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“Okay, that’s two lite beers, one Margarita, a house special with extra burdock root, and an O Pos Bloody Mary.” Xander swiped the room cards, easily moving down the bar to mix a martini and pick up empty glasses.

Brought up in a family of drinkers Xander knew his way around a liquor bottle and that coupled with a brief stint bartending near UC Sunnydale, had given him the confidence needed to do an excellent job aboard the Maladjusted, what all the employees called the Malfeasance behind the bridge crew’s back. All he’d had to do was spend the last two days learning the dozen demon drinks on the menu.

Piece of cake. After all a bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Xander had also learned that demon ship or not, his coworkers were like any other under paid, over worked employees in every job he’d ever held, right down to the crappy polyester uniforms. They all hated the work and avoided doing as much of it as possible, while having no respect for either their Captain or any other authority figure on board. If Xander closed his eyes, he was right back at Taco Hut.

Having not yet finagled a look at the Captain or any of the bridge crew, he still listened avidly to all the gossip surrounding everyone higher up the food chain. It not only helped cement his standing with the other employees-along with the free booze and blood he snuck them - but at this point, it was impossible to tell what snippet they’d let drop that might be important to Buffy. After all, it was early days, and he’d just finishing serving his first wave of paying customers.

Seeing his smarmy demon boss throw him a satisfied smile, Xander smirked to himself. That one would never find out that his jovial new bartender simply itched to kill his customers, playing games in his head while he worked.

Let’s see, a long sword for the two martinis and the margarita on the right. A sharpened stake for the Bloody Mary on the left, shoved right through the center of his unbeating heart.

“Hi, welcome aboard. What can I get for you?”

*****

“I think it’s just a little farther down this hall.”

“That’s what you said ten minutes ago when we passed that amoeba shaped swimmin’ pool for the second time.”

“What did you expect their swimming pool to look like? Mickey Mouse? The ears could be the shallow ends.”

“That’s not the soddin’ point and you know it.”

She sighed. “Fine. So where do you think the library is located?”

He couldn’t resist. “Where all the books are shelved of course.”

******

Willow was bored witless. After three days, she had no wit left, absolutely none at all. So far she’d spent a lot of time playing the Rorschach game. The stain over there resembles a bat, that one’s definitely a tree.... The one over the long table was tough, but if she squinted her eyes just right, it resembled a Chumash warrior, replete with long knife. Or maybe holding a snake skin. Did they carry snake skins?

She shook her head and sighed. It was patently obvious that not one single passenger cared about the dog eared paperbacks moldering on the shelves of the Malfeasance library or the antiquated computers. Anyone that actually wandered in, and those were extremely few and far between, took one look and immediately turned on their heels. Willow completely understood. After all these computers weren’t for the faint of heart, or anyone who actually expected something comparable to Kinko’s or an elementary school classroom.

But they’d look pretty good in an eighties music video next to some heavy metal singer with a sledge hammer.

Since most demons didn’t care a fig for email, or have a clue how to actually operate a computer and employees weren’t allowed to touch them, it didn’t really seem to matter anyway that the place was a tomb.

Hopefully not literally a tomb. Because after all, I don’t want to be entombed. No sir, this is absolutely not a tomb kind of place. Maybe more of a nice cave, complete with its very own picture of a bat. Willow laid her head in her hands and sighed, wincing at the echo.

Excited that someone with an actual working knowledge of computers had finally taken the perpetually open position, Willow’s boss offered her the option of making her own hours, provided she came in at some point during both shifts and checked to see that the computers were still operational. Huh. Like it matters. So over the past couple days, she’d become sort of a drive by computer tech/librarian. Without any real need for the librarian part of the title, or the computer tech part either.

Her agreement had sent her boss gleefully flying out the door, never to be seen or heard from again. Willow had been so nervous in front of the excited demon that she’d forgotten to ask her name, or how she could be reached, or find out if she was really just a figment of her own overactive imagination, or considering the tomb-like state of the library, possibly a ghost.

With nothing better to do and expecting Buffy at some point, she’d spent the evening sitting at the desk playing the stain game or reading one of the few paperbacks that didn’t have blood or some other indecipherably creepy smear on the yellowed pages, and fighting to stay awake.

Hearing noises, she looked up to see Buffy and Spike stroll through the door with Empress. The Grundy was sporting an enormous stained peach bow with frayed ends and bouncing all around their feet.

She saw Willow, crooned loudly and dashed through the room, jerking her leash out of Spike’s hand. Dragging the leash across the floor behind her, she alternated between jumping straight up in the air and running full speed around the room, tail straight out behind her. After a couple passes, she added in sliding beneath the tables and chairs.

No one attempted to stop her. When the Grundy got in one of her excited moods, it was a whole lot better for everyone involved to just let her wind down naturally on her own.

“Hey guys, it’s so good to see you.”

“‘Lo Red, how’s gainful employment?” Spike took a look at the heavy lidded woman with the glazed eyes and grinned. “Tough gig, huh?”

“Demons just aren’t interested in joining the vast exciting world of the internet, or the smaller, more mundane world of the 1960’s paperback novel.”

She leaned down to speak to the Grundy during one of her flybys. “How’s my girl? Looks like you’ve definitely got your sea legs.” She pulled a piece of wood out of her top desk drawer and waved it in the air. “Here baby, this is for you.”

They all watched the little demon’s nose twitch. She sniffed the air and skidded to a stop beside the desk. Leaping in the air Empress snatched the chunk of wood from Willow’s outstretched hand. Clutching it in her mouth, she immediately laid down to happily chomp her snack, tail thumping mightily. She was starting to enjoy this trip a bit more now that a decent snack had put in an appearance.

Now that Empress was calmer, Buffy pulled a sheet of paper out of her pocket. “We’ve already got a little job for you.”

“Oh, a job is very good. What kind of job? ‘Cause I’ll do whatever. I’ve got plenty of time.”

“This is a sketch of a tat and we need to find out everything we can about it. It may be absolutely nothing, but it’s inked on the wrist of someone we got an odd feeling about and Empress seriously disliked. We’ll check back tonight after dinner, say around 11:00.”

Willow was already sitting down at a computer. “I’ll check it out and wait here for you. If I’m asleep, just nudge me.”

*****

Having left to find the library immediately after sharing their stunning view, the couple rushed back to their room to unpack and change before dinner. They had barely closed their door when someone knocked loudly.

Spike opened the door to find a short uniformed demon with a ruddy complexion and three nose rings. “I’m Roc, your room steward. Somehow I missed you earlier.” Starting to push past Spike, he tried to cross the threshold.

Spike smoothly blocked his entrance. “Nice to meet you, mate, but I’m afraid now isn’t a good time for a visit. My girl’s gettin’ dressed for dinner.”

“I’d like to make sure that everything has been prepared to your satisfaction. The cruise line takes its responsibilities very seriously and so do I.” He moved to walk around Spike when a snarling Grundy blocked his way.

Empress watched him, serrated teeth bared as Spike gripped his arm, wrinkling the sleeve of the pristine uniform. “I wouldn’t try it if I were you. She hasn’t had her dinner and neither have I.” He shifted into game face for an instant.

The steward held his other hand up. “No problem.”

Spike released his arm. “Nice tat.”

Standing up straight, the steward stared into the vampire’s cold eyes and replied sullenly. “I’ll check back with you at another, more convenient time. Please enjoy your stay.”

Buffy walked in from the balcony where she’d gone to check out the view again as Spike firmly shut the door. “Who was that?”

“Some room steward. He wanted to come in for a visit, but Empress and I decided now wasn’t a good time. He didn’t take it well.”

Buffy frowned. “I’ve never been on a cruise, and this is a demonic one, so I guess that makes me less than an expert, but the employees here have been pretty crummy so far.”

“They’re all terrible, but don’t let it get to you, Slayer.”

“Yeah. It’s not like I had to pay for it and hey, on the upside at least none of them have tried to kill us yet.”

“I’d say ‘yet’ is the operable word here. Buffy, he had a tattoo on his wrist that looked a lot like the one Red’s lookin’ up.”

“It’s a good thing we’re checking it out, because unless it’s some sort of indentured servant thing, we need to know what’s going on. We really need to find Aria sooner rather than later, too, just in case. But right now, we both have to change so we don’t miss our dinner seating. Maybe it’s the salt air, but I’m starving.”

Spike watched the Slayer pick up her suitcases and head for the bedroom. Worried, he grabbed his stuff and followed.

Buffy stood inside the door staring at the king sized bed that comprised the entire room. When she turned toward him, Spike set his bags down. “Slayer?”

“It looks like we have two bathrooms and even his and hers dressing areas with a closet in each.” Her voice sounded amused. “They gave us two of everything else; too bad they didn’t split the one big bed into two little ones.”

“I can sleep on the couch or even on the floor. It’s not a problem, pet, I’ve slept on far worse.” Relieved at her manner, he offered quietly and waited.

She thought it through. “We’ve got to stay underneath the radar as just another couple on vacation and now we’ve got that steward to consider, too.” She bit her lip, trying to decide what to do.

Spike was starting to fidget in the growing silence when Empress trotted into the room. Pushing past the couple, she leaped, settling in the middle of the huge bed. Her head on her front paws; she looked at them and sighed loudly. Simultaneously, they both chuckled, shattering the uncomfortable silence.

Squaring her shoulders, Buffy announced, “I think we should compromise, the bed’s plenty big enough for all of us.” Before Spike could respond, she shrugged. “It’s really no big. Besides, it’ll be fine with the Grundy between us. She’ll be our furry chaperone.” Embarrassment crossed her face. “Not that either of us needs a chaperone of course, it’s just a figure of speech.”

“Of course, pet. Never thought it was anythin’ else. That sounds like a good solution.”

“I’ll see you in a little while, I’m going to take a shower and get dressed for our first Time Tunnel trip.”

Carrying her bags, she headed into her dressing area, certain that she’d made the right decision. Sure, it would be a little strange sleeping next to Empress, with Spike right on the other side, but the bed was enormous and neither of them nor the Grundy took up much space, so there’d be plenty of room. Besides, they’d already shared a motel room once before and this time they even had separate bathrooms.

Left standing by the bedroom door alone, Spike was pleasantly surprised at the Slayer’s announcement. He hadn’t expected that much rationality from Buffy Summers. Waiting through that interminable silence, Spike had expected the Slayer to request that he sleep on the sliver of available floor. For the sake of their friendship, he’d already decided he would agree. Instead she’d offered to share the bed with him and the Grundy.

Spike chuckled to himself. He knew the Slayer thought this a novel approach; all of them together in one bed, but Spike was a vampire. He’d slept away many a day in spaces that held Dru, sometimes Darla and even Angelus a few times. To quote the Slayer, it’s no big.

And although Buffy wasn’t aware of it, Spike actually slept every night with Empress. The Grundy enjoyed the soft bed over the hard crypt floor and Spike craved the warmth her fur provided. The only difference between the crypt and this cruise would be the Slayer sleeping on the other side of Empress.

Shaking off a tantalizing image of Buffy sleeping in a sheer nightgown that rose unbidden in his brain- where the bloody hell had that come from? Must have been the Slayer’s chaperone comment-Spike grabbed his own stuff and headed for the second bathroom. It was also time for him to do the Time Warp. Happily humming Riff Raff’s contribution, Spike closed the bathroom door.

Once the bathroom doors were both shut, Empress lifted her head and waited. When she heard both showers start, she reached around and tugged lightly with her teeth. The frayed peach bow pulled free. Holding it in her teeth, she dropped to the floor and crawled under the bed, stuffing the wrinkled bow in the far corner.

Satisfied with both of tonight’s achievements, she jumped back on the bed and settled down again. Dropping her head back on her front paws, the Grundy smugly waited for her two favorite, albeit thick, caretakers.

*****

“Hey, Will. Have you seen Buffy yet? What’s up?”

Willow glanced up from the monitor. “Hi Xander. Buffy and Spike left here about a half hour ago. How was your first day serving actual people?”

“I think the term ‘people’ should be applied in the loosest sense of the word. I served more demon drinks than I did actual liquor, although none to a certain you-know-who.”

Xander dropped in a chair, propping his feet on Willow’s dusty desk. “Did you know that the Captain hired a new first mate for this cruise? The last one fell overboard from the bridge during the end-of-cruise employee party a month ago. I think it definitely gives a new perspective to that saying ‘party ‘til you drop.’”

“Really? That’s interesting, I guess.” Distracted, Willow tapped the computer keyboard before adding, “You should definitely keep an eye out for you-know-who, although I’m beginning to think that sounds too much like a Harry Potter novel. We need to come up with a better word for her. Although she is a demon, so maybe that one really does work.”

Idly Xander picked up Willow’s paperback and read the back cover. Disgusted, he laid it back down. “So, Will, when it comes time for the party at the end of this cruise, remind me to say thanks, but no thanks. I mean, they could be out here, right? They wereused to swimming distances and at the end, they seriously hated me.”

“Xander, I don’t think the Sunnydale swim team is way out here.” Willow stared into the old monitor and started typing again. “I just hope that picture Dess gave us is current. Otherwise we’re going to have trouble finding you-know-who in this crowd. I understand why we couldn’t have any contact ahead of time to set up some kind of real meeting, but it’s difficult to locate a single person among several hundred, especially on a ship that’s three levels. And we don’t have a clue what she likes to do. What if she spends all her time inside the casino or something?”

She watched Xander checking out the small pile of paperbacks next to her desk. “I could probably hack into the ship’s data base and find out which cabin she’s in, but I’m afraid they’ll detect me. They’ve probably got someone who knows what they’re doing up there for security. What if they noticed I was looking for a particular person? It’s too risky.”

Willow knew she was babbling, but she’d had a lot of time on her hands the last couple days to get her worry on.

Used to his best friend’s babbling, Xander shrugged. “I’m just hoping her hair is still the same way it is in the photo. It’ll be fairly hard to miss someone with long black hair and bleached white ends, even among this crowd.”

He watched Willow read the computer screen for a minute before continuing his train of thought. “But if she’s anything like Anya, then it’s a lost cause, because that picture will be four shades and three hair styles ago.”

Willow glanced up from the screen again. “Where is Anya? I haven’t seen her all day. I miss you guys being able to walk in and talk to me.”

“She’s taking a nap. That demon she’s stuck working for decided that since the store has to be open 24/7, they all have to do split shifts. She has to go back in at 11:00.”

“Why, that’s terrible.”

“Such is the plight of the retail worker bee. So, having never seen you do anything the past two days but read and sleep the sleep of the bored, I ask again with greater curiosity, what are you doing?”

Still clicking away on the keys, Willow brought Xander up to date. By the time she’d finished explaining, he’d pulled his chair around to block anyone’s view from the door and they were scrolling through the information that had finally popped up.





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