Leaning against the railing, William watched all the young men and women moving around on the dance floor below him. Everybody seemed so happy, so full of life. The night club was full of people, but so far, he was the only one who had found his way up to the balcony. Being up there all by himself made him feel like an outsider, like he was in the room, yet not really there. But he didn’t mind. He was not in a mood for company tonight, anyway.
When his eyes suddenly landed on her, she had her back turned against him, facing the other direction, but it didn’t matter. He would have recognized her anywhere. There was something almost hypnotizing about the way she was swaying to the music, and he couldn’t take his eyes away from her. She was beautiful. Perfect. And she would never be his.
They used to hang out every day. He and Buffy. Best friends. Inseparable. Where one went, the other would follow, not far behind. Now, everything was different. They hadn’t even spoken in weeks. He had tried convincing himself that it was for the best, that he didn’t care. Lies. The truth was, not a day went by without him feeling like a part of himself was missing. And it was killing him.
Watching her now, from up here, knowing that she was so close and yet out of his reach was pure torture. And still, he didn’t look away. Instead he was devouring her with his eyes, wishing he could – for just one, brief moment – be down there with her, looking into her eyes and running his fingers through her soft, golden hair. Inhaling her sweet scent. Touching her.
He was still dreaming about her, almost every night. In the dreams, she was always smiling at him. A warm, loving smile that made him feel like he was flying. And she would speak to him. Telling him how much she loved him, repeating the words over and over again until he just knew it had to be true. Because no one could speak those words with so much love in their eyes, and not mean them. She loved him. Then he would wake up. And she was never there.
The way Drusilla looked at him sometimes made him wonder if she might suspect something. Like she knew that – although he was sharing her bed – he wasn’t fully there. She never said anything, though. Deep down, William had known from the start that she didn’t really care about him. She made a good show of pretending, though, especially when they were out in public. Then she would be all over him, batting her long, dark eyelashes and declare her love for him to the world.
Six weeks was not a long time, and still, sometimes he felt like he and Dru had been together for a lifetime. Like everything that had happened in his life up until they met, including his friendship with Buffy, was just a distant memory, or possibly a dream. He used to look at old pictures of himself, hardly recognizing the stranger looking back at him. Telling himself that his life was better now, he still felt a pang in his chest whenever he thought of what he had lost.
And now she was here, and he suddenly felt like they were the only two people in the room. Or possibly in the whole world. When he looked at Buffy, everybody else faded away and disappeared. William closed his eyes. He could still see her. She was smiling at him. But it was all in his mind. Because in reality, she had no idea that he was up here, watching her with a longing expression on his face. And his heart was aching.
William knew that he should just stop torturing himself and leave, but it was like he was frozen, like he couldn’t move. It was intoxicating and terrifying at the same time. He wanted to run down the stairs and take her in his arms, and at the same time, he wanted to run as far away as possible. Because he could watch her, pretend that she was dancing only for him, pretend that the feelings he had for her were mutual. But that was a lie. She would never be his girl.
He wanted to stop thinking about her, the unfairness of it all threatening to consume him. How he wished he could just let it go, let her go, once and for all. He didn’t want to be bitter, but it was so bloody hard not to. If only things could be different. It hurt to look at her, knowing that she was happy without him. He wanted to turn around, climb down the stairs and just disappear. Instead he opened his eyes. Buffy was gone.
Buffy knew he was up there, watching her. She couldn’t explain it, but she had felt his presence the moment she entered the club. There was nothing new about that, though. She could always feel him, even when he wasn’t really around. Sometimes she felt like he was haunting her, invading her mind. Sometimes she wished he would just go away, because it hurt so much, knowing he was there but not in her life anymore. She missed him. God, how she missed him.
William. Thinking about him made her heart start beating faster. At the same time, she just wanted to cry. She could not fool herself anymore; she loved him. Unfortunately, she hadn’t realized it until it was too late. The irony of it all wasn’t lost on her. He was the one who had opened her eyes with his declaration of love, and now, he didn’t love her anymore. He loved someone else. She had seen them together. And it made her feel like she was dying.
She had left her apartment without really knowing where she was going, but somehow she had ended up here, at The Bronze. The best night club in Sunnydale. Or, to be more accurate; the only night club in Sunnydale. It was a small town. Sometimes, she really hated it. She used to play with the idea of just packing her bags and leave, jump on the bus and get as far away as possible and never look back. Telling herself that she could do it, that she wouldn’t leave anything – or anyone – behind. Of course, she was just lying to herself. As long as he was still here, she could never leave.
The idea of going out, dancing all by herself, had never appealed to her before. She would have felt like an idiot. But for some reason, tonight, she didn’t care. In a way, she supposed, she wasn’t really dancing alone. It was all for him. She could feel his eyes on her, his beautiful, deep blue eyes. Not that she could be certain, but she didn’t think he had brought his girlfriend. Surely that bitch wouldn’t allow him to stand up there, watching another woman for so long.
Buffy knew all about Drusilla. They used to have some classes together, luckily just a few, but still. She had always hated her, even before she started going out with William. People seemed to both adore her and be afraid of her at the same time. Drusilla was rich, beautiful and popular. But that didn’t make her a nice person. Quite the opposite, in fact. So, what William could possibly see in her was a mystery.
The truth was, had William ended up with someone warm, loving and caring, Buffy might eventually be able to be happy for him. Because he was such a wonderful person; he deserved nothing but the best. But Drusilla? He was too good for her. She didn’t even appreciate him for who he really was. Buffy wasn’t stupid – she knew Drusilla was behind the major changes of William’s new appearance.
Not that he wasn’t absolutely gorgeous, dressed all in black, bleached blonde hair and leather. But Buffy had liked him just fine the way he was before. He didn’t need to change. But obviously, Drusilla had felt differently, having turned him into her own, obedient Ken doll, dressing him up to her liking. It was disgusting.
A part of her just wanted to go to him, force him to listen to what she had to say. But she had tried talking to him before, and he had made it clear that he wasn’t interested in hearing her explanations. So she had given up, even though her heart was screaming at her to keep trying. But she just couldn’t take the idea of him telling her that she had lost her chance. Now she knew how William had felt when she had reminded him of Riley, all those weeks ago.
If only she had the ability of going back in time, then she would handle things differently. For one thing, she would never let William leave the lecture hall. But there was no point in thinking like that, because she had let him go. There was no turning back. She had been stupid, a coward, and this was her punishment. Being miserable for the rest of her life. A life without William. Still, something made her glance up towards the balcony.
William’s eyes searched through the crowd, but she was nowhere to be seen. Maybe she had just gone to the bathroom. Or maybe she had decided to go home. Home to Riley. He swallowed. What could Buffy possibly see in that wanker? He was way beneath her. The thought of his Buffy in the arms of another man made him feel sick. Of course, he had no right to think like that. Because she wasn’t really his.
He let out a sigh, considering making his way down to the bar and drown his sorrows in a bottle of Jack Daniels. But the idea of being surrounded by all these happy people – when he was so utterly miserable – felt like the ultimate torture. Suddenly he just wanted to leave. But where would he go? He had given up his small apartment and moved into Drusilla’s house, less than two weeks ago.
And he wasn’t about to crawl back to her, at least not tonight. Although he didn’t really love her, it still hurt to hear that he wasn’t more to her than a decent shag. Then again, he probably would go back after all. Because he was Love’s Bitch. Drusilla would say ‘jump’, and all he did was ask how high. A part of him felt like he owed it to her. She had given him so much. Yet, she had taken even more.
Rolling his eyes, he made up his mind. He should just leave; there was nothing left for him here. His eyes darted across the room one last time before he let out an annoyed snort and turned around. And he froze in his tracks. Buffy was standing in front of him, a frown on her beautiful face. “Are you leaving?”
TBC