Spike was so quiet all the way home and almost as soon as they got through the door, he excused himself and disappeared up to his room. She decided to leave him for a while, sensing that he might need some time alone. However, as soon as she had washed and changed into her pyjamas, she made her way along the corridor to his room. She knocked lightly and pushed the door open, letting a flood of light into the room. He was sitting on the end of the bed, staring at the wall in front of him – and she had a feeling he had been in that position since he had come up here.
She pushed the door to, plunging the room into near-darkness again, and carefully found her way to his side, sitting beside him on the bed. He said nothing but she saw his shoulders sag and instinctively, she wrapped both arms around him, holding him as tightly as she could, her head resting against his shoulder. His hand came up to the arm across his chest and he gripped her tightly, his head bowed.
They sat there for a long time in silence, listening to the sounds of the night, she holding onto him tightly, as if she could absorb some of his pain. Finally, she couldn’t take the silence anymore.
“Talk to me,” she whispered.
He gave a strangled laugh and his grip tightened on her arm.
“And say what?” he whispered back, “Big Bad scared himself by actually caring.”
“It’s a start,” she joked weakly and he gave that strangled laugh again.
“Used to be so easy,” he murmured, “What was it I said to you? Happy Meals on legs.”
“Still a disturbing image.”
He laughed again, bitterly, and sank his head against hers.
“Well, imagine what it’s like when you start saving Happy Meals and they’re… they’re thanking you.”
She was silent for a pause but then she spoke up quietly.
“Is it so very bad?” she whispered, “Saving someone’s life?”
He sighed and bowed his head again.
“Wouldn’t expect you to understand, love. S’what you do every night, innit?”
He sighed again, his eyes on the floor.
“For just a minute… for the shortest moment… I…”
“Yeah?”
“I could smell the fear on her,” he got out painfully, “And just for a second…”
He couldn’t finish and she squeezed him tighter.
“It’s okay. You’re allowed to slip up, you know.”
“If you weren’t there…”
“I know you wouldn’t have hurt her,” she remarked firmly, shaking him slightly, “I know.”
“Got a lot of faith in me, Slayer. Not sure I deserve it,” he murmured, raising his head, bright eyes shining in the darkness.
“I know you, Spike. You’re stronger than that.”
“It’s hard though,” he admitted quietly, eyes on the floor again, “Not when I’m here and it’s just you and your mum. You know I would never hurt either of you.”
“I know.”
“But people I don’t know… strangers…”
“But you don’t still see them Happy Meals, do you?” she asked worriedly.
“No… but after a hundred years… well, old habits die hard and all that.”
They fell silent again and she tightened her hold, not knowing what to say to make this better. She had a feeling there was nothing she could say anyway that would help. This was just something Spike had to deal with, something he had to learn to live with.
“Is everything okay here?”
They both jumped at her mother’s quiet voice and whirled to face the door, loosening their hold on each other. She looked at Spike and he met her gaze for a long moment before turning back to her mother.
“Yeah,” he answered hesitantly.
“Well, I don’t know about you two but I can’t sleep. I thought I’d make some cocoa.”
“That’d be great, Joyce,” Spike answered with a genuine smile.
“Good. I’ll go get started on that.”
Her concerned gaze flicked between them once more and she left the room.
“Are you going to be okay?”
“I’m gonna be fine, love,” Spike reassured her, “Just… well, it’s something I’ve got to cope with.”
She nodded and pushed herself to her feet.
“I’m sure cocoa is clinically proven to help though.”
“Oh, definitely,” he agreed, getting to his feet and slipping out of his jacket and laying it down on the bed lovingly.
“You’re not going to give it up again?” she asked softly as he continued to look at the coat. His gaze met hers and he smiled weakly.
“No… It’s a part of me.”
She smiled softly and turned towards the door with him following her.
They found two warm cups of cocoa waiting for them and she settled onto a stool opposite her mother with a smile.
“Thanks, Mom. I totally needed this.”
Her mother smiled and took a sip of her own drink, eyes flicking to the vampire.
“Got any of those little marshmallows?” he asked with a shy smile and with a laugh, Joyce pulled the bag out from under the worktop and placed it in front of him.
“I had a feeling you might want some.”
He smiled shyly again and set to filling his cocoa with marshmallows, both Summers’ women watching him with affectionate smiles. When he looked up quickly and found them watching him, they both looked away and Buffy turned to her mother.
“So, how’s things at the gallery?”
“They’re going well. We had a new shipment in this week so it’s a lot of work… but it’s worth it at the end of the day.”
“Well, if you need any help, you know where I am,” Buffy remarked and her mother’s eyes widened in surprise.
“Thank you, Buffy.”
“Well, I’ve got a whole summer and nothing to do,” she explained with a shrug.
“You could get a part-time job.”
When she crinkled her nose at the idea, her mother laughed.
“I guess not.”
Spike remained quiet, watching them as he slowly drank his drink. When he had finished, he got to his feet and rinsed the mug, leaving it in the sink.
“I’m gonna head up,” he said hesitantly, running a hand through his hair.
“Okay. Goodnight, Spike,” her mother replied softly.
“Night,” he murmured, eyes flicking between the two of them, before he turned and left them alone.
Buffy watched him leave with a frown, her eyes on the doorway in thought for long moments after he had left.
“I’m worried about him,” she finally remarked, turning back to her mother.
“Oh?”
“Yeah. I think he’s been hiding from us… not showing us that it’s… hard on him.”
“He’s a man,” her mother answered with a light laugh, “They don’t often like showing weakness.”
“I know, but… he knows he can talk to me. I’m just worried he’s bottling it all up and then… it just all hits him at once.”
She trailed off, thinking of the horrified, tortured look in his eyes earlier.
“Did something happen tonight, Buffy?” Joyce asked worriedly.
She raised her head and nodded.
“We were on patrol and there were these demons,” she explained, “We took them out… saved this girl. Well, Spike saved this girl…”
“But?”
“He had to get her out of the way and she fell and hit her head… I think he thought he’d killed her.”
She could see his reaction clearly in her mind’s eye and she frowned again.
“He totally freaked out. I thought I’d lost him again.”
“But he’s fine now.”
“I know, but…” she trailed off, biting her lip, “I feel so bad, Mom.”
“Why?” her mother questioned, surprise clear in her expression.
“I’ve been so caught up in… in Angel… and I forgot about him. I stopped looking out for him… and he was so good to me.”
Her mother reached out and placed a hand over hers.
“You had a lot to deal with,” she soothed, “I’m sure Spike understands.”
“But he… he’s so close to the edge, Mom. I didn’t realise until tonight.”
“Well, we just have to keep an eye on him,” her mother suggested with a soft smile, “Make sure he knows he’s not alone.”
She nodded slowly, linking her fingers through her mother’s.
“He can stay here, can’t he, Mom?”
“Of course he can,” Joyce answered, her surprise evident in her voice.
“He was talking about leaving…”
“I’m sure we can convince him to stay,” Joyce remarked, smiling gently, “After all, we are very stubborn.”
She laughed and nodded her agreement, tightening her fingers around her mother’s.
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, Buffy. And we’re going to get through this… together.”
“I know.”
“Good… Now, it’s time we both got some sleep.”
She rose to her feet along with her mother and lingered as she cleared away the mugs and turned off the kitchen lights. They climbed the stairs and paused at the top, her mother reaching out to brush her hair back from her face.
“Try not to worry too much.”
“I’ll try.”
“Good.”
Her mother placed a kiss to her forehead.
“Goodnight, honey. Sleep well.”
“Night, Mom.”
Her mother disappeared into her room and she paused for a moment, her concerned gaze going to the door of Spike’s room. Finally though, she turned and went into her own room.
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