Chapter 4
I can’t really explain how it feels. It’s like I’m on fire and then suddenly I’m shot out of a cannon. It’s not a pleasant experience. This Behnri character has a thing coming to him if we ever meet up.
As I stand up within some bushes, wiping the dirt from my hands onto my jeans, I can hear muffled voices arguing behind me. Voices that are too damn familiar. I groan, not understanding why I can’t get the hell out of this year. I wasn’t even all that evil then, crippled half the time, even joined forces with the bloody Slayer to take down the big bad. I have nothing to feel guilty about, nothing to correct. Everything went pretty well back here I’d say, relatively speaking of course.
The door slams and I duck down watching as the old me struts down the Summers’ walkway, cursing under his breath and searching for his smokes. When the other me is far enough away, I get out of the bushes and go around to the backyard, knowing it’s better to stick to the shadows, especially with previous me out of that blasted chair and walking about.
I can hear Buffy and her mother arguing as I stand near the back porch. I’ll admit, I always wondered how this conversation went after I left. From what I can hear – and I can hear pretty much everything due to the yelling – it didn’t go very well. Not at all.
With a tiny creak, the back door opens and I hide behind the big oak, watching Buffy linger in the doorway. Joyce’s voice is clear as she tells Buffy she can never come back, there’s a silence between them as Buffy takes in what her mother’s said, her faced filled with sadness and resolve. Without a word Buffy turns and leaves, not closing the door behind her. I want to say something to her, to reach out and get a hold of her, tell her it all works out for the best in the end but for once, I hold my tongue and watch her walk by, flinching as her mother slams the door closed.
I trail behind her, darting to hide when it appears she’s sensed me. She’s just too bloody good and it’s annoying to have to find someplace to go every single time she stops.
“I don’t have time for this,” she says plainly, turning to look in my direction, “I have your boss to kill.”
Apparently, she’s tired of it, too. Just as well, really.
I slowly step out from behind some random building and raise my hands before realizing how utterly lame I look. I lower them quickly but not before I see her roll her eyes at me.
“2001 Spike?”
I smile and nod. “Yeah.”
“Great. Whatever. I don’t have time – “
“I know…I heard.” I nod my head back towards her house and she purses her lips.
“I’m not talking about that.”
“Didn’t ask you to.”
“Why are you here?”
“Isn’t that the question of the year?”
“Which year?”
“Funny, luv.”
“Look, I actually would rather do this with you but I have an elsewhere to be so…”
“No problem. I’ll just wait around until it takes me again.”
“Why don’t you just come with me to the library? Keep me company.” She turns and walks away, not waiting for me to answer which is just so damn typical of her. Like I just follow her everywhere.
Alright, I know I do but she shouldn’t know I do. It’s the assumption that gets me.
“I figure if I ask you what happens, you won’t tell me anyway so I won’t bother either of us with that whole thing,” she says as I catch up to her.
“Who said you weren’t quick?”
She looks at me, eyebrow cocked but she smiles slightly, despite everything and I’ll admit I’m proud of myself for getting it.
“I have to get – “
“The sword, yeah. Been there, done that, remember?”
“But you obviously go back on your deal because ‘hi’, here you are.”
“What can I say? I couldn’t stay away from good old Sunnyhell. Too many fond memories.”
“Really?” Buffy asks, not sure to believe me or not.
“Not in the slightest,” I pause before saying, “But I get some eventually so…”
“With me?” she asks, her eyes widening and a bit of panic in her voice that makes me frown.
“No, not with you.”
“Oh…good. Vampires bad. It’s my new motto.”
“Shouldn’t it already be – “
“Shut it.”
I do.
“I’m scared,” she tells me so quietly that if I weren’t a vampire, I wouldn’t have heard it. “You tell anyone, I’ll stake you.”
“Never,” I promise, making a mark over my heart.
We arrive at the school and she puts her hand on my arm to stop me. I see what she sees and before I can ask her what I can do to help, she’s off – kicking and staking her way through a large group of vamps. I wonder if I should jump in, not because she needs it but because I do. The only thing stopping me is not knowing if it will screw with the space time continuum.
Never figured a Back to the Future marathon would come in so handy. Or, hell, even Xander be more helpful than Rupert right now.
“Spike?”
I turn to see one of Angel’s dim-witted lackeys, of which there are several due to Angel’s need to always be the sharpest tool in the shed. It takes Idiot Minion Number One a moment but he finally notices I’m no longer on wheels, “Does Angel know your walking?”
“No,” I answer slowly. “He’s not here, is he?”
He laughs a little, almost embarrassed. “He’s with…Dru.”
My jaw clenches involuntarily and I hold up a finger, telling him wordlessly to wait where he is. He’s stupid enough to nod and agree.
I go to where Buffy is just finishing her fight, looking back to be sure Genius is following orders. He pumps his fist at me which I can only suss out is support of me offing the Slayer. Git.
“Give me your stake,” I demand.
“I’ll just do it,” Buffy says and moves towards the guy I obviously want to kill. She’s always done things like this. I could throttle her.
“Slayer, could you for once not make me want to snap your neck and just give me the fucking stake?”
She stops short and cocks her head. “What?”
“Yeah, you heard me. I think there’s a lot of misunderstanding here between the two of us. Along the lines that I’m a sad sack just trying to find my way back but let’s not forget who I am. So just give me the stake and I can kill this guy and you go and get your sword.”
She twirls the stake in her hand. “This stake?”
“Slayer – “
“Don’t swear at me.”
“Don’t piss me off and I won’t offend your delicate sensibilities.”
“Fine. Another deal that you will undoubtedly break within the next two minutes, I’m sure,” she says as she hands me her weapon.
“See how easy it is just to be friendly and go – “
“Speaking of going? Your vamp? The one I could have killed at the beginning of this convo is high tailing it out of here.” She points to where the little bugger is running. “So why don’t you go kill him and I’ll get my sword?”
My teeth bite the inside of my lip so hard, I can taste the blood. I say nothing and take off after him while Buffy runs in the other direction, towards the school.
“Hey! Don’t you understand what wait means?” I yell.
“There’s something going on!” he hollers nervously over his shoulder, and I swear he’s picked up his pace. I’m still a little on edge and completely out of whack from continually being sucked into different times of the same bloody year that I’m not exactly capable of full speed.
“Why aren’t you killing the Slayer?” he shouts back at me.
“I’m not getting Angelus mad at me for killing his girl. Now, would you hold up! It’s all part of the plan.”
He stops, thank hell.
“It is?”
“Yes.”
“Good.”
“Eh, not so much.” I grab him by the shoulder. “Our plan, not his,” I say with a smirk before running the wooden stake through his heart.
One less thing to deal with.
I brush what’s left of him off my coat and make my way to the school to get Buffy. I know Giles isn’t there so he can’t help me. Not that he did the last time I saw him.
To be honest, it’s not even the jumping around that’s annoying me. It’s the why. Why now? What purpose does it serve? It would be understandable if I went back to before Buffy jumped…before Glory arrived… warned her, explained everything so she could get them all out. Maybe even help Joyce before it was too late. But here? With Angelus? It doesn’t make any sense. I can’t do anything here. Well, I can, but I haven’t got the faintest idea what will happen there if I try to fix things here.
I see her making her way towards me, holding a sword that is almost as tall as she is. She looks even less happy than when she left before.
“Everything alright, pet?”
“I just got expelled.”
“Oh.”
“I literally have nowhere to go. How am I supposed to…” She sighs, heavily and ragged. “My mom, my school, my Watcher - who is hopefully not too damaged - my friends. They’re all either broken or in the hospital…I…I don’t know how – “
“’Course you do.”
She glares at me. “I’m not asking for your advice.”
“I’m here so I’m going to give it.”
“I don’t have to listen,” she tells me before walking quickly past me. It takes me no time to catch up to her. “Take a hint, Spike. Go away.”
“Look, Slayer, I get that everything seems like it’s the end of the world – “
“It will be if I don’t finish this.”
“And you will.”
“At what cost, Spike? I’ve lost everything.”
“You obviously get it all back.” I can’t not tell her that. If she were seeing things clearly, I wouldn’t have to say it.
“How?”
“I don’t know, luv. I really don’t. We don’t see each other again for a while. And we’re not exactly chummy when I come back to stay.”
“Future you seems pretty friendly.”
“We’re not as hostile as we once were,” I correct her. “You have a rough go of it but you’re the Slayer, Buffy. Do you know what that means?”
“Uh, yeah. Duh.”
“No, really. Do you know what you are capable of? The power you possess?”
“I’m strong, I get it.”
“I’m not talking about your physical strength. Hell, I’m not even talking about the things you do to get through. It takes you some time but you get it, eventually. You know what it means to be this. To know your calling. And I’m sure it’s hard to believe right now but – “
“I have to kill him.”
I don’t say anything. Can’t.
“There was this guy at Giles’. He told me that in the end, I’m always alone. That was the whole point.”
“First, he’s a ponce. Don’t listen to that.”
“So, it’s not true? Because he seemed pretty adamant about it.”
“Aren’t we all alone in the end?’
“Is this going to be some kind of philosophical conversation? Because I’d rather not.”
I roll my eyes at her. “Fine, yes, you are alone in the end. You’re – “
“Not helping.”
“Not finished. You’re the Slayer. Being alone comes with that. There are only so many fights that your friends can help you with.”
“So, he’s right.”
“In his way, yeah. But, listen, pet, you and your friends…you take down everything you come against. And you do that because you have them. Not because you’re alone. And, besides, you always know when it’s your time and when you need them. It takes a while but you get it.”
She nods and I can’t tell if it’s helped her or not. The only thing I can think to do is to tell her it’s going to be okay and hope that I don’t royally bugger everything up.
“I should go talk to him.”
“Who is this guy?”
“He said his name is Whistler. Do you know him?”
“Heard of him. Don’t know much.” I don’t tell her that I knew he was the reason Angel came to Sunnydale in the first place. If he has information that will save her and help her fight gel boy, I’m not going to tell her something that could make her lose focus of that.
She shrugs. “I think he may be able to help me with this.” She holds up the sword. “I’m just going to…”
I nod and look around, seeing that we’re fairly close to Giles’s apartment. We both stand there, not saying anything and I wonder if this could be the last time I see her. I don’t want it to be, to go back to a place where she isn’t.
Not wanting to be the first to leave I wait for her to walk away. She doesn’t.
“Slayer?”
She holds out her hand to me and looks me straight in the eye. “Thank you.”
I take her hand and I hold it for as long as I can, not wanting her to pull away from me. I find myself again and say, “You’re welcome. It was a plea – “
I don’t even realize my time with her is over until I no longer feel her warm hand in mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where in the hell am I? I’ve been to some seedy places in my lifetime but this is not one I can recollect. I can see I’m in a hallway so grimy and worn down, no amount of paint or tlc will do it any good, they might as well demo it. As I get to my feet, I’m careful not to put my hand on the carpet. Dead or not, I don’t want to think about what’s living in the fibers.
When my head finally clears, I feel her. Buffy. What is she doing here? In this place of all places? I walk to the door and focus, trying to hear her on the other side, over the noise of the city…a city too busy and loud for Sunnydale. There’s some rustling, a can opening, and the smell of something not at all appetizing. She’s calm, a little too calm for all the noise and craziness outside the windows. Her heartbeat is normal, her breathing steady and I’m worried. Obviously, she’s not in danger but even when she isn’t on the hunt, her pulse always runs a little quicker than most. Or it did. Probably because she was always at the ready, always expecting something. And now, she’s too…neutral.
I knock. I have to.
“One minute.” Her voice is so soft, too sad. Her heart speeds up a bit as she nears the door and she must at least sense there’s a vampire waiting on the other side. When she opens the door and looks at me, her surprise evident.
“Spike?”
“Where the hell is your weapon?”
“What?” She shakes her head, her brow furrowing.
“Weapon, Slayer. You just answer the door with nothing? In this place? At night?”
“Don’t call me that.”
I look at her, my turn to look confused.
“Slayer. Don’t call me that. I quit.”
My mouth drops. “You did what now?”
“I quit,” she repeats. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Well, you’re bloody well going to.” I try to move forward but I’m stopped at the doorway. “You live here? Oh, Christ, what have you – “
“You can come in.”
I stumble into the room and I do mean room. There’s not much going on and she seems to be living a very Spartan-like existence which normally would be a very Slayer thing to do but this is Buffy. Buffy is anything but a normal Slayer.
“And you just invite me in? How do you know – “
“I know. There’s something different about you,” she tells me with a shrug. “It’s obvious.”
I turn and close the door so I can hide my grin from her. She sits on the bed and I don’t feel like I should sit with her so I lean against her bureau.
“Is this what happened…after Angel?” I ask.
She is sure to not look at me as she nods.
“So you’ve just given up? No cares in the world. Your friends dealing with everything back in Sunnyhell without any protection?”
“You have no idea what I’ve been through. How I had to – “
“You’re right,” I say, holding my hands up. “I don’t know what you went through. Sorry.”
“You could have told me.”
“About what?”
“That he got his soul back…before I killed him.”
“I didn’t know.”
She shoots me a look of disbelief which pisses me off.
“The next time I see you, he’s back and has his soul but I didn’t know how that happened and it was never explained to me, alright?”
“He comes back?”
Shit.
“What are you doing here, pet? This place is not for you.”
“I have no place else to be.”
“You can go home.”
“No. Not yet.”
“Have you spoken to anyone?”
“No. They don’t need me, Spike. I just ruin everything. I get everyone hurt or killed. This is better.”
“Living in a place that cockroaches are afraid of is a better option?”
“I disappear here.”
“Luv, everyone does.”
“Exactly.” She picks up the can on the bedside table. “Spaghetti-O’s?”
I shake my head, trying not to make a face at the thought. “You just sit around here all day? Eating canned pasta?”
“No. I’ve been working. I have to pay for this place.”
“Sure,” I say, looking around. “Palace like this…”
She stands up in a huff. “No one asked you to come here, Spike. So if you don’t like it, there’s the door.”
“True, but it doesn’t seem like I have a choice anymore as to where I go and why I end up there.” I pull the gold circle from my jeans pocket.
“That’s some snazzy little gadget you have there.” She shakes her head in the direction of the Behnri gizmo.
“It’s not so bad.”
“Why do you think this keeps happening?”
“I suspect it’s because of you,” I tell her truthfully. There’s no point in keeping secrets.
“Well, yeah, Spike. I think that’s obvious.”
I smile and shake my head. “Right.”
“But I don’t get why. I mean, I understand that I’m not…around…where you come from but wouldn’t you just go to before I’m…not around?”
“Thought the same thing myself. Haven’t come up with anything resembling a theory. Your Watcher’s better at this than I am but I can’t seem to get to him.”
“You get to me just fine.”
“Already established that it’s all about you, pet,” I say, smirking. “As fucking always.”
“I told you not to swear at me.”
I change tactics. “Look I know your upset, Slay…Buffy, but you have a job – “
“I had a job.”
I growl, beyond aggravated with her behavior, my hands miming like I want to strangle her. She just looks at me, her lips pursed and her arms folded over her chest. How can she be annoyed with me? She’s the one who –
“Why do you care, anyway?” She blurts, “How do you know this isn’t all your fault?”
“I don’t.”
“Exactly!”
“But I know I haven’t done anything – “
“Except be a big British pain in my ass.”
“To bollocks things up so far that you’re living in squalor,” I finish, ignoring her. “You’re blaming me, as you always do, I should add, because you don’t want to face up to your choices. Good to know you were as pigheaded and arrogant when you were younger as you are in a couple of years.”
“I am not pigheaded.”
“Case in point.”
“I know what I’ve done. No one else could have done it but me,” Buffy says, her voice telling me she doesn’t like what I’m saying. What else is new? “I made a choice, Spike. I sacrificed him to save everyone.”
“He put himself into that position, pet. I know it’s hard – “ She laughs and it reeks of sarcasm which really gets my goat. I stride over to her and grab her by the shoulders. Hard enough to make a point, but not hard enough for that buggering chip to go off. “You think I don’t know anything about losing people, Slayer? Because I’m a vampire and couldn’t possibly feel pain? You’re a daft bird, you know? You don’t understand anything. You know nothing.”
I let her go, disgusted with her and myself for getting so caught up, for always saying too much.
“He wasn’t evil when I…” she trails off.
“He was when he started it, Buffy. It’s unfortunate that he wasn’t when it ended, yes, but he’d get it. As much as it fucking kills me to admit that, he would understand why you had to do it.”
“But I couldn’t say anything to him. I couldn’t explain anything…there wasn’t time.”
“You know you made the right choice.”
She nods slightly. “Yes.”
“You need to stop beating yourself up about this, pet. You need to get out of here. Go back home.”
She shakes her head at me, lowering it so I can’t see the tears that are there.
But then she surprises me and walks over to where I am, putting her forehead against my chest. When her shoulders begin to shake, I put my arms around her, stroking her hair.
“I don’t know how,” she says through her sadness. “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
“You’re Buffy.”
“I don’t feel like her anymore.”
“That’s because you haven’t had a good tussle in…how long have you been here?”
“About three months.”
“You haven’t spoken to your mum or Watcher in three months?”
“Don’t make me feel even worse than I do.” She looks up at me but makes no move to break away from my arms. “How can I just go back? After everything that’s happened?”
“I think they’ll just be happy to see that you’re okay.”
“And after that wears off?”
“I’d wager that’s when it gets tough and you don’t get going.”
“Going back to slaying…”
“It’s what you were born to do, luv. You just need to get your confidence back. Get out there. Knock the hell out of something.”
She laughs softly. “You’re like my Yoda.”
And then it hits me and I understand. It was there the whole time and I never thought of it. And the way she’s looking at me, it seems to have occurred to her as well.
“Do you think…” she begins but doesn’t finish.
“Wouldn’t I know that I’ve done this?”
“Not if you’re doing it now.”
“But I wouldn’t be, right?”
She makes a face. “Huh?”
“I’m from the future.”
She rolls her eyes.
“No, let’s start from the beginning.”
“Okay,” she says and moves away from me. “So I’m Buffy. I live in 1998. You’re Spike. You also, er, live in 1998 and you’re evil. But you come here from 2001 and you…help me.”
“Have I?”
She answers with a shrug and says, “But you help me in a way that isn’t going to alter everything.”
“We don’t know that yet. You being here could be my fault.”
“I can honestly say that after running Angel through with a sword to close the mouth of hell, being kicked out of my house, being expelled from school and putting my friends in danger, I had nowhere else to be but here. I shouldn’t have blamed you before.”
“Thanks for that.”
“You only seem to pop up when I’m really – “
“In the thick of it, yeah. It’s what I do.” I start to pace, thinking so much my head feels like it’s going to explode. “And the other me doesn’t know about it because it’s not until four years from now that this all happens.”
“Which means in four years when the opportunity presents itself…”
“I’m going to do this exact thing no matter what.”
“Ouch,” she says, smiling as she rubs her temples. “It’s like your living parallel to what’s going on here. You’re evil, you leave Sunnydale, you do whatever it is you do – “
“We go to South America. It doesn’t end well. You’ll find out soon enough.”
“Can’t wait. So when do you think the next time I see you will be?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think I have any control over this.” And just as I finish my sentence, I can feel the tingling and I’m angry. I want to stay here with her a little longer. Just a few minutes more.
But this is a cruel thing I’m a part of and I’m suddenly hot, then everything is black and I’m wondering where the hell I will end up next, hoping that she’ll still be there when I arrive.
tbc...
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Tlace and Ali for the beta. And I really appreciate the feedback you've been kind enough to give. Thank you :) I hope you continue to enjoy it!