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Author's Chapter Notes:
A MASSIVE thanks to my Beta's Pixiecorn (Kelly) and Dorians kitten. Also a HUGE thanks to Edgehead (Mel) for the awesome banner, i love it Hun.
Chapter 4

Saying Goodbye.

It had been four days since Buffy had arrived in Sunnydale. All the arrangements for Joyce’s funeral had been made and she was starting to feel restless. Spike and Giles were constantly asking her how she was and if she needed anything. She found herself growing frustrated every time someone asked her if she was okay, contently acting like she was fragile and would break at any moment. She knew they were only worried about her but she still couldn’t seem to contain her annoyance.

She had mentioned to Giles that she was looking for an apartment to rent, desperately needing her own space. Giles had offered to move back into his own house next door. Buffy had quickly told him it wasn’t necessary, but Giles had been persistent and insisted that he move back into his own home.

He had been considering moving back ever since Joyce had passed. He simply found it far too difficult to be in the house without her. It only made his pain worse, every part of the house held memories of their time together, being there was a constant reminder of how happy they where and the fact that she was now gone forever was just too much for him to bear.

Giles and Spike had moved back into Giles’ place that very same day, and even though Giles had reassured her that this is what he wanted, Buffy couldn’t help but feel slightly guilty.

Willow was staying with her but Buffy had seen very little of her as she had been spending a lot of time with Xander lately. Not that she minded, it gave her time and space to herself, just what she wanted.

Buffy stood a few days later, a sad smile on her face, and stared down at her mother’s grave. The sun had set an hour ago but she just couldn’t tear her eyes off the grave. Joyce was gone, really gone, and Buffy didn’t know if she was ever going to fully be able to deal with that fact.

The few weeks prior to Joyce’s funeral had been spent packing. Buffy had rushed home to Sunnydale and jumped into organizing everything for her mother’s funeral. She’d always found a way to distract herself, there was always something that needed to be done. Something or someone was always there, taking her mind off the fact that her mother was really gone.

But now it was quiet, everything was done and finished. She was alone.

A million thoughts ran through her mind at once. What if she had stayed instead of going back to New York? She knew her mother had told her to go home to New York but now she wondered if she had stayed could she have saved her? Would she have been able to get her to the hospital in time?

Buffy knew it was pointless to think about it; the doctors had already explained that there was nothing anyone could have done. It was very sudden and quick. Joyce would have felt dizzy and maybe slightly nauseated, but there would have been no sign of anything seriously wrong with her Buffy had been reassured that her mother had most likely lost consciousness as it happened but she couldn’t stop thinking that maybe, if she had been there, that she could have saved her mother.

Buffy felt fingers entwine with hers, she didn’t need to look up to know who it was. She’d known that it was only a matter of time before he came back here looking for her.

“I figured I would find you here.” He whispered softly.

Buffy couldn’t look at him, she didn’t want to. She knew that if she did, she would remember the pain, the rejection and all the nights she spent crying over him.

Now in this moment, Buffy wanted nothing more than be able to pretend they were Buffy and Spike, best friends. She needed to pretend that everything was okay between them.

“I can’t seem to leave,” Buffy whispered. “I feel like if I walk away… I’ll be abandoning her somehow.” She tried her best to explain.

“You’re not abandoning her, love. She’s not there, she’s here…” he said turning her to face him, softly touching her forehead. “And here,” He whispered, placing his hand just over her heart.

Buffy slowly raised her head, finally allowing herself to meet his eyes for the first time. Blue eyes meet green ones, and Buffy let her tears fall.

Her mother had been gone for a week now and she hadn’t allowed herself to cry. Buffy had been trying her hardest to stay strong, refusing to break until she knew all the arrangements were final. But now everything was done, and she couldn’t stop the tears that fell.

Spike’s heart broke for Buffy. He hated seeing her so hurt, her beautiful eyes so full of pain, tears spilling down her cheeks. He pulled her into a hug and held her close.

“That’s it, love. Let it all out. I’ve got you.” Spike whispered and stroked her hair while she cried into his chest. After a few minutes, Buffy slowly pulled back and glanced up at him.

He was so close, and he was looking at her like she was the only person in the world that mattered to him. Ever so slowly, Spike leant forward. Buffy felt her heart jump. She almost started crying again when his lips brushed against hers. It felt real, honest, loving and so right, but she knew it was all fake, just like it had been years ago.

Spike groaned at the feel of Buffy’s wet lips finally being on his again but they were only there a moment before she pulled back, looking stunned and almost scared.

“I’ve got to go,” Buffy said, quickly pushing past him.

“Buffy…” he started, but she raised her hand stopping him.

“Don’t, okay…. It’s just another mistake.” She snapped, before almost running from the cemetery.

Spike stood there, stunned and hurt. “It’s just another mistake.” Those words slammed into him, burning him right to the core.

He needed a drink. “A big one.” He thought, heading out of the cemetery and towards The Bronze.

It had been three days since he had last saw Buffy he had ran into her friends occasionally but from what they told him Buffy was taking some time to herself, thinking it was best to leave her alone to grieve for her mother, he had kept his distance waiting for the right moment to talk to her about what had happened between them at her mother’s grave that night.

Spike walked into the Bronze and headed straight for the bar ordering a drink he turned to scan the club he was slightly surprised to see Buffy and her cousin Faith on the dance floor, he thought it best to just stay at the bar, leave her alone to have fun with her friends, she needed it.

Taking his drink he turned, searching The Bronze for a seat. He cast his eyes back at the dance floor and felt a sudden rage boil through him. Buffy surrounded by a group of guys, was dancing and rubbing herself against one in particular. He downed his drink in one large gulp and slammed the empty glass down.

He was halfway over to her, more than ready to drag her off the dance floor and away from the group of males, but was stopped when he saw her walking towards the back door with one of the men trailing after her.

Spike stormed out the back door, determined to find Buffy and talk some sense into her. The door clicked shut behind him as he scanned the ally for her. It didn’t take long to notice the young couple going at it against a nearby wall.

The guy was pressed up against her, running his hands all over her body.

“Boy doesn’t even know what he’s bloody doing.” Spike thought. He wasn’t really surprised, Buffy was clearly out of the guy’s league. Walking over to them, he quickly pulled the boy off her.

“Get gone!” He hissed. The guy didn’t need to be told twice. Spike pushed him towards the ally entrance and watched as he scurried off.

“God Damn it, Spike!” Buffy spat.

Spike turned, his face coming close to hers as he raged “What the hell was that?” He snapped. “That,” Buffy growled. “Was none of your business.”

“So this is who you are now? Picking up complete strangers in bars and shagging them against ally walls?” He hissed, enraged.

“I don’t have to explain myself to you.” Buffy moved to push past him.

Spike grabbed onto her arm and pulled her back, pushing her against the ally wall. Buffy was stunned for a moment; Spike had never been this forceful with her.

She felt a mixture of fear and excitement flood through her, skin going hot with excitement as moisture pooled between her thighs. Her breath was coming out in small, shallow pants, she had never been so turned on in her life. The lust in Spike’s eyes was intoxicating.

Buffy didn’t have another moment to think before Spike smashed his lips down onto hers, forcing his tongue past her lips.

He moaned at the feel of her tongue massaging his, battling for dominance.

Buffy gasped in shock and pleasure at the feel of his fingers pushing her now wet thong aside and slipping two fingers in with ease. She moaned, arching her back and thrusting her hips into his hand. Buffy felt her whole body go hot andflushed with pleasure. She knew she wasn’t going to last long; it had been so long since his hands had been on her and it felt too good.

She knew this was wrong, another mistake and that she should stop, push him away and go home but she was lost. Buffy was too excited and far too turned on to deny him now.

“Is that how you like it?” Spike groaned, she only moaned in response “Is this what you wanted?”

“Oh God,” she whispered when she felt his thumb begin to circle her clit, while two of his fingers continued to thrust into her welcoming heat.

“That’s it, love. Come for me…let it go. I’ll catch you. I’ll always catch you.” He whispered huskily into her ear, his hot breath on her neck. His fingers were touching her in all the right places. It was too much to handle. Arching her back again, she wailed in release.

Slipping his fingers from her heat, Spike couldn’t stop himself from licking his fingers clean. “God she tastes so good.” He groaned inwardly, watching as Buffy got her bearings.

She felt like such an idiot. How could she let this happen? She hated that Spike could affect her so much. She felt like she couldn’t even control her actions when he was close.

Spike wasn’t surprised when Buffy pushed past him.

“Buffy!” He called.

Buffy spun around to face him. “Just stay away from me!” She snapped, turning back around to walk out of the ally and stumbled when she saw who was walking towards her. “Angel?”

“Hey, I thought I heard your voice.” He smiled and leaned down to kiss her softly He pulled away when Spike walked over to them.

“Who’s this?” Spike asked, clearly annoyed. Buffy turned to face him.

“Um, right, introductions…um …. Spike this is Angel, Angel this is Spike.”

“Nice to meet you,” Angel smiled.

“Yeah, you too…How do you know each other?” He asked, slightly confused by the kiss he had just seen them share.

“I’m Buffy’s boyfriend.” Angel smiled as Buffy looked down almost guiltily.

Spike felt his jaw tighten as he watched Angel slip an arm around Buffy and hug her close to his body. Spike said nothing. He only nodded before walking past them, heading out of the ally and straight back to the bar. He definitely needed a drink now.

Buffy sighed when she heard the backdoor to The Bronze open and close. It was clear Spike wasn’t happy. She glanced at Angel and stepped out of his arms.

“Why did you do that?” she asked.

“Do what?”

“Tell Spike you were my boyfriend.”

“Well I….”

“We have an arrangement Angel, not a relationship.” Buffy had met Angel at the gallery she had worked at in New York. He was the gallery’s lawyer.

One night, while working late together to finalize some art sales, they had slept together. Afterwards Angel had wanted them to be in a relationship but Buffy had explained that she had no desire to be in a relationship. She explained that what had happened between them was purely sexual.

Angel had agreed, after much persuasion and they had continued a sexual relationship, both coming to terms with the fact that it was never going to be anything more than that.

“It’s been a year Buffy… I thought maybe if I stuck around, let you have it your way for a while that maybe you’d… I don’t know,” he sighed. “Change your mind…You know how I feel about you,” he whispered.

Buffy couldn’t help but feel bad, she had been sleeping with Angel for a year and still, her feelings hadn’t changed, she just didn’t feel the way he did. She had found after her experience with Spike that it was better to get what you needed and get gone, no strings attached.

Being in a relationship, opening yourself up to another person, to Buffy that just seemed like an invitation for more pain.

“I know but I…I just don’t feel that way for you… I’m sorry,” she replied.

He smiled softly. “I had to give it one last shot.”


Buffy glanced up at Angel, one eyebrow raised. “One last shot?” She asked confused.

“I’m moving to L.A. That’s why I’m here, I had an interview at a law firm called Wolfram and Hart yesterday. I got the job, so I thought I’d drop in and see how you were before I headed back to New York to pack.”

“That’s great,” Buffy smiled. “Congratulations. Well maybe we’ll run into each other from time to time?”

“Doubtful, with you living in New York.”

“Actually, I’m living here now. I’ve moved into my Mom’s old place. I’m sending for my stuff in a few days, I’m going to take over mom’s gallery here in town. I just…I wouldn’t feel right having a stranger run it and besides, that was always my plan when I was younger.”

“Right…. Before Spike.” Buffy met Angel’s gaze. She had always been honest with Angel about Spike and what had happened between them, but she was surprised to hear him bring it up.

“I mean, that was him wasn’t it?” He asked, pointing to the door where Spike had disappeared.

“Yeah.”

“He looked pretty upset when I said I was your boyfriend. He may care for you more then you realize.”

“It’s doubtful, but thanks.” She smiled.

Angel smiled back. He had a feeling he was right about Spike, it was clear by the other man’s reaction to the two of them. “You may want to give him a chance Buffy. Don’t close yourself off forever because of one bad experience.” Angel smiled sadly. “I just want you to be happy…even if it’s not with me.”

“You’re a good man Angel. I know you’ll find someone who will love you as much as you love them.”

“I hope so,” he whispered.

“I know so.” She smiled.

“I guess this is goodbye then?” Angel whispered.

“Yeah.” Buffy replied, jumping slightly when Angel leant down and kissed her softly on the lips one last time, before stepping past her and walking towards his car.

“You need a ride home before I head to the airport?” He asked, turning to face her.

“That would be great,” she smiled, following Angel out of the ally.

Spike walked out if the Bronze a full bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand. He scanned the alleyway and found no traces of Buffy or Angel and sighed. Hearing laughter coming from the car park he looked up to see Buffy stepping into a black BMW and Angel closing the door for her. He felt his chest tighten, she was going home with Angel. Buffy really didn’t give a damn about him.

With a sigh, he opened the bottle of JD and started guzzling.


Chapter End Notes:
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