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Chapter Six
A/N Thanks to Darcy and Kirsty for great beta work...

Shadows in the Sun

Buffy sat in her room, trying desperately to write her paper that was due next week, with little composing happening. The day’s events at college had wiped out any chance of that. She played the incidents over and over again in her mind, just trying to make sense of them. The obvious clincher had been the kiss, it had thrown her into a tail spin, and she just couldn’t believe that she’d allowed him to do it. She should have at least hit him once on the nose, and mess that pretty face of his. The gall of the man was just too much, and what in hell’s name was he doing at the college today?


The kiss had burned through her protective wall, which she had put around herself the last year, crumbling every brick to rubble, and making dust out of her guarded heart. She had to stop denying that she felt absolutely nothing for him, and that she’d been kidding herself that she was an emotionless entity. What a wake up call it had been. She was so overwhelmed with these emotions, that she felt she was drowning in them, suffocating as she tried to free herself from her denial. She finally had to admit to herself, that she was doing something that she never would have imagined 12 months ago.


She was falling in love again.


But after last year, she didn’t and hadn’t wanted too, and to make things worse, it was always with the ‘impossible male’. Spike was older, a father and totally not her type. But then again she’d fallen for the college boy and look where that got her. Abused, emotionally tarnished, and unable to or more to the point unwilling to open herself to anyone. She just didn’t want these feelings messing up her life, not now, and not ever.


But they were a reality, they were here and they were real, as much as she tried to bury, deny or ignore them. They were here and were here to stay, ready, willing or not. She realised they’d crept up on her, and were crying to be released and realised. Her body had burned entwined with his, craved him, and needed him more than she had realised. There was a decision to be made, and that was what she was going to do about it? Would she bury them deep in her heart, or would she allow them to become corporeal and breathe life back into her un-beating heart?


She’d been stumbling in the dark for so long. Could she come back into the sun, or maybe just sit in the shadows for a while? Taste the beauty of the moment, and lounge in the protection it offered, before she dared take that step back into the daylight, so to speak. She had questions, and answers, but just didn’t know if she wanted to think about it too much.


Why did life have to be so complicated?


Maybe it was time just to take that one step forward, but did she want to take it with him? That alone was enough to have her petrified in the darkness. He would expect more than any college boy………………….


Commitment. Total devotion. Surrogate mom?? Love and sex.


She had no trouble with the, commitment and devotion, as she knew he would give nothing else but that, and demand it in return. But ‘Mom Buffy’, she wasn’t so sure about, she was only 18. How on earth was she expected to do that job? She had enough trouble changing a nappy for goodness sake. Her mind had trouble getting around the love and sex bit, which was something that she wanted to, put in the ‘too hard basket’. She just didn’t know if she was ready to give either. She didn’t deny that he was every woman’s fantasy, but actually giving herself to another, she just didn’t know if she was ready.


With that thought, she could feel part of the wall rebuild itself, and she heard somewhere deep inside her scream in fear. Fear of being lock up for all eternity. Fear of dying in the darkness…


She just continued to stare at the computer screen in front of her, it was a lost cause, and she was never going to get anything done, she was too caught up in her thoughts. Giving up, she slammed the ‘off’ button, and stomped out of her room, down the stairs. She went into the kitchen to get something to drink and to ease the on coming headache, when the door bell chimed.


“I’ll get it!” Dawn screamed from somewhere inside of the house, followed by a loud “Hey Spike, Imogen, come in!”


‘Oh my god!’ went straight through Buffy’s head, along with a streak of throbbing pain as the headache took residence in her brain. She didn’t need the confrontation, not tonight, any night, but not tonight. But it would appear that the unavoidable was about to make itself known.


“Bufffyyyyyyyyyy!!!” Dawn screamed up the stairs, thinking her sister would be up in her room.


“I’m in here Dawn” there was no point hiding, and he knew she was home.


“Hey sis, Spike wants to talk to you.” Dawn located her sister in the kitchen with Imogen on her hip. The little girl gurgled her delight, at the peek-a-boo game Dawn was playing with her, “And he wants me to mind Imogen for a while, what gives?”


“I have absolutely no idea. Did he say he wanted to speak to me?” Buffy asked as innocently as possible, trying not to give much away of the churning thoughts in her mind, and shattered nerves that make her feel nauseated.


“No, he asked to speak to Elvis!”


“I thought Billy was more his style?”



“Buffy…” Dawn giggled at Buffy’s bout of sarcasm, “He wants to speak to you about something, and he’s acting all weird. Did you do something?”


“No,” Buffy commented just a little too quickly for her sisters liking.


“If you didn’t, then what’s his problem?”


“And I am meant to know, by some strange eerie force what his problem is?”


“Okay, don’t get all ‘gurhhhh’ on me!”


With that, Dawn took Imogen out of the kitchen and the direction of her bedroom, leaving Buffy in the kitchen by herself and with Spike leaning up against the door frame. Buffy had yet to notice him, as she had her head in the fridge, trying to decide what to drink, trying to talk her mind momentarily off the here and now. Picking up a glass bottle, she turned, and was caught out by Spike’s presence; she dropped the bottle, its contents smashing on the floor.


“Sorry luv didn’t mean to scare you.” Spike walked over to clean up the mess, grabbing a tea towel from the sink to mop the mess up. Leaving a red faced Buffy standing in the midst of it, just too confused to do anything but just stand in the middle of the sticky river.


After mopping it up the best he could, he took her hand and walked her out of the kitchen into the back yard. Directing her to the two wooden lounging chairs, sitting her down in the first one they came across, and promptly sat in the other.


“We need to talk Buffy.”


“About what?”


“We kissed Buffy.”


“Spike its late, can we please do this another night, please!!! I am so not in the mood for this right now!” Buffy crossed her arm on her chest refusing to even look at him.


“In the mood or not luv, we are going to talk about it!”


“Do I have to repeat myself yet again, ‘I don’t want to hear it!!?’ Are you deaf or something, I already told you that today” Buffy raised her head and her voice.


“Can you sing me a new bit, that’s gone stale pet?”


“AAAArrrghhhhhhh, you are so frustrating! You tell me something so profound, you ignore me, and then you grab me and…...and….and” Buffy was lots for words.



“Kissed you so good it burned?”


“Yes….I mean no.” Buffy stumbled on her response, “I definitely mean no! And you instantly regretted it anyway?”


“No I didn’t Buffy. I was sorry that I did it in front of a whole class of freshman!” Spike got out of his chair, lent over the arm of her chair, and stared straight into her eyes, “Instead of doing it somewhere private, so we could have continued until it consumed us!”


“You don’t mean that!”


“I don’t know why, but I do! You are not what I should want, who I should be with, and definitely not what I expected!”


“You hold yourself in such high esteem!”


Spike just laughed, “You got me wrong! Buffy your 18 years old, a student and you shouldn’t be with a man that’s old enough to be your fathers youngest brother, a single dad or as damaged as me. You should be with a young man, enjoying college life and planning your future. Not a ready assembled family at your age.”


Buffy could hear so much pain in his speech, the conflict that he must be feeling about her and what he thought she really needed. But she heard the deep need within him that was calling out to her, wanted her and desired her. How could she deny it when she was doing it herself, calling out for someone to connect with her, and that someone was him.
Yet his little lecture about her ideal mate, made old dark images, fears and blackened realities come to the surface of her reality. And they took hold of her, as she retaliated against him……………………..


“What would you know? What makes you an expert in what I need? Who are you to tell me what I need, who I should be with, and what to do with my future?” Buffy felt like smacking him across the face, “Who the fuck do you think you are?”



“Buffy please!!!”


“Well let me tell you a few home truths, ‘Mr I Bloody Well Know Everything!!!’” Buffy’s anger was so strong she shook with it, “I’ve dated ‘Mr Nice College Guy’ and you wanna know where it got me. It got me nearly date raped, okay! ‘Mr Nice College Guy’ thought ‘no’ means ‘yes’, that tearing my clothes off as he hit me, would be a fun game. The fact that my friends heard me scream, was the only thing that saved me. But not only that, I had to live with the humiliation of having my best friend having to see me like that, having to take me home and clean me up. To the having Mr College Guy, you know the one you want me with, telling the whole college that, he got lucky, and what a lousy lay……”



Buffy stopped mid sentence, without realizing it she’d told him everything, every last detail, and she felt …………….exposed. She felt sick, ‘~oh my god, what have I
done? ~’, she went as pale as a ghost and looked like she was about to pass out.


“Buffy, I’m sorry luv. Are you alright? Do you want me to get Dawn?”


“No, no Dawn. She doesn’t know, they don’t know?”


“Why the bloody hell not?,” then the realisation hit on him, “You didn’t report it did you?”


“No, I couldn’t, I just couldn’t”


“Buffy you should have, or at least told someone?”


“No!”


Spike was at a loss, an absolute loss, at what to say or do. She was hurting big time, and what does he do, come onto her like a bull in a china shop. Buffy just seemed to stop for a moment in time, as if frozen in unwanted memories, locked inside somewhere deep within.


“Spike, it’s okay, it was ages ago, and I don’t want to talk about it ok, please!” Buffy asked of Spike.


“Buffy you should…….”


“Spike I said end of conversation, please!”


“Okay. But if you need me you know where I am?”


“Spike can you do me a favour?”


“Anything Buffy?” Spike stood and bowed at her, trying to inject some humour back into the conversation, “I am your willing slave, madam?”


“Would you just hold me for a while, please?”


With that Spike stood up straight, motioned for her to stand up, gathering her near to him, he turned her around so she was at the front, and sat down on the chair. Pulling her down onto his lap, enveloping her into his arms, offering her warmth and comfort, they just sat there giving each other strength.


Neither could deny it any longer, despite everything they wanted and needed each other. All the darkness that filled their lives could no longer be lived in, the comfort that they had found in them had been stifling, denying them to be able to grow and move on.


Spike brushed her arm with his hand, running it up and down, brushing it with his finger tips, for what seemed an eternity. Until she leant in closer, and tilted her head back, feeling his hand come to the back of her jaw, she closed her eyes and opened her lips to receive his own.


Gently they expressed their combined needs in their kiss, lips brushing over each other, just touching, showing their fragile states. Not demanding, just giving reassurance to each other and gentle persuasion to allow the kiss to deepen. Slowly and tenderly Spike increased the pressure of his mouth on hers, tasting her as he ran his tongue over her lips. Just allowing the tip to touch her, learning her shape and tang of her essence he found. The feel of him on her lips made Buffy shiver to her core, she trusted him completely to allow her the space she needed, and to accept what she was willing to give at this point.


As time passed, he invaded her totally, sweeping fully into her mouth, opening it fully to him. She found her hands tightening onto his arms that held her to him, leaning deeper into his embrace and she let herself get lost in the moment. Spike felt the moment she surrendered, as she began to return his kiss, allowing her own exploration of his lips, and as she tightened her embrace of him. She showed her trust in him, and her acceptance of him. He closed his eyes and gave himself up to his passion…………..


Buffy pulled away the moment that his hand touched her breast, pushing her way out of the chair, she just turned and stared at him. The fear in her eyes struck him like lightening, leaving him with emotional burn marks. He couldn’t believe his stupidity of what he’d done after what she’d told him, and not controlling himself. Obviously Buffy would have to guide him to what she would and wouldn’t allow.


“Buffy?”


“I’m sorry Spike….I’m……..I’m just….I’m just not able to…I mean.”


“It’s okay sweetheart, what ever you want,” with that Spike stood and encircled her into his arms. Just holding her, brushing her flyaway hair back behind her ears, kissing her on the forehead. He saw Dawn come outside the back door in a rush.


“Buffy! Moms home! Quick!” she stopped dead spotting the two in their embrace, “Spike!”


The two jumped away from each other as they heard the jeep come around the side of the house, and their mom get out of the car. She was home early for a change, and totally unexpected at this time.

“Hello kids…….Spike.” Joyce looked at the three just standing in the backyard, “Have I missed a neighbourhood meeting?”


“NO!” all three replied to Joyce’s enquiry.


“Okay, so have I missed something at all?”


“No Mom, Spike just brought himself and the baby over. I invited them to dinner if that’s okay?” Buffy asked her mum, trying to make up a plausible excuse for his presence.


“That’s nice of you Buffy. In that case Spike, you can help me unload the car with the shopping”


Spike accepted his task with no question, leaving the two sisters together, a dangerous combination.


“You two were kissing!”


“Please Dawn, please don’t tell mom!”


“Hmmmm it’s going to cost you”


“Please Dawn!”


“Okay I won’t tell mom, but I want details!”


“Alright, but later?”


“I can’t wait to her your excuse for this one!” with that Dawn went back into the house.


Buffy turned to look at Spike helping her mother. ‘~what the hell have I done!~’, she thought to herself. All the self-doubt and fear began to creep back into her mind, trying to over take her newfound feelings. She was absolutely lost in herself…………….



As the war contained within her had begun.





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