One minute they were yelling, the next Buffy felt her walls breaking down. ‘This wasn’t my sweet and loving Angel who would make the world disappear and my world better. This was cold-hearted Spike who thought I was worthless. I wasn’t even that good in bed. God Angel. I betrayed you last night.’
Before she could stop, the tears began to fall. She killed Angel. She had to kill Angel. He was never coming back and she was left with Spike who didn’t even want to be with her. He probably just drank from her because he was hungry. He didn’t even care that she had never given her blood to anyone. Her mother hated her and wanted her gone. She was sure Giles blamed her for his Jenny’s death. Willow was in the hospital because of her. Angel was long gone because of her.
‘Spike should have killed me when he had the chance last night. I deserved it.’ With that last thought, her cries turned into deep sobs. She couldn’t take this life anymore. She was empty inside and the only time she felt whole again was when Spike’s cold fingers were touching her. For a few minutes last night, she had been tempted to ask him to enter her with more than just his hands, to make her his but that was so wrong. She was wrong. She was all wrong. She was destined to be alone forever.
As her sobs stopped she realized Spike was holding her. She didn’t care. She just needed to talk about it with someone so she started talking, “You left with Dru. I barely noticed. The fight was so intense. At a few points, I thought for sure I was going to die. He was on his knees and I was just about to kill him when it happened. His eyes glowed gold and he started to cry. He wiped the tears from his eyes and looked at me with such sorrowful eyes.” Her tears kept falling and she could barely get out the words but she knew she had to get them out, “He said my name. He looked so lost and confused and asked me, ‘What’s going on?’ I was there with a sword in the air ready to cut off his head and he was in so much pain. He stood up and looked at me with those brown eyes and whispered so full of confusion, ‘Where are we? I don’t remember.’ And the way he looked at me, I could tell he didn’t remember what happened so I dropped down the sword. He looked at the sword mark he had put on me and said, ‘You’re hurt.’ God it was so hard and he drew me in for a hug, ‘I feel like I haven’t seen you for months. Everything was so muddled.’ And he kissed my shoulder saying my name over and over again. Then Oh my God. I saw it. I saw the demon’s eyes glow and his mouth opened up. The demon was ready to suck the world into Hell and I had to kill Angel. I knew it at that moment, Angel was back and I had to kill him. It was my job, my duty to save the world. I’m 17 and I had to kill Angel because I’m the Slayer. I decided to make this as easy on him as possible so when he asked, ‘What is it, what’s happening?’ I told him to shush and be quiet and not to worry about it. This was my job, not his. My job to save the world and all that was in it. That was the arrangement. So I kissed him, told him I loved him, he replied that he loved me. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t let him know what I had to do so I told him to close his eyes. He trusted me so much and did so as I asked. I gave him a kiss and slammed the sword into his chest. He reached for me, with tears in his eyes and whispered my name again and again. I can still hear it echoing in my head, ‘Buffy, Buffy, Buffy’ just like that. He was sucked into Hell because I couldn’t save him and killed him. After he left, I just cried. But I realized I couldn’t stay there. So I left. I packed a bag, snuck out of the house and hopped on a bus to L.A.”
Buffy just couldn’t stop the tears. She was back to sobbing again and whispered, “My mother told me to leave the house, never to come back. Angelus killed Giles’s girlfriend and he must blame me because I slept with Angel. My love for Angel killed people. I’m destined to be alone forever.” Buffy felt Spike’s arms around her not saying a word still. She just cried and cried until she had no tears left. Then she sat quietly and leaned into Spike as he lifted her up and pulled her into bed. She felt the duster fall off of her as she was laid on top of his chest and she didn’t fight sleep as it came. She welcomed it and closed her eyes feeling safe but empty.
Spike held Buffy as she slept with her body still shaking as she continued to sniffle even in sleep. ‘How did I get here? I’m holding the bloody Slayer while she sleeps. She’s wearing a mark on her neck from my bite and she thinks I did some evil spell on her. What the bloody Hell am I supposed to do now?’ He looked up at the ceiling and yelled in his head, ‘What the bloody Hell am I supposed to do now? Is this some powers-that-be sick joke? Messing with Angel wasn’t enough but now you have to mess with me as well? Will you zap me with a soul next?’
He looked down and noticed that his hand was tucked in her hair and was gently running his fingers though it. ‘God I’m a ponce, a wanker, a pathetic loser. I’m love’s bitch is what I am but not sure what that has to do with this situation. I don’t love Buffy. She’s the Slayer. She’s meant to ruin my life’s existence. We should be fighting to the death not sleeping together for comfort.’ Spike’s head started to grow tired from all the thoughts and the emotional drain of actually crying for someone for once.
His whole existence had been spent making sure he was fed, and that he made Dru happy. She was fairly easy to keep happy. All it took was a child or two to eat, a place you can see the stars from time to time and sex mixed with pain. Sure Spike never did enjoy the pain but it seemed to make his dark princess happy. He sighed. He will never again see Dru he was sure. If he did, it wouldn’t be the same. She was over him. She probably never did love him in the first place. Perhaps that was his destiny: To love someone who would never love him back. With that thought, he fell asleep.