Spike sat up. “Buffy, don’t just run off,” he said, running his hand through his rumpled curls. “Let’s at least talk about this.”
Buffy held out the hand that wasn’t currently clutching the blanket to her chest. “There is nothing to talk about, Spike. We’re not discussing this. Ever.”
“It would be the easiest way for us to…”
“Easy? You think it would be easy? God, Spike, do you have any idea what becoming a vampire does to you? What it’s like to…” She stopped, a lump forming in her throat as she thought about her own turning, unable to finish her sentence. “It’s not easy.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. I know it’s not something to be taken lightly. But it’s our best shot at being together. You’ve got to know that, Buffy. Even if…even if you don’t like it.”
Her eyes slid shut as Buffy admitted what he was saying with a soft, “I do.” But then she was looking at him again, fire back in her gaze. “Which is why we can’t work forever, Spike. Or even any sort of long term. I’m dead, and that’s a pretty much a permanent state. I can’t ever go back to being like you are now. And as far as the reverse…” She shook her head, standing her ground. “I won’t do it. I won’t. Don’t ask me for this.”
Spike couldn’t help but feel hurt by her unwavering denial of his request. He understood her own turning had been difficult, but it wouldn’t be the same for them. She wasn’t Angelus, and she wouldn’t be doing it to hurt or control him. Didn’t she love him like he loved her? Didn’t she want an eternity feeling this way? “Can’t you at least give it some bloody thought before you dismiss it outright?”
“Can’t you give it some bloody thought?” Buffy countered. “This isn’t something that can be undone. It’s not something you can try out for a bit, and if you don’t like it, you can go back to your old life. I turn you, and that’s it. You’re dead.”
“Undead,” Spike corrected.
“Same fucking thing!” Buffy screamed. She shook her head. “What is it with humans and their romantic notions of vampires, huh? We’re blood-sucking corpses, for chrissakes – not characters in an Anne Rice novel.”
Spike got off the bed then, not bothering to cover up as he stalked towards her, backing her up against the wall. He took hold of her shoulders, forcing her to stay close to him, to look into his eyes. “I don’t have romantic notions about vampires, Buffy. I know what they are. Trust me, I’ve seen it first hand – seen everything first hand – and I know what I’m asking. But I love you. I need you. I’d give up everything I am, everything I’ve ever known, just to be with you. I’ve waited my whole life to feel this complete with someone else. To have this, to have you, forever? I don’t care what the price is – any price is worth it.”
Buffy could see in her eyes that Spike was serious. He did know what he was asking her – or at least he thought he did.
Somehow, it only made her even more determined to tell him no.
Spike was a good man. Despite what he’d done to her in the beginning, she had absolutely no doubt of that. He’d tried to close off his heart after losing his wife, but Buffy knew it was still open, still warm – still beating.
She’d never be the one responsible for changing that. No matter what she felt for him, the burning passion between them, or her desire to spend centuries at his side, she would never be the one to take away that part of him. He may not think the price was too much, but Buffy knew it was.
She could never go on with the knowledge she’d changed anything about this man.
It was even clearer to her now that they could never be together. It broke her heart more than she’d ever known possible, but the truth was blindingly obvious now. She’d been setting herself up for heartbreak by simply entertaining the notion. The problem was, he wasn’t able to see the truth, too. Instead of just enjoying what little time they did have together, he was trying to hold on to the impossible.
And now, he was entertaining notions that…
No.
She had to put an end to this now, as much as it broke her heart. If she let things continue, if she let him keep thinking that things could change, that he could change. Even if she knew enough about vampires to know he’d still be himself at his core, she also knew it was impossible to go through something like that and remain completely unchanged. The mission that drove him now would be lost. He’d become what he hated, what he fought against.
She couldn’t take part in that.
Her heart crumbled in her chest, but she steeled herself to do what she had to do.
Her fangs burst through her gums as the bones in her face shifted. “Is this what you want, Spike? Is this what you want to be? A monster?”
“Buffy…”
She ignored the plea in his voice and let the blanket drop before grabbing him by the neck and tossing him against the wall. She kept him pinned with one arm, letting him know for the first time just how strong she was. “This is what you want? This?” She snarled before she let go of his neck just long enough to take his flesh between her fangs. She wasn’t gentle this time, didn’t try to make it about pleasure. She wanted to hurt him. She wanted him to know…
She pulled her mouth away from him, blood on her lips and chin. “Is that what you want?” she asked again, her voice sounding something other than human.
Spike put his hand against the wound. “Why are you doing this?”
“Because I don’t want you,” Buffy snapped. “What, did you really think I meant any of it? Did you think I could actually fall in love in a matter of days with a man who tortured me?” She sneered at him. “And a human, no less. I’ve been playing you the whole time, making you think you did anything other than disgust me on the off chance I could manipulate you into not staking me when this is over. But I certainly didn’t want to get stuck with someone as pathetic as you forever. I’ve been barely tolerating you as it is.”
“You don’t mean this,” Spike said, shaking his head in denial. “I know you don’t, Buffy. I…I saw what was in your eyes when… I know you felt the same way I do every time I was inside you.”
“You saw what you wanted to see.”
“No. I saw what was there. You can’t deny that.”
“Are you honestly that delusional? I’m a demon, Spike! And you…” She sneered and stepped away from him. “You’re beneath me.”
In an instant, his face grew hard. He pushed her back, making her stumble as he stormed away from the wall and began to gather his clothes from around the room. He dressed quickly, without even a glance in her direction, then stormed out of the apartment and into the glaring sun, the door slamming hard behind him.
As soon as she knew he was gone, Buffy sank to the floor and cried.
Spike had been gone for hours, and Buffy was starting to worry. She was glad she’d never told him where Angelus was, afraid now that if she had, she would’ve pushed him to think a daytime raid would be a smart idea. It wouldn’t have been – Angelus had guards standing at all times.
But that didn’t mean he couldn’t have gotten himself into some other kind of trouble. What if her cruel words had pushed him into doing something stupid? Could he be in danger right then? What if he was dead?
The sun was bright outside the apartment, and Buffy had noted when she’d arrived that the nearest sewer entrance was really too far away for her to make it. Damn Los Angeles and all its blinding sunlight… She certainly couldn’t do Spike any good if he were in trouble and she was just a pile of dust.
Buffy wished more than anything that Spike had just kept his sudden desire to become undead to himself. She’d wanted to spend the time before they went after Angelus in his arms, building memories that were supposed to last with her into immortality, even after he was long gone. She hadn’t wanted the time they’d spent together to be tainted with an ending like this.
And what if this really was the end of them? What if he never came back? Already Buffy was certain she’d never get to touch him again, but to never even get to see him one last time? To have her last memory of his face one where he was looking at her in anger?
She always wanted to remember the love she’d seen in his eyes…
She tried to keep herself together and stay calm, dressing herself in the t-shirt and sweatpants he’d bought for her earlier and drinking the hospital blood, wanting to make sure her healing didn’t stall. She kept telling herself he’d just needed some distance from her after what she’d said, and he’d be back soon.
However, when the sun began to set and he still hadn’t returned, Buffy felt genuine panic begin to set in. He’d been gone for hours. Her mind went back to her earlier thoughts, fears that he’d go out and do something stupid. She’d said what she said to protect him – she certainly didn’t want it to backfire and get him hurt.
She had just about to go out and look for him herself, when the door opened. She jumped up from the edge of the couch, her hands on her hips. “Where did you go? You’ve been gone all day! For all I know, you could’ve been hurt, dammit!”
He arched an eyebrow. “And you care because…? You hate me, remember?”
Buffy dropped her hands, a quick wince passing over her features. “Oh, right. Well, you’ve been my source of food recently, so…”
“Whatever,” Spike said briskly before tossing her a shopping bag. “Put these on.”
Buffy looked in the bag, finding a pair of jeans, a top, and boots. The sizes were all correct, and Buffy couldn’t help but blush a little as she thought about how he’d have such intimate knowledge of her measurements.
“Now?” she asked, not understanding why he would stay gone all day only to come back right after sunset and throw a bag of clothes at her. “Why do you want me to get dressed? I mean, other than in what I’m wearing, since I assume we won’t be doing anything naked anymore…”
“We’re going after Angelus,” Spike said tersely, cutting her off.
She hadn’t been expecting that. She’d assumed that there’d be more planning, maybe a bit more healing on her part. Granted, she felt strong enough now, but… “Spike, I don’t think this is a good idea. Not right now. You’re upset, you’re being brash, and…”
“I’m not waiting anymore. I want this over with, and I want it over with tonight. Whatever happens from this point, I don’t care, but I’m not waiting around anymore knowing that bastard is anything other than a pile of dust. So do you plan on actually honoring our deal, or are you going to take that back, too?”
His words stung, and Buffy flinched from the harshness in his tone. “I don’t want to back out of the deal,” she assured him. “I just don’t think now is the best time.”
“And I don’t really give a bloody fuck about what you think, so if you’re going to help me, get dressed now. Otherwise, I’m going to search this whole bloody city until I find the bastard. Understood?”
Buffy had a very, very bad feeling about this. She didn’t like to do things without some form of planning. At least some discussion about who was going to do what. But Spike did not look like he was in the mood to discuss anything.
He looked like he was in the mood to kill.
Or possibly get killed…
She didn’t like this, but she had to go with him. Even if going now meant saying good-bye sooner, if it meant she’d have to leave tonight and never see him again, she couldn’t let him go in alone.
She had to make sure he got out of this alive.
Without another word, Buffy changed her clothes.