Chapter 44: Look Within
After the shock had worn off, she’d reluctantly decided to wait until sunup to go after him. She knew he’d gone to his crypt, but if she went to him in the daylight, there’d be no running away. She wanted to be angry at him; wanted to feel some sort of rage toward him, but she couldn’t. She knew he wasn’t running away from them or their baby. He was running away from himself, because some old prophet guy had told him something that made him doubt himself.
Just before sunup, she dressed and made her way out of the house and over to Restfield Cemetery. It was all she could do to put one foot in front of the other. She hadn’t slept after he’d gone. She’d just lay there thinking about all of their conversations in the past couple of months. They’d put these insecurities behind them at Xander and Anya’s wedding. They were in this for the long haul, and she wasn’t letting him back out now.
The moment she reached Spike’s crypt, she could smell the scent of smoke from the lit candles. She thought about knocking, but desperate times called for desperate measures. After a few swift bangs with her foot, the door flew open and dimly lit a path to Spike’s old chair, where he was not sitting.
She could see the glow of torchlight coming from his underground room. Swiftly, she made her way across the crypt and started down the steps. She could hear him moving around in there, and she prepared herself for what she was going to say to him.
The moment her feet hit the stone floor beneath, she narrowed her eyes and peered around for any sign of him. There he was, sitting on the edge of the bed, obviously no sign of sleep in his haggard features.
“What’re you doing here?”
“I’m here to kick your ass.” She marched across the room and stood in front of him. He stared her stylish yet affordable boots. “I seem to recall promising you that if something like this happened again, I’d kick your ass. So get up, Spike. Let’s have this out.” He looked up at her, his eyes sad; weary. He realized that despite her even tone, her eyes matched his.
“Buffy…”
“No. You don’t get to talk. I get to talk. Because I remember not so long ago you promising me you were going to stay. The long haul, remember? Neither one of us are backing out, because we have this bond.” She placed her hand on her stomach. “You left me, Spike.”
“I didn’t leave you. I was…I was protecting you.”
“Bull. You were protecting yourself, and you know it. You’re afraid of slipping. You’re afraid of screwing up so bad that your dreams are twisting the words of some ancient prophet and playing tricks on your mind.”
“He said ‘look within,’ Buffy. And I had that dream. It was so real. It was…”
“It was a dream, hence the not being real. Spike, you can’t keep running. You haven’t slipped. The only human blood you’ve had is mine, and that’s because I let you drink from me. And you always know when to stop. You love this baby. I know you’d never hurt it.”
“What he said, Buffy…” Buffy sighed heavily and sat down next to him on the bed.
“You love our baby. You wouldn’t target it. I mean, that doesn’t even make any sense.”
“But what if…”
“What if what? You can control yourself. You’ve done that for how long now? Come on, Spike. You can’t for one second tell me that you’ve ever thought about hurting our baby.”
“I haven’t. I just…what if…”
“No! It’s not you, Spike. I’ve seen the way you are…the way you talk to the baby, especially when you think I’m sleeping.” She smiled a little. “You’d never hurt it. You’d never hurt me. I trust you, Spike. I trust you more than anyone.” Spike snapped his gaze up to hers.
“Maybe you shouldn’t.”
“Maybe you’re being an idiot.” She sighed with frustration. “You think you’re the first soon-to-be father who’s worried about not doing the right thing? You think you’re the first to…to dream about doing something so horrible?” She swallowed hard. “I’ll let you in on a little secret. Soon-to-be moms? Not so carefree either. I had a dream last week that I took the baby on patrol with me, and instead of staking the vampire…” She couldn’t finish that sentence. His features softened, and he looked down again. “My point is, Spike, they’re just dreams. I know the difference between a prophetic dream and a regular, fear-induced nightmare.”
“You’re starting to sound like your Watcher.”
“He has some good points most of the time,” she said quietly. “When I want to listen, anyway.” She placed her hand on his shoulder. “You don’t want to walk away?”
“How can you ask me that?” Spike asked, eyes boring into hers. “I want this more than…more than anything. But what if…”
“Oh stop it! Stop asking that question. We’ve never been parents before. We’re bound to screw it up a time or two, but you know what? Mistakes happen. But we love this baby too much to let something bad happen. This baby’s gonna be fine, Spike. But if you’re gonna keep walking away every time you get a little freaked out, then I can’t do this with you.” Her throat felt like it was going to close up.
“Buffy…”
“I love you, Spike. I love you so much that it hurts sometimes. Like right now. Like last night. You walked out on me, Spike, and you told me you wouldn’t do that. I know you thought it was the right thing to do, but all it was…you let this guy get to you. You let him feed on your worries and make them grow.” She watched as his shoulders slumped, and he so very much reminded her of a little boy just now. “Spike, you can’t keep doing this. You can’t. If there’s any doubt in your mind about having this baby with me, tell me now, because as much as it’ll kill me to do this without you, it’d be better to…to make a clean break before…”
“No!” he spat, standing up and turning toward her. Buffy stood too, coming face to face with him.
“Then grow up, Spike! You have to be a man and not some scared little boy. You’re not gonna hurt this baby. Nobody is, do you hear me?”
“I want this, Buffy. I do. I want to be there for you and for her.” He motioned toward her stomach. “But the prophecy…”
“You need to pick it apart again, Spike. He told you demons would only be interested in the baby because she’s mine. Just another way to get to me, right? Well, how would that work in your case? Huh? I thought you gave up wanting me dead years ago.”
“Well,” he said quietly, her reasoning somehow making more sense now. “Yeah.”
“It’s not you, baby,” she whispered, taking his hands in hers. “It’s not. You’d never hurt our baby. I believe in you.”
“I wouldn’t. I never…” He was shaking now. She placed her hands on his shoulders, moving closer to him, looking into his eyes.
“You wouldn’t,” she agreed with a nod. Finally, she sighed, knowing she had to say what she was about to say if any of this was going to work. “I know we said this was a forever thing. I know we said that nobody got to walk away. But if you can’t see that this baby needs you in its life; if you’re gonna walk away again…maybe next time I won’t come after you.” Spike froze beneath her touch. “I love you, Spike, more than I ever thought I could. But I need you to fight. I need you to fight all of your worries and your fears, because I have a lot of my own that I’m dealing with. I can’t walk away from our baby. She’s here with me, every day, growing and getting stronger. I can feel her, and I can feel that she needs you.” Spike felt a tear slide down his cheek. “You won’t hurt her, baby. I know you won’t. Please, just trust me. Trust yourself, ok?”
Spike nodded.
“A girl can only be walked away from so many times before she wonders if maybe she’s supposed to be alone. I don’t want that, ok? I want you. You understand?” Spike nodded. Buffy sighed with relief. “Good. Now if I ever see that Voraos guy, I’m so kicking his ass.”
“He’s kind of incorporeal,” Spike managed weakly.
“Oh. Well, I’ll just glare at him a lot then.” Spike cocked his head to the side.
“Why are you trying to make this better for me? I walked away from you, and…” She held up her hand to stop him.
“Because I’m starting to realize I’m not the only one with mood swings,” she grinned. “If I get to be a head case for nine months, I guess you do too. But I’m warning you, Spike. Next time? I will kick your ass.”
“I thought you said you’d let me go?”
“I lied. Picture me as that novelty wedding cake topper where the bride’s dragging the groom by his collar, ok?” She saw the smile curl up on his lips. “I need to you talk to me when you feel like this. Not to sound like my parents or anything, but we’re a team. We’re in this together.”
“God, I was such an idiot,” Spike muttered, putting his head in his hands.
“Little bit,” she winced.
“I swear I don’t know why you’re being so bloody nice to me. Couple of years ago you’d have put a stake in my heart.”
“A couple of years ago, I wouldn’t have let you in my pants.” She caught his glare and smiled.
“I wanna take you away.”
“What?”
“Let’s go somewhere,” Spike suggested. “Someplace far away from all of this.”
“Like where, Spike?”
“I dunno. Anywhere. Just wanna take you away.” Buffy smiled a little.
“You have no idea how good that sounds. But, I have to stay. Evil’s ass awaits my foot.” She scrunched her nose up at her own line but shrugged. “We’re here in your bachelor pad. That’s far enough away for now, isn’t it?”
“Thought you didn’t like it here?”
“Didn’t say I didn’t like it here. It’s quiet,” she said softly. They both settled back down on the bed, and he pulled her into his arms, lying back against the pillows. She sighed, resting her head against his chest. “Feels like nothing can touch us here, you know?”
“Mmm,” he murmured, kissing the top of her head. He sighed softly, wondering how he’d gone from being completely lost this morning to having the woman he loves back in his arms. He shook his head a little. She was too good to him, really, giving him all these chances to make it right. He knew in his heart he’d never hurt his child, but it worried him that he’d let this prophet get to him the way he had. Next time he saw him, which he hoped he never would, he was going to give him a piece of his mind.
After a few minute, he heard her sight against him, and he gently shook her shoulder.
“Buffy?” She didn’t answer. He smiled a little and nuzzled her hair with his cheek. He strengthened his hold around her and closed his eyes, letting sleep wash over him too.
***
“I’m not finding anything, Giles,” Willow muttered as she closed the thirteenth book she’d looked through that day. “What exactly did he say, again?”
“He told Spike that…that Buffy was in danger.”
“What kind of danger though? I mean, she’s always in danger.” Giles looked at Willow and Tara. They knew there was something he wasn’t telling them. All he’d been able to tell them last night was that a prophet had come to Spike and warned him of an impending danger. He couldn’t tell them it was because Buffy was pregnant.
“Danger? There’s danger?” Everyone turned to see Anya and Xander standing there, both looking slightly more tanned than usual and equally happy.
“You’re back!” Willow chirped. “How was the honeymoon?”
“Hot,” Xander said quickly.
“Yes. We had lots of sex,” Anya smiled.
“I meant…the weather was hot, sweetie, but I’m sure they could have guessed the rest.”
“Yeah, well,” Tara interrupted, clearing her throat, “you’re back in time to help us research.
“Who’s the big bad this time?” Xander asked, as he and Anya made their way across the shop hand in hand.
“No one exactly. We’re not sure,” Giles pointed out, picking up another book. “Spike was visited by the prophet Voraos.”
“Who now?”
“Voraos?” Anya asked. “I’ve heard of him. He’s the prophet that warns about impending…oh…”
“What?” Xander wondered, turning his head to look at his wife.
“Impending danger,” Anya muttered. “Welcome back to the Hellmouth.”
“Where’s Buffy?”
“Probably at home,” Willow suggested. “We didn’t make it back last night. We spent an entire night here and found nothing.” Giles shifted uncomfortably behind one of the chairs. Xander narrowed his eyes.
“Wait a minute. You know something.”
“What?”
“There’s something you’re not telling us.”
“Is that true, Giles?” Willow asked.
“No. I…”
“What’s going on, guys?” Everyone turned again to see Buffy and Spike walking hand in hand into the shop. The sun wasn’t completely down, but Spike carried his blanket with him. He draped it over the counter.
“Researching your creepy prophet,” Tara muttered. “We haven’t found anything.” Buffy’s eyes went wide when she spotted Xander and Anya.
“You guys are back already?”
“Gee, we missed you too, Buff.” Xander moved over and gave his friend a hug. She let go of Spike’s hand temporarily.
“Have a good time?”
“Yeah. We had fun.”
“And by fun, he means…”
“We get it, Anya!” Willow and Tara called in unison. They glanced at each other and smiled knowingly. Dawn came walking out of the back room. Giles had promised to pay her if she’d straighten up the training room and not break anything.
“Hey guys,” Dawn said with a broad smile. “Have a good honeymoon?”
“Yep. Hey Dawnster. How’ve you been?”
“Same,” Dawn shrugged. Dawn caught her sister’s gaze.
“Hey! Oh, are you guys telling now?”
“Dawn!” Buffy exclaimed.
“Telling what?”
“Wil, it’s…” Buffy looked at Spike at a loss for words. He shrugged.
“Probably better tell them, kitten,” he suggested. “They’re all here, after all, and nobody’s gonna know what to look for until they know.” Xander glanced at Anya and mouthed ‘kitten?’
“Yeah. You’re right.” Buffy let out a sigh and walked over with Spike to sit down at the research table. With each step she took, she could feel the questions building up in each of her friends’ minds. She couldn’t believe she was about to tell them she was pregnant. She’d wanted to wait a little longer, but with this warning from Voraos, it was best if the Scoobies knew what they were getting into, just in case.
“What’s going on?” Anya asked, as she and Xander scooted in between Willow and Tara. Dawn and Giles both gathered around, despite already knowing what was about to be revealed.
“Ok, you guys know about how when we were in L.A., Spike and I…you know…claimed each other?” Everyone was silent, glancing around at each other nervously before looking back at the Slayer. “Ok, well, something…happened.”
“You mean, besides the burning sensation where he bit you?” Anya concluded.
“Uh, yeah,” Buffy nodded. “Something pretty big.” She found it hard to swallow. “Well, what happened, and…and before anybody jumps to any conclusions about evil or something, we’ve already had it checked out, and everything’s fine and totally not evil.”
“You’re not making any sense, Buffy,” Willow said slowly, eyebrows furrowing together.
“Right,” Buffy muttered. “Uh…” She looked at Spike for help.
“Oh.” He cleared his throat, plastered a grin on his face, pulled his arm around his lady and leaned back in his chair. “We’re having a baby.” Everyone gaped at Spike and then looked to Buffy with the same slack-jawed expression. They were waiting for confirmation. She just smiled and nodded.
“I’m seven weeks pregnant. It’s human. Spike’s the father. We’re keeping it. Oh, and it’s not evil. I think that covers it, right Spike?”
“Wait a minute. You’re having a what now?” Xander looked back and forth from Buffy to Spike. “I mean…how? Wait, not how. I know how. But…how?!”
“We believe that it was because of the claim. Vampires cannot procreate, but since the literature tells of many possible outcomes with claims, it’s possible that this is why.”
“And the math adds up,” Buffy pointed out. “But I’m sure you don’t want the details.”
“Uh, no thanks.”
“Wow…a…a baby?” Willow wondered, her tone apprehensive but supportive. She reached over and took Buffy’s hand. “And you’re happy?” Buffy smiled and nodded.
“Yeah. I’m really happy.” She squeezed her friend’s hand.
“Congratulations,” Willow grinned. “I’m gonna be an Aunt.”
“Yeah, but I’m the only related aunt,” Dawn insisted.
“You knew, Dawn?” Anya wondered.
“Well, yeah. I haven’t known very long though.”
“Uh, Giles, Spike and I need to clear something up with you.”
“What’s that?”
“Voraos told Spike that the baby means nothing to the demon world.”
“Right.”
“So that would mean vampires too, right?”
“Well, yes, I suppose it would.” Buffy nudged Spike.
“See.”
“See what?” Buffy looked at Spike, and he looked down.
“Had a dream I hurt the baby,” he muttered. He could sense Xander about to speak up, and he snapped his head up. “But I wouldn’t. Wouldn’t ever do a thing to hurt it.”
“He wouldn’t Giles. I told him that it’s probably just him worrying about being a dad.”
“I’m no psychologist, but I would have to agree with Buffy. You have a soul, Spike. And as much as it pains me to admit it…you’ve been a very doting father-to-be thus far.” Xander glanced at Giles like he’d grown another head. “He’s been quite supportive of Buffy, and the last thing she needs is…well, the opposite.” Spike stared up at Buffy’s Watcher, incredulous that he’d just defended him. But, he didn’t want to say anything to ruin the moment.
“So…” Tara murmured, “the baby of a vampire and a Slayer. That’s…”
“Unprecedented,” Giles finished.
“Yeah,” Anya said with a slow release of breath. “This isn’t fair.”
“What, sweetie?”
“We’re the married ones. We’re supposed to be the first ones to have babies.”
“Gee Anya, I’m sorry I miraculously got pregnant with a child—probably the only one I’ll ever have—that wouldn’t exist under normal circumstances before you got pregnant up with the first of probably many babies.”
“It’s ok,” Anya shrugged. Buffy rolled her eyes and looked at Xander.
“I know this is a shock,” she murmured carefully, “but I want you to be in my baby’s life. You’re gonna be Uncle Xander, after all.” Xander seemed to perk up at the idea. “The baby’ll have plenty of aunties, but there’s only one uncle in this group.” She glanced at Giles. “Well, except for you, of course. But you’d be like…like a great uncle or something.” She made a face and dismissed it.
“Uncle Xander,” Xander thought out. “I kinda like the sound of that. Even if it is the spawn of Captain Peroxide over here.” Spike moved to give him the finger, but Buffy held his hand down.
“Hey. I thought you two were starting to get along.”
“Yeah, but then he goes and knocks up one of my best friends. Forgive me for being a little…you know…”
“A little what?”
“I don’t know. I’ll think of it later.” He sighed. “If you’re happy, Buff, and if that thing coming out of you doesn’t try to eat any of your friends…well, I’m happy too.”
“Aw, thanks, Xand. That’s…sweet.”
“Ok.” Buffy let out a breath she’d been holding for a few moments. “So now that you’re all up to speed, the only thing I can say is…if Dana calls, don’t mention this to her.”
“Why not?”
“’Look within,’” Spike quoted. “Could be the Council. We know she’s got them sniffing at her skirt.”
“Dana doesn’t wear skirts.” Xander looked at his wife with exasperation but let it go.
“So, I guess we keep looking for more info on this Voraos guy, and…what?”
“Buffy doesn’t patrol alone,” Spike spoke up.
“Huh?” She glanced at him warily.
“Remember what happened the other night?” Buffy frowned and nodded.
“You’re right.”
“So, the Scoobies’ll be on the prowl again?” Willow noted. “I could go for a little vamp dusting.” Everyone stared at her. “What? It’s good for stress relief, and with exams coming up and everything…”
“Look at you, Wil. You’re so badass,” Dawn grinned. Willow smiled sheepishly. Buffy sat back and watched her friends talk about how they were going to help her protect the baby from either accidents during patrol or whatever inside evil was going to rear its head and come for the kid. It was nice to not argue or feel tense around them.
She reached over and took Spike’s hand in hers, and nobody batted an eyelash. For the first time in a long time, she didn’t feel like she was being judged. She felt like the different pieces of her life were slowly coming together. And she smiled.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm starting to to worry that maybe I'm screwing this story up. I dunno...I'm glad to know there are some people out there enjoying it though! :)
Chapter End Notes:
Hey guys! Thanks for reading. Let me know what you thought of the chapter! I always love to read feedback!