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“Dawn, get the door!” Buffy’s voice called from the kitchen.

It was just after school, and Buffy was in the kitchen putting the snacks together for Dawn and her friends.

Joyce’s surgery had been a complete success according to the doctors. They had insisted on keeping her overnight for observation but she was due to come home sometime tomorrow night.

“Got it mom!” Dawn called, running down the stairs.

“Dad?!” Dawn said with surprise, opening the door wider and staring in shock. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to keep the Slayer distracted while you and the kiddies destroy the house.” Spike said with a slight grin.

“I heard that.” Buffy said, coming around the corner with a smile tugging at her lips as she tried to look stern.

“Eh, hi Slayer.” Spike said uncomfortably, shifting his weight slightly.

Buffy’s smile dampened slightly, but didn’t leave her face.

“Hey Spike. Why don’t you come into the kitchen and help me put some stuff together?”

Spike looked relieved and smiled slightly as he felt the threshold barrier dissolve, and followed Buffy into the kitchen with a nod of his head.

Over the course of the afternoon, Dawn’s party went off without a hitch. After the other kids had arrived, they had all settled down to play board games and watch movies, while Spike helped Buffy put out the snacks and drinks.

While the kids were watching their movies, Buffy left for a quick patrol, asking Spike to keep an eye on them.

After she had left, Spike sat back to just take stock of the evening so far. They hadn’t talked much. In fact, if they had spoken to each other at all it had been Buffy giving him instructions, or telling him what she knew of Dawn’s friends.

Spike still wasn’t sure how he felt, or really had any clue as to what he was doing. But for the hour and a bit they had spent puttering around in the kitchen, Spike was struck but the unfamiliar feeling of…Home? Family? Warmth? Whatever it was it gave him the feeling of nostalgia and made him think of times of before he had been turned and his mother.

Spike was shaken from his thoughts when Buffy came stumbling through the back door, with a bleeding gash above her left eye.

“Whoa, you alright there Slayer?” Spike asked, getting up from his seat at the counter, and walking over to her.

“Ya, ya I’m fine.” Buffy said, brushing off his obviously fake concern and making her way as quickly as she could up the stairs, and out of sight.

“Mom?”

Spike heard Dawn call out in a worried tone when Buffy didn’t move fast enough.

“I’ll be right there Dawnie!” Buffy’s voice rang through the house.

“What’s up with mom?” Dawn asked, coming into the kitchen.

With a frustrated sigh, Spike scraped his hands over his face. “I really wish you wouldn’t call her that.”

Dawn didn’t even bother with a response and just glared at him before turning on her heal and going back to her friends.

A minute or so later Buffy came down the stairs freshly showered, and a green and yellow bruise around the cut above her eye.

“Hey, everything ok while I was gone?” Buffy asked, limping slightly into the kitchen and grabbing two ice packs out of the freezer

“Ya fine.” Spike shrugged, looking at her expectantly.

“Good.” She said, holding one of the icepacks to her hip, and placing the other one on the counter while she busied herself with making hot chocolate.

“Well?” Spike prompted in annoyance.

“Well, what?” she replied, not turning around.

“Don’t give me that crap Slayer, are you going to tell me what happened or not?”

“Not.”

“What, you run into a tree or something?” Spike asked sarcastically.

“Sure, I ran into a tree.” She said stubbornly, still not turning to face him. Distantly, Spike noticed that she set out two cups on the counter.

“Damn it Slayer, why are you being so stubborn?” Spike growled.

“Why do you care?” Buffy snapped back, her head to the side just enough to be able to look at him.

Spike straightened with a look on his face as though he’d just been slapped.

In the seconds that followed Buffy’s question, two thoughts were running through his head. The first one was: ‘She’s right, why do I care? It can’t…I don’t actually care about her…do I?’ The second one was: ‘Bloody bint. Serves her right, getten’ her head bashed in. Fucken’ Slayer. Care about her! Me? Bloody insultin’ is what that is!’

Being the vampire that he was, Spike went with the most vulgar thought.

“You know? You’re right Slayer, I don’t care. Thanks for reminding me. Say, you wouldn’t mind tellen me what got a hold of ya anyway, would ya? I’m thinken’ of buyen’ ‘im a beer. Na, wait, he managed to draw blood, ‘d have to add a few shots of Jack to go with it.” He smirked cruelly.

This time, when that feeling in his gut twisted painfully, he told himself that it was suppressed joy at seeing the defeated slump in the Slayer’s shoulders.

“Please leave.” She said quietly, knowing that he would hear her.

“Oooh, what’s the matter Slayer? Did I hit a button?” He asked smugly, grinning.

“Don’t do this Spike. Please, not today.” She said, turning to face him. A pillar of strength.

Spike was still grinning sadistically, when Dawn came walking into the kitchen, rubbing her eyes.

“Hey mom?” Dawn asked sleepily.

“Yes Dawnie?” Buffy answered with a false smile, walking over to Dawn.

“I think everyone’s ready to go home.” Dawn yawned.

“Ok sweetheart. You get everyone packed up and I’ll drive them home.”

“Ok.” Said the little girl, walking back out of the room.

Buffy turned to Spike, who looked to have calmed down during her talk with Dawn.

“I’m going to take Dawn’s friends home. And when we get back, I expect you to be gone.” That said, Buffy turned on her heal, like her daughter before her, and strode out of the room.

***

On their way home from dropping off the other children, Dawn finally asked: “Mom, are you alright?”

“Ya Dawnie, I’m fine. I guess I was a little distracted tonight. Let some stupid fledgling nearly get a hold of me. Don’t worry, nothing your old mom can’t handle.”
Buffy said with a reassuring smile.

Dawn giggled. “Old? Mom, you’re twenty.”

“Yes, but in Slayer years that’s like…one hundred and forty. I’m older than your dad!”

This made both of them laugh until Dawn broached a topic they had both been avoiding.

“Mom, when I came into the kitchen earlier…were you and dad fighting?”

Buffy sighed sadly. “I’m sorry Dawn. I hope we didn’t ruin your party.” She took a deep breath, and continued on before Dawn could speak. “Dawn…You should know that I’m going to have Willow take away your dad’s invitation to the house…permanently.”

Sadly, Dawn nodded her head in resignation.

“I just…I thought, after our little talk, things could be different…be better. I guess I wanted things to be better so badly, that…I chose to see the prince, instead of the frog.”

“I don’t get it mom, he’s so mean to you. How can you love him, even after everything he has done to you?” Dawn asked.

Buffy smiled sadly, and Dawn didn’t want to think about the fact that she couldn’t remember a time when Buffy smiled with nothing but happiness behind it.

“Spike…William…is a good man at heart. Your dad, he…he puts up these walls and masks to try and hide the man he once was. The man he still is. Spike either doesn’t know it, or doesn’t want to believe it, but, William never died. He still lives on. And on the rare occasion that Spike lets his guard down, William is there…For anyone to see, if they would just look. I’m trying to explain this in a way you’ll understand. With Spike, I respect his skill as a warrior, and his dedication to do the right thing, even when that means going against his own nature. With William, I respect his values, his dreams…who he is. What he stands for. Maybe you’re right Dawn. Maybe I’m wrong, and what I feel isn’t love. Isn’t the saying; ‘You can’t have love without trust’?”

Dawn nodded, her eyes full of unshed tears.

“But then, even that’s all covered in gray. I don’t trust Spike not to hurt me; emotionally or physically. But I do trust him not to hurt others. I trust him with my friends, with you. I trust that if I ever really needed him to be somewhere, or help me when everything was on the line, he would be there. Not for me; but because it was the right thing to do. I don’t know if that answers your question but: would I trust Spike with my life? … No. Would I trust him with yours? In a heartbeat.”

Dawn had nothing to say to that, deciding to simply nod her head.

The rest of the ride home was made in comfortable silence.

When they finally got home, the house was completely silent and empty.

***

The next day, Buffy had just entered the Magic Shop to talk to Willow about doing the permanent disinvite on the house, when she remembered the red head mentioning something about an early test.
With a sigh, Buffy shrugged her shoulders, and turned to leave.

“I’m sorry.”

Buffy jumped and turned at the sound of the voice.

“For what?” Buffy asked neutrally, not letting her body language or voice give away any emotion.

“For…fuck. For everything, pet. For the way I’ve been acting, for the way that I’ve treated you…fuck, pet, I’m sorry.”

Spike sighed, running a hand through his hair.

Buffy nodded, looking at the ground with her arms over her chest protectively.

“Ya, I’m sorry too.” She said softly.

“No!” Spike said in frustration, striding towards her quickly. He stopped when she started backing away from him so that they were standing just feet apart.

“No, you don’t get it. I am sorry, actually fucking sorry. This isn’t just another bloody line, I actually mean it. For the things I’ve done, the things I said, the way I treated you…You never deserved any of it…and I don’t know what else I can say. Tell me Buffy, what do you need me to do?”

Buffy was speechless. She just stood there in the center of the shop, staring at him with her mouth slightly open.

Giving herself a little shake, Buffy brought her focus back to Spike and what he had just said.

“I…I-I can’t.” Buffy took a deep breath. “I can’t Spike, that’s not how it works. I can’t just give you a list of chores, and all is forgiven.”

“I know that, Buffy. I know. And I’m not asking you to forgive me…I’m asking you…if you can trust me?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“Buffy-“

“What do you want from me Spike? You want me to forgive you? You want me to just flip a switch and we can just pretend that you throwing me down a flight of stairs, and the horrible things you said, never happened? Well I can’t, as I said, it doesn’t work that way!” As Buffy’s voice started to rise, the tears rose as well. Making her even more angry at herself than she was at him.

“I can’t Spike... I just...I can’t.” She said, lowering her head in shame.

“Please luv.” The sound of Spike’s voice cracking caused Buffy’s head to snap up and look him right in the eyes. “Just one more chance.”

Buffy stared at him for a moment, as though trying to figure him out.

Spike could see she was wavering, and decided to put one last nail in the coffin.

“Please Buffy...For Dawn.”

That did it. With a widening of her eyes, Buffy’s shoulders slumped, and she looked to the ground again.

“Alright.” She said, her voice barely audible. “I’ll follow your lead. Just let me know how you want to handle this.” She turned and left quickly, not letting say another word. Her head was completely scattered and her heart was in knots.

What the hell was she doing?





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