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Buffy clung to Spike's hand as they entered The Bronze. There was hardly anyone there, and it wasn't unusual since it was a Tuesday night. There wasn't a live band or specials going on during the week, so most people stayed home until the weekend.

But tonight was special for Spike and Buffy.

After keeping their relationship secret for three months, they had finally come clean. Well, Buffy had come clean.

Spike had stood behind her with a hand on her shoulder, daring the adults to say anything.

But they hadn't said a word, they had smiled and simply told them to be careful and make wise choices.

And even though he claimed he didn't care if they approved or not, Buffy could feel some of the tension leave his body when they had.

So they had decided to go to The Bronze, where it had all started.

Buffy still couldn't believe that she had been with them for six months already. In a way it had flown by, but it also felt like she had always been there.

She had started school the month before, and her life was finally coming back on track.

She thought of her mother everyday, and even found herself talking to her every now and then. She had finally come to terms with the fact that her mother was in a better place.

Of course there was nothing in the world she wanted more than to have her mother there with her, but there was no way. So she was happy now at the thought that her mother wasn't suffering anymore. And now she realized that when her mother was alive, she had suffered so much. The treatments took her energy, and made her sick.

But then she had gotten better, they were able to remove the tumor from her brain. She had gotten to come home, her hair was beginning to grow back, and she had started enoying her life again.

Or so it had seemed.

When she thought about it now, she remembered the headaches, mood swings, and memory loss. But at the time she thought it was just after effects of the surgery. She had tried to brush it aside, because the doctors had told her the tumor was gone, she had passed the two month mark with no new growth.

They never even thought of an anuerism.

But she remembered the look on her face when she found her.

Peaceful.

She had even smiled when she saw it, before she realized she wasn't moving.

They say that hindsight is twenty/twenty, and Buffy was beginning to believe it.

Because if her mother was still alive and there was a way of saving her, she would have went to hell and back to find it.

But there wasn't. And even though she missed her like crazy, Buffy wouldn't bring her back.

Because she was happy now, she was at peace. No more chemo, no more shots.

And Buffy knew she was watching over her. When the wind would blow the brief scent of lily's across her face, Buffy would close her eyes and smile.

She knew who it was.

~~~

But there was still something missing.

With the exception of her mother, Buffy should be happy.

But she couldn't be.

Not when she watches the man she loves suffer everyday.

She knew he was happier than he had been in a long time. She looked at the way he was now, compared to the way he was when she had first arrived.

He had only come home drunk twice since the night she put him to bed, the night of their first kiss.

The first was when she had talked about her mother to him, and he had stormed out. She had sat up waiting for him, and had dragged him in when she heard him hit the front porch. They didn't make it to his room that night, she had managed to get him to the couch before he had broke down. He latched onto her and cried until he fell asleep. And even in his sleep the tears had kept flowing. When she awoke the next day it was to find Spike dry heaving in his sleep. She had rushed to the bathroom for a trash can, and made it just in time to thrust it under his mouth as he emptied his stomach. He had cried again and apologized over and over while she cleaned him up. Finally covering his mouth with her hand, she had rubbed his stomach softly until he fell into a fitful sleep.

The next time was on the eighth day of the September.

She hadn't hought anything of it until they started spending time together. But on the eighth day of every month he would be gone when she woke up. He was usually waiting for her on the couch so they could eat breakfast, but this time he was gone. She had searched for a note with no luck, and had finally asked Jenny if she had seen him. Jenny had looked at the day on the calendar, and told Buffy not to expect him home for a while. When he had came home the first time he wasn't drunk, but she knew he had been crying. She could see the tear tracks on is face, and his shirt was soaked. He came to her room and silently crawled into the bed with her, wrapping himself around her and shuddering with silent sobs. The next day when she woke up, Spike was waiting on the couch for her and not a word was spoken about it. That was in July, and it happened again in August.

But in September, he didn't come home until two days later.

She had noticed that he pulled away from her in the last days of August and stayed in his room more, begging off when she wanted to do something or tried to talk to him. He had even snapped at her a couple of times. But Buffy didn't take any offense, she had just let him alone. She just thought he was in a mood, until she had walked in on Jenny crying in the kitchen.

She knew something was wrong then. Neither Giles or Spike would come to dinner, and they hardly left their room and study. Some of Spike's professors had even called looking for him when he had skipped classes for nearly a week.

Buffy knew something was wrong on the Seventh when Jenny had literally forced her to go for a shopping day with her. They had arrived at the mall with Jenny going straight to the fountain, sitting on the edge staring at it, with a fountain of her own flowing down her cheeks. When they got home that night Giles and Spike were no where to be found. Jenny had went straight to her room, slamming the door without a glance at Buffy. Buffy had called Spike's cell phone over and over, always getting his voice mail. She sat by the phone all night waiting for him to call, but it stayed silent. She didn't expect him home on the eighth, but she kept calling his cell phone, and kept the phone by her side.

On the ninth when he didn't come home, she went looking for him. By the time she got home she was hysterical, and had walked into Giles study not caring to knock. What she found on her arrival, was shocking.

The room was in shambles, furniture upside down, books thrown about, and glass littering the floor from where they had been thrown against the wall. Giles looked up from the bottle of scotch, and frowned at her. When she told him Spike was gone, he started crying saying nothing but two words before he fell onto the desk weeping.

"Eight years."

She had stormed out of the study looking for Jenny, but found she was gone too. She went back out looking for him, only to come back hours later exhausted and alone. She had called hospitals and police departments, but no one had been in fitting his description.

By the time she had finshed it was almost noon on the tenth.

She was picking up the phone to file a missing persons report, when he stumbled through the door.

She dropped the phone, and ran to catch him just before he fell into the glass top table.

He was filthy, his clothes were ripped, and the smell of alcohol and vomit rolling off him had Buffy gagging herself. She dragged him to the downstairs bathroom, and somehow by the grace of God managed to get him into the tub. The shock was wearing off and she finally let the tears fall.

She removed his clothes without even seeing them, because she was crying so hard. She stopped the tub and let it fill with warm water after propping his head up on a towel. She didn't even notice his nudity, because the water had started to turn red.

Terrified of where he was hurt at, she had pulled and rolled him until she had searched every inch of him. And it wasn't until she cradled his hand in hers that she found where the blood was coming from.

She gasped at the sight of his knuckles, the skin completely gone. She could see the pink hue of the bones and dropped his hand back in the water, scrambling up to find antibiotics and bandages.

Her sobs and banging around caught the attention of Giles, who stumbled to the door, and looked in on her.

When he saw Spike, he sank to his knees and crawled to the tub, sobs wracking his body. He pulled Spike against his chest and cradled him there, sobbing and saying the words "I'm sorry" over and over.

Buffy had fell against the toilet and cried until she had emptied the contents of her own stomach twice.

She knew now.

It was about his mother.
~~~
She remembered how he didn't wake up until the next day.

She stayed by his side, and when he woke up as sick as a dog, she had taken care of him.

He had never apologized for it, and she didn't expect him to.

She just wished he would talk to her. Give her the chance to help him, the way he had her.

She had told him everything, about her father, her childhood, what scared her, and what her dreams were. And even though Spike did talk to her about his goals and dreams, he never talked to her about what mattered.

The thing that haunts him.

The thing that tore his life apart, what had taken his mother from him, and what had caused him to hate his father.

~~~

That was the last time he came home drunk.

He had went to his classes and did extra credit for his missed days, and stayed home with her when he was off.

He had treated her like a queen, and she had let him.

Because a part of her had hated him for what happened.

A part of her hated that he didn't trust her enough to tell her. For not letting her try to help him through his dark times, instead of running off and drinking himself into oblivion, punching something until he shredded his hands.

She knew that he loved her. He had whispered it to her one night when he thought she was asleep.

But if he loved her, why couldn't he trust her?

She trusted him with everything. She had bared her soul to him.

Hell, she GAVE him her soul.

Why wouldn't he talk about her? What happened to her that was so horrible, it turned a humble young boy into a shell?

She was his only friend. Sure, he had aquantences, people who knew and respected him.

But he didn't have a single friend. No one to talk to, cut up with, or tell dirty jokes to. He went to school, did his assignments, and came home, occasionally going to the Bronze. She knew he went somewhere else as well, because when she first came he was never home, but he kept it a secret.
~
But for all the things he didn't do or say, one look from his eyes stole her breath.

And she loved him.

She loved him so much it hurt. And that's why it killed her. It broke her heart everyday that he kept his secret from her.

But she knew that if he never told her anything ever again, she would still stay by his side. Because she couldn't live without him.

She might live her life in love with a stranger, but she could feel it when he looked at her.

His eyes spoke volumes of what his mouth didn't, and she knew in her heart without a doubt,

This stranger was her soulmate.





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