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IDENTITY CRISIS

*Heather Martin*

Disclaimer- I do NOT own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is a story with characters created by Joss Whedon. I am only borrowing them.

Spoilers- This will have many spoilers. It occurs after Wrecked, and will refer to everything before that also. But mostly, Fool for Love.

Summary- A spell has a far greater impact than Willow or Spike counted on. The vampire is split into two separate embodiments: the demon and William. But there’s still Spike, who has to decide who he really is, the demon or the man. And time is running out.

“Poor Spikey! Can’t be a human, can’t be a vampire.” ~Wrecked
But what if he had a choice?

Chapter 6- Moment of Weakness

Buffy lie on her bed and sobbed. She didn’t know why she was upset. Okay, that was a lie. But she didn’t know why it did effect her. She shouldn’t care, it was Spike.

The words had come out of her mouth automatically. She had panicked. Spike had been so close to here, and she had known that one more second with him and she would lose control. Just like the other tree times, the last leading to something unforgivable. So, she let out the insult, the most terrible thing she could think of.

Well, it had worked. She hurt him, gotten away without any physical contact. And felt completely horrible for it.

+++++++++

After a long moping, William decided to stop and do something about it.

Dawn was kind enough to help him find a pen and paper. He took them to the kitchen table and began to write.

Light out of reach
Darkness in my grasp
Love surrounding, but not within

With frustration, he crumpled up his lousy poem. He hung his head. Everyone was right, it was bloody awful. No wonder no one would love him, he was pathetic.

+++++++++

Spike didn’t know how long he cried on Buffy’s porch. Everytime he tried to collect himself and leave, he couldn’t. Damn slayer, she was tearing him apart. He let out a shrill laugh. Hell, she already had. If it wasn’t for her, he never would have wanted that bloody spell in the first place.

Ok, Spike thought, stop being a poofter and get up. He staggered to his feet, smoothed his hair back, and reached for a cigarette. As he did, a knowing ache in his side hit him. He doubled over, crying out.

+++++++++

The sound reached Buffy’s slayer ears. She got off her bed, drying her tears. The yell came again, and she recognized it as Spike’s.

Without thinking, she rushed down the stairs. She met William there. He gave her a questioning look.

“Who is that? It is coming from the front yard, I think,” he said.

“That’s Spike,” she told him quickly, continuing her path to the door.

She went out to find a barely standing vampire.

“What are you still doing here?” she demanded. She hated herself right then. He had cried out for some reason and her response was to be a bitch. And she didn’t want to be, not really. It just seemed to always happen when she was around him.
Spike weakly lifted his head. “Buffy?”

True worry came then. Something was really wrong with him. She moved toward him, but it wasn’t fast enough. He collapsed to the ground.

+++++++++

Willow was frustrated. Hours of research without any results. But she wouldn’t give up, she owed it to Buffy.

“Remind me why were are helping Spike,” Xander said.

The witch glanced up from her thick dusty volume. “What?”

“This is Spike, the vampire who wanted to kill us. Remember that?”

Willow sighed. “Xander, he’s helped us more times than I can count. Besides, I don’t think you understand the situation. There is a demon out there feeding off people. And probably more than normal vampires, out of the relief of being released. We can’t let this go on.”

He shut up then, and went back to reading.

Willow scanned page after page. Her attention fell on one that caught her eye. Her head shot upward.

“I found something!” she exclaimed.

Xander looked up. “So, what is it?”

Willow collected the book, and grabbed her coat. “I’ll tell you later, right now I have to see Buffy.”

Willow hurried out of the store.

+++++++++

Buffy carried Spike to her room. She tucked his unconscious body in the bed. She sat next to him, somehow unable to move.
Her sister walked in. “What’s wrong with him?”

Buffy looked down at the pale sleeping vampire. He didn’t seem to be in any pain like before. She was relieved by that.

“I. . . I don’t know, Dawnie,” Buffy stammered.

Dawn fiddled with her fingers. “Do you, do you think it could have to do with the spell?”

“I didn’t think of that. Maybe.” Buffy turned to face Dawn. “It’s time to go to bed.”

Usually, Dawn would complain. She’d whine, begging for at least a half-hour more. But instead, she nodded.

Dawn left Buffy to go to bed, even though she knew there wouldn’t be any sleep for her that night, no matter how hard she tried.

+++++++++

William was on his way to the bathroom. Technology had gone a long way. You just press down on a little handle and flush, all your waste was gone. He loved it, almost made him want to stay in this time.

He stopped. The sound of crying was coming from Buffy’s room. He peered in through the cracked door. He made out the form of Buffy. She was on the bed with Spike. Her hand draped over the vampire, her head buried in his shoulder.

Shocked and amazed, William stepped away, giving her privacy. Could it be possible? Did Buffy really care for Spike? She must to be so broken up.

He blinked, not sure how he felt. A part of him was mad, that she liked the vampire. Another was telling him that if he was part of Spike, Buffy must care about him as well.

William leaned against the wall for support. He wanted this all to end, to be whole. If he was supposed to be inside Spike, then he wanted to be. He suddenly felt very hollow and incomplete.

+++++++++

Willow stared at Buffy. She was so surprised, finding her friend curled up against Spike, fast asleep.

She went over to Buffy and shook her gently. The slayer stirred, holding tighter to Spike.

“Buffy?”

Buffy’s eyes fluttered open. She gazed at Willow as her mind sorted things out. Then she jolted to a sitting position. She glanced at Spike, and felt suddenly embarrassed. “Willow, I . . .”

Willow held up a hand. “It’s okay, Buffy, no need to explain.

“Okay,” whispered Buffy.

“I found something,” Willow informed. She opened a book in her hands.

That perked the slayer up. She got to her feet, walking to Willow. She took the book and examined the page.

“It tells about a witch who fell in love. She became devastated when he was changed into a vampire. Determined to get him back, she did a spell to turn him human again. Instead, it split him up into three: the vampire, the demon, and the human,” Willow said.

Their eyes met.

“The demon and vampire began to fight. Instead of killing him, the demon merged with the vampire. The witch and human got away. They were together for a day before he got sick.”

Buffy took in a breath. “Sick?”

“Yeah, he had major cramps. Then he uh. . . disappeared.”
“What? How can he just vanish?”

“I guess being separated for so long caused him to un-exist. The thing is, the vampire, now fully demon, came and killed the witch.”

Buffy looked over at Spike. Dread built in her chest. “Willow, Spike had a pain tonight. He passed out,” she muttered.

“God!” Willow said. All of this was making sense.

“I know.” Buffy’s voice was expressionless.

++++++++

Spike awoke the next day. He felt something squeezing his hand. He tilted his head to see Buffy. She gazed back at him with worry. For him?

He noticed the closed blinds and the clock that displayed 12:31. He was here, in the afternoon. Why?

“Buffy, why am I in your bedroom?” he asked.

“You passed out, remember?” she replied.

Then he recalled it all. Her harsh words, him crying on the porch, the strong agonizing attack. He pulled his hand away, out of her grasp.

She stared at her empty palm for a second, before speaking again. “We figure out what’s happened to you.”

“Right then, tell me,” he demanded.

She swallowed. ‘You are dying, or rather fading away. All three of you. Only, you’re the one that feels it.”

“Lucky me,” he said.

Anger shot through Buffy. She stood up. “Don’t you care!?”

“Why should I? I’ve lived 28 years, as a human, 122 as a vampire. I think that’s long enough.”

She slapped him. “You bastard!”

His eyes widened. He watched as droplets of water rolled down her face.

“I care!” she shouted. She pointed at herself. “I care!”

“I know I don’t act like it. I threaten to dust you all the time.”

Buffy touched his lips. “I don’t mean any of it.”

“So, I’m not beneath you, Slayer?” Spike questioned.

She swiped away her tears. She shook her head.

He smiled. She cared for him. Dying was okay then.

“There’s a way to cure you,” Buffy whispered.

He rose his right eyebrow.

“You can merge with one of them.”

“What?” he said.

She cupped his cheek. “Merge with William. You’ll be fine and the demon will vanish.”

He snorted. “I can’t become that poncy nancy-boy!”

Buffy lowered herself to his chest. She cried into his black t-shirt, clutching onto him. “Don’t leave me, Spike, not like the others did. Please.” Her voice was slightly muffled.

Spike held her, stroking her silky hair. He stared at the ceiling, wondering what to do.

 
 





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