Chapter 30: Mending Broken Things
Cordelia’s head snapped to attention at the sound of knocking at the door to her penthouse. She had been busy trying to make the last few arrangements for the wedding. The wedding planners had advised her again and again that everything was in order, but she wouldn’t be satisfied until she checked everything herself. After giving up on trying to change the color of the flowers at the last minute, her uneasy mind had again wondered to the forbidden area.
Spike.
She had rolled every possibility around in her head a dozen times over, then two dozen more times for good measure, and had come to the inevitable conclusion that she knew she would reach if she had a moment’s pause to think about it.
She was in love with him.
Sure, she was mean and insensitive, rude and arrogant, but after everything, she was just so terrified of letting anyone in. And the fact that Spike, Spike, of all people was able to penetrate her thick ice field, just completely shook her to the core.
How had this happened?
Why would this happen?
Was it bad karma for everything that she’d every done in high school-hell, even now? The powers that be were finally stepping in and taking action to prevent the disastrous event that would be the marriage of Cordelia Chase and William Giles? They wanted to punish her for her wrongdoings.
So they made her fall in love with the one man she could never have. Sure, she was the bride, but Buffy was the woman she would never live up to.
Ever.
But she did love Spike. She honestly, truly did.
Which was exactly why she couldn’t marry him.
Opening the door, she was surprised to find the object of her thoughts standing before her, distraught and tousled. “Cordelia, we need to talk.”
~*~*~*~
Stepping into the house that once was considered her home, Buffy looked around slowly, shyly, as though she was positively sure that everyone in the house was exactly aware of what she had done last night.
The foyer and the main hallway were empty as usual, and Buffy breathed a sigh of relief. At least she didn’t have to worry about her dad seeing her like this. She was just a complete mess.
Tip toeing to the stairs, she was about to make her way to draw a hot bath and soak for a few hours, when a curious voice stopped her from the living room.
“Buffy, honey? Is that you?”
She turned around slowly, inwardly cringing. Why hadn’t she used the back door?
“Yeah, dad. It’s me.”
~*~*~*~
“About what?”
“Huh?”
“What do you want to talk about?” Cordelia repeated, concerned at seeing Spike so upset. He had been sitting in her living room for fifteen minutes now, and had yet to utter a word. He just sat there, hands on his knees, staring blankly at the richly carpeted floor.
“Oh, uh…” He trailed off, unsure, as he rose to his feet. He came to stand in front of her, trying to ready himself for the fallout.
“Cordy last night…” He began, before completely losing his nerve and looking away, laughing bitterly. “Christ, how the hell do I say this?”
“Well, for one, you could stop pacing and swearing like a sailor. You’re scaring me, Spike.” She told him, waiting nervously for him to finally get the words out. What was so bad as to make him utterly speechless? “Please, just say whatever it is you need to say!”
Drawing in a deep breathe, Spike tried again. Turning to face his fiancé, he looked her square in the eyes, and let the words spill forth.
“Last night, at the party…“ Here is comes… He thought sadly. “Last night I slept with Buffy.” He didn’t even finish the sentence when Cordelia’s hand connected with the side of his face.
His blonde head wiped back for a second time that day, and he waited for a moment, not wanting to look her in the eye and see that devastating look on her face. When he did turn back around, he felt his heavy heart sink in his chest. Fat crocodile tears were rolling fast down her cheeks. “You’re not-you didn’t-”
“Cor, pet…” He tried to reach for her, but she back away from him quickly.
“I knew that y-” She started, obviously very upset. She turned away from him and ran a hand through her long dark hair. She was trying so hard not to cry. “I knew that you and Buffy had-history, but I never- I mean, I trusted you.”
Spike looked down, deeply ashamed. “I know, Cordy. I know you did. I’m a complete prat. I never meant to do this-”
She held up her hand, abruptly stopping his inevitable long list of excuses. “Don’t. Please don’t start making up excuses.”
“I’ m not.” He said quietly.
“You’re not?” She asked in disbelief. Why wasn’t he making up excuses to help her, dammit?!
“No.” Spike told her seriously. “What I did…it’s inexcusable. There’s nothing I can say to make it better-”
“Got that right.” She muttered angrily.
“The way I feel about-about Buffy…” He began, running hand through his hair.
“You love her.” Cordelia observed, sighing loudly. “I already knew that.”
“Whataya mean, you knew?” Spike asked, incredulously.
“Spike, everybody knew. I’m not stupid. I knew what I was getting into when I said I’d marry you.” She told him seriously.
“But, then why did you?” Spike wondered aloud.
“Lot of reasons.” She told him, walking around him to take a sit on the expensive leather sofa. “Most of them not so noble on my part.”
“How so, pet?” Spike took a seat beside her, hands in his lap nervously.
“Well, at first it was because my parents wanted me to get married, so I could live up to their high expectations.” She told him, looking start ahead of her. “Later on it became about the prospect of winning. I just didn’t want Buffy to have you.”
Spike gave her a look.
“What?” She asked defensively. “I have some serious jealously issues where
Buffy’s concerned. She’s had the life I always wanted.”
“You’re serious?” Spike sounded unconvinced.
“I am, actually.” Cordy laughed, a sadness behind the smile. “She’s excepted, just as she is. No one’s ever tried to make her into something that she isn’t. No one’s ever tried to control her life. And she’s loved. No one’s ever cared for me like that before. No one’s ever loved me like that before.”
“Cor, pet, I’m sorry. I never meant for this to happen.” He told her honestly. “When I asked you to marry me, I meant it. I was willing to spend the rest of my life with you. I still am.”
Cordy smiled a watery smile before turning her head to look the other way. She seemed to be contemplating the issue deeply. A heavy sigh escaped her lips and she wiped at her red cheeks furiously “You know, I realized something during these past few days. It’s weird, in the midst of all this insanity, a couple of things are actually starting to make sense.”
Spike smiled.
She met his eyes again and let go of a breath she’d forgotten she’d been holding. “I love you.”
Spike sucked in a surprised breath. He quickly stood up, his shocked blue eyes never leaving hers. “You what?”
He was starting to get dizzy and he was short of breath. This had just confirmed his suspicions.
He was definitely going to hell.
“Spike?” Cordelia tried, and gulped when he didn’t answer her right away. She was sure she was gonna be responsible for sending this man into a state of catatonia at the rate she was going. “Spike say something!”
His eyes came back into focus and he breathed out slowly, reaching up to scratch at the back of his neck. “Why?”
“Huh?”
“Why do you love me? I’ve been so bad to you. I cheated on you last night Cordy, and you tell me you love?” He ranted starting to pace in front of her nervously, muttering things under his breath occasionally.
“Please, Spike. I was horrible to you.” She told him, and met his eye when he stopped pacing. “In high school, college…hell, even now! I’m a mean person, Spike. I deserve what I get.”
“Well, you didn’t bloody deserve this!” Spike shouted, throwing his hands up in the air. “I mean, what Scott did to you-”
“Fucked me up pretty bad.” Cordelia nodded, looking away, her chocolate brown eyes glistening with fresh tears. She hated to feel like this. Weak. She didn’t want to admit that what Scott had done to her had hurt her so much. Spike’s betrayal just brought all of the old feelings to the surface and she honestly felt like breaking down for the first time in her life.
“Never admitted it…even to myself. But it’s true. I thought I would die that day. I came off so hell bent and angry, but really I just felt like laying down and dying.” She wiped at the hot tears streaming down her face heatedly, sniffling softly. Her pretty face was sticky with tears, her eyes puffy and red from crying. Her cheeks were a deep red, and her lips were pursed together, no doubt trying to swallow the pain down like a little red pill.
“You were there, though.” She smiled through the tears, looking up at him thankfully. “So hurt and alone. Like me. We helped each other, Spike. We clung to each other when we both had nothing left to hold on to. It was solace…peace.”
“And now?” He asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.
“And now somehow I wake up one day and find myself in love with you.” She chuckled, closing her eyes for a brief moment. “But it’s not right. It isn’t meant to be.”
“We’re engaged.” He pointed out, lightly. He just wanted to make this right. He loved Buffy. Always had. But he needed to make things right with Cordy. He would be hurt to loose Buffy. Devastated. But he was such a prat. He deserved to feel that way.
Cordy looked down to the beautiful diamond on her lift hand. It wasn’t Spike’s mother’s ring, even though she’d asked for it when he proposed. He had bought her a new ring, telling her that he wanted to make a fresh start with her. She’d known the real reason though.
It belonged to Buffy only. Even if he wasn’t with her, it belonged to her.
She slipped the ring off of her finger gently, taking a moment to admire it’s radiance, before reaching for his hand and placing it in his open palm.
She smiled good-humorly up at him, tears still in her eyes. “Look at that. I’ve finally done somethin’ right.”
Spike sighed, holding the ring tightly in his grasp. Bending down to his knees, he kneeled in front of her. He gently took her arms in his hands, looking her in the eyes head on. “Cordy, if you still wanna do this, we will. I said I’d marry you and I will. Just say the word, pet.” He told her honestly.
She saw the sincerity in his eyes, and smiled. He was willing to marry her still even though he was in love with another woman, because he had promised her he would. He really is the pick of the litter, isn’t he? She thought, happily. But he wasn’t hers. He never was- Never would be.
She would have laughed at the absurdity of it all if she wasn’t so upset.
Then she shook her head softly. “No, I need to be on my own for a while. All this time I’ve just clung to whatever came along- Defined myself by the people I was with, or the clothes I wore. The truth is, I don’t know who I am. But I wanna find out.” She paused, grabbing his hands, and pulling them from their hold on her arms. “And I need to do this alone. I can’t be with anybody until I know me.”
Spike nodded, understanding. “I really am sorry. For last night. For everything.”
She smiled. “I know. So am I. I was hardly the perfect bride, but I did care.”
“Thank you… for loving me.” Spike said, holding her hands in his.
“Kinda hard not to.” She advised him. “You’re a great guy.”
He shook his head.
“I’m starting to think I don’t know myself anymore.” He confided in her quietly.
“Well, I know who you are.” She told him, holding the hands that held her own.
Spike looked curiously at her, wanting for her to explain.
“You’re the man who loves Buffy.”
Spike smiled, nodding after a moment. “I am. And I’m not gunna lie to ya, pet. I wanna be with ‘er. ‘T’s all I ever wanted. When I’m with her, I feel like the luckiest man on earth. Like I can be anything I want to be. Like I’m a better man.”
“You’re a good man, Spike.” She said the words like she really meant them.
“You think?” He breathed dis-heartedly.
“I’m Cordelia Chase, dumb ass. I don’t think. I know.” She smiled like her old, confident self again.
Spike laughed. “You really are a hell of a woman, Cordelia. I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed.”
She smiled, understanding.
“But don’t fret, Cor. Someday you’ll find who you’re supposed to be with. Those ponces before- Scott- they were nobodies. Bloody gits, they were.”
She laughed. “Hey, I’m well aware of my stellar history with guys, Spike. And no, I really don’t see fat grandbabies in my near future. But I don’t think that matters right now. It’s-”
She stopped, trying to figure out how to vocalize what she wanted to say. “Okay. I’m cookie dough.”
Spike raised an eyebrow at her.
She gave him a look. “Just bare with me here. I’m not finished baking. I’m not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I’m supposed to be. But I make it through this and the next thing, and the next, and maybe one day I’ll turn around and realize I’m ready. I’m cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to enjoy warm, delicious, cookie-me, then that’s fine. That’ll be then. When I’m done.”
Spike nodded again, leaning forward to place a chaste kiss on his lips, before pulling away. “You’re gonna be just fine.”
“I know.” She nodded, finding confidence she didn’t know she had. “But first, I need you to help me with something.”
~*~*~*~
“Daddy?”
“Yeah, huney?”
“I love you.” A pause, and then, “Even after everything, I love you.”
“I know, Buffy. I love you too.” Hank told his eldest daughter, stroking the hair on her head as it lay on his shoulder. “And I’m sorry I wasn’t there. And for the divorce. I’m so sorry you and Dawn had to go through that. I never wanted that for you too.”
“I know.” She replied softly, closing her eyes in exhaustion. “But Mom doesn’t. You should tell her.”
Hank nodded softly, his eyes straight ahead. “I will.”
“I don’t mean to be such a crybaby.” She whispered.
“You’re not.” Hank told her, looking down at the top of her head. “You’re hurting. What happened with William-”
“Was my mistake.”
“Was it?” He wondered.
“Was it what?” She was confused. Too many serious questions while her head was about to explode.
“A mistake.”
“Oh.” She said, understanding, thinking. All she could come up with, however, was, “I don’t know.”
“He loves you.”
“Does he?”
“He does.” Hank said quietly. Even though the house was empty save for them, they still whispered. “When you were gone…he was a complete wreck, Buffy.”
“He sure got over it fast.” She said sarcastically, wincing when her head started to thumb harder.
“Well, the trip to New York kinda drained him.”
“What?!” Buffy exclaimed, sitting up straight. “Spike was in New York?”
Oops.. Hank thought.
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