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Chapter Seven

Lost In Regret


Dinner was an affair to remember. Sitting across from him at dinner, Buffy couldn’t look him in the eye, not even once. She refused to meet his worried glances at her, full of need to know that she was okay and didn’t regret what had happened between them. But it was clear to him that she did. Her mannerisms told the truth of the matter. Even Dawn’s kicks under the table couldn’t detract Buffy from looking at her, or Spike. Buffy looked either at her mother or her food all night. Even Joyce had picked up on her daughter’s disinterest in the meal, and the company at the table.

“Buffy dear, are you feeling alright?” A concerned mother asked her daughter.

“Yeah mom, I’m just not hungry.”

“Is something wrong sweetheart? Has something happened?”

With this question from her mother, Buffy couldn’t help but look at him. She saw the hurt that lay within his eyes. Her mother caught the obvious interplay between the two at the table, and became greatly concerned about both of them. Something was going on between the two, that was obvious, but what Joyce didn’t have a clue.

“No mom, may I be excused please?” Buffy asked of her mother.

“Yes, but are you sure that you’re okay?”

“Yeah mom, I just need to go to bed I think, and have an early night.”

“Buffy it’s only 8.30! You never go to bed before 11.00!” Dawn joined in the conversation, knowing exactly why her sister was trying to escape.

“Will you just leave it!!” Buffy retorted.

“Okay, okay, sorry!” Dawn tried to retreat from the stare of her sister.

“Alright girls!! Buffy before you leave say goodnight to our guests.” Joyce requested.


“Good night Spike” Buffy looked at him for a second, giving all her attention to Imogen instead, she brushed the baby’s hair back, and kissed her goodnight, “Sleep well angel”.

With that Buffy began the retreat up to her room, in an attempt to get as far away as she could, from the cause of her regret. Closing the door behind her, she shut herself from everything and everyone out in the world, and entered into the safe haven of her room. A place she could think about everything that had happened to her, what had happened today, and what was going to happen in the future.

The gambit of emotions swelled over her as she lay on her bed. She thought about the incident with Riley, all those months ago, telling Spike about it tonight, and what impact their passionate kiss had upon her. She just felt so mixed up about everything; had never felt so lost within herself, and it was getting worse everyday. But the worst thing she felt was the regret she felt about kissing him, but it wasn’t the type of regret that she knew she should be feeling.

It was regret that she couldn’t continue.

She’d let her fear control her for so long, that rejecting a man had become second nature, and when she’d pulled away from Spike, it had been the part of her that had been attacked cringing inside her. That was what she regretted, not being able to truly enjoy the kiss, his touch and his obvious attraction to her. Deep down she’d already acknowledged her desire for him, despite whatever obstacles may present themselves in front of them, she wanted him. More than wanted him, she desired him and was beginning to feel deep emotions for him.

And he’d called himself ‘damaged’, what a fine pair they’d make, she was just as ‘damaged’.

Buffy realised that it would take patience and trust from both of them to have any chance. It was time to confront the emotions, that had controlled her life for so long. Memories of that night in Spike’s bedroom came hurtling back, his pain and sorrow echoing in her thoughts, as she planned her freedom. These memories put a screaming stop on any plan to get involved with him. A few months ago he was so overwhelmed with his grief, that it had consumed him before her very eyes, and now he was kissing her with such a passion that it had burned her.

How can someone have such conflicting emotions? She thought that she was emotionally stunted, and he had just seemed to move on too quickly for her liking. Buffy shook her head, as all these ideas swirling around in her head. Her mind screamed with all the conflicting emotions, all she wanted was to move forward, too move away from the bleak darkness that had ruled her for so long, and had held her back. She wanted to be free from this rollercoaster ride, it made her sick of this life, never standing still, with it hurtling up and down everyday.

So she made a decision. A decision she hoped that she’d never live to regret, and something she was going to fight her being for…


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Spike helped Joyce clear the table. After Buffy’s defection the conversation had become even more stagnated, silence had hung in the air between all those left at the table. Dawn had quickly departed after her sister, hiding in the lounge room to play with Imogen, to avoid any awkwardness that remained after her sister’s departure. The two in the kitchen discussed everything from the weather, to new nappy rash powders on the market, but the chit chat came to an end, as Joyce made it clear she wanted to discuss something serious with Spike.

“Spike, I think it’s time that we had a talk, don’t you think?”

“About what ?” Spike tried to keep it as friendly as he could.

“I think that’s obvious young man!”

“Ummmm Joyce, I think that you’d better just tell me what on earth you are talking about?”

“Well as if you didn’t know?”

“Joyce I promise you, I don’t know what you’re talking about?”

“The crush, young man!”

“Crush…” Spike was speechless. How could have Joyce guessed that he felt something for her daughter? But then again dinner had been a dead give away. All the avoidance Buffy had thrown his way had made it obvious to a blind man, that something was going on between them. “Please Joyce!! I promise you that nothing has happened….well nothing serious yet.”

“Yet, what the hell do you mean ‘yet’! She’s only a little girl!!”


“It was just a kiss, Joyce please, be reasonable!! She is not a little girl, she’s a young woman!” Spike tried to defend Buffy the best he could.

“You are too old for her…you’re sick!!”

“I know that I’m older…..hey wait. I’m not talk…”

“Get out! Get out and don’t come back into my house again!,” Joyce grabbed Spike by the collar of his shirt, and attempted to throw him out of the house.

“MOM!!!” Dawn ran into the kitchen with Imogen in her arms.

“Go to your room Dawn, NOW!”

“Mom it’s not me okay! He’s not going on about me…his talking about Buffy.” Joyce stopped what she was doing, hearing her daughter’s words, “He likes Buffy mom, not me!”

“Oh my, oh my…” Joyce was speechless at her actions towards Spike, “This doesn’t make it any better Spike, she’s still a child!”

“I know Joyce, god don’t you think that I know that!” Spike tried to control his anger towards himself, and the situation he’d gotten himself into.

Imogen began to scream her lungs out, she felt her fathers’ distress, she wanted him and she wanted him now! Leaning out of Dawn’s’ arms towards her father, Spike pulled her into his embraced and tried to calm her down. He smoothed her hair down, kissing her forehead, and whispered to her soft words of reassurance. This was not the time or place to discuss this.

“Joyce, please not now! Imogen’s tired, can I suggest that we discuss this at another time. That we sleep on it tonight, please! I need to give her a bath and put her to bed.” Spike pulled open the backdoor, “Joyce, I do care for your daughter, I know that. I think she needs me as much as I need her, and she’s old enough to know what she wants. I am a man, Joyce, not a monster and I wouldn’t hurt her for anything!”

Spike opened the door and stormed out, not even to think about picking up the baby’s things. He ran back to his own home, trying to open the front door, dropping the keys, he picked them up swearing to himself; eventually he got the door open, and slammed it behind him.

Nobody could heard the steps in the Summers’ house creak as a single figure retreated up them, back into her room, closing the door behind her...



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Spike bathed his daughter in her bath, reflecting on tonight’s events; over and over they replayed themselves in his mind. He just couldn’t ignore what he felt anymore, and now that he knew that Buffy had regretted what had happened in her backyard, he didn’t know what to think. His heart felt like it had been ripped out again, and he just wanted to smash something, break it into little pieces like his heart. He finally was being released from his prison of grief, only to find himself denied what he truly desired and needed.

He just didn’t get it, Buffy had seemed to take pleasure in their kiss, and had responded to him, until she’d pulled away from his caress, that he did understand. But her response to him at dinner he didn’t understand. Was she afraid that he may do the same thing as the man who had hurt her, or was she just afraid of herself? He’d made it clear to her that he would do what she wanted, that he wouldn’t cross the line if she didn’t want to, that she made the boundaries, and that he would never cross them, unless she said so.

Or had he? He tried to remember what he’d exactly said to her, but he could only remember the feel of her arms around him and her lips on his, and the passion that had burned between them. If anything was clearer to him it was that she was what he wanted, and he would do anything to have her.

Anything.

He picked up his little girl, drying her as he moved to her room, changing her into her pyjamas and putting her in her cot to sleep. He arranged her on her back, at the bottom of the cot, covering her with a light blanket and turned on the baby monitor, as he left the room. He went to his own room, as the night was a write off, he couldn’t wind down from the nights events, and he decided that a shower was in order. Maybe it would relieve some tension he felt in his head, with the on coming stress headache, that was starting at the front of his temples.

Undressing and turning on the shower, he waited until the water was just right and climbed into the shower stall, closing the clear glass door behind him. He stepped into the spray and let the water cascade down his body, allowing it to envelope his whole body. Putting his head under the spray, he never heard the rocks hit the window, or hit the floor from the bathroom adjoining his bedroom. Nor did he hear someone climbing up the rose trellis, and swear as they got caught in the thorns of the rose bush, as they reached the second story of the house.

Buffy slowly lifted the window sill the rest of the way up, from the middle of the pane, where she’d found it. Trying not to make a noise as she did it, she poked her head through the window, trying to see if Spike was in bed. All the lights were of in the house, except for what appeared to be a lamp in the master bedroom.

Taking a huge risk and leap of faith, she’d decided to climb the trellis to confront Spike, and soothe some of her fears about them. But most importantly, talk to him about the decision she’d made regarding them, and most importantly about herself. Seeing that he wasn’t in bed, she could hear water running in the en-suite, she contemplated her next move, and attempted to turn around to retreat back down the way she came. She lost her footing and grabbed hold of the window sill, loosing her nerve, she realised she had only one option and she took it.

Climbing through the window she entered the bedroom, moving the sheer curtain aside, to allow her further entry into the room. It looked the same as it had before, the bed was made, a few clothes lay strewn on the floor, and yet something was missing. It struck Buffy instantly, it was his wedding portrait, the one in the crystal frame, and it was gone. Instead pictures of Imogen were everywhere, on every available space laid a picture of his little girl.

Taking this all in, she could still hear the water running in the next room, taking a deep breath, she took a step in the direction of the door between the rooms, and placed her hand on the door knob. Gathering all the strength she could, she fought all the fear that came to the surface, she’d made a choice, wrong or right, she had to try and over come every dark emotion. With an inner resolve she turned the handle, and opened the door as quietly as she could...





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