Spike was right.
This wasn't the time to fall apart. Not with her mother lying in a hospital bed, and not surrounded by her family watching every move she made. Buffy took a slow, deep breath to steady herself before stepping forward.
"Hi Mommy," she said, taking a seat in the chair by the bed. Leaning forward, she slipped her mother's hand between her own. She swallowed back another ripple of distress at seeing her mother so pale that she almost faded into the crisp white sheets. Despite everything, she smiled hoping that her mother wouldn't notice anything wrong.
"Hello," her mother said, squeezing Buffy's hand. "I was worried about you driving home."
"You shouldn't have been," Buffy chuckled. "It's more dangerous to drive on the freeways in LA than the highway home. I was okay except for worrying about you."
"Mom's going to be fine," Dawn said from where she was standing on the other side of the bed.
"Of course she is," Buffy said, continuing to smile although her face hurt from the fakeness of her expression. "She's Super Mom."
"Now you're being overly dramatic," Joyce said. She looked around at the others. "Buffy's here, so why don't all of you go get a bite to eat or something? You haven't left the room in hours."
"Good idea," Spike said. "We've been hogging the beautiful lady's time. It's time someone else got to bask in her glow."
"That's the lights on the machines," Xander quipped. "It's turning everything such a lovely shade of green."
Buffy didn't pay much attention to everyone's absurd chatter. All she wanted to do was focus on her mother. It had been too long since she'd been home. Too long with only short conversations that never really went into anything deeper than trivial events of everyday life. There were so many things she wanted to say, and even as guilty as she felt about it, she wanted her mom to reassure her that everything was going to be all right.
"Okay," Dawn said, kissing their mother on the cheek. "We'll just be down in the cafeteria."
"We'll be fine," Joyce said. "Go on."
"Call us if you need anything," Spike said, before following Dawn and Xander into the hallway. He winked as he let the door swing shut behind him.
Overcome with relief at being alone with her mother, Buffy's eyes filled with tears. She blinked, trying to keep them from overflowing. It didn't help. They ran in silent rivers down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry," Buffy said, with a forced giggle. "I've missed you."
"I've missed you, too. It's a shame that it took me being in the hospital for you to finally come home."
It didn't matter how old she was, somehow her mother managed to make her feel like she was seven. There was no way she could explain her absence that would make sense, at least not to anyone except herself. It was embarrassing to come home a failure with her tail tucked between her legs. Although it had been years since she had left for Los Angeles, she'd never forgotten all the reasons why she'd left home. A successful marriage, a family and becoming more than her parents had been, wasn't that what children where supposed to do? She hadn't. All her dreams had been destroyed and some mornings it took all she had to get out of bed.
"I've been busy," Buffy lied.
"No, you feel that we'll think less of you because you're divorced. I was never overly fond of Riley anyway. He was never satisfied with you and always tried to make you prove your love. You're better off without him."
"Mom," Buffy said, with a sigh. She had to look away in order to continue. "There were a lot of good things about him. It's not his fault that I couldn't have babies." Her inability to conceive was the hardest failure to admit. It broke up her marriage, left her so lacking in self-esteem that she stopped fighting for promotions at work, and was more than willing to hide away in a life that didn't make her happy. Just like every other time the subject came up, Buffy pushed it back into a corner somewhere deep inside herself. "No more talk about me. I'm here and will be as long as you need me. Now, tell me what's going on?"
"Those headaches I told you about kept getting worse and coming almost every day," Joyce explained. "So, I went to the doctor and they did an MRI. There's a shadow, whatever that means, and they want to do exploratory surgery and take a biopsy."
"Is your doctor named Columbus?" Buffy quipped, when there were a thousand other questions on the tip of her tongue. Most importantly, what her mother's chances of survival were, but Buffy bit them back. She could tell her mother was trying very hard to be practical. Any more inquiry would probably help her mother give in to her fears, and that wasn't something Buffy wanted. Later when her mother was sleeping, she could get Dawn to tell her everything she wanted to know.
"Very funny." Her mother smiled which was what Buffy wanted to happen. "I'm glad you’re here," Joyce continued. "I love Dawn, but this is really hard on her, and I need to tell you some things."
"Mom, we'll have time…"
"No, Buffy, listen to me. Please."
Everything exploded inside of her at her mother's insistence to talk. Working for a law firm, Buffy knew the disastrous results when a family didn't know everything they should when a loved one passed away. Despite the need to be practical, this was her mother, and losing her was too unimaginable to consider. She wanted to scream at God for making her mother ill. Screaming at the wall would do just as well. She'd already tried too many times in the past to pray, to ask why, to scream until she got some kind of answer, but God ignored her. She was on her own, so somehow she gathered her courage, squeezed her mother's hand and nodded.
The relief on her mother's face was evident. "The original of my insurance policies and other papers are in my safe deposit box, but there are copies in my desk." She stopped, putting her hand over her mouth, as she tried to fight back tears. "And, god, Buffy please, if something happens, please don't keep me alive with machines. Let me go."
Years before, Buffy had signed the necessary paperwork giving her medical power-of-attorney over her mother in case of an emergency. At the time, they both laughed about it because they seemed invincible. Now it was a horrific reality, and she might be called upon to act in that capacity in the next few days.
"Is everything on file with the hospital?" Buffy asked, trying to be the responsible adult her mother needed.
"Yes," Joyce said. "Everything is ready." She squeezed Buffy's hand. "They'll come to you if any decisions…need to be made."
It was too much. She couldn't try to be strong anymore. She laid her head on the bed to let herself cry. The familiar comfort of her mother holding onto her hand only made her feel worse. She was supposed to be strong, but she only felt weak.
"I'm sorry, baby," Joyce said.
Sniffling, Buffy raised her head so she could look at her mother. "Don't be. I'm the one who should be sorry. I said I wouldn't get upset but what did I do? Start blubbering all over the place."
"I've been doing it a lot since this happened. You're entitled especially since you just found out. But, sweetie, you have mascara all over your face," Joyce said, grinning. "You better fix it before you scare someone. My doctor is kind of cute."
"Damn it," Buffy reached over to the steel table next to the bed to grab some tissues. "I hate when that happens."
Joyce waited until after Buffy repaired her face before she fired some more bullets into Buffy's already broken heart. "Be patient with Dawn." Joyce lifted her hand. "I know she can be a brat at times, but she really doesn’t know how to handle so many things. If I haven't taken care of her, then it was Xander. In a lot of ways she's still a child."
"I will," Buffy promised, wishing that she could be the baby. Then maybe someone would take of her during all of this. It would be so much easier then having to be the adult.
"And most of all please be happy again."
"I am. Please don't worry about me. You need to concentrate on you."
"No, I need to say this," Joyce said, cupping Buffy's cheek. "You haven't been happy in a long time. Not since you found out that you couldn't conceive. As much as I love my girls, I learned that I couldn’t let you be the source of all my happiness. Find something to be passionate about…and someone who can love you the way you are and not divorce you to marry the first fertile female who comes along."
"You've always been my champion," Buffy said, leaning into her mother's palm. "I wish I'd come home to let you take care of me. Maybe I wouldn't be such a mess."
"My sweet, brave, Buffy, you're here now and that's all that counts."
Spike leaned against the wall, watching the Summers women. The three of them were amazing. All three of them were lit up as they gossiped, joked, and tried to make each other feel better. He was relieved that Buffy finally brought her ass home. Unable to give her eldest daughter the love and support she wanted through Buffy's divorce had brought a lot of heartache to Joyce. His suggestions of going to Los Angeles to force Buffy to deal with her problems had fallen on deaf ears. He was pissed that it took this to bring mother and daughter back together. Never before had he met such stubborn women.
"Excuse me," the night nurse interrupted as she stepped into the room. "It's late and Joyce needs to get some rest." The syringe of medicine she inserted into Joyce's IV emphasized this. "Say your goodnights."
"Bossy bint," Dawn muttered as the nurse left them alone again.
Xander stretched as he forced himself awake. "Don't be so harsh, Dawn. She's just looking out for your mom."
"Yeah, Joyce will probably be glad to be left alone," Spike said, coming over to the bed.
"You'll be here in the morning," Joyce said, looking around at them with an obvious need to be reassured. "Before I go into surgery."
"We'll be here," Buffy promised, leaning over to kiss her mother's cheek. "Behave yourself."
Spike waited while the others said their goodnights. It was so hard to watch the fear on Joyce's face. Ever since Buffy first brought him home twenty years ago, Joyce was like a second mother to him. He had a hell of a lot of respect for her and the strength she had in making it alone. Joyce was a tough cookie. He wondered if Buffy took after her father in her emotional weakness because in the last year she hadn't shown having any of her mother's strength.
When everyone else stepped into the hallway, Spike took his turn at kissing Joyce. "Sleep tight, precious lady, I'll make sure Buffy is here in the morning."
"Don't be so hard on her," Joyce said, hugging him close. "Promise me you'll take care of her. She'll be all alone if something happens to me."
"Don't make me promise that," Spike said, sitting on the edge of the bed. He ran his fingers through his hair. "I used to think the world of Buffy…still do in a lot of ways. You know that, but in the last couple of years," he shook his head. "She's just not the same."
"When Drusilla died, you had your children to take care of. Buffy's dreams have been taken away from her one at a time. She doesn't have anything to get up for in the morning except for her dog. Please, I need to know that someone is watching out for her."
"You will be," Spike said. "Because everything is going to be fine."
After giving her one more kiss, Spike hurried to the door. He managed to get it open before Joyce's frightened voice came to him.
"And if it's not…then what?"
Joyce wasn't going to let it go. He knew more than the others did what Joyce was facing. Unlike them, unable to accept the brief explanations from the doctors, he hounded the doctors and nurses for answers and for the truth. Rolling his head, he knew he didn't have a choice. He couldn’t lay one more bit of worry on Joyce's head.
"I promise I'll take care of her," Spike said, crossing his heart with his finger. "'Til the end of the world."
"Thank you."
After giving her a nod, he rushed out of the room to find the others. Out in the hallway, he took a deep breath to clear his head. He was trying to be the clearheaded one in the group. Dawn and Buffy were going to be emotional while Xander would be concerned only with Dawn. Someone needed to be thinking, to make sure Joyce was getting what she needed and that everyone was moving in the same direction. Maybe it wasn't his place since he wasn't technically a family member, but they always made him feel as if was. So until they told him to butt out, he wasn’t going anywhere.
Xander was pacing the hallway while Dawn and Buffy waited by the elevators.
"There you are," Xander said. "I thought something had happened to you."
"Just talking to Joyce for a minute," Spike said, reaching around Buffy to push the button for the elevator.
"Since my car is at your house, can you give me a ride there?" Buffy asked.
"Yeah, I can do that," Spike said, looking down into troubled green eyes. He tried not to care, but he could feel himself wanting to hug her despite himself. "And you may as well stay at my house tonight," Spike said. "You'll get more sleep if you don't have to go anywhere else."
Buffy looked surprised, but it didn't take long for her to respond. A brief nod was the only answer she gave. It was enough. He just hoped that Buffy got herself together very soon. He wasn't sure if he could handle taking care of her too long without telling her how he really felt about how she was dealing with everything in her life.
to be continued…