”I…” William stared at the blonde girl, suddenly at a loss for words. Having been certain that she had already left the club, he sure wasn’t prepared for a confrontation, especially since they hadn’t even spoken in weeks. And now she was standing here, right in front of him, beautiful as ever. She was a vision. And all he could do was staring at her, like a bleedin’ idiot.
Noticing his surprise and discomfort, Buffy lowered her eyes. “I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t have come up here. It’s just that I saw you, and...” She stopped, looking up at him again, a stubborn look on her face. “You were watching me,” she then stated, calmly.
“What?” William gave her a startled look. “No! That’s bollocks, I...!” Realizing that trying to deny it only made him look like even more of a ponce, he stopped with a sigh. Hell, he had been watching her. They both knew it. “What if I was? Kept my distance, didn’t I? Wasn’t bothering you. You’re the one who’s up here...” His voice trailed off as he heard how defensive it came out. “Sorry,” he mumbled.
“No, it’s okay. I don’t mind. I...” Buffy hesitated, and he noticed for the first time how nervous she seemed to be. He just couldn’t figure out why. Then he saw how her face fell as his words started to sink in. “Oh. I’m bothering you, is that what you’re saying? Right. I’ll just leave, then.” She spun around, but he had already seen the crushed look on her face.
Suddenly unable to just let her get away like that, William grabbed her arm to stop her from leaving. “Wait. Didn’t mean it like that.” He could feel her relax a little as she turned around again, meeting his eyes. Swallowing, he awkwardly let go of her arm.
“Are you here by yourself?” The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, and she silently berated herself for not being able to keep the curiosity out of her voice.
“Yeah.” He could have lied to her, told her that his girlfriend was around here somewhere. Suddenly, he felt more pathetic than ever. He cleared his throat. “What about you? Surprised Captain Cardboard managed to let you out of his sight for more than two minutes.” Seeing the look on Buffy’s face, he felt a pang in his chest, knowing he had been out of line. Seeing how they were no longer friends, he had no right to insult her boyfriend.
Still, he refused to apologize. He hated the bloke with a passion. Riley Finn was a stupid git who didn’t deserve Buffy’s love. She was too good for him. The idea of her actually marrying that tall idiot made William feel like he was choking. Of course, a part of him felt like a real ass for not being able to be happy for her. But how could he be? How could he ever be happy for her when she had ripped his heart right out of his chest?
If only he could hate her. Then everything would be so much easier. Then maybe he would be able to let her go, once and for all. But he didn’t hate her. Not even a little bit. He loved her too much. And it was killing him. Closing his eyes for a moment, he struggled to get his emotions under control. Being away from Buffy for so long had been like torture. But being back in her presence now, after all this time, was almost worse.
“William...” Buffy sighed. The cold note in his voice had hurt her more than she wanted to admit. She had to remind herself that he didn’t mean to be cruel, knowing that he had never liked Riley. “It’s over between Riley and me.” There, the words were out. Not that it really made much of a difference anymore, she thought, bitterly. It was too late for that.
“What?” William’s eyes widened, and he stared at her in disbelief. Suddenly he didn’t know what to think. Surely he hadn’t heard her correctly. But the serious look on her face told him differently. He swallowed. “What happened?”
Buffy shrugged, not sure how to explain. Not sure she even wanted to. “Realized he was more into our relationship than I was. Couldn’t go through with it then, could I?”
“When?” he whispered, not daring to breathe. It doesn’t mean anything, he told himself, firmly. Still, his heart was racing.
She looked him straight in the eyes, and he found himself unable to look away, feeling like hypnotized. “About a month ago, or so. At least, that was when I finally made it official. But I think, in my heart, it’s been over since...” She stopped, for some reason unable to continue.
But William wasn’t about to let her get away that easily. Not now. “When?” he demanded.
Buffy bit her lip, suddenly afraid to look at him. “Since you told me you loved me.”
Silence.
She started to wonder if she had made a mistake. “William? Say something?”
“What do you want me to say?” He was surprised that he managed to keep his voice steady. This wasn’t happening. It was just his mind playing games with him. He would snap out of it any time now. Buffy didn’t care about him. Not the way he wanted her to, anyway.
Inhaling shakily, she gave him a pleading look. “I don’t know. Anything.”
He shook his head, slowly. “What are you saying, exactly?”
Buffy found herself staring at his lips, wishing she had the courage to kiss him. Or even better; that he would kiss her. But he wouldn’t. William may have loved her once, but he belonged to someone else now. This was just her torturing herself, dreaming of what she could never have. What she could have had, if only she hadn’t been so incredibly stupid. This was hell, and she deserved every moment of it for letting him go.
“Do you hate me?” Her voice was barely more than a whisper. Not trusting his voice, he could only shake his head. Buffy was quiet for a moment. “Well, you should,” she finally mumbled.
“On what grounds?” William rolled his eyes. “You not returning my feelings? Doesn’t seem very fair, does it? Hardly your fault.” He didn’t tell her how many nights he had been lying awake, just wishing he was able to hate her, or even dislike her. How he had been telling himself that she didn’t mean anything to him anymore. Or better yet; that he had never really loved her in the first place, that he just wanted her because she was unattainable.
It was all a bunch of lies, of course. He loved Buffy; always had, and probably always would. In fact, he loved her so much that it hurt. And that was the problem. He was so tired of hurting. That was why it was so much easier to be with Drusilla. He didn’t love her, so she couldn’t really hurt him. Even though she sometimes seemed to make a good show of trying. It was almost like she got off on seeing how far he would let her push him.
To Dru, it was all just a game. William realized that, and still, he stayed with her. Sometimes, he didn’t know why he kept torturing himself. All he really wanted was being loved. But not by Dru. Maybe that’s why he stayed. Because it felt safe. When he was fucking her, it was never about love, or passion. It was all about raw, physical sex. When he kept slamming his cock into her until he would finally come, he could forget, at least for a little while. Afterwords, he always felt numb. And it was a relief.
“Why wouldn’t you just talk to me?” Buffy sounded almost accusing now. “You tell me you love me, and then just take off. Did it ever occur to you that I might have needed some time to take it all in? But no!” Now she sounded angry. “Instead of giving me a chance to explain, you decided to just walk out of my life. Maybe that was easier for you, but...”
“You’re off your bleedin’ rocker if you think any of this has been easy!” William interrupted her, glaring at her. “You don’t get it, do you? You wanted to explain? Explain what, exactly? How I was in your heart, but you could never love me back? Didn’t need to hear that.”
“You’re the one who don’t get it!” Buffy stomped her foot, furiously. “What if I had told you...?” She stopped herself, feeling her anger fade away. Suddenly, all there was left in her was doubt. Was she really about to tell William how she felt about him? What good would that do now?
For a moment, William was confused. “Told me what?” He realized how tired he sounded. Why did she have to be so painfully beautiful?
“What if I had actually told you that I...?” Buffy looked him right in the eyes, and he felt like his legs were about to give in. Suddenly, her words made sense to him. Suddenly, he wondered why he hadn’t seen it before. Because the way she was looking at him now...
Barely aware of taking a step towards her, William couldn’t tear his eyes away from her. His whole body ached to touch her, but he didn’t dare. Not yet. “Tell me,” he breathed, huskily.
Her eyes never leaving his, Buffy closed the gap between them and put her hands on his shoulders. She opened her mouth, as if to say something, then closed it again. Then she crashed her lips against his, and the rest of the world ceased to exist.
TBC