You can outdistance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you.
~ Rwandan Proverb
Buffy stepped off the plane in sunny Ohio. She was so thankful to be out of England. She hoped this place would be better. She missed Spike. Tears overwhelmed her for a few minutes before she was able to wipe them away and move on. She just wouldn’t think about that until she was settled.
Spike would have wanted her to be strong for him. Perhaps he was even in heaven right now looking down at her.
She sighed. Who was she kidding, he wasn’t in heaven. He was so sweet and kind to her but he would never get to go to heaven. She would never see him again. Tears fell down her face as she then saw Faith and she tried to wipe her eyes but wasn’t fast enough.
Faith looked at her and said, “B you’re too skinny. You look miserable. You know Spike would have wanted you to move on right? We girls have to stick together B. Come on, Robin’s in the car.”
Buffy accepted Faith’s offer to bring her bags to the car and wiped at the stray tears as she climbed into the back. She felt more threatening to form as she watched Robin and Faith hold hands in the front of the car. She unconsciously rubbed the scar on her hand. If Spike was here and they would hold hands and she imagined the scars would match. She sighed as another tear fell. Would she ever really be able to start over?
Buffy sighed looking around this one room apartment Faith had arranged for her to stay in. She really couldn’t afford much more so she didn’t complain. It had a bed, a small kitchen area and a bathroom. All the important things that a girl would need to survive. She sighed lying back on her bed and couldn’t stop the tears from falling. She missed Spike so much.
“You’re insufferable!”, Spike said.
I rolled my eyes saying, “Thank you. That helped.”
Spike continued getting annoyed, “I wasn’t trying to cheer you up!”
I replied, “Well what are you trying to say?”
Spike took a deep breath and paced, “I don’t know! I’ll know when I’m done saying it. Something pissed me off and I just… Unattainable! That’s it!”
I figured I should just say what he wanted so I tried to appease him saying, “Okay. I’m attainable. I’m an attainthon. Can I sleep now?”
Spike spoke quietl,y getting my attention. I was used to Spike being angry even being frustrated as all well but usually he didn’t speak quietly or gently to me. It got my attention so he continued, “You listen to me. I’ve been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I’ve seen things you couldn’t imagine, and done things I’d prefer you didn’t. I don’t exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood, which does not always rush in the direction of my head. So I’ve made a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls.” He knelt in front of me continuing, “A hundred plus years, there’s only one thing I’ve ever been sure of. You.” He tried to touch me and I thought he wants to kiss me wanted me to say how sweet he was being. I had no inclination to do either so I turned away but I was wrong and he continued stating, “Look at me. I’m not asking you for anything. When I tell you that I love you, it’s not because I want you or ‘cause I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with you.” I felt a tear start to fall as my heart started to swell from the love and adoration I was feeling at that moment. I kept thinking why did he love me so I listened as he continued, “I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your strength, and your kindness. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect charity what you are.” He paused and I wondered what he was going to say, “You are a hell of a woman.” I cried openly now but quietly as he continued, “You’re the one, Buffy.”
“I don’t… I don’t want to be the one.”
Spike smirked and replied, “I don’t want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear.”
I tried hard not to smile but couldn’t help myself and I found myself giggling a little. He always knew how to make things right and would never leave me. He was really the answer to my prayers. Everyone else betrayed me and left me. Spike came to find me and stayed with me through the night giving me the strength I needed to continue the fight.
Only he did leave her. He died and left her behind. She curled up in her ball on her bed hugging a bear she called Spike.
He would help her get through this. He would make things right. He would have sat there telling her to stuck it up and then tell her how wonderful and strong she was so she would get through this.
She closed her eyes trying to imagine him saying that but it hurt too badly. She was empty. A part of her was missing that she would never have back. Something had happened and she had fallen head over heels, completely in love with Spike. Her life would never be the same again.
God she missed him.
Buffy yawned realizing it was a new day. She didn’t want to get up but she needed to eat to keep her strength up. She went into the kitchen and found the crackers she had packed in her bag. She nibbled on them not really feeling like eating or going grocery shopping.
She heard a knock on the door and said, “Who’s there?”
Faith replied, “It’s Robin and me. We bear gifts!”
Buffy answered tiredly, “Come in.”
Faith bounced happily into the room carrying two bags of groceries while Robin carried three. They put them on the tiny counter and basically ignored her as they started to unpack what they had brought.
Faith broke the silence finally saying, “We knew there was no food in the house and we knew you needed to eat and Dawn had given us a heads up on your needing some help so we figured we would get you settled in. Robin has dishes for you, I brought groceries.”
Robin smiled at her hating the way she looked, so pale and sickly. He produced some daisies from the bag and grinned saying, “I brought you flowers even! They are daisies. Faith wouldn’t let me buy you roses saying only the roses are for her but I figured daisies are cheery.”
Buffy tried to smile and said, “Thank you. I appreciate it. It makes the room seem cheerier.”
Faith bounced around the room saying, “It really does. You should see the place Robin and I are sharing. I wasn’t too into the house thing myself. I wasn’t one much for settling down but I like it now. Robin and I, well, we rarely get bored. When we need a change of scenery we just use another room in the house. We painted each one in a different color and each room has a different theme. That helps tons so that I never really feel settled. Tonight we will come get you for patrol if you want. There’s always tons of action. We have a few master vampires who are stuck up in some corner of this town we can’t find so every night there are new fledglings hatching so it makes for some action! It’s different then Sunnydale.”
Buffy smiled a little bigger trying to put on a happy face. She was actually glad to see Faith so happy and see that she liked Robin. It seemed the girl had finally grown up and became an adult. Buffy didn’t feel much like an adult these days. Actually she realized, she didn’t feel much like anything.
Robin looked at Buffy studying her for a minute saying, “Oh yeah. Giles called. He said he needed your advice on something. He had received a call from L.A. this morning and after the Dana thing, he wanted your opinion. I have a cell phone I picked up for you this morning. It’s connected to Faith and mine with free incoming calling. You can call him whenever.”
Faith smiled at her, determined to make the best understanding how hard it is to be alone and said, “We will stop by at 6. We can perhaps pick up dinner or something before patrolling at 8. We will leave you to eat and get dressed and call Giles. See you soon!”
Faith bounced out of the room happily with Robin in her wake leaving Buffy alone.