Chapter Twelve
“Spike?” The gruff voice of Buffy’s manly vocal chords echoed sleepily through to the rooms.
She opened the bathroom door and rushed inside when she saw Spike hunched over the toilet bowl.
“Where is my baby?” Spike looked up, surprised at her panicky tone.
“Umm, dunno know. In here somewhere. In my Derby Kelly.”
“What?” Buffy blocked the bathroom door, her boyface dangerously darkening to the deepest purple Spike had ever seen, richer than the royals and scarier than a drag queen in a bar brawl.
“In my stomach.”
“Oh my God! She’ll die instantly from the acid. Quick, throw up again.”
Buffy rushed inside, gripping Spike’s shoulders in one hand while trying to force open his mouth and work on making him gag.
“Jesus Slayer, you’re more insane than I thought.”
“What have you done to my baby?”
“Your baby! I’m the one carrying the runt.”
“Runt? RUNT! Spike, that’s our child!”
“Stop screaming at me in exclamation points!”
Buffy took a breath to begin her freak-out-yelling fest when she noticed Spike’s attire. He’d gone to bed in the cutest little bra and panty set, covered in juicy strawberries after they’d had a bit of nookie just to freak out Angel with their crazy lust bunny scents.
Which were acting up again, Buffy’s boxers began a mutiny against flaccidity. Spike’s newly manned body was straining the tiny panties.
“What’s happen -- Spike's a man.”
The froofy hair preceded Angel’s entrance into the room, looking over at shock at the blonde men standing in the bathroom, two seconds away from lip lock.
“You guys want to hear my story?”
Staring into each others eyes, the blondes mutually sighed and turned to Angel.
“Lead the way, Brood Man!”
****
Buffy sorta wishing she had some form of recording device to witness the absurdity of situation: three men, two who have recently been women, two who have recently been dead and one whose dead status is un and they’re all attracted to each other. Yep, absurd.
“So then I was dreaming of the nuns again, but with Darla in the habit and I felt this thing all over my physical body—”
“Does this pointless anecdote of your religion kink have a point?”
The pointed glares from the other two males in the room did nothing to halt the snark from its escape route via Spike’s mouth. He needed a little extra incentive. It came from a raised Buffy eyebrow and one word that secretly held a whole bunch.
“Spike.” A.k.a. Spike, if you don’t keep quiet we’ll not get to find out how high you squeal when your boy button is pressed.
Angel’s chest rumbled in an attempt of menace. The nonplussed Spike and Buffy just had another heated glance.
“Angel, your growling hasn’t intimidated me since the 17th Century.”
“I’m going to overlook your inability of simple mathematics and resume telling Buffyhow Conner was born, so maybe we can figure out how you two are pregnant.”
Spike huffed barely beneath his breath and turned his gorgeously man face away, not wanting Buffy to see the murder written across his forehead arrowing in the direction of the captain of all upper head regions.
“If something is wrong with my child, I’m blaming you Mr ‘Speed limits aren’t applicable in demon run hovels especially when your ex-squeeze knocked up your other ex-squeeze and you want some squeezey action’.”
The warnings about speaking had obviously gone through one of Spike’s ears and out the other. Although, this time, he warranted a point. Buffy’s glare in Angel’s direction and a soothing hand rubbing Spike’s stomach proved as much.
“That bend came out of nowhere, I swear! I didn’t know we’d veer off road.”
“Angel, we didn’t need to get to LA so quickly. Especially if it’s because of evil Wolfram and Hart sports car technology. And I like Frisco, we would have fit in.” Buffy said.
“Hey, no dissing on the Viper.” Angel’s face scrunched up, hating the memory of Spike’s abuse of the poor machine.
“Can we please get back to my story?”
Buffy and Spike exchanged a cheeky glance. If Angel hadn’t seen the erecting of the pants at the sound of his anxious exasperation, he needed his cataracts cheeks. Getting Angel angry got both of the blondes hot.
A match made in Sunnyhell.
As soon as Angel had finished telling the length story of Conner’s conception, birth and abduction—with additional snipes at Spike—the blondes exchanged ideas, via eyeballs, to get away from Angel as soon as possible in order to get their hands all over each other.
But Angel wouldn’t have it.
Unless he could join in.
Buffy was thinking of oil and different words for absurdity.
“So, LA. Umm, I found Sally and yeah. Didn’t know it was Spike. I watched him…you die by those giant naked mole rat demons and then I jumped on the dragon to divert the rest of the army. But I still don’t see how Spike would be able to have children.”
“Are you that much of a ninny? You stick Stick B into Slot SPIKE. I’m human you stupid git. I can feel the sun. I can make the babies. I can get rashes and pee and get pregnant. I got the Shanhsu.”
“No, no way. It wasn’t meant for you. Just cause you got that Mountain Mist cup—”
“It was Mountain Dew, you ignorant dick. Count the heartbeats in the room. There’s three and you ain’t one.”
Angel and Buffy watched as Spike flew out the doors of the Hyperion, shedding his clothes and looking back at Angel through the glass doors.
Furiously butt naked, Spike was in the sun, with his arms wide open and yelling to the skies, “I can feel the sun on my tallywacker! I’m ALIVE!”
But Spike had failed to remember LA was a demons’ playground and was immediately tackled to the ground by a bulbous Fahunghai demon.
****
“Spike, oh my god, Spike are you okay? Baby, please be okay.”
Buffy was bent over her love’s body, tears dripping down her chiselled face: the picture of a man in agony. Angel hovered, trying to access the damage but all he could see was blood. Spike’s abdomen was obviously an open wound, Buffy desperately trying to stop the blood flow.
“Buffy, let me take a look.”
“Fuck off Angel. You’re the fucking reason why those demons have killed our baby! Find a doctor, NOW!”
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Well guyses, you better love me cause I am currently at uni on my holidays, posting this chapter for you. My home internet is down, has been for a week. I am exhausted from little to no sleep and three days at my new job. I'm sorry this chapter took so long. First there were exams, then there was sickness then there was no internet and working and I have finally gotten it out. Next one may be along tomorrow if I get off my arse and make my way into uni on Sunday. This chapter was written in the early hours of the morning so there is a great chance there may be stuff that won't make sense.