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Author's Chapter Notes:
Hope I handled this okay. I wasn't sure if I liked it or not. The angst is almost over, I promise. Please review!
Chapter 29: The Harsh Light of Day

Sunlight streamed down upon her through the uncovered windows of each wall, lighting up her pretty face as she slept peacefully. The thin cot held her weight nicely, and her nude form was wrapped up in blankets that covered all important parts, while left others free to soak up the sun’s rays keenly. Her long blonde hair was swept wildly about the old pillows lining crown of the cot, her arm folded back under her head, while the other lay draped across her side, holding the blanket high enough on her to reach just below her collarbone. Her face was relaxed, her eyelids slack and unfastened, while her lips were pursed gently, as if she were dreaming about a deep kiss from some romance novel scene.

She was beautiful.

He stood there, watching her sleep, knowing she would be waking soon after, and their little fantasy would soon be broken. The sunlight was sure to draw her ever so slowly from sleep, and once her beautiful hazel eyes opened again, it would end. The little daydream he’d built around them last night would shatter and the day would begin again.

He had half a notion to quickly find something to cover every window in the room, as to keep her from waking, and keep his desire a reality. But even as the thought entered his mind, she began to stir. Her eyelids fluttered softly, her long lashes sweeping across the bottoms of her eyes. She moved around some, a failed attempt to let herself be drawn back into the dreamy state she had been in moments before. After a few tries, she gave up, and let he lids finally open.

“Spike?” She asked, rolling over, expecting to find him still asleep beside her. She frowned when she didn’t.

“I’m here.” He called, his voice raspy, as he stared down at her from his view point in front of the cot.

Her head snapped up in the direction of his voice immediately, and she frowned again when she noticed that he was already dressed. “What’re you doin’?”

“Watching you.”

His voice was but a whisper in the quit room, and it seemed to almost echo off of the bare walls surrounding them.

“Why’re you dressed?” Buffy questioned, still not understanding. She rolled over onto her back, pulling herself up into an almost sitting position. He left arm caught hold of the blanket before it had a chance to fall, clutching it to her tiny body.

“I’m leaving.” His reply was simply, direct, straight to the point, and it pissed her off.

She sat up fully like lightning, her bright eyes narrowing suspiciously, burning fiercely.

“You prick.” She whispered. There was no venom in her voice, just disbelief.

Spike sighed heavily. He reached up to run a shaky ran through his tousled locks, wishing he knew how to fix everything. “Buffy…”

“Don’t you dare try to explain last night away, Spike. I’ve never done a thing to deserve one of your easy let downs.” She said, eyes leaving his to dart around the room in search of her clothes, before she remembered she wasn’t wearing much when she arrive there last night.

“It’s not an easy let down, Buffy.” He told her, stepping toward the cot, looking everywhere but at her.

“What would you call it, Spike?” She countered, wishing she had something-anything-to chuck at his annoying little head right then.

“It’s not-” He begin, but she wasn’t finished yet. And dammit, she wanted to finish.

“You were gonna sneak off before I woke up!” She yelled, moving to stand up, still holding the blanket tightly to her chest, feeling she might need some protection for her heart.

“I wasn’t.” He tried, his voice breathy and needy, his beautiful blue eyes searching hers for some small ounce of understanding.

“Don’t lie to me!”

“I’m not lying, Buffy.” He told her. “I most certainly was not bloody walkin’ out before you woke up! I was just…thinking, is all.”

“You need clothes on to think?” She wondered.

“As opposed to lying in bed naked with you?” He questioned. “I most definitely do need clothes to bloody think straight.”

She would’ve smiled in flattery if she wasn’t so angry at him.

“You can’t sweet talk your way outta this one, Spike.” She informed him seriously.

“That’s not what I’m doin’!” He yelled, frustrated, throwing his arms up in the air in aggravation. “Jesus, Buffy, would you quit accusing me of things?!”

“What the hell am I supposed to think after I wake up alone in a bed while the man I slept with last night is fully dressed and ready to bolt from the room?”

“I’m not gunna bolt!”

Silence engulfed the room again, and both sets of eyes avoided each other at all costs.

The both took a few steps toward the other and soon they were almost face to face.

Finally, “Look we need to talk about last night.”

“Ya think?” Buffy quipped, still angry.

“Nobody likes a smartass, luv.” Spike countered in all seriousness.

“Fuck you!”

Spike had no idea what possessed him to say the words, but he regretted them as they passed his lips.

“Already did, pet.” And she smacked him across the face. Hard.

His head wiped back violently and he instinctively grabbed at the run, burning flesh in her hand’s wake, holding it as he looked back to her with a pained expression on his face. But not from the slap.

She saw the look he sent her, and knew that he was trying to apologize with his eyes. She looked away, not accepting his apology. Rummaging through the things thrown about in the room, she tried to find what little clothes she had possessed last night before their coupling. Finding her black thong, she quickly pulled it on, before snapping her bra back into place.

She searched still for something else to put on, nothing liking the idea of making the same trip back to the house in her underwear-this time in the board daylight. Spike watched her in silence for a few more seconds before grabbing the set of sweats from a nearby box of stage costumes and holding them out to her.

“Here.” He said softly.

She took the offered garments thankfully and threw them on quickly, not bothering to look him in the eye. Once fully dressed, she stood up straight and went to walk past him and out the door. He caught her by the arm, and spun her back around her face him.

“Buffy, stop.”

“Leave me alone, Spike. Please.” She said, ripping her arm from his grasp.

“I can’t.”

“Oh? And why’s that?” She asked, the venom dripping from her words.

“You know why.” He told her, meeting her eyes dead on, trying to tell her how much she meant to him with just a single look.

“No, actually I don’t.” She declared, going to back away. “But the suspense is killing me, so why don’t you fill me in.”

He grabbed her arms again to keep her from turning and walking out the door. “Buffy, you know I-”

He stopped, unable to get the words out.

Teas pricked at the backs of her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. she wasn’t gonna cry in front of him.

“If you can’t even say it-” She uttered, trying to pull away from him.

“I can say it.” He informed her, not letting up, or breaking the connection with his eyes. “I’m not allowed to say it.”

She laughed bitterly. “Are you insane?! What the hell is wrong with you?”

He said nothing, knowing she wasn’t gonna stop there.

“Are you even gonna tell, Cordelia?” She wondered.

“I don’t know, Buffy.” He whispered, feeling lost, helpless. He was so close to tears himself it wasn’t even funny.

She laughed again, the tears finally starting to escape her eyes. He flinched at them.

“Don’t cry.” He whispered, bringing her closer. “Please don’t cry, Baby.”

“Shut up!” She said, pulling back from him embrace. She looked away, then quickly looked back to meet his eyes again. “You need to decide what it is that you want, Spike.”

“I made a commitment, Buffy. I can’t just walk away from it.” He pleaded with her to understand.

“And don’t you think that commitment is shot to hell after last night?” She inquired, clearly not liking his response.

“I don’t know. But I need to find out.” He said, his voice raspy. “Please understand. Please.”

He was begging now, and he knew it.

“Understand? Understand!?” She yelled, pulling completely out of his grasp. “So you make love to me, then you go home to your wife?!”

“Buffy, please-”

“So when did you decide to become a committed fiancé, Spike? After the first time or the fourth?” She asked furiously.

Spike was angry now. He was doing the best he could. He didn’t actually know what he was doing, but he was trying. He didn’t want to hurt anybody, least of all Buffy. She was accusing thought, trying to put all the blame on him. But she was just as much to blame as he was for last night. She was there. She had the chance to stop anything from happening. She know that he was engaged, but she enjoyed just the same.

“Who says I wasn’t committed before?”

“Have you looked up the word lately?” She asked. “’Cause in the dictionary, you won’t find ‘fucking your ex up side a wall’.”

His eyes narrowed.

“That was bellow the belt, Buffy.” He warned.

“Oh, what, Spikey can’t take a bit of fair turnabout?” She taunted.

“You’re playin’ with fire, little girl.” He warned in a menacing tone.

“So burn me, you pussy.” She retorted, not at all intimidated but his warning. “Come on, give it to me! I know you want to.”

Spike slammed his fist into the door behind her, causing her to jump in surprise. He slowly closed in on her. They stared at each other for a moment, neither wanting to give. Finally Spike back off, giving room to leave if she wanted.

He knew he deserved every bit of her venomous words. He had strung her along for far too long. Not wanting to be the bad guy in either situation. Not wanting to break Cordy’s heart, but not wanting to give up on his love for Buffy. Jesus, he was such a prat.

"I never slept with Riley." She whispered softly, not looking at him. "I thought you should know."

He breathed deeply, running a hand through his hair. "I know that. On some level, I knew you wouldn't do that to me."

"You should have talked to me then." She told him, looking up at him angrily. "You didn't even bother to find out the whole story. You just gave up!"

The silence overwhelmed them both.

“You need to figure out what you want.” She told him harshly. “I won’t be waiting forever. Either way.”

Spike said nothing, but watched her as she left in silence. After he heard a few doors slam shut, he sighed heavily.

Spike already knew what he wanted. It just happened to be very different from what he was supposed to have. He needed to get out of there. He couldn’t breathe. He had to figure out what to do.

Either way, he needed to see Cordelia.





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