Chapter Seventeen
I’m Sorry…
Moira had told Buffy of Spike’s fall and she paced restlessly up and down the cabin until she could go and see him once he was safely asleep. Moving swiftly across the lawns she opened the door and went over to him. She gave a little gasp when she saw his bruised face.
“Oh Spike,” she whispered, sitting down in the chair that Brad had sat in earlier. “I love you so much. Why won’t you let me in, you stupid man.”
She reached out and touched his hand, revelling as always in its warmth. Spike forced his breathing to stay the same. He’d been unable to sleep without the drugs to help him. When he’d heard someone walk in he’d first thought that it was a nurse checking on him and so he’d feigned sleep. Even before she spoke, he knew that it was Buffy; he’d know her scent anywhere. What the hell was she doing here? She stroked his arm softly and he stifled a groan.
“I was so worried when they told me you’d fallen. The day seemed twice as long as usual. They told me that you’ve strained your back. I know how much that hurts. I was fighting this vamp one time…”
Spike let her soft words wash over him, enjoying listening to her voice after so long, not really heeding the words, just the soothing tone. He didn’t know how long she stayed but when she dropped a kiss on his cheek he felt a hot tear fall on his face.
“Goodnight, Spike, I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow,” she whispered before walking away.
“Call her name! Let her know you’re awake, you moron!”
The voice raged in his head but Spike remained silent, tears of his own running down his cheeks.
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Spike hadn’t slept for a second after Buffy left his room. His whole body ached for her to come back but such was his state of mind that her unexpected visit just sank him deeper into depression over his circumstances. How could he let the woman he loved, the Slayer no less, be weighed down with his useless body? She deserved someone strong and fit. What would her love have turned into in a year’s time? Five years’ time? What had they shared really? Violent hard sex and fighting side by side. Neither of which he could do anymore. What did she think she’d do with him? Sit him in front of the TV and talk to him about her day? Conversation had never been their strong point. No, it would be better for her and for Angel if he were out of the way. He decided to stick to his plan. He’d simply had enough.
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Spike forced himself to seem okay to everyone that he had contact with. He was allowed to have his bed raised so that he could eat his meals but then had to be put flat again. He didn’t know how he managed to eat anything. It all tasted like sawdust to him. He carefully palmed most of the offered drugs and hid them away. The increased pain that he suffered added to his bleak outlook.
That night he lay tense, ears straining for Buffy’s arrival. He dreaded it and yearned for it in equal measures. In she crept, sitting next to the bed. She didn’t speak for what seemed like forever to Spike. Had she noticed that he was awake? He made himself stay relaxed.
“Oh, Spike,” she said finally, “Why won’t you let Angel come to see you? At least then he can tell me what you’ve said. It makes me feel closer to you.”
“Huh, so Peaches was just reporting back to you, was he? That’s why he came?” thought Spike unfairly.
He didn’t realise that he’d fallen asleep until he woke and she was gone, her voice and soft touch lulling him to slumber. He tried to move his legs and they did respond a little more, just as Brad had predicted. For a moment he was pleased, he felt hope, but then the depression rolled over him and he felt less encouraged by it, not more.
No, nothing would deviate him from his plan and this time he wouldn’t fail.
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Knowing that Spike was confined to his bed gave Buffy more freedom to move about Rosedene and its grounds. After checking with Moira that it was okay, Buffy had been eating her meals in the dining room for the past few days.
She was sitting having lunch a few days after Spike’s fall when she was approached by a slim dark haired man.
“Is it okay if I join you?” he asked politely.
“Er…” She glanced around the dining room seeing that there were plenty of spare tables. “Yeah, all right.”
He grinned at her and sat down.
“I’m Brad, Spike’s physiotherapist,” he said, “You’re Buffy, right?”
“Yes, I’m Buffy,” she replied a little sadly, “So how’s he doing?”
“He was doing really well up until he had his fall. But not only has the fact that he’s strained his back set him back, but I think that he’s lost a bit of confidence, too. He seems a little down.”
“Oh,” said Buffy, embarrassed to find that her eyes were filling with tears.
“He’s not the only one that’s feeling down, by the look of it,” said Brad gently.
“I’m sorry,” said Buffy, struggling to get a grip.
“Don’t apologise. It must be hard for you staying cooped up in that cabin all of the time.”
“I don’t care about that. It’s just so tough knowing that Spike’s so close and yet still out of reach. He wouldn’t even let Angel say my name when he was trying to ask him to see me.”
“He is pretty stubborn,” said Brad with a smile, “Can I ask you something? If I overstep the mark I’ll apologise now and you don’t have to answer me if you don’t want to.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Why are you here now? Why didn’t you come when you first found out that Spike was alive?” asked Brad, watching her carefully.
“I did come as soon as I knew,” she replied, “Does he think that I didn’t?”
Brad hesitated, not wanting to betray Spike’s confidence, but Buffy looked and sounded sincere. For her to stay here knowing that she couldn’t see Spike must mean that she feels more for him than just pity.
“He seems to think that you’ve known for months. That a mutual friend had told you about him.”
“Stupid man!” said Buffy, “He won’t even listen to the truth. I tried to tell him that first day but he just told me to leave. I love him, Brad.” She looked him in the eye. “I don’t care whether he can walk or not, I just need to be with him. I can’t lose him again.”
“I promised Spike that I wouldn’t try to get him to see you, but he needs to be able to see that he has a future beyond Rosedene and I don’t think that he can at the moment. I’ll see if I can get him to let Angel visit again and take it from there.”
“I appreciate everything that you’ve done for Spike. He and Angel have a pretty complicated relationship but it’ll do him good to see him again. Thank you.”
They spent the rest of their time chatting about less emotional subjects as they ate their food.
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As Brad went into Spike’s room he saw that Spike was reaching for the button to call for assistance.
“Hi, Spike, what is it that you’re needing? Can I do it for you?”
“Um…” said Spike, “I…er…need to…” he waved vaguely at the bedpan, “but ‘s all right. I can get someone to come.”
“Don’t be silly, I’m here,” said Brad matter of factly, and without listening to Spike’s protests he helped him to use it and then flushed its contents down the toilet after cleaning Spike up.
“God, I sodding hate this,” muttered Spike, face crimson.
“Won’t be for much longer. You’ll be up and about again in a few days,” replied Brad, “Is your back feeling any better?”
“Yes, a bit,” lied Spike. Truth be told it kept going into spasm because he wasn’t taking his pills.
“I bet you’re bored being stuck in here again.” said Brad, “Why don’t you let Angel come to see you? I’ll tell him to crawl into the room if you like.” He chuckled.
“I dunno, I just don’t feel much like talking.”
“Aw, c’mon Spike, the guy’s called every day. Let him come and see you even if it’s only for a half hour,” persuaded Brad.
Spike sighed, “Okay then, but tell him not to be too late. I’ve asked if I can have my last dose of meds a bit earlier so I can get some sleep.”
“Great, I’ll get Moira to call him. It’ll do you good.”
“Yeah,” said Spike with a weak smile. He didn’t mind seeing Peaches one last time before…
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Angel came to see him that night just after dusk; it’d been five days since Spike’s fall.
“Hey,” he said as he sat next to the bed.
“All right, Peaches.”
“Is your back any better? Why didn’t you want me to visit?”
“It’s a bit better. I just wanted to rest up a bit is all. I had been knocked out, remember?” replied Spike.
“Fair enough.”
“So what have you been doing? Seen much action?” asked Spike, prompting Angel to tell him about the past few days.
An hour earlier than usual the nurse came in with Spike’s drugs. He thanked her politely and then glanced over at Angel.
“Do you mind? I know it’s stupid ‘cause all I’ve done is lay here but I’m feeling pretty knackered.”
“Oh, right, no problem, I’ll leave you to it. Hope you get a good night’s sleep,” said Angel, getting up and walking to the door.
“I’m sure I will. Goodbye, Angel,” said Spike.
Angel stared at him for a second; it wasn’t often that Spike called him by his name. Spike raised a hand and smiled.
“’Night, Spike.”
Spike let out a deep sigh. He reached for the buzzer, one last job to do to make sure that he’d be left alone until morning. “The last time for that indignity,” he thought once he’d been attended to and as he watched the nurse carry the bedpan away.
He made himself wait fifteen minutes to make sure that no one was going to come in before he pulled out his stash of pills. That’d be enough, surely? He got the hip flask from the drawer in his bedside cabinet and then raised his bed up. As he started to take the pills he regretted that Buffy could be the one to find him. But he daren’t wait until after she’d been in case there wasn’t time for the pills to take effect before his first check of the day.
When he’d taken all of the pills, washing them down with the JD and then some water when the liquor ran out, he rested his head back and closed his eyes. A thought struck him and he fumbled for a pen and a sheet of paper from the drawer. On it he simply wrote ‘I’m sorry’. He folded it in half and left it leant up against the bedside lamp, lowered the bed again and soon drifted away…
tbc
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BANNER BY DAWNOFMEAuthor's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Carol for her beta work and I'm praying that sotia's eyelashes survive this chapter! LOL