it…"

"Yeah, and a bloody lot of good it did me, too."

"Please," Buffy begged. "You've worked so hard to get to this point, defied your own nature and the odds to go from one of the most feared vampires in history to one of the most wonderful men I've ever known. Don't do this. Don't give up like this."

"Why shouldn't I?" William asked. "What does life have to offer me?"

"Love."

"What?"

Buffy took a deep breath. "I love you, William."

"No…no you don't…" William started to walk away.

Buffy grabbed him by the arms. "Yes, I do. Look at me. I love you. I meant it in the Hellmouth, and I mean it now. I love you. I love you so much…"

William looked at her, his eyes wide and tear-filled. Buffy felt her heart clench. "How can you love this, Buffy?"

"I just do. I tried to ignore this, tried not to accept how whole you made me feel, but I can't anymore. You were my soulmate before you even had a soul."

William let out a choked sob. He crumpled to his knees, and Buffy followed him down, holding him and murmuring soft words as she stroked the curls in his hair. "I'm sorry," William said after a while. "For…for what I was going to do."

Buffy pressed her lips softly against his temple. "It's okay. It's my fault for…for treating you the way I did. Come on. You need to rest."

William nodded, letting Buffy lead him to the bed. They slipped under the covers and into each other's arms, William holding her as if he was afraid she'd fade away.

Buffy smiled at his whispered "I love you, too," before drifting off to sleep.

*** *** ***

Buffy woke up wrapped in William's arms. He was awake, looking at her, apprehension in his eyes. "Good morning," Buffy said softly.

"Good morning."

"Are you wondering if I'm going to run off?"

"A little…" William said with a timid smile.

"You're not getting off that easily, mister," Buffy replied, moving closer to him. William let out a deep breath and kissed the top of her head.

"I was a little afraid you wouldn't be here when I woke up—that last night was just a dream."

"I'm here."

"I know. I can feel you. It's, well, bloody wonderful is what it is."

"Yes it is." Buffy was silent for a moment before saying quietly, "I missed you. All these years when we were apart, I missed you."

William almost pointed out that it was her fault for sending him away in the first place, but he bit his tongue. He wanted to leave his past with Buffy there, in the past. She loved him, and he was human. They could make a future. "I missed you, too, pet. I never felt deader than I did without you."

Buffy looked startled for a second before she began to cry. William frowned. "I'm sorry, Buffy. I didn't mean to make you cry. I…"

"No, I'm sorry," Buffy replied. "Yesterday, when Willow was trying to find you, I just kept going through all the things I'd done to you in the past, and I felt so guilty. You were the one who didn't have a soul, and I was the one who acted like a monster."

"I wasn't exactly a saint, pet. I did some fairly awful things to you as well."

"I drove you to them."

"No, you didn't. Besides, you were right—I was just an evil, soulless thing."

"No, I wasn't. And you weren't." Buffy noticed at some point during their conversation, William's gaze had wandered away from her face. "William, look at me. Please." William looked up hesitantly, his eyes holding the same uncertainty that seemed to have taken up permanent residence since he'd been made human. "You weren't just a thing. I…I wanted you to be, but you weren't."

"You wanted me to be?"

"Yes. The things you did, like protecting Dawn, and the way you loved me, I knew it had nothing to do with the chip, and part of me resented you for it, for being stronger than the demon inside you."

"Why?"

"Angel."

William stiffened at the mention of his grandsire. "What about the great poofter?"

"I…I used to wonder why if you could love me without a soul, why couldn't he? Even after you could hurt me without the chip going off, you didn't—not really. As soon as Angel lost his soul, Angelus came right for me, tormenting me, hurting everyone I cared about."

"I'm not like him, Buffy. I never have been. He was a git when he was human, and he's a git now."

"It's just, well, sometimes it felt like if you could love me with or without a soul, then maybe it meant that Angel never really loved me at all."

"Maybe he didn't."

Buffy looked at him in surprise. "What?"

"Look, I'm sure he loves you in his special Angel way, but, well, he's not exactly one for realism. He put you on a pedestal, made you into the ultimate reward for him once he'd managed to earn redemption, or some such rot. He loved the idea of you, the fairytale of the Slayer and the vampire with a soul. He never let himself really know you enough to love the real Buffy. He didn't know every part of you, pet—the dark along with the light. I did. I do. I love you all the more for it. And not some idealized sort of love either. What I feel for you is real. It's raw, and sometimes it stings a bit, but it's real. And that's why it could never go away. It's beyond fairytales and dreams of redemption. It's beyond having a soul or not. It's real."

Buffy stared at him, not sure what to say. "Angel…Angel loved me," she said after a moment.

"He loved the idea of you."

"There was more to it than that. You don't know what you're talking about."

William pulled back. "And what, Angel left you because he loved you?"

"Yes! He didn't want to hold me back. And the curse…"

"Bollocks! Angel left because if he could love you from afar, then he never had to love the real you. He could keep an image of you in his mind and just love that without any of the messy entanglements that come from a real relationship. You were unattainable. Made you safe for him to love. And then when you got too hard to be around, he put some distance between you so you'd keep being a safe bet."

"You don't have to belittle what I had with Angel out of jealousy or something."

"I'm not! Just stating what I thought was the obvious. But yes, I am jealous of Angel, jealous of how no matter what he does, you'll always defend him. Jealous of how even when he rips your heart out and tosses it at your feet, you look at him like he hung the bloody moon! I gave you everything I had, and you threw it back in my face. He breaks your heart a thousand times, and you just hand it back to him and ask for more."

"That is not true. Look, can't we just talk about something else?"

"Fine. We should head back anyway." William got up.

"We don't have to run off just yet," Buffy said. "We could spend some time here together."

William found his shoes, sat down on the bed, and started to pull them on. "I'm not in the mood."

Buffy scooted over so she was sitting behind him, wrapping her arms around his shoulder. "William, I'm sorry we started this morning off wrong. I don't want to fight with you, especially over this. Angel and I, we're the past. Whatever it was, it's not important anymore. You're who I want to be with, okay?"

"So if Angel walked through that door right now suddenly all curseless and wanting you, you wouldn't jump at the chance?"

"No! God, how could you ask that? Do you think I'd be here with you now if Angel was who I really wanted? I love you now. What I had with him is long over."

William turned around. "Buffy, I'm…"

Buffy got off the bed. "I want to go home now."

"Fine. Let's go."

The two of them walked out of the hotel, each getting into their separate cars and driving away.

*** *** ***

William was waiting for Buffy by her front door when she got home. He looked at her, his blond-tipped curls falling in front of expressive blue eyes. "I'm sorry, pet," he said softly. "I don't want to fight with you. Can…can we forget about that back at the hotel? Please? I just got you back. I don't want to lose you now."

Buffy wrapped her arms around him, resting her head against his chest. She felt William immediately return the embrace, his hold on her almost crushing. "You're not going to lose me. I've spent enough of my life without you."

"I love you, Buffy," he said, kissing the top of her head. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too." After a moment, Buffy pulled away. "Come on, let's go in."

William nodded and followed her inside.

*** *** ***

Sorry for the huge gap in updates—again. I had a really hard time with this chapter. Please review and let me know what you thought!





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