He looked so helpless and pale in the hospital bed. Looked like he had looked after Dana had removed his hands. However, he also looked sick. The very human sick look. Like he was dying, but he wasn’t. I was not about to let that happen.
**
The vehicles had arrived no less than five minutes after the green barbarian had deposited his weapon into Spike’s abdomen. The short trip at dangerously high speeds to W & H seemed to take an eternity while I held him in my arms trying to stunt the persistent blood intent on leaving his body. I felt responsible for it, for all of it, whatever that entailed. How many times had I held someone as their life flowed from them, listening as their heartbeat slowed and their life came to a halt, just to lengthen my own? Their spark of life flickering diligently only to be snuffed out by my hands.
Tears came to my eyes at the thought of losing Spike, causing the black of his clothes and the red on my hands to blur. In those few minutes, I hated myself for every bad thing I had ever done to him. Cursed myself even more for all the things I said to erode his confidence causing him to be unsure of himself and not seek out Buffy’s love. He had always been so much better at loving then I. I remembered how mad I was when I found out about their sordid affair, how I had seethed when I saw in her eyes the way she said his name. I don’t think she even noticed. Moreover, I had taken that all away from him. By not letting him go to her when he first could, and then again by not bringing it up once he was human.
**
Seeing him now though, I knew why he did not bring it up.
When two days had passed and I entered my office, I hoped, wished, wanted Spike to be in my chair so bad it was a physical ache that stabbed into my heart when he wasn’t there. I spent that day leaving every chance I got, praying that when I returned he would be there. Nevertheless, he was never there. Spike was in the infirmary, in a coma. He had lost so much blood, all over my hands it had leaked, but other than that, he had been lucky. The sword cut a gaping hole into his flesh, but missed the important stuff, only nicking a few small notches in his intestines here and there. I wondered if he was in the coma because of the blood loss, or because of the emotional tilt awhirl he had been living in, that I had totally missed.
Standing in the corner of his infirmary room, I stared at his pale skin, wondering why he had never taken the opportunity to go out and get a tan. The human Spike wasn’t that much different from the vampire Spike. He still kept the same hours, played the same games, and said all the same incredibly annoying things. I wondered why he hadn’t wanted to change. The only thing he had changed was his hair. Or rather, it wasn’t so much that he hadn’t changed it, as he hadn’t touched it. It had grown out in loose curls that now, five months later lying in a white sheeted hospital bed, framed his face. The tips were still colored but had shifted from shock white blonde to a pale yellow and the rest of it, well it was natural. A soft brown that suited him better then the blonde. I never will understand what possessed him to dye it like that.
Shaking my head slightly at the though, I chuckled a little. Spike, always to do whatever HE thought was cool.
“I’m thinking about calling Buffy,” my voice was barely over a whisper, but I don’t think he could hear anyways.
“I know you think that she wouldn’t want to see you after how you to parted ways, but if what you said was true…” I paused.
****
We were sitting on the floor our backs against the couch in his apartment swapping stories. Spike had had quite a few drinks when I had made an off-handed comment about Buffy. It was in reference to something else entirely, just a small piece of the story I happened to be sharing at the time. He eyes had sobered immediately and his gaze held mine. It was strong, defiant, and sad all in the same look.
“She told me she loves me,” the statement was intense, mixed with the look in his eyes, I didn’t doubt him.
“When?”
He eyes fell way from mine then. He breathed a small sigh that was half-indignant laugh reaching up to push his growing locks away from his eyes. A movement that he had taken to with ease as they grew longer.
“It was stupid; I don’t think she meant it.”
He sloshed what remained of his drink around in its cup.
I was… somewhat sad, but not because she had expressed love for him. Buffy didn’t love me like that anymore and I had come to terms with it already. Didn’t like it, but wasn’t going to die because of it. I was sad for Spike. All his life all he wanted was for someone to love him, and I had always managed to already have everything he wanted. I was also mystified.
Shaking my head I spoke my thoughts to Spike, “I don’t think she would have said it if she didn’t mean it.”
The look he gave me was almost humorous. His head lifted and one eyebrow had climbed as far up into his now shaggy curls as it could go. It was a look that stated ‘shyeah right’ strait out of a teen angst show. The seriousness of the situation was all that keep my chuckle in.
“You weren’t there.”
Was all that he said, returning his gaze to his cup. Sighing, Spike brought it to his lips and finished it off, as if it would help him forget the pain. Even though we both knew it wouldn’t.
“Tell me about it.”
I thought that maybe if I knew the circumstances I would be able to allay his fears and reassure him that her words were true. That she wasn’t just someone else to reject him. At that point it time, it didn’t even matter that it was my Buffy. Just so that it would be someone.
He breathed deep, held it for a second and let it out in a sigh that spoke the volumes of pain that resided in his heart. He was silent for so long, I almost thought he wouldn’t tell me. It wouldn’t be the first time I asked about something and he skirted the issue.
“It was on the Hellmouth. Right before…,” his eyes searched mine for a moment before returning to his now empty cup and continuing.
“Before I wen’ up in flames. The light, was eve’ywhe’e, and it was sooo bright,” he squinted his eyes as if the light was around us then, his voice lowering to barely over a whisper, ”the girls were getting’ out. Runnin’ out, the ones that were left. And she stopped…she came to me and told I had to come with. But...but I knew,” he shook his head, ”I knew I wa’n’t gettin’ outta there. Not that day.”
He snorted.
“Was s’pose to be not any day after that. But we all know ‘ow that goes…” he paused.
Swallowing hard he continued. “An’ she knew too. She could see that it was the end fer me. An’...she topk my ‘and and she looked in to my eyes, straight into my eyes.”
He stopped. His breathing had become erratic and I thought he would burst into tears by the look on his face. He swallowed hard a few more times, taking the effort to regain control of his breathing. When he turned back to me, you would have never thought that we were talking about what he had thought would be his last moments on earth, that he had died saving his girl and the world in an apocalyptic battle. He was all hard Spike and false bravado that I was slightly taken aback.
“An’ then she said it, an’ I knew it wa’n’t true, cause I mean, I was gonna die, of course she said it. So yeah. Let’s play Crash.”
Spike got up from the floor, turned the game on and that was the end of that conversation.
****
“If what you said was true, I think she’ll want to know. I think she’ll come.”
I was thinking aloud. I wasn’t sure if she would come or not. I doubt she would have told Spike she loved him at any moment in time regardless of the situation if she didn’t mean it. She didn’t play with words like that. I paused to think about the time she killed me for the world. She had told me she loved me then, and it was true, then.
I nodded my head.
“Yeah, I think she’ll come.”
Returning to my office I only had one obstacle to overcome in calling her. Myself. How would she react to find out that he had been here all this time? If for the reasons that I was calling her were true, that we had kept from her that he was here. All. This. Time. How furious would she be to find out the changes that Spike had undergone without her knowledge.
Running my hand through my hair, I resigned myself to a lie. That she wouldn’t take it out on me because of the condition Spike was in. That she would just be glad to see him and she would come, help him recover, then together they would ride off into the sunrise without the time to beat the holy heck out of me. I winced at the lie; it sucked, because I wasn’t the one she rode out with, and because it ultimately left me alone. All that as well as, I also was no fool and knew she would make the time to be angry with somebody, be it he or I.
I stared at the phone for a few more minutes before I rubbed my hands together and picked it up. Only to set it down again. Frustrated with myself, I growled and picked it up again, quickly dialing the numbers so I couldn’t chicken out on myself again.
Ring.
Ring.
Great, here I was barely hanging on to my courage and she was out.
“Hello?” the voice on the other end was male. What the…
“Hello, is this the Summer’s residence?”
“Yes it is, how may I direct your call?”
What? When had Buffy gotten an answering service, I know I’ve been out of the loop for a while, but…geez.
“Um...I’m looking for Buffy.”
“Yeah, she lives here.”
…. Some people.
“Is she home, can I talk to her?”
What was with this guy, his voice sounded distantly familiar, but I couldn’t place it. It wasn’t Giles or Xander. Hopefully this dimwit wasn’t Buffy’s newest interest (I was hoping she had ditched the Immortal).
“Ah…” the male paused,” yeah, hold on. BUFFY!”
The male voice screeched her name and had obviously not moved the phone very far from his mouth. I quickly jerked the phone away from my ear, positive that even Spike had heard the call.
In the background, I heard shuffling around and a faint ‘that wasn’t necessary’ in Buffy’s voice. Good she was home.
“Hello?” came from the other end of the line, slightly annoyed.
“Buffy.”
I never was good with words when it came to her; I shook my head in disappointment at myself. I heard her tense through the phone. Great.
“Angel? How’d you get this number?”
“I know people.”
She had been listed in the Rome directory, it wasn’t that hard.
“Oh,” there was an uncomfortable pause before she continued,” So ah, what’s up?”
“Nothing, I’m good. How are you?”
I momentarily forgot my reasons behind calling. I always seemed to forget myself around her after long breaks without her.
I could hear the confusion in her voice, ”I’m good.”
She paused again, “Did you just call to see how I was, or was there something you needed.”
For someone that had half way promised herself to me just a year and a half ago, she seemed like she didn’t want to talk to me. Maybe she did just play with words. I guess my pause for thought was too long for her, because she came back her voice alittle more than slightly annoyed.
“Angel? Hey look, if you don’t have anything to say, I was in the middle of som…”
“I need you to come here.”
I figured the best way would be to just throw it out there.
“Why?”
“I…have a situation that needs your immediate attention.”
There, go business on her.
“Like apocalyptic, cause I’m not into that stuff anymore,” the way she said it made it sound like we were dealing in drugs, ”there’s tons of Slayers out there. And besides, I thought you had your own evil law firm to handle all that stuff for you. Wouldn’t me being there be against everything you work for now?”
Yeah, that stung alittle, I’ll have to admit. However, it wasn’t as if I didn’t know where she was coming from. We had taken out the Black Thorn, but nothing had changed. Not that I could tell, not that I really went out any more, but still. The firm seemed to be running smoothly as if nothing had happened. Dealing in most of the same stuff it had before my team had come on. Maybe I could convince her to take me with her, if she took Spike.
“It’s about Spike.”
If she wouldn’t take business, then I guess it would have to be the truth. I know she doesn’t want me lying to her anymore then I have.
Her breath hitched, and I could hear her heart rate as it increase. Maybe she would come.
“What about him?”
“He needs you.”
“He’s dead.”
She said it so firmly, with such conviction, so softly, that I could tell she wanted me to tell her she was lying. God, how much did that hurt.
“No, he’s not. Hasn’t been. And now, he needs you.”
There was a long pause. So long, so that I was certain that she was going to say ‘no’.
“You still at the law firm?”
“Yeah,” What did that have to do with any…?
“I’ll be on the next flight out.”
Ah. I released the breath I didn’t know I’d been holding.
“There’ll be a car to pick you up at the airport.”
“Ok.” Click.
I sighed a heavy sigh of relief. I’ve lost everything that’s mattered to me, but I can still save Spike.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
i own nothing except my truck and just enjoy taking them out for a ride.