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Buffy looked out the window of the car her father had sent for her.

She looked up and down the busy streets trying to catch one last glimpse of him.

He was gone when she hung up the phone, and he was gone when she explained things to Jenny.

She knew it was her fault.

If she had only put the journal back in his jacket, he would have came home and they would have made love until they couldn't move.

But a part of her was relieved.

Because if they had have kept going as they were, it would have destroyed them.

Leaving him was the one thing she never thought she would do. She always thought that not even death's icy grip could tear them apart.

But she was wrong.

She thought about the things she read in the journal, and she could understand now why Spike was who he was.

She didn't know how he held it inside him, he was stronger than she could ever be.

But then she thought, maybe he was weaker.

Because after two months of holding it inside she cracked, she had poured her heart out to someone she didn't know, trying to rid herself of the misery.

And it made her stronger.

~~~~~~~

The car pulled to a stop outside two large iron gates, and the door opened for her.

Buffy stepped out and glanced around her. The cemetary was far off the road, so except for the driver, she was alone .

She held the yellow roses tight as she passed the gates and made her way down the rows, passing names and years.

She walked past the Weeping Willow tree, running her hand through the long, fine branches.

She stopped when she caught sight of the gravestone, seeing it for the first time.

She sank to her knee's and hugged the cold marbel, the Willow tree caressing her back as it blew with the wind.

~~~~~~~

Spike walked on auto-pilot to the Liquer store.

He pushed his way through street, not caring that his face was wet with tears or that he was still crying.

"This is what I need.", he said to himself as he paid for the bottle of whiskey.

The clerk had to wrestle the bottle away from him to put it in a bag. He walked out the store and jerked the lid off, taking three big gulps, before bending over and gagging.

He didn't mind that people were watching him.

Who the fuck cared? He didn't have anything to lose.

At least, not anymore.

~~~~~~~

"Hey mommy."

Buffy laid the roses down, and wiped at her eyes.

"How are you?"

She laughed a bit, thinking that her mother couldn't hear her.

But when the wind rustled the soft leaves, and the ends of them tickled the sides of her face, she turned back to the headstone with a smile, tears running yet again.

"Good, huh?"

She traced her mothers name with her fingertips, and softly whispered the name back to herself.

"I miss you so much. I could really use your help right now."

She scrubbed at her face and ran her fingers through her hair, unconciously mimicking Spike.

"I love him so much mommy. And I want to help him so bad, but he won't let me. Why won't he let me? Why?"

She pounded at the ground with her fists, wishing that if she knocked enough, her mother would answer.

"I don't want to lose him. It's killing me momma. I can't live without him, but I left. Why, why did I leave? What should I have done? What did I do wrong?"

She looked up to the heavens, as if she were expecting an answer.

"But a part of me thinks it's for the best. And how can that be, how can being without him be best, when my heart and soul are crying out for him?"

She looked back at the stone, and saw her reflection staring back at her, weary and ragged.

"How am I supposed to live?"

~~~~~~~

Spike stumbled up the steps softly humming to himself.

The bottle of Jack was gone.

Or at least gone straight to his head.

He was singing idle songs and lyrics trying to do anything to keep Buffy off his mind.

"Once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there's only love in the dark."

And he was so caught up in his task, he didn't realize the song he was singing was the one him and Buffy had first danced to.

"Nothing I could do total eclipse of the heart."

He pushed the door open to Buffy's room, and when he found it empty he fell to his knees.

He looked around the room trying to find her, and anywhere she might have hidden all of her stuff.

But there was nothing.

No clothes, no Mr. Gordo, and no Buffy.

He crawled to the bed and climbed on, still singing through his tears and hiccups.

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart."

He sobbed himself to sleep, clutching her pillow.





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