“Look, Spike, I can see why you’re blaming yourself.” Buffy had remained silent, waiting for Spike to tell her the whole story, and now when he was done, she chose her words carefully. “But at least you got Billy away from her. In the end, you made sure Drusilla wouldn’t be able to hurt him again.”
Spike snorted. “You make me come out like some kind of hero. Believe me, pet, I’m not.” She opened her mouth, but he wasn’t finished. “Said so yourself; in the end I got him away. Well, that’s just not good enough. Should’ve done something a hell of a lot sooner.”
Buffy nodded, slowly. “Maybe. But...”
“No, don’t you see? I should’ve...” Spike hesitated, wishing she would just see things his way. “If I had just listened to Billy, taken him seriously, like any decent parent would have, then he wouldn’t have gotten hurt in the first place. Can’t you see I’m the one to blame here?” She just looked at him, and he rolled his eyes. “Oh, for the love of... Stop looking at me like that!”
He reached for the bottle, making himself busy pouring more wine into his glass, anything so he wouldn’t have to look at her. He just couldn’t stand seeing the sympathy in her eyes. Buffy really was young and naive, and although a part of him couldn’t help but find it refreshing, it just made him feel even worse about himself. He didn’t deserve her sympathy, why couldn’t she see that?
She should be yelling at him, telling him what a horrible father he was. Not just keep looking at him with those big, innocent eyes while her mind was clearly working overdrive to come up with some way to make him feel better. It just wasn’t right. He had finally told her the story of his life, at least parts of it, expecting her to be appalled. Disgust and loathing; that he could deal with. Kindness and compassion, he could not. However, her next words took him by surprise.
“Maybe you’re right.” He looked up, startled, but she went on before he could say anything; “Maybe you should have done something sooner. But tell me this...” She looked at him, expectantly. “Did Billy ever say anything about his mother hurting him?”
Spike shook his head, not sure where she was going with this. “No. But...”
Buffy interrupted him. “Did you ever – even for a moment – suspect that she did?” A part of her was terrified that he would say yes.
“Course not!” He looked almost offended, much to her relief. “But that’s not the point now, is it? Even if she’d never laid a hand on him before, it was obvious that he wasn’t comfortable being around her. And I never stopped and asked myself why.”
“Okay, I see your point.” Buffy was quiet for a moment. “You can’t change the past, Spike, no matter how much you want to. But you can do something about the future. And the way I see it, that’s what you’re doing. By leaving Drusilla and coming here, you’re making a better future for Billy. And that’s what’s important.”
He let out a shuddering breath. “What if it’s too late?”
“You can’t go on thinking like that.” Buffy gave him a firm look. “So, you’re not perfect. But guess what? No one is. When I look at you, I see a man who’s willing to do anything for his son. A man who has made some mistakes in the past, yes, but he has also learned from them and wants to make things better.” She paused. “You’re not a bad father, Spike. Billy’s lucky to have you.”
“Yeah, real lucky.” Spike let out a bitter laugh.
“I think you’re being too hard on yourself.” Buffy sighed. “You’re right; what happened was bad, but it’s over now. You have to let it go, for Billy’s sake if not for your own. And you seem to be forgetting something important.”
Spike gave her a questioning look. “Yeah? What’s that?”
“Billy’s not the only one who got hurt. Drusilla betrayed you, as well.” Spike lowered his eyes, but she gently put her hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at her. “Don’t try to pretend it doesn’t matter. It’s true, and you know it. You loved her, and she hurt you in the worst possible way. For that, I’m really sorry.”
He leaned over and kissed her. It was either that, or start blubbering, and if the story about his pathetic past hadn’t managed to scare her away, he was fully convinced that breaking down in tears like a bloody nancy-boy would. So he did the only thing he could think of; pressing his lips against hers almost fiercely, silently praying that she would drop the subject and let him keep what little dignity he had left. But if Buffy was surprised by his actions, she didn’t let it show.
Instead she just slipped her arms around his neck and returned the kiss, with so much passion that he felt like he was choking. And all of the sudden, he realized that he never wanted to let her go. In fact, the mere thought of losing Buffy terrified him in a way he couldn’t even begin to explain, even to himself. So he just tightened his grip around her, and when they finally had to pull back for air, he rested his forehead against hers, squeezing his eyes shut so he wouldn’t have to see the rejection a part of him still expected to find if he would allow himself to look at her.
“Spike?”
Buffy pulled back a little, and he found himself reluctantly meeting her eyes. He took a deep breath. “Buffy, I...”
She put a finger on his lips to stop him. “Spike, we have only known each other for about a week...”
Pulling back abruptly, Spike swallowed hard, feeling like someone had just punched him in the stomach. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have...”
“No, let me finish! Please...” Buffy grabbed his arm, like she was suddenly afraid that if she wouldn’t hold on to him, he would run away from her and never come back. She was beyond relieved when he didn’t move away any further, just waited for her to go on. Problem was, she had no idea how. When she finally spoke, her voice was trembling. “When I’m around you, I’m feeling things I’ve never felt before. And it scares the hell out of me.” A pause. “I don’t know about you, but...”
Eyes widening in surprise, Spike quickly interrupted her; “Same here. Scares me, too.”
Buffy let out the breath she had been holding, looking at him hopefully. “Really?” He just nodded. “Oh, thank God!”
He relaxed a little, although he was almost afraid to ask the next question; “So, now what?”
“I- I don’t know.” Buffy looked down at her hands, and realized that they were shaking. “I don’t even know how this is possible. But right now, all I can think about...” She glanced up again, giving him a pleading look as she went on; “...is that if you don’t kiss me again, like right now, I’m going to die.”
Spike couldn’t help but chuckle, although, when their eyes met, he immediately became serious. Because he suddenly felt exactly the same way. Without a word, he pulled her into his arms, softly brushing his lips against hers. And when Buffy returned the kiss, almost desperately, the rest of the world ceased to exist.
TBC