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Author's Chapter Notes:
Many thanks to Dusty273 and Im_Bloody_English, two wonderful ladies who give me their time and attention (I love you for it) and give me ideas to make my stories better! Thank you so much!

Sorry I took so long to update, a tree had fallen on my house during Hurricane Ike – and at least no power for a week. After that, it was just cleaning up the mess. sigh

Dialogue taken from BTVS the movie and BTVS season 7, episode ‘Touched’
“Merrick?” she whispered into the night.

“Hello Buffy.” The gruff reply came from the shadows near her shrubs.

She focused her highly developed sight into the darkness enveloping her backyard, sensing his presence, hidden from prying eyes. With her advanced hearing, she could listen to his movements as he came into view near the large oak, smiling slightly.

He looked much as he had when she’d last seen him… on the night he’d died. A long brown coat with a fedora hat, leather gloves and a plaid scarf, a neatly trimmed goatee and mustache rounded out the figure of her first Watcher.

“I’ve missed you.”

A wide smile graced his lips. “The feeling’s mutual. Although, I must say even in the afterlife, your name came up quite often.”

She grimaced and shrank back into herself. “That bad, huh?”

“No, nothing bad, I assure you. Quite the opposite really. The Powers That Be were rather excited to have you among them for a short time.” He retreated further into the shadows.

She quirked a grin, focusing her gaze on his shadowy form. “I can still see you.”

“Yes, I’m well aware of your new abilities. That’s why I’m out this far - didn’t want anyone with curious eyes to see me, too. Bit disconcerting for them, you see,” Merrick said as he nodded to her porch door. “A certain someone already knows something is out here with you. But this is a private conversation and I’d prefer that there would be no interruptions. It’s better this way.”

Buffy tilted her head, listening as Spike moved away from the kitchen and went to the living room to sit with the others, low words being murmured all around. Feeling no threat to her vampire, she closed off her senses to better focus on Merrick.

“Can I come closer?” she asked softly as she pulled the handkerchief out of her back pocket.

He raised his bushy brow questioningly. “You won’t be missed?”

Rising from her position on the steps, she started approaching him. “They know I’m in the backyard, and Spike can feel me if I leave.”

“Ah yes, William the Bloody.”

She stopped her approach, her lower lip trembling. “You disapprove.”

“On the contrary, I rather like the chap. His temperament is well suited to yours,” Merrick assured her.

“Okay, who are you and what have you done with my old Watcher?” she snarked in disbelief. How could Merrick readily accept something that Giles was even unwilling to think about?

He smiled gently, a bittersweet look on his face. “I would have lectured you on your choices, but ultimately they are your choices, Buffy, not mine. I would have encouraged any relationship really, since Slayers have such a short life span.”

“Oh,” was all she could say, her voice so small she barely heard it herself.

“Did you want me to rant and rave that a vampire is not the wisest of bedmates?” he asked, tilting his head as she came to a stop in front of him.

Her eyes widened a bit. “No, but I kinda expected it. I mean I got the third degree about Angel from Giles, and rightly so-”

“No!” He made a slashing motion with his gloved hand, his features becoming hard as he leaned close to her face.

“You should have been told about Liam in the first place, and for that I fault Giles quite harshly. The Scourge of Europe should have been a major studying point in your training.”

She bit her bottom lip and looked askance. “I’m not so Einsteiny with the studying… in fact, I really, really hate it. Don’t blame Giles.”

“Nothing can dissuade me in this. The Scourge of Europe represented four different vampire fighting styles, each one lethal in their own merit. There are hundreds of documents outlining their techniques, documents that Rupert had access to and didn’t utilize. Blatant refusal to make use of such materials was sloppy and could have gotten you killed,” he said heatedly.

Buffy didn’t know what to say to his outburst. She’d never seen him so worked up in the short time she knew him, even when she refused to acknowledge her calling. His insistence that she was a Slayer, sans hairy mole of course, paled in comparison to the anger she now saw in his old eyes.

“But,” she whispered. “I was killed, er died.”

Merrick rolled his eyes and turned to pace, his hands behind his back. “What, the Master? Have you ever considered that Angel led you astray with the information he’d given you? Darla was his sire, feeding him information about the Master the whole time you were, uh… fond of him.”

“What? No, he wouldn’t have done that, he had a soul.” She shook her head, shuddering at the idea of Angel’s duplicity from the beginning.

“The soul didn’t preclude him from presenting you like a fatted calf to the Master for slaughter, did it?”

“But he-”

“Gave you vague warnings and cryptic information from the get go. And, Buffy, God bless your soul, you wanted him so much you took everything he said at face value. If Giles had shown you the detailed notes on Liam the Council had collected throughout the years you wouldn’t have been lured so easily into his trap.”

“But, he dusted Darla,” she argued.

“Before she told you too much. Do you realize that even with the soul, Angel had started having relations with Darla again? She thought she could… well, get rid of the nasty thing with torture and what not. But the soul Angel was cursed with had a conscience of its own, that it felt guilt at its underhanded behavior towards you and tried to rectify that by telling you about Darla.”

“He never said anything about Darla,” she murmured as she wrapped her arms around her body, trying to keep the chill away.

“Because ultimately, Liam was in control. The demon side of his nature wreaks complete havoc and mayhem. His human side was a womanizer and a drunkard, but mindful of his boundaries. The gypsies knew what they were doing when they cursed him with another man’s soul… his own being too weak to actually be much of a threat. His constant mulish behavior is a symptom of having another man’s soul constantly whispering in his ear that he’s wrong, that he’s an abomination. It’s a wonder he’s not completely insane right now.”

“That explains Drusilla,” she muttered, kicking the loose dirt surrounding them.

Merrick studied his leather boots. “She’s a victim you realize, even though you dislike her immensely.”

“Sticking up for vamps are we now, Merrick? First Spike, now Dru. One would begin to think you’ve got a soft spot for them,” she teased lightly.

He smiled. “I just understand them… especially the older ones. Some of my peers called it empathy, trying to drive home the fact that there was only one kind of good vampire – a dead one.”

She leaned against the tree and closed her eyes in exhaustion. “Nowthat sounds like Giles.”

“Mmm, I have no doubt.”

Buffy slid down the trunk and sat on an exposed and gnarled root, her chin resting in her hand. “How did I end up with two radically different Watchers?”

Merrick moved to sit across from her on a similar root. “I’m not quite sure of that myself. All my other charges had untimely deaths. I think you were my last shot at becoming something other than the butt of several jokes with the Council.”

“I know you wanted to be something else, but your family dragged you into this.” She smiled sadly, wishing her Watcher could’ve had his heart’s desire.

Sighing wistfully at a dream unfulfilled, he replied, “Ah yes, I would have been a wonderful boot maker.”

She grinned at the look of bliss on his face. “But you would have been totally bored. And as it happened, I came around in the nick of time.”

“That you did, Buffy, that you did.”

She folded and unfolded the handkerchief she planned to return to him, pulling at loose threads along the lacing. “I had no clue you were, uh, all ghosty until Willow did that puff the magic dragon thing. Is that why I didn’t see… uhm, didn’t see you in Heaven?” she asked quietly.

He looked down, pretending to study the ground. “I had so much to do… and I still do, unfortunately. My time is not really finished here yet, even though my body lies rotting in the grave.” He grimaced at the wording. “But I think next time around, I’ll be there,” he said gently.

Buffy smiled softly and nodded. “Hopefully that won’t be for a while yet. I mean, yeah…I miss it, but I think I can wait now.”

Merrick quirked a grin and looked towards the door, knowing the reason that his Slayer wanted to stay longer. “He’s loved you a long time, Buffy, even before he met you, I believe.”

A dreamy quality overtook her changeable eyes and she couldn’t help but sigh heavily, peace stealing over her whole being. “Somehow I believe that.”

Raised voices originating from the house filled the air followed by a loud crash, like furniture breaking. She moved to approach the house, but Merrick’s voice stopped her.

“They’re all right. He’s just a bit upset at the group,” he confirmed, nodding at the door.

“I’m just surprised he isn’t stapled to the wall with stakes and them using him as a bulls-eye dartboard.”

Merrick’s eyebrow notched up. “I must say he is very tenacious when he wants something, and the only drawback I see in him is that his tongue gets ahead of his mouth sometimes.”

Her gaze glazed over with what that tongue was capable of, finally shaking her head of the wicked thoughts crowding inside… just in case he could read her mind. “Only sometimes?”

“I was trying to be polite.”

“Well don’t. It’s weird.”

“All right then. William the Bloody’s mouth can curse a blue streak, bungle up the most assured bet, and kiss the pants off his favorite Slayer,” he rephrased with a snicker. “Is that better?”

Buffy’s eyes were round with shock. “Wasn’t expecting that much in-your-face facts!”

“I work with what I’m given.”

“That statement has a double meaning doesn’t it?” she posed, studying her Watcher’s profile as he began pacing again while she sat back down on the tree limb.

He looked at her from the corner of his eyes. “And to think I thought you the most vacuous choice for all those Slayer powers.”

She grinned and ducked her head, returning to play with the edges of the handkerchief nervously. “If it’s any consolation, I probably was at the time. Now? Not so much.”

“I think you’re selling yourself short. There’s a reason Spike came looking for you. He’d heard you were the best back then, picking up your trail while you were still in L.A. He isn’t any mere fluff and show like Lothos was. He’s a master vampire, despite his antics. I don’t think he would have harmed you though, even then.”

“Why do you say that?”

“He’s too human. He fairly reeks of humanity. It’s why he was ostracized from the group even more so than Liam was when he was ensouled. If one were to believe in destiny, as it were, then some could argue that Drusilla chose Spike to be her companion for the specific purpose that he’s now serving… and coming to understand.”

“The irritating thorn in my side?” she said with a frown.

Merrick chuckled lightly. “No, my dear. He’s meant to be your champion, your hero for lack of a better term. Your lover and mate as well.”

She bit her lip hard to hold back the tears. “But what if I just want him to be free? You know, to have free will… a choice over his destiny instead of what’s been dictated to him from the beginning?"

“But, Buffy, he’s had that all along. And what’s truly amazing is that, despite interference from outside forces, Spike has made the right choice a great deal of the time because of the one thing that Liam lacked… a conscience. Soul or no soul, that man loves you and would have gladly traded places with you that morning quite a few months ago.”

She nodded mutely, tears skimming her lashes, absorbing the truth of his words. “Merrick… I’m so confused. I don’t know what I need to do anymore. I mean, I feel like I need to continue with the Slayer duties, but my heart isn’t in it anymore. I feel so dead inside sometimes… but then he comes and saves me from myself,” she gestured helplessly.

He sighed, compassion weaving its way towards the bewildered girl. And that’s all she was really, just a girl, but with centuries embedded within her soul. He tentatively laid a hand on top of her head. “Do you remember what I told you, before I died?”

She ran her fingers through her hair trying to control the tears that were filling her eyes. “I can’t remember,” she apologized.

“I told you that you did everything wrong.”

She quickly looked up, fearing she would see disappointment in his eyes, only to catch the glimpse of a light smile before he continued. “I also told you to do it wrong, as I recall. Not to play our game. Remember, it’s about the music. When the music stops-”

“The rest is silence,” she finished quietly.

He nodded, proud of his Slayer. “You are the most unique Slayer ever born, Buffy. You have friends, family, and loved ones that most Slayers have never known, nor are they likely to in the future. There is just something special about you. There is no one thing that anybody can put a finger on. Maybe it’s a combination of things, but I’d like to think it’s your warmth, compassion, and courage. These things draw people to you like a beacon, and you serve your legacy well, my dear. You’ve outlived most Slayers, if not the longest living one. Why is that, do you think?” he prompted.

“Because I’ve danced to the music of life,” she whispered as recognition lit her face.

Spike had been telling her all along that she loved and needed to dance, even going so far as to demand that she dance when she had nothing left in her. ‘Every Slayer has a death wish,’ he’d told her. But he knew that she was different, that she loved life. Life was music - painful and pleasurable, hard and soft. After that, there was only silence, the end of the story. She’d ended her story too soon, and she realized that even though Spike had nothing to do with ripping her out of Heaven, there was no way he was going to let her retreat to the silence again… at least not without a fight.

Thinking of the blond vamp, she could hear him approach the kitchen door again, could feel his irritation and slight worry when she wasn’t to be found on the porch step where he’d last seen her. The blinds shifted with the weight of his fingers and then she felt a sense of relief wash over her once he spotted her form further in the shadows. Her eyes darted to where Merrick was standing only to see him vanish from sight before Spike could get a fix on him.

“I should go soon,” his disembodied voice floated towards her.

The finality in his voice made her panic. “No! Not yet! I’ve missed you so much. Can’t you stay just a little while longer?” She glanced over her shoulder at the back door, noticing Spike’s shadow moving around the kitchen and the light finally gone as he moved back to the room that held the Scoobies.

“A little while then,” Merrick whispered near her ear, startling her.

Truth be told, he’d missed her just as much. One of the first things he wanted to accomplish once he found out that he wouldn’t be enjoying his promised heavenly rest for quite a while, was to pressure the Council to send Giles to her, feeling the man was the next best thing for his Slayer. Now he wasn’t quite so optimistic of his choice.

“So…” she started. “You’ve been ghosty from the beginning?”

He scowled. “Unfortunately. It’s a damn nuisance trying to move objects when you’re not corporeal.”

“How do you do it then?”

“With massive amounts of energy. But it becomes easier the longer one is a ghost. At the start, I bungled it up quite badly. Now I can do almost anything to include touching people and becoming visible to those with whom I wish to converse. Gave the Council quite a fright the first time I popped up the meeting chambers, I can tell you. I’ve never seen Travers become so unnerved at that point.”

Buffy grumbled something unflattering about the man under her breath, causing him to snort with laughter. “If it’s any consolation, he did disappear quite suddenly to the lavatory.”

She couldn’t help the giggle that escaped her lips as she imagined Merrick scaring the crap out of Quentin Travers… literally. “You wouldn’t think a ghost would have that kind of effect on the stodgy old coot.”

“Well, in all fairness, they’re more concerned with demons, vampires, and such. Ghosts aren’t really on their ‘to do list’. I don’t think they actually have much experience when it comes to that shady area of spirits.”

“You would have to play fair,” she muttered, breaking a twig in two. “Why were you there to begin with?”

He sat down next to her, shoulder-to-shoulder, yet felt nothing to make her all nervous and twitchy like with vamps. “I wanted to make sure your next Watcher was Rupert Giles. I’d studied with him for brief time before I was assigned to you in L.A. I was impressed with his knowledge of demonology and his library was the stuff Watcher dreams were made of.”

She just stared at him in complete shock. “You knew Giles back in the day?” At his curt nod, she continued. “What’d you guys do, drink a few here and twirl a stake there?”

“I admit to a bit of, umm, outlandish behavior during our studies… but for the most part we were teacher’s pets.”

“Know-it-all’s, huh?”

He cocked his head and glared at her. “You make it sound distasteful when it truly allowed for quick advancement.”

“Again with the non-mixy of studying and training. Guess you both wasted time and energy trying to teach me things I just wasn’t ready, or willing for that fact, to learn,” she apologized. “Although…”

When she didn’t elaborate further, Merrick nudged her shoulder. “Although what, Buffy?”

She returned to playing with the edges of the handkerchief nervously. “Our training saved my life, more than once,” she ventured, willing him to understand just how she had survived because of him.

“Giles didn’t really like practicing with knives or swords… and without you, I really didn’t have that much work with them. I practiced on my own with what you taught me before you…” She trailed off, thinking about the night her first big mistake cost her someone she loved. “I remembered what we worked with and it saved my life.”

He smiled slightly and cursed Giles for a fool. Defensive and offensive knife work and swordplay were essential Slayer tactics not to be pushed aside in favor of stakes and karate. “I’m sorry, Buffy. Maybe I should have asked the Council to send someone more suited to, ahem, your unique personality.”

“I’ll admit Giles was a little in-your-face at first, but now? I think he’s just as tired of this as I am sometimes. I like him… I’m comfortable with him. He’s treated me better than my own father ever did, even scolding me when I’ve done something I shouldn’t have.”

“Like having romantic relationships with vampires?” he asked with an arched brow.

Heat flared up her neck and into her face. “Yeah,” she whispered, thinking about the night Jenny Calendar died because she couldn’t dust Angel.

“You were drawn to Lothos as well.” He made it a statement of fact.

She glanced away, afraid to admit the truth, but her lips had other ideas. “He’d come to me in my dreams… holding me… whispering that we’d be one.”

“Hmm, makes sense. In a way, you were… one with vampires. It’s why you’re drawn to the master vampires in particular. Their strength and power lures you like a moth to a flame.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Great. I’m doomed to be burnt by the vamp bug zapper of life. First Lothos, then Angel… and now-”

“You do realize that William would never cause you that kind of grief, right?” he cut her off as if he’d read her thoughts.

“Hate to break it to you, Merrick, but he attempted to kill me on numerous occasions.”

He tried to hide his smile. “But he’s never succeeded. And you’ve not been able to dust him as well, yet you were able to dispatch Lothos and Angel with ease. Makes one wonder.”

She rubbed her hands up and down her arms as if chilled by the night air. A dusty ending to Spike made her whole person freeze with horror. “I couldn’t very well fight with him after the chip… it just wasn’t… it wasn’t fair.”

“Says the Slayer that plays by no one’s rules,” he teased.

She eyed him suspiciously. “Did Spike pay you to be here and bring up his good points?”

“Good heavens, no!” he barked with laughter. After a few moments, he grew serious. “I have a vested interest in my Slayer’s happiness, that’s all.”

“Let me guess… I’m one of your after-life missions?”

He looked away, staring into the dense foliage. “Something like that.”

“What aren’t you saying, Merrick?”

Becoming agitated, he stood and began pacing once more, stopping only to ask her a question. “Do you trust him, whole-heartedly?”

“I don’t know. What if he got the chip out?”

Merrick huffed a beleaguered sigh. “That chip will stop working at some point, Buffy. What will you do then?”

Her eyes widened and then filled with tears. “How do you know?”

He tapped the side of his temple. “I’m a ghost, free to move about in time. You do the math.”

“Why are you telling me this? Shouldn’t this strengthen my resolve not to get involved with another vampire?”

“I’m telling you because I want you to come to a decision regarding your heart. Knowing the chip will fail, will you still love him?”

She bit her bottom lip hard, practically drawing blood as she swiped at the tears threatening to fall. “Will he start killing again?”

He frowned harshly. “Think Buffy! No, better yet, feel within yourself! You already know the answer. You just need to be brave enough to admit it.”

She closed her eyes and reached deep inside, to a part she rarely visited, to a place where she’d only let one person touch her… Spike. Not even Angel had ventured this close to her heart and she couldn’t understand why until…

“You listen to me.”

His far away voice surprised her as she inclined her head to pay attention to Spike’s soft words as he told her something she knew would be monumental.

“I’ve been alive a bit longer than you and dead a lot longer than that. I’ve seen things you couldn’t imagine and done things I’d prefer you didn’t. I don’t exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood, which doesn’t exactly rush in the direction of my brain so I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls, a hundred plus years and there’s only one thing I’ve ever been sure of. You.”

Buffy ducked her head to hide from the conviction she felt in his voice, searing her to the bone. She couldn’t tell if what she was hearing was from a dream or some random conversation that she’d had with Spike before she died, but she figured she’d remember something this profound if he’d told her before. Her eyes were open, seeing nothing, only concentrating on his far away voice.

“I’m not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it’s not because I want you, or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You’re a hell of a woman. You’re the one, Buffy.”

It was gone as suddenly as it appeared and she was left with an ache in the center of her chest. Not once had he mentioned the fact of her being the Slayer, only… Buffy. He didn’t think in terms of vampire and Slayer, only Spike and Buffy. He loved her for, well… her.

“Consider it a gift,” Merrick interrupted softly.

She blinked rapidly, rubbing at the tears that lingered, turning to stare at him. “A gift? What… did you do that? How-”

“He said those words shortly before…” He stopped before revealing too much. “It was different then.”

Desperation laced her frantic voice. “What was different, Merrick?”

He looked at her sadly. “I can’t tell you.”

“No! You can’t do that! You can’t let me know something and not tell me why it happened that way!” she pleaded anxiously, fear gripping her as her imagination delved into dark places.

“Calm yourself, child,” he soothed, gently patting the top of her head. “You know I can’t tell you. You must decide for yourself what you want from your life now.”

Tears spilled over as she buried her face in her hands. “He died… didn’t he?” she whimpered, not waiting for him to verify it. “He died for me.”

Merrick neither confirmed nor denied her statement, feeling she knew the truth already. He did, however, move away from her, sensing his energy wavering and knowing his time was nearly exhausted.

“It’s time for me to go, Buffy,” he said quietly, placing his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it until she responded.

She turned and found him smiling sadly at her, causing her heart and chest to constrict tightly. Without thinking, she launched herself into a crushing embrace with her former Watcher.

After the surprise wore off, Merrick returned the hug, laying his cheek against the top of her head and patted her back soothingly. “My dear, brave girl,” he said in a hushed tone.

She sniffled and buried her nose into his chest, inhaling deeply, smelling leather and shoe polish. A deep sense of peace welled up within her, knowing she would never forget him. “I’ll miss you so much, Merrick.”

He pulled back and looked at her with tears in his own eyes. “Oh, Buffy… I’ll miss you, too,” he managed as he cupped her cheek and pressed a kiss on her forehead. “Remember what I told you, it will help more than you know. And while you may not see me, I’ll always be here,” he said roughly, pointing at her heart as he smiled softly and stepped away.

Nodding and sensing time was short, she handed him the handkerchief. “Didn’t want you to forget this… what would you chew on when you get frustrated?” she said, smiling through the tears.

“No, Buffy, you keep it. I think you need it more,” he said pointing at the tears falling down her cheeks. She chuckled lightly and dabbed her eyes with the white satin reminder of her past.

He gazed at her one last time. “Take care of William. Giles will eventually come to accept him, just give him a bit to sort it out.” He winked at her, grinning.

“You know, don’t you?” she asked in amazement. “You already know my decision.”

“I have a hunch,” he said with a full smile, twirling his finger around the end of his mustache. “You’ll do as I ask?”

She nodded, moving to hug him once more. “I promise. Come look in on us sometime, okay?”

“You can count on it,” he assured her. He wrapped his arms around her and tried valiantly to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. “Be happy, Buffy… that’s all I ask.”

Her own tears continued to fill her eyes, but she brushed them away and leaned up to kiss his grizzled cheek. “You take care of yourself.”

He nodded and moved away, fading further into the shadows until she could no longer see or hear him. Once she had no sense whatsoever about him, she turned and headed towards the house. Climbing the steps, she stopped just before she opened the back door, turning to look at the shadows covering the grassy expanse of her yard.

“I love you, Merrick,” she whispered to the night and opened the porch door to return to her life.

In the darkness, Merrick smiled and knew the Powers That Be had chosen the right girl in whom their powers rested.





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