Buffy’s jaw dropped as Spike pulled into a parking lot, the exterior of the building in front of them making it quite clear what sort of merchandise was sold behind the darkened windows. “You brought me to a sex shop?!” she exclaimed, turning in the passenger’s seat of Spike’s old DeSoto to give him her best arm-cross/glare combo.
“Look, do you want to learn about sex or not?”
“I can’t go in there!” Buffy screeched, making Spike wince. “It’s embarrassing!”
“Which is exactly why you have to go in there,” Spike replied, trying very hard to hold onto his patience. “Look, Buffy, if you want to be good at sex, you have to be comfortable with sex. You can’t get embarrassed and flustered at the very thought of it. Besides, you won’t let me take the hands-on approach with teaching you, which means we’re going to have to get some educational aids.”
“Some educational…” Buffy’s eyes grew wide again as she realized what he meant. “No way, Spike. I’m not doing anything with you that involves anything you could get in there.”
Spike clenched his jaw as he fought the urge to snap at her again. This woman frustrated the hell out of him, and he couldn’t figure out why she was being so stubborn about something she’d asked him to do. Was she insane?
“Look, Buffy,” he began, speaking very slowly as if she were a child, “I’m doing this to help you. Do you want to get Angel back or not?”
“More than anything,” Buffy admitted softly, her anger melting to sadness at the mere mention of her ex’s name. Spike tried not to let that upset him, seeing as it was working to his advantage at the moment.
Besides, once he finally got her to agree to go to bed with him without any of the silly “sex ed” nonsense, he’d see to it that she couldn’t even remember Angel’s name.
“Come on, pet. It’ll be all right. I promise I won’t embarrass you too horribly.”
Buffy sighed, but then reached for the door handle. “I can’t believe I’m actually doing this.”
“It won’t be so bad,” Spike said grinning as he got out of the car and walked with her towards the door. “And there’s no need to be embarrassed. Everyone’s in here for the same thing, so it’s not like they can really point fingers.”
Okay, so he had a point there, Buffy had to concede. The only people who would see her in a sex shop were people who were also in a sex shop, so they couldn’t exactly shake their fingers at her for it. She’d just walk in like it was no big deal, and everything would be fine.
Her bravado died the moment they were through the door. She wasn’t quite sure what she’d expected, but she didn’t think everything would be so – out in the open. An entire wall was covered in leather whips with a rack of things that Buffy could only assume were bondage gear – though she couldn’t imagine how you’d actually use any of them – displayed beside it.
Her wide gaze shifted to a collection of dildos not far away from where they stood, and her heart hammered in her chest as her eyes zeroed in on one – it had to be at least three feet long and as thick around as her upper arm. Never had she even imagined someone would even dream of wanting one that big, never mind actually creating and marketing one. She hurt just looking at it.
Buffy jumped when she felt Spike’s hand on her shoulder. “Are you all right?”
“That thing scares me,” she said in a hissed whisper, pointing discreetly to the oversized phallus.
Spike winced and cleared his throat. “Yeah, that one frightens me a bit, too. Come over here and let’s look at the ones a little…saner.”
Buffy giggled some at that, and Spike was relieved she didn’t bolt for the door. He wanted her to learn to be comfortable around this sort of stuff, and even if she wasn’t right off the bat, that was still better than running away screaming two minutes into their little shopping expedition.
He led her over to a relatively tamer part of the dildo section, biting back a grin at the red stain on her cheeks. She was so adorable when she was embarrassed and he was having a hard time not kissing her. “See anything you like, pet?” he asked casually.
“See anything I…” Buffy lowered her voice again. “You ask that like we’re standing in front of a shoe sale, not…these things.”
Spike shrugged. “I’m sure they have shoes here, too.”
Buffy didn’t even want to think about what sort of shoes you’d find in a place like that. She turned away from the display rack. “I don’t like any of them. Can we go now, Spike? I’ve been in here, I’ve faced my fear, or whatever, and now I want to leave.”
“Not yet, Summers,” Spike replied with a shake of his head. “We didn’t just come here for a quick look. Sex requires hands-on education, and unless you’d rather put your hands on my…”
“Stop there,” Buffy said, successfully cutting Spike off. “I guess one of these things would be better than your…thing.”
“If you say so,” Spike replied with a shrug. “All the other women I’ve known would probably disagree, but…”
“Ugh. Just shut up, all right? Geez.” Buffy took a deep breath, reminding herself she was mature enough to handle this. She had asked Spike to help her with her problem, and if he really thought this was what she needed to do to get better at sex…
Within moments, she was completely overwhelmed.
Buffy had never given a lot of thought to sex toys. She assumed that toys of this particular nature would be penis shaped, and she was aware that some vibrated. However, she’d never taken into account that they could vibrate at so many different speeds. Or rotate. Or thrust. Some of them had strange bits protruding from them while others had a smooth shaft. And would it make a difference if it was flesh-colored or neon?
And previously-innocuous animals like rabbits and dolphins were now ruined for her forever…
“Why is that one two stuck together?” she wondered aloud, forgetting herself for a moment until Spike replied to her question.
“One of them goes up your bum, pet.”
She blushed deep crimson again and turned away from the display. “Spike, I can’t. These are way more high-tech than I expected.” Her voice dropped back to a whisper. “Some of them look like aliens, and they’re scaring me.”
Spike chuckled softly. “It’s all right, Buffy. You don’t have to get any of those. Let’s just go with something basic, a little on the smaller side, yeah? We just need something so I can demonstrate for you what you’re supposed to do.” He winked at her. “Clothes on, I promise.”
Buffy nodded, glad that Spike seemed to be taking control of the situation now – and that he wasn’t going to try to make her have sex with a purple jelly alien penis.
Spike plucked one of the boxes from the shelf. “Here, how about this one, Summers? Realistic, not too big. Maybe not so intimidating, yeah?”
Her hands shaking, Buffy took the box from Spike and looked it over. It was a in a bright pink box with a plastic cover over the object in question, reminding her oddly of the boxes her old Barbie dolls had come in, only the box was advertising a “Realistic 6-Inch Penis” and not a blonde, smiling doll.
She read the label over again and frowned. “I thought you said a small one.”
Spike shrugged. “That is small.”
Buffy’s eyes bugged. “Six inches is small? Angel was a little less than that, and it, y’know, felt kinda big…”
Spike had to bite the inside of his lip to keep from laughing. He knew damn good and well that six inches wasn’t exactly miniscule, but he’d had a theory it was larger than her ex and had wanted to see if he could prove it. And truthfully, when he knew it was something he could probably get away with without her bolting, tormenting the girl was just plain fun.
He shrugged, trying to appear more nonchalant than highly amused. “Well, it was you first time. But six isn’t so much. I mean personally, I’ve got nine.” He dropped the size like it was no big deal at all, and watched as Buffy practically choked on her tongue.
Buffy coughed, her eyes zeroing in on Spike’s crotch. Nine? That would be almost twice as big as Angel, and… “I’ll take the six inches,” Buffy said quickly, shoving the box back at Spike.
Spike smirked to himself as Buffy avoided his gaze, staring down at the dirty black-and-white tile floor instead. He knew she was intimidated now, but he also had a feeling that once she thought about it for a while, she was going to get curious – and that would work in his favor.
“All right, one more thing to look at and then we can get out of here, okay?”
Buffy nodded. She tried to look up at his face again, but then all she could do was imagine just what a nine-inch penis would look like, and her cheeks flared, her gaze falling to the floor again.
She let Spike take her hand and lead her through the store, more willing to touch him than continue to discover all the bizarre gadgets that mostly only confused her. However, she finally looked back up when he came to a stop and immediately wished she didn’t.
“Oh my god… They actually put that stuff on the covers? Shouldn’t they just have plain black boxes or something?”
“Most people buying porno movies aren’t worried about seeming proper, Summers,” Spike teased, an amused glint in his eye.
“We’re not watching any of those.” Buffy insisted, wondering if it were possible to set a world record for blushing. “Aren’t they supposed to be all fakey anyway?”
“They’re not for technique, Buffy. They’re to make you not so uptight about sex.”
“I’m not uptight!”
“Yeah, try saying that when you aren’t turning such an interesting shade of red.” When her only response was to somehow manage to blush even more, Spike put his hand on her shoulder. “Look, Buffy, these movies? They’re bleedin’ hilarious. And if you can laugh at sex some, then maybe that’ll take out the intimidation factor.”
“I don’t know, Spike. I…I don’t think I can watch them.”
“Give it a try? We’ll put one on for five minutes, and if you’re completely miserable, I’ll turn it off, okay?”
Buffy thought about it for a long moment, then finally nodded her consent. “Okay, but you pick out the movies, all right? I don’t want to have to choose them.”
“All right. I can do that,” Spike agreed, deciding it wouldn’t be in his best interest to push her much further. He scanned the DVD’s, looking for ones that appeared to be the most vanilla. He wanted to get Buffy to relax about sex, not completely push the boundaries of her comfort zones – yet.
He finally decided on three movies, deciding he should have ample back-up should one movie backfire.
“Can we go now?” Buffy asked, glancing up nervously.
“Yeah, we can,” Spike told her. “Just let me buy these things, yeah?”
Buffy nodded, letting him take her hand and lead her through the store again, this time to the cash register. She couldn’t bring herself to watch the transaction, her eyes looking beside the register instead.
One look at the fruit-flavored, penis-shaped candy display had her eyes back on the floor.
She all but ran out the door when Spike was finally done, and let out a deep breath as Spike opened the car door. Never would she have thought she’d be so relieved to be back in the DeSoto.
Spike shut the passenger’s side door before making his way over to the driver’s side and climbing in with her. He dropped the bag between them, and Buffy’s eyes zeroed on it, surprised to see it was a fairly normal-looking clear plastic bag, with a big yellow smiley face telling her to “Have a nice day.”
She supposed it was fitting, giving that the stuff in the store could probably give a lot of people “nice days.”
“You’re taking me home now, right?” Buffy asked as Spike started out of the parking lot. Surely their little “shopping” trip was enough for the day…
“If by ‘home’ you mean your home and not my home, then no.”
“Spike, I have homework to do,” Buffy protested.
“Yeah, I know, and it’s watching porn with me.”
“Spike!”
“Buffy!”
She flopped back against the seat with an overdramatic sigh. “I really do have a test to study for, you know.”
“So study for it later.” He glanced over at her for a moment, taking in the sight of her pout, before turning his eyes back on the road. “Look, do you want to be ready when you’ve got Angel back or not?”
The mention of her ex once again stopped her protests. “Fine. But I’m staying over for an hour. Tops.”
“Fine.”
The car lapsed into silence again, and Buffy found herself growing exceedingly uncomfortable. The top of the bag had slipped, and she couldn’t seem to shift her focus from the pink-packaged dildo poking out over the edge of the plastic. She looked quickly at Spike, opening her mouth to try to start a conversation with him, when a memory from back inside the store popped into her head.
Personally, I’ve got nine…
Buffy turned quickly towards the window with yet another fierce blush, resolved to simply watch the scenery pass her by until they got to Spike’s.
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