Chapter Twelve
Moments of Truth
Spike moved around his kitchen, making the drinks as quickly as he could, he wanted to be fast so that she didn’t have time to disappear. He knew that they had some serious issues to cover, and he hoped that she would be receptive to what he had to say. They were at a point in their relationship where it was make or break, he thought so anyway. To tell the truth he didn’t know what to think anymore. One minute she reciprocated his emotions, and in some cases, he thought elated herself in them. Other times she seemed horrified by his reactions, for example the ‘Riley incident.’ He hoped that she had just reacted to the situation and not to his actions. He knew that he had probably over reacted to them, but at that stage he was acting on pure instinct, and protectiveness towards her.
As the milk warmed on the sink, on a gentle heat, he quickly went up stairs to check on Imogen, he found her quietly playing with her feet yet again. He gently ran his hand over her cap of hair, and a finger down her cheek, Imogen reacted by sticking her tongue out at her father. She released her grip on one foot and clasped his finger, holding on tight.
“That’s right Little Bit, you have your Daddy wrapped around your little finger! But you know Sweetness you’re not the only one!” Spike told his daughter.
Gently releasing her grasp on his finger, she closed her eyes and drifted off to the beginning of sleep. Certain that she was on her way, Spike turned and left his daughter, quietly closing the door behind him, he went downstairs to complete his task of making drinks for the adults. He took the baby/parent monitor off his belt, and placed it onto the kitchen bench, grasping the mugs by the handle he headed for the back door, and what he hoped was his future.
“Hey!” Buffy greeted Spike, out stretching a hand to take one of the drinks. She took a sip and placed it down on the wicker table before her, “Nice. Thank you.”
“Yep, cannot beat good old hot chocolate on a nice night.” Spike took a gulp of the hot drink, and sat himself in the two-seater wicker chair beside Buffy’s single seater.
Taking her hand that rest on the arm of the chair, he turned it over studying the lines on her palm, remembering a moment in the gazebo. Spike took her palm and lay a gentle kiss upon it’s surface. He traced the creases with his tongue, teasing the skin and creating the gentlest suction with his lips, uplifting her skin further into his own mouth, allowing him to devour her. Buffy’s intake of breath expressed the reaction he wanted from her, he looked deeply into her eye’s, seeing the passion begin to burn, mixed with the insecurities she was feeling at the moment. Tenderly he slowed down his administrations, and released his hold on her hand with his mouth, but he did not let her hand go, instead he enveloped her hand in a tight grip, hoping that he could give her some of the strength he had.
Silence hung between the two, it screamed to be relieved of its burden, waiting for words to break it. Buffy took her mug again, breathing over the lip, cooling the top layer of her drink, taking another sip, she lay it down, she looked around at her surroundings, taking in the view of his backyard, full of toys for Imogen, and the lawn that needed mowing. Yet not looking at the man before her, she was a mix of scared and embarrassed, she just was so unsure of herself, it made her shy and reserved.
Spike’s mouth opened a few times, trying to engage the young woman before him, but he wanted Buffy to take the initiative, he knew that the development of the relationship depended on what she wanted, if she wanted it at all. He scolded himself, he knew that she was in it with him in some degree or another, but how much she had never quite revealed, she’d always keep that bit hidden deep inside herself. Maybe that was the point where the conversation needed to begin, in the middle, on common ground. Taking a deep breath Spike finally broke the silence.
“Buffy, we need to talk, and I mean really talk. Talk about where we are going, and what we want from one another.” Spike gave her hand a gentle reassuring squeeze, and waited for her to say something, but Buffy just looked down at the hand that held her own, “Please sweetheart, talk to me!”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t know, or just a little scared to?”
“Both.”
“Then why don’t I start, because I know what I want, and what I want is you.” Spike lifted his other hand, placing it under her jaw, he lifted her face so that they made eye contact, the fear shone in her eyes, clear as day, “We need to be open and honest with one another, you can say whatever you like to me. But we need to say something to each other, as much as we are afraid what the other may say, we need to say it. Let’s start with the simple things.”
“Simple things?”
“Yeah luv, like I want you, and you want me, well I think that you do. Do you?”
“Yes.” The voice was quiet and just audible.
“See that was simple. Next question. Do you need me?”
“I do.”
“Then say it, tell me you want me, tell me you need me. Say it and give it meaning, give it life.” Spike brushed his hand over her cheek, pulling her closer to him as he placed the gentlest just-touching-her kiss on her mouth, she could taste him on her lips, “Say it.”
“I want and need you.” Buffy replied tenderly, as she returned his kiss with one of her own, “But I am afraid.”
“Of what Buffy? Tell me. Make me understand.”
“Myself and how I feel. Of letting myself feel and letting myself go.”
“You don’t have to be afraid. I’d accept anything you want to give me, be anything you want me to be, be here for you. I want you to set the pace, the rules, the boundaries everything. I don’t want to lose you, give you reason to go, I need you that much. I’m willing to do anything to make this work. I have never felt such strong feelings like this before.” He took a deep breath as he blurted it all out, “I need and I want you that much Buffy.”
“Words are fine Spike, but would you be able to make them real. Would you really let me make the rules and the boundaries?” Buffy asked.
“Yes, you know I would. Well I hope that you know that I would.”
“You made it obvious to the world the other day, that I was ‘yours’, and that I ‘belonged to you’, that no other man could come near me! So how can I set the boundaries, when you already made them clear to the world. How do I know that I can talk to another man, without you lashing out on him? How do I know that you will let me be me?”
“Buffy?” Spike’s voice was full of distress, hurt and uncertainty, as his head drooped in disbelief.
“You said that I could say anything, and we could be honest with each other!” Buffy voiced her concern to him.
“I know, but……………”
“But what William, we need to clear the air, before we even think of where this is going and what we want.” Buffy leaned into him.” I do want to be with you, but I need to be sure. I need to know that it is the right thing. I don’t think that I could survive this is if it fell apart.”
“ I get it, I do! But I am also sure about you, about us. I know that maybe I over reacted with Riley, but I thought you were in danger, I wanted to protect you! That’s all I can say about that incident, I wanted to make the bastard pay for what he’d done to you. I cannot stand a man that hurts a woman, and maybe I did warn him off, but that was for him, to make him stay away from you. I don’t want you to ever be afraid of me, not for any reason. I would always let you be you, and I would never stop anyone from having friends of any sex!”
Buffy listened to what Spike had to say for himself, she could hear his words and the sincerity that was laced thickly within them. She knew that it was a start, but as he continued towards the end of his speech, she turned tomato red in embarrassment. It would appear that Spike had hit another delicate subject. Sex. It also didn’t go unnoticed by him, he released a gentle chuckled.
“Another fear Luv?”
“Fear, what on earth are you talking about?”
“Well I mentioned the ‘s’ word!” Spike’s grin gained momentum and spread across his face as it turned into a smirk, “The bit about wanting and needing Buffy, has more than one connotation you know!”
“I know!!” Buffy spluttered her words, as she went a deeper shade of red.
“Nothin’ to be afraid of Buffy.” Spike’s voice was so quiet that it just touched her eardrum, she just heard it, “I’d never do anything to you that you wouldn’t want me to. Never cross any line that you didn’t want to, that I promise you. You never have to be afraid of me!! Never!!”
“Never?”
“You set the rules, and the boundaries, I’ll never cross them. I’ll never give you reason to be hurt!” The words spilled out of his mouth, the oath and promise he was making to her, “I know the meaning of ‘no’ Buffy!”
“I………I…..” Buffy was too dumbfounded to reply to Spike’s word’s.
“Buffy you have to trust me! I need you and want to be with you so much that it hurts my very being. Living next door is heaven and hell, so good to be close and so bad that it burns when your not here.”
‘Oh……….I do trust you”
“Do you?”
“You know I do?” Buffy answered him, “ I do!”
“No, I don’t Buffy! I know that you want me and feel something for me. That you’re frightened that I’ll hit some other male person for just looking at you, and that you’re frightened of us being together. That bit I understand, but trust is another matter. I would not jeopardise anything we have, you need to understand that, I need to know that you trust me. Feelings matter Buffy, but trust is one of the most fundamental of them all, if you don’t trust me, then how can we have a future?”
“Okay let’s put it simply, despite some of my misgivings. I need you. I want you. I have feelings for you.” Buffy took his face in her hands, holding it in place with a tight grip, she looked vicariously into his eyes, and said, “I trust you!”
Taking the lead, she took the first step, placing a soft kiss on his lips, tracing the outline of his mouth with her tongue, tasting his skin, enveloping it with her own. Gently persuading him to open his mouth to hers, gaining access to it she continued to taste his mouth with her own. Deepening the contact between the two, she encircled the flesh within with her tongue, savouring every morsel that she encountered. Taking her invitation, he returned her adoration of the kiss by joining in the moment with her, tasting her on himself, feeling her own soft flesh. He deepened the kiss until they could feel it rise in intensity, they both felt the heat rise and burn between them.
Drawing her closer, he gently pulled on her body, until she lifted herself up and sat on his lap. He allowed her to fully embrace him, she encircled him with her arms around his neck and back, she held onto him as if for dear life. He inturn entwined one of his hands in her hair, and around her back, with a firm grip, like he never wanted to let her go. They continued to prolong each kiss, as they enfold **don’t know what that means?** each other, mouth on mouth, heat on heat, desire through desire, coming only up to take a breath, before diving back into their ocean of craving.
A soft wail came from the house interrupting the two lovers, Spike whipped his head away from her as he heard Imogens cries from the monitor on the kitchen bench. Buffy untangled herself from him and stood up, allowing him to move out of the wicker chair. Not letting her out of his sight, he once again grasped her hand and led her into the house, closing the backdoor behind him. He moved up the staircase with Buffy in tow, he went to his daughter’s room to find her howling in slight distress, with what would seem a need of a nappy change, the smell in the air was a dead giveaway. Moving swiftly, and with much practice, Spike attended to his daughter’s needs with care and tenderness, he gently soothed her with soft lullabies, and reassuring kisses on her cheek.
Buffy stood in awe of him as he took care of Imogen, she could see the gentleness and tenderness that came out of him with the people he cared about. She realised that maybe his reaction to Riley, had come from the need to protect and care for those he felt deeply about. She could feel her insecurity mix with the need to make something with him and his family, she wanted to belong in this family unit, and she wanted a life that included them, both of them.
Taking the initiative, Buffy took Imogen from her father, she continued with the lullaby he’d been singing to her, even though she could hardly remember the tune she tried. As she was missing half the words, Spike sung a few octaves lower to help her remember. He looked as Buffy gently rocked his baby in her arms, soothing the youngster, sending her off to sleep. Buffy could feel the baby start to stop wiggling, her breath becoming rhythmic and slow as sleep enveloped the infant. She moved with Imogen in her arms, over to the cot and placed her in it, laying her at the end, and covering her with the blanket as the baby lay on her back. This time Imogen grasped Buffy’s finger in a sign of contentment and trust. Buffy could feel all her insides become fuzzy and excited at the baby’s reaction to her, at least there was one Benson she had no trouble communicating with, and she could not even talk. This very concept came out and smacked Buffy right on the head. Yes they both needed to talk, but words could only express so much, and she finally got the obvious staring her right in the face. She just did not know if it was the right thing to do, or if she was just to scared to take the next step, but she needed to take some risks.
Some risks were worth taking, and Spike was a risk she wanted to take. She finally realised, after all the soul searching and insecurities, that she had allowed herself to hide in the dark for so long with nothing but the chains she’d shackled herself down with, and she’d keep herself there and it was as simple as that. What made it hard for her was that, she hadn’t even been able to see the obvious, or didn’t want to. It was safer to keep herself locked away in her doubt and self pity, than face real life, especially the one that stood before her. It wasn’t exactly how she would have envisaged it, instant family and all, but it was what she wanted and what she needed.
In that instant she made her decision. She turned to see Spike leaning against the change table with the biggest grin on his face, he was taking in the sight of the two of them, his arms were crossed and he looked like a very happy ‘pig in mud’. Buffy gently untwined her finger from the baby’s hand, letting the little hand rest on her tummy. She took a few steps away from the cot and moved towards him, where he entangled himself bodily around her just, hugging her close, kissing her lightly on the forehead. Buffy rested her head on his chest, turning her head slightly just to look at the sleeping form in the cot.
“She loves you, I can tell” Spike’s muffled voice came from the cap of her hair.
“And how would you know, mister?”
“What, besides being her dad and all?”
“Smart arse!”
“Smart, maybe? Arse, hmmmmmmm……..I’ll leave that up to you sweetheart!” Spike gently swatted her behind, “But no. She’ll only do that with people she loves.”
“What?”
“Wrap her fingers around yours. Funny kid, but she’ll only do it with certain people. Reck’on this little angel recognises another gentle soul when she sees one. Or maybe she’s just telling her old man not to let this one get away.” Spike tightened his hold on Buffy, “come on luv, time for you to go home, or your mum will get worried.”
“No.”
“No, what kind of answer is that luv?”
“No, as in I don’t want to leave.”
“But your mum, sweetheart, she’ll get worried!” Spike’s voice became laced with concern.
“Spike, if she wakes up and finds me gone, she only needs to guess once where I am, true? So I say ‘no’, because I want to stay……………stay the night.”
“Buffy…………..please luv, I don’t quite think that we ………….we…….. you……… are ready for that, sweetheart. We need to take things slowly, and comfortably, you know, be sure?”
“Spike, I know that I’m not ready for it all, but just because I cannot have the main course yet, doesn’t mean that I don’t want to nibble on the appetisers does it?”
Spike was a little taken back and elated at her words, he shot his head down as quickly as the words were out of her mouth, and stopped any more escaping out of it with his own kiss. He placed her arms around his neck, grasped her waist and physically lifted her out of the baby’s room and into the hallway. Pulling away for just a moment, he closed the door and returned to her. He seared her mouth with a blazing kiss, that heightened with their ever-growing need for one anther, it intensified with heat and desire as it grew in strength and momentum. Buffy could stand it no more, she pulled her head away from his to catch her breath, she looked and saw the clear burning naked desire for her in his eye’s.
“If I say ‘stop’ will you?”
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes” Her reply was so quiet, that it was as if the oxygen never passed her vocal cords.
“Then you have your answer.” With that Spike pulled away from her, took a step back, and put out a single arm extending it to her in invitation. She looked into those blue eye’s that were bursting to the seams with emotion, desire and need.
She took his hand, and let him lead her to his bedroom.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Both still fully clothed, he lay beside Buffy on his bed, snuggled next to her, letting her get comfortable with both of them being there. Slowly he passed his hand over her hair, giving her reassuring caresses, listening to her slow breathing. Every now and then he kissed her softly and tenderly on the mouth. He made no demands on her, he just allowed her to feel comfortable with what he was doing, previous times it had been the deep burn of desire that scared her off. However, this was more, it meant more to both of them, neither wanted to mess this up, and both were caught up in the luxury of just being together, making promises of the future together
Contentment rushed over Buffy, as Spike accepted what she was willing to give, it showed his level of commitment to her, and she knew he would keep his word. She could feel herself begin to want to experience more than just a few kisses, she wanted to feel his hands on her, she craved the touch of his hands on her flesh. Taking the initiative, she bent her neck up, and kissed his jaw, following the outline of the curve of the bone, tasting the grooves of his chin with her tongue. Spike moved his hand around to the base of her skull, he applied a touch of pressure to make her hold her head still, and moved his searching lips to her own. They opened their mouths to each other, and plunged into a deep and breath stopping kiss. They slowly glided along each other’s inner flesh, tasting each other’s breath and sounds of desire that permeated from their union.
They continued the exploration of their desire for each other, enjoying this moment in time. The expression of trust that Buffy was showing to Spike, elated his senses even further, heightening his pleasure and feelings of want for her. Buffy felt more life in this moment in time than she had for a long time. She was euphoric, not only from being with him, but the fact she could feel safe and loved at the same time. It was a second chance for both of them and they were revelling in it, they allowed their emotions to grow in intensity, and burn deep into their senses.
Buffy allowed herself to go that little further, despite the millisecond of fear she felt, she took Spike’s hand within her own and laid it bare on her breast. He pulled his head back, his eye’s filled with questions, worry that she was okay, and concern that he would scare her away. She could see him swallow deeply, his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down, and his eye’s brightened as she responded to his silent questions with a small smile, and a gentle kiss. She lightly applied pressure to the hand that held her breast, moving her hand, so his gently moulded her own flesh, she could hear his sharp intake of breath, as he took the hint.
They changed tempo, Spike moved his hand away after some time had passed, and Buffy hadn’t told him to cease his administrations to her body. He slowly drew his hand down her shirt, and lifted the hem up, running his hand along her abdomen, until it lay just under her bra. He watched the reaction on her face and in her eye’s, looking for any sign of fear or rejection. Instead, they blazed with the raw emotion of craving, and the yearning for more. Taking it slowly, he traced the outline of her bra with his index finger, as he bent down and kissed her, tracing her mouth with his tongue, imitating the movement of that of his finger. Opening her mouth to him once again she deepened the kiss, Spike pushed the fabric away from her breast, exposing it to his hand. He held the weight in his hand, feeling the shape, and the soft texture of her flesh. Running the peak between his fingers, he gently squeezed until it formed a stiff peak, Buffy responded with a hushed moan of pleasure, as she felt the coil within her tighten in reaction to him.
“Buffy tell me………..” Spike mumbled to her.
“No it’s all good! I’m okay………….please………I’m………….okay………so far.” Buffy’s words stumbled out of her mouth, she didn’t want it to stop just yet, it felt to good, and most importantly she felt alive!
Trying to stay within her comfort zone, Spike gently rolled her onto her back, he paused to see if she was still alright. She placed a hand on his jaw, running her thumb along his lips, until he took it into his mouth, suckling on it. Buffy felt a strike of burning desire race through her body, from the top of her head to the tips of her toes, a rush of air escaped her lungs, resulting in a ‘uuuuurrggghhhhh’ come from her lips.
Spike pulled the hem of her shirt slowly up, at the same time bending his body down to place kisses behind his hand, tickling her abdominal muscles as they tightened and contracted under his lips. Reaching down with both hands he undid her clasp, holding the wisps of fabric together, baring her breasts to his gaze. He tenderly massaged them, applying feather touch pressure to both peaks, watching her reaction to him in her eyes as they fired with hurtling desire.
Taking it one step forward he slid himself down her body, and lifted himself on his fore arms, he took one of the tips of the peaks into his mouth, and suckled it within the depth of his mouth, sending sparks of electricity down her energized nerve cells. He moved his mouth from breast to breast, giving equal time to each peak, stimulating every cell of her flesh, and giving reverence to every inch of skin within his reach.
Spike moved his hand down her abdomen, ceasing his movements at the tab of her pants, he suddenly stopped when Buffy abruptly grabbed his hair and pulled hard. Her face said enough for him to stop what he was doing, and gently pull her into his arms, he reclined back onto the bed, lifting her shirt over her exposed body. Spike lay himself next to her, and kissed her with such a gentle passion that it brought a single tear to her eye, it slid down her cheek and he followed it lapping up the water with butterfly kisses, until he had consumed all the sadness and fear it contained.
“It’s alright! You’re safe, I am never going to hurt you sweetheart, never. I promise you, never!”
“I know…..but I want…….”
“So do I Buffy, but one day at a time! Let’s make it last, let’s enjoy every moment we have like this. Until you’re ready.” Spike reassured the girl that lay in the bed beside him, “You know, waiting makes it even a more delectable sweet, it heightens the pleasure, and we could learn to draw it out for hours.”
“But what about you?”
“What about me? Buffy it doesn’t matter to me, having you here is one of the biggest turn ons I can have, hearing you moan under me makes me want you even more. But on your terms luv, or not at all. It’s no fun when only one’s having all the pleasure, and that we both had!”
“But you…” Buffy was cut off.
“But me nothing, I want you yes, but I want you to be with me 100%. Hearing you gasp, feeling you shudder under me, having you hold onto me for dear life. That’s more than enough for me.”
“But?”
“But nothing, end of conversation. Time for rest, relaxation and sleep.” Spike smoothed a hand over her head, “And whose bed will you be sleeping in tonight, Miss Goldilocks?”
“Papa Bear’s and that’s Ms Goldilocks to you thank you!” Buffy swatted Spike on the chest, joining in one his joke.
“What about your mum?”
“Like I said earlier, she knows where I am. It wouldn’t take Einstein to work that out!” Buffy bottom lip hit her chin, “Not tonight Spike, please let’s just enjoy tonight, and worry about it in the morning. Anyway mom has to get used to it, I think I’m going to be here a lot from now on!”
Spike gathered a blanket from the end of the bed, and attempted to cover them up, Buffy pulled it out of the way. Making her way out of the bed, she went to his draws, she pulled out an old black t-shirt, ~does he wear anything else! major shopping spree happening!~ she thought to herself, making her way to the en-suite, she shyly shut the door. Spike heard her throw something on the bathroom floor, mostly likely her clothes, and watched her emerge dressed in his shirt that just hugged her hips. Quickly she ran across the room, and dived under the covers. Taking her actions as a cue, Spike rumbled through his top draws looking for something to cover himself, finding only a pair of soft silk boxers that his mother sent him a million Christmas’ ago, he staggered into the en-suite himself, and put them on in a hurry. He slowly open the door, and walked out, opening the window to let the night breeze in, then he turned the remaining lamp off. Buffy howled in laughter as the light went off. Spike stood bathed in moonlight, shaking his head in bewilderment, as he struggled to understand what she found so funny.
“Look down at your boxer’s!!” Buffy said between howls of laughter.
An eerie glow filled the room from his boxer’s front, as words formed over the fabric……….
BITE ME
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