“I’m sorry.” Spike swallowed, looking down at his hands. Realizing how lame it came out, he nearly cringed. “Should’ve been here.”
Billy didn’t object, nor did he agree. It was obvious that he had other things on his mind. “So it’s okay to lie to bad people?”
“I...” Spike held back a sigh, not sure how to respond. “S’not that simple, all right?” Billy just stared at him. “Look, thing is, people are lying all the time. Mostly to protect themselves. Sometimes it’s necessary.”
The boy got a doubtful expression on his face. “But you’ve always said lying is bad. How do you know when it’s not?”
“Let me get this straight...” Spike gave his son a firm look. “Lying’s never a good thing. But sometimes, it might be better than telling the truth. Making up stories just for the sake of it is never okay. There’s always consequences. You’ll just have to decide when it’s worth it.”
Billy raised a brow. “So, if I think I can get away with it...?”
“Not okay!” Spike rolled his eyes. “Christ, I’m bad at this. Look, Billy, if you keep lying...”
“I know, I know.” Billy sighed. “Keep lying, and people won’t believe me when I’m telling the truth. Buffy told me ‘bout the wolf.”
“The what?” Spike was confused for a moment, before understanding was dawning on him. “Oh, right. Never liked that story.”
Billy shook his head in agreement. “Me neither. Bloody stupid.” Spike opened his mouth, but the boy quickly went on; “When Buffy was little, she told her mum the house was on fire.”
Spike failed to hold back a chuckle. “That right?”
“Uh-huh.” Billy nodded. “Buffy said her mum got really mad.” A pause. “But she didn’t hit her.”
Spike’s smile disappeared and his face darkened. “Yeah, well, Buffy’s mum was a good lady. She knew it was wrong to hurt other people.”
“Yeah.” Billy was quiet for a moment. “Know what else Buffy said?” Spike shook his head. “That something in Mum’s head made it so she couldn’t tell the difference between right and wrong.”
Closing his eyes briefly, Spike nodded. “That’s right. Your mum was sick. We’ve talked about this.”
“I know.” Billy bit his lip, thoughtfully. “Does that mean it wasn’t really her fault? What she did? ‘Cause she just couldn’t help it?”
“In a way, I s’pose.” Spike let out a sigh. “Bit more complicated, though. Doesn’t really matter if she could help it or not. What’s wrong’s still wrong. There are certain things you just can’t take back. What your mum did’s one of them. For a long time, I didn’t wanna believe it. Then I realized...” He stopped, wondering how he could explain something he didn’t quite understand himself.
“What?” Billy watched his father with curiosity and interest.
Sighing again, Spike went on; “Realized I was lying to myself, which is just as bad as lying to other people.” A beat. “Remember when you tried to tell me...” He hesitated. “...something ‘bout your mum. And I accused you of lying?”
Lowering his eyes in shame, Billy nodded. Spike continued; “You were right when you said I didn’t listen to you. Truth is, I didn’t want to listen. ‘Cause deep down, I knew you were telling the truth. And I was afraid to admit it.”
Billy glanced up at his father with wide eyes. “Why?”
Spike shrugged. “Dunno. Was a coward, I guess. Point is, I made a mistake.” Rolling his eyes, he corrected himself; “Done a lot of mistakes. And a lot of what happened could’ve been avoided if I’d just listened to you in the first place. You didn’t do anything wrong – I did. You understand?”
Shaking his head, Billy gave him a look of confusion. “Then why’d you get so mad at me?”
Images of Billy’s face – sobbing and pleading with him to listen, insisting he was telling the truth – flashed through Spike’s mind, and he felt a pang in his chest. More than anything, he wished he could just take his selfish words and actions back. Of course, he knew it was impossible. Like he had told the boy, there were things you just couldn’t take back, no matter how much you wanted to.
Now he wasn’t sure Billy would ever understand, but he still felt the need to at least try to explain. “Wasn’t really you I was mad at. I was mad at myself, and I took it out on you. It was wrong, and there are really no excuses for what I did. But...” He swallowed hard. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I love you, Billy. I’d never deliberately do anything to hurt you.”
“I know, s’okay.” Billy raised his head and their eyes met. Suddenly he looked a little uncertain. “Dad? Am I a bad person if I’m glad Mum’s gone?” Certain that his voice would fail him if he tried to speak; Spike could only shake his head. Billy tilted his head to the side. “Are you glad she’s gone?”
Inhaling shakily, Spike struggled to come up with an appropriate answer. Finally he sighed. “M’not happy she’s dead. But...” He hesitated, wondering how he could tell the boy that a part of him was actually a little relieved. In a way, he couldn’t help but feel sorry for Drusilla. Maybe it was really more about pity. But still, he had loved her once. He felt like he should be able to mourn her.
But the truth was, it was hard. Spike tried to recall the last time he and Drusilla had actually been happy together. He knew that he had been deeply in love with her, and he had always believed that his feelings had been mutual, at least from the beginning. Maybe he had been hoping that his love would be enough for both of them, that in time, she would come to realize what she had.
If it hadn’t been for Billy, it was most likely that he had kept putting his own feelings aside and stayed with Dru. Deep down, he knew that he deserved better. But instead of confronting her, he had just buried himself in his work, as if that would make the problems go away. The truth was, he had made it easy for Dru to betray him.
Even though a part of him would probably always blame himself, that was just it. Drusilla had betrayed him. And more importantly; she had hurt Billy, and not just physically. It had opened his eyes and forced him to see things for what they really were. And the truth wasn’t pretty.
He hadn’t exactly been lying to Billy – he wasn’t happy Drusilla was dead. But he wasn’t really sad, either. To tell the truth, all feelings for his wife had died the moment he realized what she was capable of. And it left him with a feeling of numbness inside. Even if he wanted to mourn her, to feel some kind of grief for losing the mother of his son, he didn’t think he could. Maybe some day, but not yet.
“Look, Billy, I understand how you feel. And it’s okay.” Spike paused. “Things are gonna get better now. I promise.”
“Yeah.” Billy nodded, slowly. Then he yawned. “M’tired.”
Spike nodded in understanding. “Try to get some sleep, then. I’ll just...” He hesitated. “Want me to stay here?”
“No, s’all right.” Billy slid back down under the covers. “You can go to Buffy now.”
“Um...” Spike cleared his throat. “Buffy’s probably asleep, why would I...?”
Billy rolled his eyes. “M’not stupid; I know she’s waiting for you to come, so you guys can kiss and stuff.” He made a face of disgust.
Staring at his son in disbelief, Spike didn’t know if he should be horrified or amused. “S’nothing wrong with kissing...” he finally muttered, somewhat defensively. Billy didn’t look convinced, although he didn’t say anything more. Instead he just curled up on his side and closed his eyes. A moment later, he was deep asleep.
“You awake, luv?” Spike slipped into the dark bedroom, closing the door behind him and slowly moving towards the bed. He cursed loudly when he stumbled on something and hit his toe on a chair. “Bloody stupid piece of crap!”
“Spike?” Buffy sat up with a start, reaching blindly for the light switch to the small table lamp on the nightstand. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, m’fine.” He quickly slipped under the covers and pulled her into his arms, burying his face in her hair. “God, I’ve missed this.”
“What, smelling my hair?” Buffy smiled a little, wrapping her arms around him. “I’ve missed you, too.” For a moment, neither of them said anything. Finally she spoke up again, quietly. “So, how’s Billy dealing with all of this?”
“Hard to say.” Spike let out a tired sigh. “Seems to be doing fine, but...” He hesitated. “After what happened, is that even possible? I mean, what he had to go through, I can’t even...”
“Spike...” Buffy interrupted him, a soft note in her voice. “Billy’s strong, just like you. He’ll be okay. Just give him some time. And maybe...” She bit her lip.
Seeing her hesitation, Spike raised a brow, his fingers playing softly with her hair. “What?”
Buffy raised her eyes to meet his. “Maybe he needs to talk to someone. Not just about what happened tonight, but all of it. Might be good for him.” Seeing the doubtful look on Spike’s face, she hurried to add; “You said so yourself; he’s been through a lot.”
“Yeah, but...” Spike suddenly looked uncertain. “I’m his father; I should be able to help him.”
“And you will, honey.” Buffy brushed her lips gently against his cheek. “We’ll both be there for him. But sometimes it helps to talk to someone else as well.” She lowered her eyes. “Never told you this, but I went to see a therapist a couple of times after my mom died. She really helped me see things from a whole new perspective.”
Spike nodded in understanding, although he still seemed a bit skeptical. “See your point. I’ll think about it.” He paused. “Really think it would help him?” Buffy nodded. “All right, then. I’ll look into it.”
Buffy was quiet for a moment, just enjoying the feeling of finally being back in Spike’s arms. Then she glanced at him. “What about you? Are you gonna be okay? Do you wanna talk about it, or...?”
“Yeah, but not right now.” Spike ran his fingers gently down her cheek. “Not trying to push you away, pet, I know there’s a lot to talk about. But can it wait?” He silently begged her to understand. “Right now, I just wanna be with you. Pretend that everything’s okay. Just for a little while.”
She nodded in agreement. To tell the truth, she wasn’t really in a mood for any deeper conversations at the moment, either. “Fine by me. But...” She looked him right in the eyes as she went on; “It’s over now. It’s gonna take some time, but we will get past this. All of us. Together.”
He felt relief welling up inside him, touched by her words. “Yeah. Absolutely.” Their lips met in a soft, tender kiss.
They were both exhausted, but as the kissing got more intense, they soon forgot all ideas about sleeping. In fact, it took several hours before they finally drifted off, him on top of her with his cock still buried deep inside her. And for a moment, both of them felt more peaceful than they had for a long time.
TBC