Chapter 7
I come to and I’m in the park. I’m not feeling too bad this time around, which I’m thankful for. I decide not to leave but wait for her here. I’m confident that I’m not back in my time yet. I also don’t think I’m still in the future…or whatever that was.
If it really was Buffy, and not some figment of my imagination, that has knocked me off my rocker into Druville, then she’s alive. Someday soon, she’s alive.
And she’s miserable.
I can’t help but wonder what she was talking about – not just all the apologizing, that was odd enough – but the chilly reception before she realized it was me and the ease in which she put herself into my bed. I had to be reading that wrong. It couldn’t possibly be…
I shake my head. Why would I see that? Why would she need me to? None of this makes any sense and I would do just about anything to get back to where I’m supposed to be. I’m over this whole bloody thing. I know I miss her, been missing her for over a month now and this is certainly not helping. And it’s really starting to wreak havoc on my body as well. This is definitely not a natural state to be in. I could just about strangle Red next time I see her…if I ever get to see her again.
“You’re here,” Buffy says and I’m happy to see her long, shiny hair bouncing as she approaches me. She helps me up and leads me to the swing set. We sit and she smiles as she starts to move to and fro. I stay still and just watch her.
“You want me here, I’m here,” I say with a shrug.
“Is this the first time that it’s only a couple of days later?” Buffy asks, her feet swinging back and forth on the swing.
“Think so.”
“I used to kill lots of vamps here back in the day,” she tells me. “Not so much anymore.”
“They won’t go where the Slayer’s at.”
“Too bad. I like the swings.” She laughs and she seems happy which is enough to make me smile. “Glory thought you were my boyfriend.”
“Right…at the hospital,” I say, remembering. “She’s kind of daft.”
“Well, I can see why she might think it. We’re spending a lot more time together and her little minions are always spying. Trying to find the Key.”
“You don’t seem to be in any imminent danger here, pet. Why’d you want to see me?”
“It’s interesting how that thing works, right? I mean, I thought about seeing you on my way home with Dawn. And I hoped that I would come across you while I was out.”
“It’s that simple, is it?” I’m mildly amused by this. I’ve always been at Buffy’s whim, why should this be any different?
“Guess so. But only sometimes. I wanted to see you my senior year in high school,” she recalls, wistfully, “but you never came.”
“I wish I had a better understanding of it myself, Slayer, but unfortunately…”
I hear her take in a breath as if she’s about to start a sentence but then she doesn’t.
“What’s up, pet?”
“Are you okay?” she asks, earnestly.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, the last few times, you’ve been not so great. And the other day when you were here you just…”
“I think it’s starting to take a toll, to be honest.”
She looks at me and I want to read it as scared but it couldn’t possibly be. Scared of what? Of me? For me?
“I could get you some blood.”
“I might not be here by the time you get back.”
She nods, “Our times together are definitely growing shorter and shorter. Maybe because my time is coming closer and closer.”
I shake my head, not wanting to think about it. “Something must be on your mind for me to be here. It usually happens when – “
“Well, I don’t know when this will end or when I’ll stop seeing you,” she begins, “and I think because of that, you keep coming to me now.”
I kind of understand where she’s going with this but I don’t want to get my hopes up so I nod and say nothing, wanting her to continue her thoughts without interruption.
“I feel like if I don’t tell you and then I don’t see you, I’m going to regret it. But at the same time, telling you doesn’t exactly do us any favors because there’s nothing to be done about it.”
“I’m not following.”
“You’re kind of dumb, Spike.”
“That’s what you would regret not telling me? I’m touched. Deeply.” I put my hand over my heart.
“Obviously that’s not what I have to tell you,” she sighs, exasperated. “You know, you’re always so attuned to everything, reading into things no one else seems to notice, telling me how I feel… usually while being completely annoying about it, but this? This you can’t figure out. This is the one time you have blinders on?”
Buffy jumps off her swing and then turns to me. She walks over to where I sit, placing her hands on the metal rope that holds the swing and steps in between my legs, standing there, staring down at me, her gaze heavy and intense.
“What did you call Glory earlier?”
I cough a little, trying to get my voice out, “Daft.”
“Right,” she says, leaning down, her lips unbearably close to mine. “Pot, kettle, black, Spike,” she whispers, before lightly placing her lips on mine, as if she’s unsure. Of what, I don’t know, because nothing has ever felt so right. My hands go to her waist and I pull her closer, causing the swing to move back and for her to fall harder against me. I’m not complaining. She mumbles against my lips and I could just about kill her for it.
“What was that?”
“I asked if you understood now. Actions seem to speak louder with you.”
And she starts kissing me again and I will never get to heaven, I know. I probably don’t even deserve this little taste of it but it’s here and I’m not letting go until it makes me. She’s so warm and everything about this is breaking my heart. I’m overwhelmed by it. I’m feeling high and low. Why does she always come to these conclusions when it’s too late for anything to be done? I want to damn her and her timing but I don’t want to stop. Not for anything in the world.
She moves her lips away just enough to speak, staying close, her head resting against mine. “Maybe we should have been doing that the whole time.”
She laughs and I join her because I am over the bloody moon right now. I’m clutching at her coat, hoping that if I hold on tight enough, I won’t have to leave. That it won’t be able to take me because she’s with me.
“I needed – “
“No, don’t tell me,” I say, quickly. “Don’t tell me what you need, pet. You tell me and I go. And I don’t want to go. Not yet.”
“Okay,” she agrees, softly, and her hands come off the rope and go around my neck and we hold each other, not saying a word, until it’s time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’m in her room now, and I still feel her warmth, which could just be my mind playing tricks with me. I climb onto her bed and wait for her, knowing that she has to be coming soon or I wouldn’t be here.
The front door opens, followed by muffled voices. I strain to make out what's being said but can only determine that it's us, before the conversation abruptly stops.
Then, suddenly, I can feel her, hear the beat of her heart as she makes her way down the hall. Her footfalls slow as she comes near the door, the rhythm of her heart increasing just before she opens it.
As Buffy enters, I do my best to stand. She smiles at me and closes the door behind her.
“In case you’re wondering, it’s – “
“I know when it is,” I interrupt, looking her over. Those black leather pants that I thought were so delectable the first time I saw them bring me nothing but pain now.
“Yeah,” she replies, quietly, knowing I know. “I have to change. Your creepy robot is going to come in handy.”
If it were genetically possible, I’d be blushing right now. “I’m downstairs,” I begin, but she just starts shaking her head.
“I’m not asking you to leave.”
Not feeling so great, I ask if she minds if I sit again and she nods her consent as she makes her way to her closet.
“I thought I’d see you before this,” she comments. “Especially after…my mom…”
“I would have been here if – “
“If I wanted, I know.” She turns to her closet and says, “I wasn’t thinking of anything. Wasn’t feeling much of anything, either.”
I furrow my brow. “You don’t have to explain – “
“Angel came.”
It’s a good thing she’s not looking at me because I can’t hide the grimace at his name.
“I just…I wanted to tell you. I felt like I should, which is weird.” She pauses and looks over her shoulder at me, “I get nostalgic in the face of tragedy.”
I nod, trying to show her I understand. “Been there myself. I am sorry, pet. She was a fine woman.”
“She always liked you.”
“That’s nice to hear.” And it is. “I tried to bring you flowers once. Xander didn’t appreciate it.”
“I saw them. I had wondered,” she pauses, “But it was him that brought them, not you, right?”
I nod.
“You told me before that you were the same but I can still tell the difference.” She sighs heavily. “Downstairs? Right before I came up here – “
“When you invited me in? Best bloody moment of my life, pet.” I pause, “Well, that was before the swings.”
She smiles, her cheeks turning a lovely pink and she shakes her head as if to say she doesn’t want to talk about that right now. “That was you and him. When we were coming in and you couldn’t? I knew it was you, that Spike had finally become…”
“Why am I here, luv?” I ask her, softly. There is no reason to talk loudly here. We are both speaking so quietly and there is no other sounds but her breathing and her heart. Whatever may be happening in the future, whatever all that was, I don’t think it’s nearly as intimate as these last few moments I have with her.
“This is it, Spike.”
I nod, not able to say anything.
“I feel good,” she begins and off my look, she smiles. “It’s different. Before I was sixteen, I had so much to do, you know? But this time? It fits. I feel…I don’t know, sure. I don’t want to say happy because I’m not. I don’t want to leave them but – “
“Maybe there’s something we can do,” I venture. “Maybe if I tell you how it goes down, we can stop it from happening and this can all be avoided.”
“Obviously, it can’t because then you wouldn’t be here. Remember the paradox that causes our brains to explode?”
“If I’m not here to prevent this, I don’t fucking understand any of it.”
“Spike,” she says and her voice is sweet. She walks over to me, putting her clothes on the bed. That blasted white sweater and gray pants. I hate the sight of them. She sits next to me and puts her hand on top of mine. I look at her, surprised, and she smiles slightly. “You seem more nervous than I am.”
I shrug and try to play it off, knowing I’m failing miserably. “I just hope to get back to my time after this.”
“Shouldn’t you?” she asks, obviously not having ever thought it wouldn’t happen.
“One can hope,” I say. It’s not for her to know about the future. It never has been. “I’m completely knackered, hungry, out of sorts in every which way. I’m not sure if I have the energy to make it again.”
“I have something for you,” she says and goes to a large chest against the wall. She pulls out a book and I realize that I had forgotten all about it.
“Giles and I both didn’t remember and I take it you didn’t either.” I nod and she continues, handing me the book. “I read – skimmed – through it and it’s all weirdness to me.”
“Did you give it to Giles?”
She shakes her head, embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to explain…where to start. And we’re sort of in the middle of all this with Glory. It’s how we found it again, actually.”
“It’s okay, really.” I flip it open and see she dog-eared the page with Behnri’s Circle on it. “This book is centuries old!”
“Uh-huh.”
“You folded over the page!”
“Are you Giles suddenly?” she takes the book and flips a couple of pages until she gets to an underlined part. “Yes, I highlighted it, too. Get over it.”
I roll my eyes at her and look at what she’s done. I shake my head and frown. She must see my look of confusion because she asks, “What was Will planning on doing with this?”
“Not sure. Tara said that – “
“Tara? She’s better?” Buffy smiles. “I’m glad.”
“She said only that it would take me wherever I wanted to go – whenever I wanted to.”
“It wouldn’t have worked for Willow, though. Unless she’s been neglecting to tell me something, there’s no way Will could use this to get to me.”
I try to joke and say, “Well, you never know, pet, she does fancy Tara, maybe there are some feelings – “
She shakes her head, aggravated with me and I don’t blame her. “Can we be serious?”
“This isn’t exactly news, Slayer. You know how I feel about you. You’ve never believed me.”
“I know but this is saying that – “
I hear the other me yelling her name and she sighs, clearly irritated with the both of us, it seems. She opens the door, telling him she’ll be right down.
“I have to change.”
“Yeah, there’s only so much time.”
“Counting down from 7-3-0,” she mutters and I have no idea what she’s talking about. “Could you…” and she makes a twirling motion with her finger and I oblige.
I hear her clothes come off and it takes all of my strength not to turn and watch her.
“It was because of Dawn, because of what you did for her.”
“What was, pet?”
“When I realized that I could see myself loving you. Well, not you. You’re a different story. Him, I guess, which is you…ah, my head!” She laughs a little but I’m not finding anything funny at the moment. “I had decided that if we were to survive, if something crazy occurred and I didn’t die, then I would see what happens.”
I turn to look at her and she’s wearing her pants but hasn’t put on her sweater yet. She quickly grabs it and holds it over her chest.
“Sorry,” I say, quickly turning back around.
“It’s…fine. What does it matter now?” she asks, sadly. She walks over to her bureau, now completely dressed and takes her hair out of its ponytail and begins to brush it.
I can see her completely at this moment. Her preparing for battle – it’s not like anything I’ve ever witnessed. She’s calm, her actions methodical, knowing and I wonder if it would be this way regardless if she was aware of what is waiting for her.
“Because of that, because I decided that I could…that I would let myself be with you, all this happened.” She shakes her head, a rueful smile on her lips. “I’d remind you not to let me think anymore because it never ends well. You end up being bounced around for four years or I end up in a dream where I kill my sister over and over. “
“It hasn’t been a bad way to pass the time,” I tell her.
“I did a little recon,” she says, turning to me again. “Behnri’s dead.”
“How’d you – “
“I asked Willow to look into it. I thought if I asked Giles, it would raise too many questions that I didn’t feel like answering.”
“You asked Willow?” She nods. I laugh harshly and she looks hurt. I shake my head, “No, no. Sorry, pet. But you do realize that because you asked her, this happened?”
“What? No…”
“Yes, Slayer.”
She thinks a minute and her eyes go wide. “I can’t believe it!” She shakes her head, chuckling slightly.
“What killed him?”
“He just kept bouncing. He never stopped. According to Will, he befriended a man who took the circle and he’s the one that stashed it where you found it.”
“And that’s how Red knew where to find it.”
She nods. “The man wrote a journal. Will has it and it explains more the why behind it.”
“More than this?” I ask, holding up the book. “Because I still don’t understand why I ended up in the cemetery four years ago. I barely even knew you then.”
There’s a slight smile playing on her lips and she nods her head. “I do. I understand now.”
“You want to share with the class?”
“I’ll tell you that when you left my basement with the circle, you must have thought about getting to me. Getting to me when I really needed someone. And…” She shakes her head as she looks at the clock on her bedside table. “There’s not enough time. Just get the journal from Willow.”
“That should prove to be boatloads of fun, seeing as when I left, the last thing I heard was her telling me how much she never trusted me.”
She laughs a little and sits next me again. “Tell her I told her to give it to you.” She pauses. “Spike is probably ready to tear down the door right now.”
“Sounds about right.”
“I don’t want to leave you.” She exhales, loudly. “There, that was one of the things I wanted to say before…”
And she’s so proud of herself for it that I smile at her and don’t press on what the other is. Instead I say, “You best be going, luv.”
“Thank you.”
And there’s the other. “I haven’t done – “
“You’ve done. You’ve more than done,” she interrupts, trying to reassure me.
“I didn’t stop this.”
“You weren’t meant to. All you had to do was get me here. This is what’s supposed to be.”
She gets up and I’m itching to stop her, to tell her that we need another plan of action. That getting Glory on the ropes is good and fine but it’s the Doc we need to worry about.
“Buffy – “ I start.
She opens her door and turns to smile at me. It feels like she wants to say something else but her eyes get a little sad and she shakes her head, more to herself than to me, I’d wager. “Promise that when you get back, you’ll do some reading?”
I tell her I will as she turns and walks away. The heat is flaring up and I can feel myself burning and the other me yelling for her and I’m gone.
tbc...
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Tee and Ali for the being the best betas ever.