With her arms wrapped around herself she walked towards the exit, listening to the other students chattering, listening without hearing. Next class would start in ten minutes. Not even considering attending it she turned around and headed for the doors while Giles’ words replayed over and over in her head.
Maybe she could just pull herself together and do it. But then came the problem that she literally couldn’t do it; Spike was a better fighter than she was. When they had sparred last time he had been almost toying with her, and she doubted she’d improved much in just a couple of weeks. Really, what spoke against Spike not taking her down instead, except the whole ‘needing a Slayer for my revenge’-thing. If the two of them got into a life or death struggle she was pretty sure he wouldn’t spare her. Buffy was just about to open the doors when she heard a shout behind her.
“Buffy, wait up!”
Looking over her shoulder Buffy saw Alex hurrying after her. As the girl reached her she attempted a real smile, holding the door open.
“Whoa,” Alex said, arching an eyebrow, “Did your dog die?”
The smile failed then. Buffy sighed, motioning the brunette through the doorway before she herself followed.
“I can’t fool you, can I?” Buffy said.
“So your dog did die?”
A picture went up in her head of Spike wearing a pink collar with metal studs. Her mind must be running on overtime. Either that or she was going crazy.
“No,” she said, “I don’t have a dog. Not sure I even like them.”
A short pause and then Alex’s features suddenly lit up. “So it’s your cat which died then!”
That cracked a real smile and giggling Buffy smacked the girl lightly on the arm. “You’re so silly!”
“Got you laughing, didn’t I?” Alex’s eyes twinkled.
Buffy rolled her eyes and the brunette smile grew wider for a couple of seconds, before her expression abruptly turned serious.
“But something’s happened, hasn’t it?” Alex asked. “Do you want to talk about it?”
All of sudden Buffy wanted nothing more than to share with the other girl, if only to have some comfort and an ‘I’m sure you’ll figure out what to do’-speech. She pressed her lips tightly together for a moment.
“Giles… he and I are pretty close,” she said, before hastily adding; “but not in a gross sort of way.”
A low chuckle. “Yeah, I know, it seems like you talk to him a lot.”
“I do, or… I did. Anyhow, I have this… friend that Giles really doesn’t approve of. For a while we… sneaked around I guess, but some stuff happened and Giles found out.”
Even if she couldn’t go into details, just talking about it made it feel like a small burden was lifted off her shoulders.
“What kind of stuff?” Alex asked, the look on her face completely neutral.
“I… he, my friend I mean, told me about some stuff he’d done and it was bad. Like way, way bad… dark. I feel like, he fooled me, like he pretended to be someone he wasn’t.” Buffy slowly blinked. “But it was probably really me putting him in a role he… he couldn’t play.”
It was the truth, she realized. Spike had never really hidden who or what he was. She remembered the night he’d spoken to her about his past, the rawness of it; no beautifying, no trying to make it seem less dark or dirty for her sake.
“So Giles found out about this guy’s past too?” Alex asked.
“He kind of already knew,” Buffy said. “That’s why he didn’t want me to become friends with the guy from the beginning.”
“I see.” Alex turned to look at her. “Has he, this guy I mean, ever hurt you?”
“Not… not deliberately I think.”
Slowly a small, sad smile spread across Alex’s lips.
“The way I see it,” she said, “we all have pasts we can’t change. All of us have done things we regret and can’t do anything about it.” The smile seemed to turn ironic for the flash of a second before the brunette continued, “Sometimes I think that as… as long as we try to do better, the past doesn’t really matter. As long as we try to do something good of the future.”
Spike blinked.
The Slayer was climbing out of the window, and he hadn’t even had time to throw a pebble at it. In fact he was still standing in the shadows; there was no way she could’ve seen him.
He blinked anew.
The girl had landed on the ground, now glancing from side to side once as she twirled a stake in her hand. For a second he almost thought she’d seen him, but then she swung around and started for, he supposed, the cemeteries. By herself. Without the Watcher.
He had seriously considered approaching her on patrol since she’d started going out again a couple of days ago, but the older man had been with her every night.
But now, here she suddenly was, all alone in the dark. A slow grin spread across Spike’s lips and he took a step forward.
A frown marred his features as he followed her. Not that he hadn’t been right; she was heading for the cemeteries, but because she was acting strange. He would’ve expected her to be uptight, glancing around, heart pounding. After all, this had to be her first official patrol alone. Instead she staked two fledglings almost absently; going through the motions. She would get herself killed in no time at this rate.
About fifteen minutes had passed when the girl came to a sudden halt.
“Are you planning on following me all night?”
Spike flinched before sheepishly stepping out from behind the crypt.
“I don’t wanna talk to you, Spike,” she said, and in a way as if her whole body strained against it, turned towards him. He stepped forward again and then stopped abruptly when she backed. He waited for her to say something, only to start counting the seconds that ticked by.
One-thousand-thousand.
Two-thousand-thousand.
Her hand flexed around the stake.
Five-thousand-thousand.
She drew in a trembling breath, her hand rose slightly, only to drop again.
Nine-thousand-thousand.
“I don’t think I can do it.”
He stopped counting. “What?”
Another long moment of staring passed, but it was like she stared without really looking. Her eyes were empty.
“Kill you.”
As soon as the words left her mouth she clamped it shut, eyes wide. Spike slowly tilted his head to the side. For a moment he was quiet before giving a lopsided smile without feeling.
“So you and the Watcher aren’t new best friends then?” he asked, a strange feeling of amused bitterness filling him.
She mumbled something that sounded like a protest but put the stake into the pocket of her jacket.
He gave a small chuckle. “Well, you’ve patrolled a lot with him lately.”
“My usual patrol partner turned out to be…” She hastily shook her head. “You’re missing the point!”
“What point?” He arched an eyebrow. “That you’re gonna kill me?” He couldn’t help but snort.
Her eyes narrowed. “I could take you any day.”
His other eyebrow rose as well and her shoulders slumped. “Right, so I couldn’t,” she said, “But I’d give you a fair match!”
“Sure you would.”
“I would!”
“Oh, come on, love, how many times have we sparred?”
Something flickered in her eyes. “Um… three times maybe? I dunno.”
He was just about to answer that when she raised a hand. “Yeah, yeah, you’ve won every time… but you cheat!”
“Do not.”
“Argh! You –“ Closing her eyes she drew in a deep breath before opening them again. “We’re having an important conversation here!”
“About what? You not killing me?”
“Yes! No.”
“No? So what are we talking about?”
“You’re driving me crazy!”
“We’re talking about me driving you crazy?” He couldn’t keep a small grin from stretching his lips.
For a moment she went back to just staring at him and then she started to laugh. Doubled over with both arms clasped across her stomach, the laugh soon turned hysterical. Spike took a step forward, all his amusement melting away.
Slowly the girl slid to the ground. He saw the first tear escape her eye as she drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them.
“I don’t know what to do,” she whispered, “Mom won’t stop worrying, Giles is waiting for some kind of miracle… me just standing up and fixing myself. This mind-thing won’t ever disappear, you won’t disappear… him…”
He noted what she said about the ‘mind-thing’, but what had him startle was her last word. “You haven’t seen Angelus, have you?”
She shook her head, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. “No, no.” A crooked smile spread over her lips. “I’m just waiting for the day he’ll show up and finally finish me off.”
Next second he was crunched down before her, gripping her shoulders tightly. “Listen to me, you silly girl,” he said, voice tight with anger as he shook her, once, twice. “Angelus won’t ever ‘finish you off’. You’ll get better, hell, you’ve already got better. I still remember the girl who flinched at the sound of my voice.” His grip eased a little as he watched her lowered head. “For the rest… of course your mum worries; it’s what mothers do. And your bloody Watcher knows better than to expect you to suddenly take on the world, otherwise he wouldn’t have gone with you on patrol every single night for the last week.”
Slowly she raised her head and he was met by wet, red eyes. “What about the mind-thing?” she whispered. “How can we fix that?”
He cupped her cheek. “We’ll figure something out, love, it’s what you white hats do,” he said, then paused, “Of course, it’d be easier if you told me what’s happened.”
She giggled a little and he offered a half grin. The giggles quickly died though and she closed her eyes, drawing in a deep breath before opening them again.
“Thank you,” she whispered, meeting his gaze a moment before it dropped to her knees. “I’m sorry… you always seem to be around for my breakdowns.”
He just shrugged and pulled back.
The girl ran both hands through her hair, trying to smooth it out when it wasn’t really tousled at all. Not that he’d tell her that. It was too much fun seeing that little wrinkle form between her eyebrows as she tried to fix it. Before long though, she gave up with a sigh and crossed her arms over her chest.
“So, when will our mind-chatting start over again?” Spike asked, carefully making himself sound casual.
“Right,” she said, straightening her shoulders. “We’ll keep gaining new memories, so we’ll keep sharing them. Giles doesn’t even know how much of out memories we’ve shared so far.”
He flinched. “Yeah, about that…”
An absolute silence filled the air for a long minute, save for her thundering heart.
“I can’t say it doesn’t matter,” she said quietly. “When I think about what you’ve done… parts of it… it makes me sick.” When he opened his mouth to speak she raised a hand. “But it’s in the past and you can’t change it. And– you’ve never really hurt me, or threatened me.”
“Are you saying…?”
“I’ll help you kill them. After we’ve solved the mind-stuff –” She swallowed hard. “– I’ll help you. But you have to stop killing.”
“One step ahead of you.” He smirked even as relief flooded him.
“Huh?”
“Figured I’d stop killing to try and make you talk to me again,” he admitted. “Get on your good side.”
“Promise me.” she said. “Promise me you won’t kill another human until…” …this is over…
He was struck by how young she was, how naïve. Before they’d shared memories, she probably hadn’t even thought about the people he’d killed just since he’d come to town. He could promise now, still go out and hunt and she’d never know a thing. The only thing stopping him…
Suddenly she was a lot closer, her eyes, without innocence, inches from his. Her breath was hot against his face.
He walked her home.
TBC