From Night to Day
Thanks to Kar for a great edit and her help as usual….and to my regular readers thanks…
Chapter Seventeen
Sanctuary
Part Two
Buffy wiped the tears that ran down her face away, as he placed a hand on her shoulder and turned her around. She still couldn’t meet his gaze, after everything that had passed between them, the one thing that she didn’t want to see was the disappointment in his face. She could have dealt with any accusations, but never disillusionment.
“Could they Buffy?” Spike asked her again. “Could they break what’s between us?”
“No!” The silence that followed echoed through out the room and was broken only by Imogens’ squeals as she played with her dinner. “I’m here to stay no matter what.”
‘Then look at me.” Spike spoke as he encircled her within his arms. “Look at me and tell me that!” She looked at him for a spilt second before retreating, only too stare at his shoulder, and was shocked at the fear that filled his eyes. The hesitancy of what she was feeling was so clear to see. With a sniffle she gathered the courage to look at him, as he responded by gently kissing her upper lip, just a soft caress of his mouth on hers trying to reassure Buffy of his commitment to her. “I want and need you so much!”
“Just as I need you!” Buffy looked at him finally. “Nothing is going to change that! You can be sure of that!”
“But you don’t want me to meet your friends is that it?” Spike asked her again.
“I do, it’s just that I don’t know if I want to share you, us just yet.”
“Share us?”
“You are my sanctuary in this world, the place I come to rest and take refuge from the outside world.” Buffy told him, looking so vulnerable and fragile.
“Buffy that I maybe, but there’s a big wide world out there, and we are in it together. This house and I are not another world. It’s not a place to run too when the big bad world rears its ugly head.” Spike shook his head, “I am not an escape for anyone Buffy. I don’t use you as an escape when I need to run from the reality of the world. I’ve done enough of that already in one lifetime!”
“Already?” Buffy looked questioningly at him.
“Yeah Luv. Remember car accident, dead wife and raising my kid alone.” Spike let her go and walked back into the kitchen as he took up his knife again, to resume cutting up the vegetables on the table.
“Oh god!” Buffy quickly moved to stand behind him. “I’m sorry...” She moved her arms around his torso, hugging him to her as closely as she could. “So sorry,” Buffy felt like she’d just kicked him in the guts. Sometimes she totally forgot the first few weeks he was here and the total sense of devastation that had clouded around him, when he moved in. She’d been so caught up in her own self, that she forgot just what a mess he’d been in, and surely what a relief she must have been too him. She’d been the key for his release from his own hell, just as he had been hers, their joined lives had given her a new life that she forgot the past. He must think about her now and then but how could she be so stupid to think otherwise? His constant reminder sat in the playpen, playing with her toys and gurgling with a smile when she caught one of the adults’ attention.
“I’m a ‘bad rude girl’” Buffy spoke quietly as she tried to reassure him. “A bad rude girl, that loves you and Imogen. I’m just a little confused with the whole ‘my friends’ bit. But I am here with you because I need you just as much as you need me! No one or nothing is ever going to change that!”
Spike stopped chopping the minute she said the word ‘love’, as it melted his heart and defences like it always did. He could never resist her once she said that word, and he could almost forgive her anything, as hard as she was making it, he could understand her reasoning a little. As much as it cut through him that, she wasn’t sure if she wanted him to meet her friends, he would have to eventually and they’d have to accept him, warts and all. He was not giving her up for anything or anyone, his streak of possessiveness ran deep within him, he remembered the depths of it when he smashed into the college boy with his fists.
He looked at his daughter playing blissfully in ignorance as to what was going on between the adults, Imogen was the most important piece in this whole puzzle, he couldn’t do anything without considering her, ever. Yet he needed to know that they both meant as much to Buffy as Imogen and herself meant too him. He wasn’t going to press her into a deeper commitment yet with her being so young, but he needed it. Needed too be sure that she would always be there. He turned around and faced her, his gaze strong with emotion and need, as he gently pushed her away from him a little.
“Call you’re mum.”
“Why?”
“Just call her and tell her that you won’t be home tonight.”
“She already knows that I won’t be home for dinner,” Buffy replied.
“No tell her that you’re staying tonight, here with me.”
“But I always go home on a Friday night?”
“Buffy, I want you here tonight with me and Imogen. In my bed tonight where you belong.” He spoke with such force and need that she couldn’t help but breakaway from him and pick up the phone and dial home.
He went back to cooking their evening meals, he knew he’d pushed the issue but he wanted her here tonight, and if he truly had his way he would have her here every night. He sometimes lay in his bed during the week yearning for her, wanting to creep over next-door and sneak into her window to have her in her bed. Spike listened as she told her mother that she was staying tonight and the rest of the weekend, and that ‘yes all her assignments where finished’ and that she would be over ‘sometime to see her’. Buffy fiddled with the cord that hung between the cradle and base of the phone, a clear sign that her mother was putting up some resistance. Yet it would seem that he would have his way and have her over tonight. It was a beginning and it would have to satisfy his need for now.
“Okay I’m staying tonight.” Buffy put the phone down on the cradle and returned to stand beside him. “I have to see mom tomorrow and I need to get some things.”
“Fine,” was all he said in reply.
Silence covered the room between the two as he continued to prepare the meal, as Buffy retreated to sit on a chair next to Imogen, and began to clean up some of the mess that the youngster was creating from her dinner. Spike watched her as she went about her task, a little sad that she felt the way she did, he’d hoped that she would have jumped at the chance to introduce him to her friends. He could understand some of her reluctance, but he was greatly concerned over her fear about introducing him to her friends and not telling them about Imogen. His baby was part of the package, and one that she had to accept about him, and the impact that it had on their relationship. Imogen was one of the most important things in his life, and the thought that she had any reservations about any aspect of that disturbed him.
Was he being too demanding in expecting this from her? Spike had hoped that as their relationship grew in strength and longevity, that she would assume more responsibility towards the growth and development of his little girl. In the long term, he supposed he hoped that she would accept a nurturing role in her life, and eventually take on the mothering role. He’d seen her move somewhat into that role as she played and socialised with his daughter, he knew that she wasn’t ready to be the girls ‘mother’. Yet as his partner he hoped that she would see that he encouraged her to develop her relationship with Imogen.
Was he expecting too much from her, a woman of eighteen to take on such a role? He swallowed hard at the reality that maybe she didn’t want to have such a strong bond with Imogen, but it was something that he was counting on. That the bond with Imogen would tie her more strongly to him, and cement their relationship. He also recognised that she was sacrificing a lot to be with them in her free time, that they couldn’t do the ‘normal’ things that a couple her age would be doing. Maybe he needed to make sure that she did things a girl her age should be doing, or he thought she should be doing, especially remembering what he did at her age. Going out and having fun with her friends on the weekend, parties and exploring new things.
As time passed he finished their meal and placed it in front of her where she sat, she’d been watching him serve the meal up on the bench and had sat forward, waiting for him to serve it to her. He placed the other plate he held on the next seating place, and sat down as she placed cutlery in front of him that had sat on the table ready for them, but never set. She watched as he picked up the fork and began to eat the meal. His silence was eating away at her, Spike was one never to be silent as he sat down to a meal. It only made her more on edge and angry with herself that things had disintegrated between them tonight.
She turned in her chair slightly towards him, and took his hand that lay on his lap; he immediately put his fork down and looked at her. With still no words coming from her, she raised his hand to her mouth and placed a soft kiss on his hand, and turned it over and did the same. She looked into his gaze with a lost look of sadness, which within contained her feeling of desolation. Buffy watched as he pulled his eyebrows together and closed his eyes at her obvious pain, the harsh expelling of his breath showed his frustration. He took the hand that held his and brought it to his cheek; still with eyes closed he turned his face into her palm, as ran her hand along his cheek, at times placing a butterfly kiss onto her palm, as it brushed past his mouth.
Finally, he opened his eyes, as he couldn’t bare the silence between them any longer, they’d both moved so far away from the desolation that had held them suspended within their lives before they’d meet each other. Both had invested so much in each other and themselves to let it crumble beneath them for such a stupid reason. It also opened up the question how would she react when he wanted the same from her. At some point, she would have to enter his social circle and he didn’t want her to have any hesitation when she took her first step into it. There would be social events that would require his presence, especially University functions and he fully intended to have her by his side, clear for the world to see that she was his.
So it would seem that the hurdles within their relationship where begin to pop up into their relationship. Yet he knew that he would do anything to make it as smooth a path for them as possible, he had no intension on letting his second chance at life go. He lent over and kissed her gently on her lips, pulling back he slightly smiled, pulling the strand of hair that had fallen on her face. She weakly returned his smile, even though it was clearly cracked and frail.
“Please Luv, don’t fret. We’ll sort it out.” Spike spoke trying to reassure her.
“Okay,” was all she was capable of uttering.
Both went back to eating or rather picking at the food that remained on their plates, round and around in circles it went on the plate. They sat their until Imogen had eaten as much as she was going to, and throwing the rest on the floor, trying to make the important people in her life smile at her antics, even though she seemed to do an abysmal job. Finally, Spike picked up his daughter from her high chair and rested her on his hip as he walked into the kitchen for a dishcloth to clean up the mess that she had left behind. Buffy watched as he went into the kitchen, as she got up to get the broom from near the back door top sweep up Imogens mess, he moped up the mess the best he could with the cloth missing large spots. Buffy motioned for him to leave the cleaning up to her and take Imogen upstairs for her bath and bed time, she knew that after that point she just didn’t know where their night was going.
He’d said to her that he wanted her to spend the night where she belonged ‘in his bed’, but tonight had been their first she supposed argument and she just wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do. Did he expect her too eventually go upstairs to their bed of her own accord and wait for his reaction, or sit downstairs until he eventually took her to bed. She swallowed hard, he’d never shown such a possessive streak when there had just been the two of them, yet she wasn’t afraid just a little unsure of it. He’d shown such needed for her tonight in some moments that was strangely reassuring to her, his needed for her too say that she was his was illuminating in showing what a strong hold she had in his life.
Taking the initiative she walked out of the kitchen turning off all the lights as she went, she could see the clock on the wall display the time at 8.17pm. She turned her face upstairs as she heard him bath Imogen and the games he was entertaining the youngster with. Buffy walked along the hallway until she came into the master bedroom and turned on the lamps, giving the room a soft glow. Walking back into the hallway she walked into the nursery, turning on the light so as too illuminate the hallway so Spike could find his way back, and put his daughter to bed. Hopefully at the same time realise what awaited him in the master bedroom.
Returning to the master bedroom, she rummaged through her side of the closet until she found exactly what she was looking for. Taking them out she went into the en suite to shower and change into something she hoped would make him stand there agog as he saw her. Spike could hear the water running in his bed room as he dried Imogen from her bath and carried her into the hallway, he could not notice that all the house lights were off bar two, Imogens room and the master bedroom. Quietly he walked across to the nursery, put his daughter into her pyjamas, and placed her into her cot. He watched as she began to settle down for the night, yet his mind couldn’t wounder what in hell was going on in his bedroom.
He could only speculate that Buffy had decided to move things into the bedroom, he shook his head at what he thought might be her attempt to placate him with sex. She still had some things to learn about him, and one of those was as much as he loved being with her he would never accept her into his bed if she thought that she could manipulate him through sex. With a deep breath he walked out of Imogens room until he stood at the bedroom door, he pushed the door to find Buffy standing at the window pulling back the curtain to let the moonlight penetrate the room and illuminate her to his sight. His lips opened slightly at the sight that stood before him, as Buffy slowly turned around.
She stood in a sheer black baby doll nightie and stockings that he’d brought her that day in the mall, the moonlight didn’t hide any of her beauty as he could see every inch of her skin that peered through the fabric. She quietly sauntered towards him as her bare feet moved along the carpet.
“Buffy…”
“Shhh,” Buffy stopped in front of him as she pulled his face down for a kiss. “I’m where you want me. I want to show you how much I want you. How much I need you.”
“Buffy,” Spike spluttered. “Sex isn’t the answer to a disagreement.”
“I…” Buffy pulled back from him in astonishment. “This isn’t about tonight! This is about you and me. This is about us, me wanting to be with you!” She quickly withdrew further into the room and grabbed her dressing gown that had sat on the dresser chair. Buffy quickly pulled it around her, covering herself from his sight.
“Is it?”
“You said that you wanted me her in your bed where I belonged!”
“You’ve never initiated our making love before Buffy,” Spike said matter of fact. “So why now? It seems such a coincidence?”
“So you’re saying that only you can make the first move? That’s chauvinistic Spike!”
“No I’m not Buffy! I’m stating fact!” he walked further into the room and stood before her. “I just want to know that this isn’t about making things up too me about our disagreement or you manipulating or placating me with sex Buffy!”
“How can you say that!” Buffy turned her hand towards his face, “God you can be a pig!” Spike grabbed her hand before her hand connected with his cheek, he pulled her close to his body as she tried to get her hand lose form his. He wound his other hand around her waist to hold her to him, “Let me go!”
“Tell me that this not because of the argument! Tell me that you’re here because you want me! That you want to feel me inside you and feel us as one!” Spike pulled her as close as he could to his body as he ground his erection into her and made obvious to her his desire for her. “That you love me, want me and need me!”
“I’ve already told you that I want and need you! Fuck Spike, are you thick!” Buffy tried to pull away from him. “What am I supposed to do? Wait for your majesty to always tell me when you want to fuck me!”
“We don’t fuck Buffy! We never have!” Spike was taken aback by her language, it was not what he expect to hear from her and he didn’t like it, not one bit. “We make love Buffy!”
“How would I know the difference Spike? For all I know this is just a fuck for you!”
“Buffy where in bloody hell did this come from?” Spike looked at her with a quizzical frown. “Do you want to know what a fuck is Buffy? Do you?” He bodily picked her up, grasping her hips onto his own as he forced her to hold onto him, as he quickly moved forwards and slammed her onto the wall. He untied her dressing gown and pulled it apart, grasping the fragile fabric of the nightie he pulled onto it as it tore under his grip, baring her breasts to him. He swiftly to one of her breasts into his mouth as he roughly sucked on the peak and bit it softly, his free hand grasped her panties at the side and tried to tear it apart. Buffy pushed at his shoulders as his assault upon her began to frighten her, even in his dark passion he could hear her pleas for him to stop.
He raised his head to see her tears streak her cheeks and the fear in her eyes, he immediately released her from his grip. He stumbled backwards until his feet felt the back of their bed, he feel backwards onto it clutching his hands to his face in disbelief at what he had done. “Buffy I’m sorry.” He couldn’t look at her and see what he’d done to her. “Buffy please, I’m sorry. Please don’t be afraid...” He got up, but still didn’t look at her as he left the room. She watched him walk to the guest room, open the door and close it behind him, as she wiped the tear that ran down her cheek. She walked to the bed and lay down on it, she closed her mind to the world around her but she couldn’t block out the sobs that she heard come from the guest room. Buffy closed her eyes as she curled herself into a ball and allowed the tears to overcome her, and after along time thankfully sleep.
She dreamed of days filled with joy with him and Imogen, nights filled with passion and love and the nightmare of Riley. Around and around they played in her mind until her ultimate nightmare, Spike became Riley as he tore at her clothes as she begged him to stop. She struggled against the dream until she woke up in damp sheets from the sweat that covered her body. The images that filled her dreams flowed through her mind, she shivered at her subconscious comparing Spike to Riley, and it made her feel like she wanted to vomit. Deep down she knew that his reaction tonight had come from a dark side of him that he’d never revelled to her before, one that she knew he’d never release on purpose. The person she saw was not the Spike she knew, and his immediate reaction after it confirmed it, he was sickened by his own actions. Not wanting to ever feel this fear of any man again, she took the strength she’d found in herself through him, and decided to do the only thing that she could. Confront him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Spike lay in the guest room sickened and disheartened, he lay quietly for hours still in his rumpled clothing, just laying there waiting for her to leave the house, but she never did. He could see that she still had the lights on in the bedroom as a soft light penetrated from under the doorframe. The night had just gone for bad to worse, he knew that all his actions had be unfounded and unforgiving, he rightly fucked up badly. Spike desperately wanted to go back to her, hold her as she lay in their bed and comfort her, but he knew that this was just wishful thinking. Some where deep inside he wished that she had left the house, because wanting to hold her wouldn’t be an option and at least if she left he knew that she was angry with him. Yet with her lying in the next room he could only guess at what she was thinking, and that was what so hard to try to imagine at this time. He turned over in the bed, punching into the pillow in frustration as he heard a soft cry from the hallway, with a lot of effort he placed his feet on the ground and got out of the bed.
Walking into the hall he went into Imogens’ room as her cries intensified into howls, he picked her up from her cot, and lifted her to his nose. Her needs were obvious, as he placed on the change table and attended to her, but she continued to cry with hunger. Spike peered through the door to find the master bedroom door still closed, he made his way down to the kitchen to prepare a bottle for her. Placing it into the microwave, he waited for the milk to heat up, murmuring to Imogen and gently stroking her head he tried to soothe her with soft words. He never saw the figure stand in the shadows watching his back as he stood in front of the microwave, tenderly attending to his child.
Buffy felt her insides hurt at this display between father and daughter, Spike was so complicated, images flowed through her mind of him, as father, friend and lover, but this was one that always affected her the most. He always seemed to let everything go when he was just with Imogen, she knew that he was slowly letting her invade every part of his life, his daughter included. She reflected on how he must have felt when he learnt that she hadn’t told her friends about Imogen, she imagined it would have been devastating as his daughter was the central focus in his world. Even if she left, Imogen would always be there. Buffy swallowed hard as she realised the extent of the devastation she must have caused him.
One strong truth here was he had become the centre of her world, and Imogen was a part of him, an extension of him. She’d always accepted that, but why she’d never acknowledged her to her friends was a terrible mistake, a mistake that she intended to rectify as soon as she could, and whether they accepted that or not was up to them. Buffy had a more important thing to do in the here and now, try and regain ground over what had been lost between them last night. Walking out of the shadows as the microwave pinged she watched as he struggled with his distressed daughter and trying to retrieve the bottle from where it stood.
“Give Imogen to me,” Buffy now stood behind him, holding her hands out to take the child. She saw the ruddy look of his eyes and the grey shadows that lay under them, and the look of shock was clearly written on his face. Without any hesitation, his handed Imogen over to her.
Taking her from him, she sat herself down onto the nearest chair and began too gently rock the youngster on her lap, softly talking to her with soothing words. Imogen laid her head onto her shoulder, gulping in deep breaths between cries of hunger, Buffy stroked her hand over her back and head. Spike tested the heat of the drink and as he approached them with the bottle, he sat in the opposite chair with his hands out ready to take Imogen back to feed her. Buffy shook her head, lifted Imogen into a laying position in her lap, and took the bottle from him, offering it to the child that lay within her arms.
Spike sat back into the chair, his arms lay in his lap as he finally allowed himself to properly look at her as she feed Imogen, and he saw that she had on one of his black t-shirts beneath the dressing gown that she’d earlier been wearing. He could hear Imogen noisily suck on the bottle and the rush of air between gulps, he watched as Buffy turned the bottle occasionally and change the angle she held it at as Imogen feed. Finally, his daughter finished the bottle, Buffy placed the bottle on the table and handed Imogen back to Spike so that he could pat and rub her back to burp her. She got out of her chair, moving into the kitchen to rinse the bottle, she heard Spike get out of his chair and walk out of the room. His steps on the staircase softly echoed through out the house.
She gathered all the strength that she had, as she quickly followed in his footsteps back up to the nursery, she waited patiently at the doorframe as she watched him put Imogen back to bed and settle her in. She still stood there as he tried to leave the room, he wouldn’t meet her gaze she could feel the guilt and sorrow pouring from him. She let him slightly pass her as she grabbed his hand and halted his further passage out; leading him by the hand, she walked them back into the master bedroom. She brought them to a standstill in front of the bed, she turned to face him and began to undress him. He did nothing to help her, just looked at her as she went about what she was doing, his shirt was pulled from his body, and his trouser undone and slide down his hips as she completed her task. Undoing the dressing gown she stood beside him just in the t-shirt and panties.
Getting into the bed she moved to her side, pulled back the covers and got under them, drawing the bed covers down she put out her hand in invitation to him. Accepting, he moved onto and beneath the sheets on the bed, he came to lie on his side facing her. Buffy moved closer to him as she drew him into her embrace and slid closer to his body, she rested her hand over his and drew it around her waist, leaving her hand to rest on his on waist.
“Sleep,” was her only word that broke the heavy silence between them.
He closed his eyes at her command and let the tension that had come to rack his body flow from him, he felt her shift slightly as he felt her lips gently brush his own. Still unable to open his eyes, he returned the soft gesture with his own, pulling her as close as he could too himself. With a sense of great relief, he could feel himself give into sleep as he heard her final words.
“No matter what happens, you and Imogen are my world. Let nothing come between us, ever Spike. You are my sanctuary.”
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