Buffy smiled as she sat in the living room with Spike watching a rerun of Passions. She was curled up by his side with her head resting against his chest and his arm was wrapped around her holding her tight and she was again lost in thought. ‘Does he really love me? Would he want to spend forever with me? He left Dru or well I guess Dru left him. Would that happen to us? What will happen if we ever go home? I don’t even want to go home but I guess it’s proper for me to eventually go home. God, why are things so confusing?’
Buffy bit her lower lip as she started to think about how she really felt about Spike as she smiled feeling his fingertips gently trace circles on her arm as he continued to watch his show. ‘Well I’m happy here. I’m more content than I ever knew possible. Some of that might be because I lack the pressure I had in Sunnydale. Will Spike ever pressure me like that?’
Buffy shook her head knowing she already knew the answer to that and Spike looked down at her and she smiled at him. He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead before continuing to watch his show. She sighed because she already knew her answer to her questions.
She snuggled in closer to him feeling him automatically tighten his grip to accommodate her and she closed her eyes against his chest letting her feelings for him flow through her mind. She remembered the first time she saw him, at the school, when her mom saved her. Then she saw him with Drusilla saving her and that memory hurt, but she also remembered seeing him walking through the graveyard at night after she had crippled him. Then she remembered him knocking down the cop who were taking her in and wondered if he knew then what he was starting. He was protecting her from the cops in a strange way.
Then since she ran away, he had been perfect. He held her every night while she slept. He comforted her through every nightmare even when she had hurt him prior to them. He made sure she was fed by fixing her food. How many people did she know who would sit and make food they didn’t even need to eat just so she would eat? She knew that answer without even having to think on it. The answer was no one would but Spike. He protected her, saved her, and cared for her, even when she didn’t ask for it. She’s not the easiest person to get along with. She knew this and sometimes she just wants to scream from frustration at what she was feeling. Hell, she rarely understood her own feelings much less have anyone else understand them. Somehow though, with all of that, Spike always knew what she needed.
‘Could I imagine my life without him?’ She turned to Cara’s suggestion. All she saw was darkness and fear. She saw her being alone forever and crying. She tried to remember when he wasn’t there. All she could remember was pain and darkness. She never wanted to lose him. He was her equal. She let herself compare Angel and Spike for just a moment promising herself although it was wrong, it would be important.
She thought of Angel. When she thought of Angel, her thoughts were confusing, never knowing how he was feeling. She thought of mystery. When she tried to imagine a future with Angel, she couldn’t. She would always be afraid of something going on or him leaving. She thought of times where she needed backup and didn’t have it. She thought of her friends bailing her out when he was nowhere in sight. He had claimed he was always watching her yet he was never anywhere when she needed him. She was alone a lot and lonely. She frowned realizing, she didn’t really love Angel. She loved what he represented and the mystery behind him. She never really knew him. She had no idea what he was like as a human. She had no idea how he felt about himself as a vampire. She didn’t even know he was involved with Drusilla until Spike had kind of dropped her in her lap and told her. She never really knew Angel.
Then she thought of Spike. She knew he would never leave her. He would protect her. He had told her about his past. She had told him things she had never felt comfortable telling Angel. He was pretty much her best and closest friend she had. She would die for him and him for her. Would anyone else really die for her? She knew the answer was probably not. She knew he was her soul mate. He was her equal and would always have her back no matter what was needed. He would be there standing beside her not hiding in the shadows. He would be there holding her hand to make her brave, letting her cry when she needed to cry and holding her tight through the night to protect her from anything. She smiled knowing she knew her answer. She was Spike’s and probably always was. She was his to kill and now his to protect. She looked up as Spike whispered, “Buffy, love, Passions is over. What would you like to do?”
Buffy smiled at him even as she was filled with excitement to what she had just figured out, “Could we talk? Could we take a walk or even sit in the garden since it’s still nighttime and just talk?”
Spike nodded and took her hand to take a walk with her. Spike knew exactly where he wanted to take her. He led her to the beautiful park he had passed when he was searching for her. He sat down on the bench sideways and split his legs making room for her to lean against him, which she willingly did. She would rather be held instead of looking at his face anyway. She spoke nervously trying to calm herself, “Spike, I’ve been thinking about the claiming thing.”
Spike said nothing and instead brought his hand up to run through her hair, an attempt to calm her fears and nerves that were radiating off of her. She closed her eyes and relaxed, “I’m ready. Well not this very second but I want to complete the claim. I just... I need to talk to you about some things first. I need you to tell me how you feel about me.”
Spike took a deep breath and said in a shaky voice, “I used to want to kill you. I wanted you dead more than I’ve ever wanted anyone dead but I could never bring myself to do it. Dru seemed to know why before I did. I was fighting it, I guess. God, Buffy, now I don’t want you dead. The thought of you dead kills me. If you were to die, I’d stake myself. I don’t know how I got to this point. I don’t know how this happened but I do know, I want the claim more than anything.”
He turned Buffy to look at him and joined her hands with his and he squeezed them gently as he spoke with his voice almost a whisper, “When you were taken, love, I tried to use the claim to find you. It was too weak. I felt so powerless. I never want to feel like that again. I don’t know why I love you but I do. I’m drowning in you.”
Buffy looked at him and gasped. She knew he loved her but never heard him say it besides that one time and here he was looking into her eyes with such passion and love that overwhelmed her. She pulled him to her chest and hugged him tight, whispering, “I love you too, Spike. I love the William part of you; I love the Spike part of you. I love every part of you even the part that struggles with doing good. I know that part exists but I still love you. What will happen to us?”
Spike held her close and closed his eyes letting her words wash over him. Buffy whispered, “Can we go home?”
Spike stood up nodding and took her hand pulling her to her feet and walked her home determined to let what he was really feeling be shown in his actions while making love. She leaned against him smiling as she knew she would always have someone to lean on and to watch her back for her for the rest of her life. Spike smiled knowing he had finally found the one for him and just hoped this claim thing worked out best for both of them. He never wanted to cause her anymore pain. She’s only 17 and she had experienced more pain in her life than any 17 year old deserved. Spike worshiped the ground she walked on and would willing die for her. He couldn’t imagine his life without her and he knew she was the one for him.