Chapter 4
Her entire body ached, as she pulled herself off of the bed. Even with her super Slayer healing, last night’s run-in with the demon was still taking its toll on her. Most of it, she knew, was because of the pregnancy, but wanting to put the blame somewhere, she decided upon the dead demon.
Her ankles were swollen, her back ached, her thighs were tense and bruised, and her shoulders felt as if they’d been carrying around the weight of the world for seven years. Well, metaphorically, they had, but literally? That’s what it felt like.
She looked at the clock, realizing she’d forgot to set it before falling asleep last night. Thankfully, she wasn’t running too late, and she knew she could make her doctor’s appointment on time if she just motivated herself enough to shower and get ready.
But, as she looked at her naked body in the bathroom mirror, she wondered how she was going to explain the bruises to her doctor. Most of them she could cover up, but the ones on her thighs she couldn’t. And, she noticed with a frown upon her face, a black and blue mark on her side, seeping into the stretching skin on her stomach was very visible. Her mouth went dry, and her heart began to pound. Placing her hand upon her belly, all she could do was wonder if their baby was alright. The feeling of a little foot kicking her relieved some of the worry, but still, she knew deep down that she would always worry, always fear the worst. It wasn’t healthy, but it was a part of who she was. She was a Slayer, and soon, she would be a mother. She only hoped she would find more of a balance than Nikki Wood had. She didn’t want her child to grow up motherless like poor Robin.
After showering and dressing, she was pulling on a heavier jacket. November in New York was quite chilly this year.
She managed to hail a cab and was at the doctor’s office within twenty minutes. She checked in and settled down in the waiting room where several pregnant women—some heavily and some looking scared to death and not even showing—sat around reading magazines or silently praying that their home pregnancy tests were wrong and that the doctor could give them the good or the not-so-good news.
Buffy didn’t feel as if she belonged in the mommy crowd. Many of them seemed to be positively glowing, excited, not a hair out of place. Buffy felt bloated, nauseated, and it was all she could do to muster up the energy to run a comb through her hair in the morning. She knew everybody experienced pregnancy differently, so she decided that it was because this was Spike’s child. She couldn’t get off too easily, now could she? He had to have his fun, even from beyond the grave.
She chuckled as the baby began to move. It often did when she thought of Spike, and her heart gave a little twinge and a skip, and she sighed shakily. Thinking of Spike still got right to her very soul. She often woke in the middle of the night, dreaming he was there with her. Or on the bad nights, she’d wake in a sweat, panting heavily, feeling the searing, stabbing pain of the almost mortal wound she’d been inflicted with just before Spike’s sunny demise.
“Miss Summers?” Buffy looked up at the smiling nurse who waited with a clipboard, a thermometer and several other gadgets that made Buffy squirm.
She followed her to the back, had her temperature and blood pressure taken, she was weighed, which was becoming even less fun with each trip to the doctor, and then she was forced to sit in the quiet room filled with pictures of cute babies smiling at her.
Signs for breastfeeding and even for circumcision were posted with diagrams that made Buffy a little anxious.
“You know,” Buffy said softly, rubbing her belly, “they really shouldn’t put so much pressure on us. I mean, that just makes things more stressful for the baby, right?”
Buffy was startled when her cell phone rang, and she checked the caller I.D. It was Giles calling. She sighed. Who was she expecting? It wasn’t like Angel had her new cell phone number. The only people who really knew how to reach her were her doctor and her now international friends who were off kicking demon butt and rounding up Slayers for proper training.
“Giles?”
“Buffy? Is it a bad time?”
“No! No. What’s up?”
“I thought you might be interested to know that Dawn’s just phoned. She made top grades.”
“She did?” Buffy asked, disappointment thick in her voice, but only because Dawn hadn’t called her first. “That’s…that’s great. I…I thought she would call, but…”
“Well, she was going out to celebrate, so I’m sure she’ll call you later.”
“Yeah. Sure.” Buffy smiled a little half-heartedly.
“You don’t sound well. Are you alright?”
“Mmm, yeah, just had a close call with a demon last night.”
“What kind of demon?”
“I don’t know…the usual creepy, scaly type. I’m not exactly keen on the book stuff, remember?”
“Ah, well, you handled yourself alright?”
“I’m still alive, aren’t I?”
“And the baby?” He asked it with such hesitation. Buffy knew he wasn’t thrilled with the idea of the Slayer he had trained for so many years having the child of a long gone vampire. Still, she was like a daughter to him, and he knew this was important to her.
“Alright. Well, I’m at the doctor…here to make sure. But I think so…anyway.”
“Have you spoken to Angel?”
“Why does everyone keep asking me that? No. Alright? I’m not ready to see him.” She was harsh, but she was sick of everyone wondering if she was going to go to him. Well, she had seemed rather motivated before, but that didn’t mean she had to go right away, did it?
“Maybe it would be for the best, Buffy. Perhaps Angel could help you look into the origins of…of this child before the birth.”
“Oh, you mean in case I give birth and my baby has tentacles and six heads? I think it’s pretty clear it’s a human, Giles. Or at least looks it. I mean, you did get the 4-D ultrasound picture I sent you didn’t you? The baby totally has my lips. Definitely going to have Spike’s nose though.”
“Buffy?”
“Hmm?”
“You do realize that…that because the events surrounding the pregnancy are so…so tumultuous, it’s possible that this child’s birth could…”
“This child’s birth is not meant for anything except to cause me pain. And the normal kind of pain. Not the ‘the world’s going to end, and I have to watch the man I love die in order to stop it’ kind.”
“Buffy, please. Just be sensible. I understand that you want to protect your child and nurture it. It is your last remaining link to Spike. Still, I do wonder if perhaps you’re letting your grief get in the way of…”
“Giles, I don’t expect you to understand. I love you, but I won’t let you talk me into suspecting that my child’s anything other than good. Sure, it wasn’t conceived the natural way. But Spike gave this child to me. Somehow, when he had that amulet on, and I touched him, I could feel his love for me, and that’s the moment he gave me this baby. I can’t think anything bad could come from that. Spike had a soul. I have a soul. Two souls…I don’t think that makes anything soulless, do you?”
“Just be careful.”
“I’m always careful. But I suppose I can’t expect anyone to buy me anything for a baby shower, now can I? I’m the last person who would have expected me to fall for Spike, but it happened, because I saw him change. I saw what a good man he could be, and more than that, I saw that he wanted to be even better. But nobody saw that. They only saw how The First was controlling him. They only saw the potential danger he could be.”
“Buffy…”
“No. Look, I don’t think I’m ready to talk about Spike with anyone. After all, Giles, it wasn’t too long before he died that you plotted his death with Robin. You didn’t think I’d forgotten that, did you?”
“I was doing what I thought was best.”
“I know. And I understand. I just wish you could understand that this is what I think is best. Having this baby.” She shook her head. “I never in my life thought about being a mother. I never thought I’d live long enough to have that. But when it happened, my life changed. This was Spike’s gift, and I’m not letting go of that. Never.” A knock came to the door, and Buffy straightened up. “I have to go. The doctor’s here.” She hung up, and she tried to calm herself after the upsetting conversation with Giles. She couldn’t be too angry with him. He was looking after her in the best way he knew how being more than an ocean apart. Still, it hurt to know that she could never really share her innermost thoughts about Spike with anyone. Nobody could ever understand. The only person who might show some ounce of understanding would be Angel, and even he couldn’t stand Spike. She was alone. She would always be alone, but she would never let her baby forget what its father did for the world.
After answering some very awkward questions about the bruises, Buffy managed to convince the doctor that she had been run into by a skateboarder and had fallen into a fence. Somehow, he’d managed to buy it, and soon, he was firing up the ultrasound machine.
“Is everything ok?” Buffy immediately asked. The doctor was silent for a few moments, studying the images on the screen, writing things down and then typing at the computer. Soon, he turned on the audio, and the room filled with the swish-swish-swish-swish of the baby’s heartbeat. Buffy felt her heart begin to melt. Who would have thought a vampire Slayer would turn to butter at the sound of a heartbeat when she spent so many nights stabbing pointed wood through the non-beating hearts of the evil undead.
“Heartbeat’s perfectly normal,” he said with a nod. “Oh, and I think…yes, I can see the baby’s sex. Do you want to know?” Buffy thought for a moment. She had often tried to picture scenarios in each stage of her pregnancy, asking Spike his thoughts on certain things. She had even dreamed up a rather funny little conversation she and Spike might have had had he been here. It involved him insisting that no child of his was going to wear pink or blue and then going out and buying a infant-sized leather jacket. She’d imagined asking him if he expected her to let him gel the baby’s hair and bleach it white too.
“You…you know? You know if it’s a Buffy Jr. or a Spike Jr.?” The doctor furrowed his brows.
“Well, I wouldn’t suggest naming your child either of those things, but yes, I know. The question is…do you want to know?” Buffy considered her options for a moment before nodding.
“Yeah…yeah, I think…yes. I wanna know.”
“Looks like you’ve got yourself a Spike Jr.”
“A boy?” Buffy asked, surprised at this revelation. That explains a lot, she thought. Always giving me a hard time, nudging me in the middle of the night. Like father like son.
“Yes. See…here.” He pointed on the screen, and Buffy could see without a shadow of a doubt that she was carrying a son.
“Oh,” she said quietly, placing her hand on her belly. “Wow. A boy.” Honestly, she hadn’t been sure she could even have boys. Since the Slayer thing was pretty much all girl power, she expected to have a daughter despite the knowledge that Robin Wood was a slayer’s son. But no, Spike had once again thrown her for a loop and given her a son. This little boy was now her life, more important than anything else, yet she knew that part of her heart had to stay solid, and she had to make certain she didn’t ignore her duties as a Slayer. She just hoped that her son would know that his mother loved him, and she hoped they would have many years together, more than she’d had with her own mother.
***
Giles removed his glasses and rubbed vigorously at the lenses to clean them, as Faith and Robin came walking in. Faith, acting much more girly that usual, had one hand slipped inside the back pocket of the ex-principal’s pants, and Giles hadn’t really wanted to see that.
“Giles! Got some good news for you.”
“What’s that?” he asked the Slayer.
“That book you bought from the guy in Africa? It’s here.” She put the package down on the desk that was already littered with papers and open books. It landed with a loud thud. “And it’s heavy. Sounds like you’ve got some long, boring hours of reading ahead of you. So if you don’t mind, we’re going to go out patrolling for demons and maybe seeing about rustling up some more Slayers.”
“Yes, that’ll be fine,” Giles said with a nod, replacing his glasses to their proper place on his head.
“Giles, man, you really need to get some sleep.”
“I have to figure out what’s going on with Buffy.”
“Moodswings?” Faith asked, not getting a laugh in response to her joke. “Look, B’s a big girl. She can take care of herself, and even if the kid turns out to be some hell beast, I’m sure she’ll know what to do.”
“I don’t know if Buffy’s even thinking clearly at all. Mystical pregnancies often distort the mother’s perception. She may find the child to be good, even if it’s pure evil.”
“It can’t be all bad. I did see the picture. Cute kid. Looks like Spike,” Faith said with a nod. “Try to lighten up, G. If Buffy wants to bear the fruit of the undead’s loom, then that’s her prerogative. As long as I’m not the one on diaper duty, I’m cool.”
“You don’t want kids?” Robin asked, out of the blue. Faith turned to him.
“Are you kidding me? You think I wanna ruin this bod just to bring some kid into the world that’s gonna be inevitably screwed up? No thanks. I know what it’s like to have it rough. I wouldn’t wish that on any kid.” She turned and headed out with a blundered Robin following behind shortly thereafter.
Giles opened up the package left for him, and with a yawn, he took a sip of strong coffee and dove right in to the new reading material.
***
He felt electrified, as he rode along the deserted highway, wind whipping past him, as he took a long, overdue drag on his cigarette. He took in an unnecessary breath, smelling the sweet scent of freedom as he pushed past the city limits and broke free of the place he haunted for the past six months. He had no idea where he was going, but he couldn’t stay one more minute in that city, not while she was out there, each day slipping further away from him. What if she had found someone new? He knew the right thing to do would be to let her be happy, but he knew that even with his soul still intact, he’d bloody well rather see her alone and missing him than with somebody else. He’d rather be dead than see some other man making her smile, making her feel the things he hoped that only he could make her feel. It was a right selfish thing to think, he knew, but it was the honest truth. He only wanted her, and he wanted her to only want him. Still, he had no idea how he was going to explain his existence if—no, when—he found her.
As he rode down the dark, barren road with no signs of other travelers, his mind wandered back to the night before his world stopped.
She had fallen asleep, and he was just on the brink, when he felt her hand move only slightly against his chest. The feeling of her hand pressed there, as if longing to feel his heart thumping beneath bone and skin, was mesmerizing. Her fingers curled just slightly, and she was gripping his shirt, as if holding on for dear life. But when he gave her shoulder a little squeeze, he felt her relax, moaning softly against him, as if he’d made her feel all better.
Never in his entire life had he wanted someone more, but more than that, he wanted to make love with her. They’d never had that closeness before. They’d had raw, passionate sex, but the closest they’d ever come to making love had been when she’d come to him, upset about Captain Cardboard’s marriage, and she’d asked him to tell her he loved her and that he wanted her. They were just words then, but he’d meant them with everything he had had in him. Still, it wasn’t the kind of closeness he’d wanted with her. Just holding her, just watching her sleep made him feel closer to her than he’d ever been when he’d been inside of her. Still, he wanted that again. He wanted to look in her eyes, kiss her softly, feel her surrounding him, saying his name, but saying it with all the love in her heart shining through at him in her gaze.
“Someday,” he whispered. “We’ll have that, Buffy. You’ll say it, and I’ll know you mean it.”
His thoughts wandered back to those words. ‘She’ll tell you. Someday, she’ll tell you.’ If it meant what he thought it did, he knew it had to feel right. He couldn’t bear hearing her say it, not knowing if it was real.
He jolted out of his thoughts when he hit a large bump on the road. He steadied the bike and continued on down the path unscathed. Still, thinking about how he’d wanted her to say she loved him and know it was true…it started a sudden realization inside of him. He’d given her an out. She had told him. He’d looked into her eyes and seen the truth, and he gave her an out!
“Bleedin’ idiot,” he said to himself, shaking his head. He’d felt it. In that gaze, in the way her hand fit with his, and she didn’t pull away even as the world was literally crumbling around them. In that moment, she’d been his, and he was hers, and all she’d wanted was for him to feel that love and maybe even come with her. But no, he’d had to stay and do the right thing. He’d died, and now she was off gallivanting across Europe with her last memory of him being his saying that she really didn’t love him and bloody thanking her for saying it anyway. “Good job, you ponce.”
“I’ll make it right, Slayer. I’ll find you. You just sit tight. I’m coming.”
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