Unsurprisingly, it wasn’t long before her sleep was interrupted by bad dreams and she jolted awake, sitting up with a sigh. She pulled on a large jumper and slipped out into the dark hallway, tiptoeing silently down the stairs. The house was enveloped in darkness and she held her hand out, feeling her way round the stairs and towards the kitchen.
“Slayer?”
She jumped out of her skin, whirling round quickly, trying to make out Spike’s form in the darkness.
“Spike?!” she got out, her heart pounding, “Is that you? Where are you?”
A moment later, the lights in the living room came on and she shielded her eyes from the light for a moment before moving her hand, squinting. Her eyes finally met Spike’s where he sat on the couch and she frowned.
“Are you sitting around in the dark for any particular reason?”
“Just thinking,” he murmured, eyes averted shyly, almost as if he were embarrassed.
She smiled softly and hugged the jumper around her tightly as she moved into the living room. He looked up again and worried eyes flicked over hers.
“Couldn’t sleep?”
“I had a bad dream,” she explained, sliding onto the couch next to him and pulling her legs up to her chest. She frowned as she remembered the dream vividly – she had been kissing Angel and he had turned to dust. She shivered and hugged herself a little tighter, giving him a weak smile.
They fell silent for a pause and she watched him out of the corner of her eye. He seemed much less cheerful than usual and she wondered what was bothering him.
“Are you okay?”
His head snapped up in surprise and then his expression softened.
“I’m okay, love. I’m not the one who…” Got dumped.
“I’m so lucky,” she got out bitterly, sighing.
He reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder.
“Anything I can do?” he asked softly.
“I wish there was,” she answered sadly, “But I guess I just have to… accept it. Try to… move on.”
She sighed and ran a hand through her hair.
“I could really do with a drink right about now.”
His grip tightened on her shoulder, drawing her gaze to his.
“It doesn’t help, trust me. Makes you feel worse, if anything.”
It was obvious he spoke from experience and she frowned, only just remembering that he too had been left – weeks ago now, after they had fought off Drusilla together. She felt a wave of guilt, hating that she hadn’t even asked him how he was doing – too caught up in her own problems. But her failed attempt at a relationship with Angel was nothing compared to the hundred years he had spent with Drusilla. They had been inseparable, he doing everything he could for her: even coming to Sunnydale and ending up in a wheelchair for her, to make her better.
She covered his hand with hers, drawing his eyes to hers.
“Do you miss her?”
He didn’t pretend not to know what she was talking about and she saw the pain flash through his expression.
“Sometimes,” he said quietly, eyes moving from hers and focussing on a spot in the middle of the coffee table, “Wake up alone and panic that she’s not there… then I remember.”
She had had no idea it had been so hard for him and she hated herself for her selfishness.
“I’m so sorry.”
His gaze flew to hers and he frowned in confusion.
“Sorry for what?”
“I never… I mean, you’ve been so good about this Angel thing and I never even asked you about…”
“It’s fine,” he answered honestly, moving his hand to wrap around hers, “Bigger things to worry about and all that. This wouldn’t be the first time Dru up and left when I needed her.”
He frowned again and she squeezed his hand in hers. He gave her a wry smile and bowed his head.
“A part of me still loves her… I mean, she was my everything.”
He paused and glanced at her before continuing.
“But I couldn’t… I couldn’t be with her now. The things she does… I couldn’t sit back and let her, but I don’t know if I could stop her either.”
He flashed her another wry smile and sank his head back against the couch.
“Love’s a bitch.”
She smiled sadly, watching him absently as he closed his eyes, head resting against the cushions. She shifted over and laid her head on his shoulder, startling him. He sat up a bit straighter and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, holding her against him as she looped one arm around him.
“You’ll get through this, love,” he murmured, his breath stirring her hair.
She nodded slowly, closing her eyes as she made herself more comfortable. A comfortable silence descended over them for long minutes and she thought he might be a sleep for a moment, until he shifted his legs, crossing them at the ankle.
“Spike?”
“Yeah?”
“That stuff you said… about Angel…”
“What about it, love?” he asked quietly.
“I mean… I know you’re right but I just… I don’t know,” she sighed, giving up.
“I was just trying to explain how I see the soul.”
“I know. I just… I was so stupid,” she suddenly blurted out, “I believed him. Believed that Angelus and Angel were two separate people. I was such an idiot!”
“It wasn’t your fault,” he said firmly, giving her a little shake, “He hid it because… well, I don’t pretend to know all the inner workings of his little mind but I assume it was to make things easier with you.”
“How does lying make things easier?”
“Well, do you think you’d have fallen for him so hard if you thought he was capable of the things Angelus did? Do you think you’d have let yourself get so close… to a killer?”
She was silent for a moment, considering this.
“I… I honestly don’t know,” she whispered.
After another long pause, she continued.
“I guess I just… I refused to see it. I didn’t want to see him as a killer.”
“And there’s nothing wrong in that. He probably didn’t want you to see him as a killer either… Not sure any man does.”
She tilted her head, meeting his gaze.
“You’re not a killer, Spike,” she whispered, wanting to comfort him, take away that shadow in his eyes, “Not anymore.”
He sighed and sank his head back again, squeezing her against him.
“Not that easy though, is it?”
They passed another few minutes in silence before she spoke up.
“Spike, I… I want to thank you for everything you’ve done for me.”
“Nonsense,” he replied dismissively, “Didn’t do anything.”
“But you did,” she protested, sitting up straight and meeting his eyes, “You’ve been there all through this craziness.”
“Even my craziness,” he added with a slight smile.
She couldn’t help but smile but she quickly turned serious again.
“I mean it. I don’t know what I’d have done without you.”
“S’alright, Slayer. Really. You don’t need to thank me. Not after what you did for me.”
She smiled softly and nodded.
“Still. Thank you.”
He looked uncomfortable – as he so often did with praise or even positive words of any kind – and she smiled affectionately. Overcome with the impulse to show how grateful she was, she leant forward and pressed her lips to his in a brief kiss. When she pulled back, he was watching her with wide, surprised eyes and she smiled hesitantly, cheeks blushing bright red.
“Thank you,” she repeated quietly and he swallowed hard, nodding in answer.
There was a brief awkward silence but then she broke it, meeting his eyes uncertainly.
“I guess you’re going to bed soon?”
“Not quite yet,” he admitted, “Not really tired.”
She nodded and glanced at him hesitantly.
“I might stay with you… if you don’t mind?”
“’Course not,” he answered lowly.
She smiled slightly and moved back to her former position, resting her head against his shoulder. He smoothed a hand over her hair and then rested his cheek against her head.
“It’s going to work out okay, isn’t it, Spike?” she whispered, curling up into a ball.
“’Course it is, sweetheart,” he murmured against her hair.
The term of endearment sent warmth curling through her and she smiled, letting her eyes fall closed.
“Spike?” she whispered after a moment’s silence.
“Hmm?”
“I’m really glad we’re friends.”
He paused for a moment and then pressed a kiss to her hair.
“Me too, love.”
She smiled and settled against him, letting out a long, deep breath as she relaxed.
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