The first time? Fuck, he'd been home for about three weeks. Hadn't started talking yet, least not to Darla or I. I think he and Dru had their own way to communicate, she seemed to understand him more than any of us. I was out to get a drink, and it was late, and I hear Dru. She's crying, she'd been crying a lot lately, but this didn't sound like her normal crying. It was the kind of sounds she used to make before she was in therapy, the kinds she made right after her parents died and she went a little crazy.
I knock on the door and nothing happens. She's still crying. I ask for Spike and the crying gets louder. I didn't know what to do, who would know. I mean, I knew Dru before, and I helped take care of her after, but I never got any better with the whole thing, I never knew what to do. That was what Spike was for.
Darla and I just stood back and let him do whatever he did, because when he was around she was calm. But he hadn't been around, and he wasn't really around anymore even when he was there.
This isn't important though, you want to know what happened. I don't really know, Dru won't say a damn word about it, and he's just as tight lipped. All I know is that when she wouldn't answer me, I pushed open the door and I saw her huddled in the corner. I looked around for Spike and I saw the bathroom door was open.
There was just so much fucking blood. I stood there with Dru going insane behind me and Spike staring, just fucking staring at nothing. I couldn't move. If Darla hadn't...
I can't fucking think about it.
***
"Giles! Come on in."
"Thank you Darla, how are things?"
Darla turned and walked into the kitchen motioning for her uncle to follow. He looked around the sunny room and wondered what his son thought about when he was in there. Surely such a happy space would have some kind of affect on him, somehow he didn't really believe it.
"William's up, I heard he and Dru earlier. He should be down any minute. Angel's not here of he'd be down to say hello."
"How is Angel?"
"Same as always, working hard."
They were quiet for a moment, both understanding the unspoken pain between them. Angel had blamed himself partially for Spike's disappearance and he'd been working non-stop to either forget or make up for whatever slight he understood himself to have committed.
Truth was, everyone felt guilty for one reason or another. Dru for letting him leave, Giles for not looking hard enough, Darla for telling Angel not to go looking for him when he'd left, determined to let him sulk alone, and Angel for listening to her.
There was no way any of them could have known he'd be preyed upon at that bar. No way to know this little tantrum would end any differently than the rest of them.
It felt like there was however, and no one took it as hard and Angel and Dru. The fact that Dru was already unstable lead the others to question whether or not letting Spike and Dru remain in such closed quarters was a good idea. They fed off of each other's emotions, and they couldn't help but allow for unhealthy habits to persist, but everyone had agreed that separating them would probably be more detrimental than leaving them together.
Giles removed his glasses and cleaned them slowly, trying to stop thinking too hard about things that couldn't be helped. He hoped that a visit to a new and well-recommended doctor would help William, but he could only do so cautiously.
Darla moved next to him and put a hand over his.
"He's going to be ok."
Giles didn't look convinced. "Do you really think it will ever be possible?"
"To get him back completely? I don't... I think the Spike we knew, I think he's gone. But people are constantly changing, what makes him your son, the things that made him the man you knew, I think they'll always be there. They just may take on different forms."
"How can he be the same son I raised?"
Darla was quiet for a minute then looked over as Drusilla came into the kitchen. She pulled an apple from the bowl of fruit and smiled at Giles before kissing his cheek and walking back to her bedroom.
"Remember what she was like before? Remember how different she was?" Giles nodded slowly. "She's still her though, she's still the same Dru we knew, just a little more fragile, a little more afraid, but she's brave, and so is Spike, he'll get through this."
"I'm so happy he has you. I've never been a perfect father, and his mother..." Giles still shook with anger thinking about the woman who had abandoned her son so callously. "You've helped him all his life, and I'm glad you're here to keep them all together and safe."
Darla nodded but couldn't think of anything to say so she squeezed his hand and moved away to pour herself some coffee.
Spike chose that moment to come down the stairs and stand silently in the doorway of the kitchen.
Giles stood and smiled weakly. "Are you ready, son?"
Spike looked as if he would reach for a cup of coffee but changed his mind and nodded. Giles wanted to reach for his child to guide him to the car, any contact to reassure himself that his son was here and eventually would be ok, but he knew that was impossible. Spike shied away from the touch of any person but Drusilla. Giles couldn't alarm his son just to comfort himself.
They walked to the car in silence and were halfway to the appointment before Spike finally spoke.
"Dad?"
Giles was startled more by the quality of Spike's voice than the noise in the silence. It was rough with disuse, and choked, like it was almost impossible to get it out. His heart ached to hear it.
"Yes?"
Spike was silent for a moment as he struggled to get his thoughts in order, then tried to force them past his lips. Before... everything, he'd been more than candid with his father regarding everything from work to sex to his struggles with Drusilla's sanity. Now he had a hard time answering 'how are you feeling today?'.
He wanted reassurance, he wanted love. He wanted to know that he would get better, that he would be able to touch Dru like he used to, love her like he used to. He just wanted to hear his father's voice.
But he couldn't ask for any of it.
"Never mind."
Giles clenched the steering wheel tighter and fought back the tears he hadn’t yet cried for his son.
***
If I think too hard about it all I’ll break. I won’t be able to take care of Dru, I won’t be able to help Angel get through this, and Spike... Every single time it’s happened, I’m the one... I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t. Dru can’t help him, she may even see him starting to get out the knife and she just can’t do a damn thing about it.
I’ve always got to be there because he may seem to be having a good day, he may seem content and at peace. Then, all of a sudden, he’ll walk back into his room and twenty minutes later Dru is hysterical and Angel is frozen and I’m taking an unconscious and bleeding Spike to the hospital.
I used to have to take him to the hospital when he broke his leg, or hit his head riding his bike when he was a kid. Remembering watching William get his knee stitched up while he tried not to cry at eleven makes it too hard to watch him sit staring blankly while they bandage his arms now.
I can’t take care of all of them, I’m not a mother, I’m not a terribly good person. The biggest part of me wants to just take Angel and run, but there’s a little part that keeps me here. That part is fading fast.
***
Buffy stood when she heard the front door to her offices open. She could hear Dawn dealing with all the technicalities and trying to make them comfortable.
She hadn’t been this nervous about a patient since her first few. Of course, she hadn’t dealt with anyone as potentially damaged as William was. She’d certainly never encountered a patient that had been abducted.
Buffy took a deep breath and relaxed, being as out of control emotionally as the patient was the worst way to start this. She put all the images of his mutilated body out of her mind, she refused to acknowledge the instinct to nurture him, she remembered her textbooks and her professors and the reason she was here in the first place.
The door cracked open and Dawn peeked inside. “Ready?”
Buffy smiled slightly and nodded. “As I’ll ever be.”
“I’ll send him in.”
She had only seconds to wait before William Giles stepped into her office and stood awkwardly at the door. She stood and walked closer to him, slowly as to avoid frightening him.
“William?”
He looked up sharply, seemingly shocked by the use of his name then looked down quickly. “’S Spike.”
“Sorry?”
He cleared his throat and fidgeted a bit. Buffy noted silently all of his responses trying to get a clear picture of his mental state.
“My name, Spike.”
“Ahh, ok, I’ll have to remember that. Want to tell me how you got it?”
He shrugged. “Work.. I was a lawyer... just a stupid nickname.”
Buffy nodded and gestured for him to sit. He did and she moved across from him. She thought about picking up her notepad, but decided against it. He was extra skittish and she didn’t think he’d take too kindly to her writing down something after every word. His previous doctor had done it, and it seemed to agitate him.
That man’s apparent attitude toward William, or Spike rather, probably didn’t help.
“Ok, Spike, why don’t we start with something easy. Tell me why you’re here.”
He ran a hand through his hair and she noticed that though once it had been bleached near white, it had grown out and he hadn’t bothered to touch it up. His hands shook almost constantly, one of them held a cigarette that he twirled through his fingers but never attempted to light. His eyes were empty of emotion most of the time, only when startled did he seem animated. He seemed to touch his right upper arm a good deal, and he rubbed his left wrist almost as much. He rarely lifted his head and he kept himself hunched over.
Buffy realized this was going to be a long road.
“I need help." He didn't sound convinced, and she told him so. Spike just shrugged.
"Do you want to be here?"
He was silent for a moment, then he began to speak, though it was stilted and seemed to pain him.
"Sometimes. For Dru. Mostly, I don't care."
"Spike, this will take a while. It will take longer if you fight it. I'm not the guy you were with before, I'm not here to decide that you deserved to be taken. No one deserves what happened to you. I want you to be able to go back to work, to be able to have a good relationship with Drusilla, to be able to take care of yourself confidently. I can't do that if you don't want it to happen."
He looked up and she saw that her words had a some effect, even if he wasn't completely open to her yet.
"Spike, do you believe me?"
"Yeah. . . I believe you."
***
After the first attempt on his life . . . Angel came to me. He wondered if maybe I should take William in, I'm his father after all. I wasn't so convinced. We decided it would be a good idea to leave him at home with Drusilla, he seemed truly terrified at the prospect of being separated from her, but I would be coming 'round as often as I could.
We sat one day, outside in the sun. He was smoking and reading, and I was half-reading half-watching him. He seemed so at peace for the first time in a while. He stood after a while and touched my hand, and I remember being so shocked that I couldn't react until he was gone.
I sat for a moment and then I remembered something Darla had told me. Something about William getting too calm. I was bloody terrified and I ran as fast as I could, when I got there Drusilla was next to him, rocking and muttering to herself and he was slicing his arms open.
He didn't speak for a week. He still hasn't smiled.
***
Buffy showed Spike and Giles to the door and set up a schedule for their sessions together. Spike hadn't said much, but when he did speak she could hear some confidence he hadn't entered her office with returning.
Buffy felt connected to Spike more than her other patients. She could not only hear and see his pain written so clearly on his face, but feel it in herself. She wanted to help him more than she'd wished to help any other patient before. It wasn't just the challenge, although that did add a certain appeal, it was him.
There was a man in there with a life that he needed to get back to. A man that had once been successful and full of love. She was determined to bring him out.
Spike left Buffy's office with more hope than he'd had since before he'd come home. He'd forgotten what hope was like to have. It was warm in his chest. Warmth that was seeping out all over his body and he thought that as soon as he came home he would hold Dru and really mean it when he said he'd never leave.
He didn't want to leave so much anymore. He didn't want Dru to be alone, and he didn't want his father to feel like he'd failed. He didn't want to hurt Darla, he didn't want Angel...
He wrist burned a little and he rubbed it. His scars did that sometimes. If he thought too hard about things, if he tried to hard to remember or force out some emotion that wouldn't come. Usually it was just the ones on his arms, but sometimes his chest and back, those were the most painful.
When he woke up from nightmares in a cold sweat screaming for Dru to help him, those burned at such an intensity he expected to see blood pouring from them again, expected to see the blade.
Them.
He shook his head and thought back to Ms. Summers. She was so willing to help him, willing to look at him without pity or disgust. He missed clear eyes seeing him as he was, as the man he could be if he could manage to forget.
She would help him, she would be there for him. She would chase away his demons with her calm eyes and her determination. He'd be forever in her debt but that was far better than what he was currently reduced to.
She'd given him hope, no one had ever done so much for him.
***
When he wakes up he calls for me. He wants me to save him. My dear sweet boy, he believes I could do it. I'm just as lost as he is, more sometimes. Without him to help me I don't know what will happen.
When I think about who he'll be calling for soon, I can't bear it.
But she'll give him what he needs. I'm too lost to find it for him.