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She looked at him, but she didn't see Spike.

She saw William, the little boy who had dark curls and glasses.

The little boy who watched his mother die.

"William."

His face was quivering with anger and his breathing was labored, his eyes were wide but they were still narrowed.

If it had been anyone else, the look he giving her would have sent them running for their life.

But it made her want to hold him.

She stood up and walked toward him, and he nearly stumbled in his haste to get away from her.

"Don't come near me!"

"William, don't d-"

He came forward and she was the one scrambling back this time.

He grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her once as if trying to shake it into her.

"My name is SPIKE!!"

She flinched from the volume of his voice and tried to pull away from his iron grip.

"Spike, calm dow-"

He shook her again, "How dare you! How fucking dare you! What were you thinking going through my stuff?"

He let go and backed away from her, looking at her with contempt.

"I trusted you. I gave you everythi-, I gave you my fucking heart, and you do this to me?"

She couldn't help but laugh as he said this.

"You think you gave me your heart? You're out of your mind!"

She began walking toward him letting the anger and hurt she felt take over.

She had tried to prove that she loved him, she did everything she could think of.

She told him how she loved him, how she would die for him, SHE had given HIM her heart.

But he still wouldn't trust her with his.

And everyday that he held it inside, she got a little more bitter.

She tried to push it away, never letting it show. On the outside she looked happy, and tried to love him even more, so that one day he would finally trust her.

But now it was sour.

~

Anger was radiating through her and pain coated her words.

"I know you love me. I can see it. Hell, anyone with eyes can see it. But you've never given me your heart."

Tears flowed as she said it, and her knees were threatening to fall out from under her.

"Because if you had, you would have given me this. You would have let me help you through this. I kno-"

"You shut the fuck up. You don't know."

"Yes, I do -"

He grabbed her by the arms, and hauled her against him, just like the day in front of the couch.

"NO YOU FUCKING DON'T!!!"

She didn't flinch this time, just watched as tears flowed down his face.

"Your mother died. It was her time."

He let go of her, his body seemingly deflating of anger.

"My mother was murdered. She was stolen from me." The anger came back as he thought of his mothers killer. "So don't try to say you know, because you fucking don't."

He walked to the door and reached for the knob.

"You're right Spike. I don't know." He turned to look at her, "Because you won't tell me. You won't let me in. I've tried to prove to you that I love you, because I do. God, do I love you." She gave a small humorless laugh, " And I've tried to prove to you that you can trust me."

He snorted as she said it, and she looked at him with disgust.

"But maybe it's not enough."

His head shot up, and his eyes dared her to finish.

"Because my love and trust isn't enough for the both of us."

He grabbed the knob so hard it felt like his skin was going to burst.

"I hardly even know you, you won't tell me anything. Everything is bottled inside of you, and it's killing you. It's killing us."

"No pet, I'd say you killed us." He looked at her then, "We were happy. Everything was perfect."

"We were happy most of the time. I know you were happier than you've been in a long time. Because I took you away, made you forget for awhile. But it was still there, Spike! Its always there. Don't you see?" His eyes narrowed, "We have to skirt around things, not talk about them because it might pertain to the M word. I can't even talk to you about my mother! Do you honestly think we can go forever like this? Look at us! You were ready to tear my head off just for reading your journal." He looked away, knowing it was the truth. "Don't you see Giles and Jenny, Spike? Do you think they're happy? They may look it and they may have some happy moments, but do you know what their lives consist of? It consists of Jenny trying to get in, and Giles pushing her out."

"What is happening to my father is his own fault."

She continued on as if he hadn't spoken.

"I can see it, Spike. Everyday she resents him a little more, and everyday he pulls farther away from her. He hardly even leaves that damn study. He lives in there drunk, trying to keep the world away."

She could see that her words were affecting him. And hers became softer with her next breath.

"I don't want that to happen to us. I never want to look at you with anything but love. I don't want to end up like them, but it's already happening. I can't help but to hate it when you won't let me in."

Her eyes pleaded with him even more than her mouth.

"Please, Spike."

His mother's face floated behind his eyes, and pain ran through him like fire.

"I can't."

Her knee's gave away, and she hit the floor.

"Then neither can I."

He looked at her and a sob hitched his chest.

"I'd rather live without you, loving you as I do now, than to live with you in hate."

She stood up on numb legs and walked to the phone in a daze. She picked it up and dialed her father's cell phone, speaking her last words to him before her father answered.

"I never thought it would turn out like this. But I guess you always hurt the one you love."

Spike watched her back, and the pain he felt about his mother was welcome compared to this.





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