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The bedroom door creaked open and Spike shot up, headache be damned.

"Buffy?"

Blurry eyes stared at the figure in the doorway.

"No."

He dropped back to the bed, the pounding in his head finally getting his attention.

"What the fuck do you want?"

He groaned at Giles, who walked inside the room closing the door with a bang.

"Fuck!"

He gasped as he tried to keep his eyes in their sockets.

"My God. Look at you."

Giles shook his head at the smell of whiskey, and the sight of Spike sprawled fully clothed across the bed.

"Do you think this is what she wants? It's no wonder she left."

Spike was off the bed and in his father's face before the sentence was finished.

"Oh, you would know wouldn't you? You know all about leaving."

Spike stalked back toward the bed, "You don't know anything about me and Buffy."

"No, I don't. But I do know a thing or two about love."

Spike whirled around with a hysterical laugh, and pinned his father with his gaze.

"Oh you do, do you? Is love what made you leave us? Is love wha-"

His voice broke into a sob, and his throat was on fire with the pain of trying to keep tears away.

"You bastard. If you loved us you wouldn't have left! You would have been there when- You left us there! You left her, let her die without you! You didn't fucking love us!" He looked at Giles with tears streaming down his face, "Do you wanna know what she was doing when it happened? Huh? Do you want to know what she was doing when the bullet ripped through her chest?!"

Giles started shaking his head and backing toward the door. Spike followed him, mindless of his own grief, speaking words that had been building inside him for nearly a decade.

"I'll fucking tell you what she was doing, she was writing you a letter."

Spike clenched his eyes shut, the image of his mother sitting on their deck crying, penning a letter sizzling on his brain.

"She was still alive when I got to her. Sti- still holding the letter."

Spike flew past him, and went in his room. Giles could hear things being thrown around until Spike came back through holding something.

"This. This is what she was writing."

Spike shoved the paper at him, and he opened it with numb fingers.

It was covered in blood and he could only make out three words.

I love you.

"She loved you more than anything, even when she was dying because of you, it never failed. How? How could she love you when you left her there to die?"

The tears ran endlessly down their faces. Giles clutched the letter to him, and Spike felt something he hadn't felt in a long time at the sight of him.

Giles looked up at him, and Spike took a step back from the smoldering look he was emitting.

"I love you."

The words were not what he expected, and Spike scoffed at him, shaking his head.

He had forgotten that his agility came from his father, until he was pinned against the door.

Giles held Spike's face in his hands, and Spike thought for a moment that he was going to slam his head against the wall.

His hands were shaking and his grip was bruising, his breathing was hard and every other one came out as a sob.

"You listen to me. I love you."

Spike's tears were soaking Giles' hands and he was shaking his head, clenching his eyes shut, trying to tune out his words.

Giles shook Spike's head once, trying to get his attention.

"Listen to me!" Spike's eyes popped open, "Do you honestly think that if I had thought for one second he would've come after her, that I would have left? Do you?!"

Spike looked at Giles, seeing him for the first time in years.

"Answer me! Do you think I would have left?"

Spike slowly shook his head.

"Don't you think I have to suffer enough? I know I should have been there! I know." His voice trailed into a whisper, "I live with it everyday."

He dropped to the floor on his knees.

"Why did he go after her? It was me! I was the one he hated! He should've killed me! He was supposed to come after me, not her."

He was babbling, and Spike dropped to his knees as well. He jumped back when Giles hands latched onto his arms in a vice grip.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! I should have known! Why didn't I realize? Of course he would have went after her, he didn't want me dead."

He looked at his son with lifeless green eyes.

"He wanted me to suffer."

After eight years of being blind to the truth, in five short minutes Spike's eyes had been opened

He had pushed the memories so far away, that the truth had been concealed.

He had resented his father for leaving anyway, not understanding the severity of the situation.

And when his mother had been murdered it was automically Giles' fault for not being there, because dads were supposed to protect their families.

He didn't realize until now that Giles had thought that was what he was doing.

He had looked for any reason his mother should still be alive, anything different that might have saved her.

And when Giles had ran into the police station the next day, he found his answers.

It was his fault for doing the things he did as a teenager, his fault for making enemies, and his fault for leaving her there to die.

His young mind was as set as stone.

Giles may not have pulled the trigger, but he had killed her.

He pushed the memories away, never thinking of anything beside the fact it was his father's fault.

And in doing that he had pushed the memory of Giles ripping their house to shreds, staying at her graveside for two days after the funeral, and the times he woke up to hear him begging for another chance.

He remembered them now, he remembered the times he would hear him beg God to please give him another chance, to bring her back and take him instead.

And he realized something that broke his heart again.

He still missed his mother, but he missed his daddy too.

He gathered Giles in his arms and cradled him as the both they both cried.

And for the first time since she had said them, he remembered his mother's last words.

"Everything happens for a reason."





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