5 years later...
Buffy sat in the beige-toned waiting area of the plush office as she toyed impatiently with gold watch adorning her left wrist. She adjusted her black slacks for what felt like the millionth time as she waited for the doctor to retrieve her. In what had to be a test of patience and wills, she waited, resisting the urge to pace the small room and alert the other clients to her anxiety. The room seemed smaller than when she had first entered and she checked the path to the doorway one more time, ensuring it was still clear if she needed to run.
“Buffy?” Buffy’s head whipped up at the sight of the older brunette woman standing in front of her with a welcoming smile. The woman beckoned her into a back office and motioned for her to sit on the dark leather couch. As she sat Buffy noticed the picture in the corner had changed from last weeks session. It had been a portrait of the woman’s daughter and now housed a photo of her entire family, right on down to the yellow Lab in front of the picket fence. Unconsciously, Buffy toyed with the platinum rings adorning her left ring finger as she waited for the doctor to say anything at all and start the hour off.
***
“Buffy? Did you want to say anything before we start?” Dr. Victoria Bennett waited for the blonde’s focus to re-enter the room before continuing. “How’s Dawn?”
Buffy smiled as an image of her bubbly daughter entered her mind. “She’s good, real good. She has a dance recital at the school this Friday, she’s dancing one of the leads. Her teacher said she may be one of the best he’s seen in a long time.”
“What about your husband? You shared some distress over your marriage in last week’s session. How are you two doing this week?” Dr. Bennett noticed Buffy stop rubbing at her rings and promptly scribbled down a couple of notes.
“He’s good I guess. He’s my Mr. Wonderful, always there when I need to talk. He wants me to talk to my mother soon, says it might help with my healing and Dawnie needs to know her grandmother but how can I let Dawn meet the woman that wouldn’t believe me when I told her? Why should I let her anywhere near Dawn when she chose to stay with John and call me a liar? Should I want Dawn to know her?”
“Buffy I want you to take a step back. What did we say two weeks ago about the ‘should’? You are not responsible nor obligated to include your mother or her actions in your everyday life. You’ve been married four years now?” At Buffy’s hesitant nod, she continued. “Do you trust your husband?”
“Of course I do. Why on earth would I marry him if I didn’t?” Buffy clenched at the Kleenex wadded in her hand, knuckles white from exertion.
“Do you trust your mother?” Dr. Bennett continued, noting the difference in her patients’ demeanor as the topic shifted.
“No. She betrayed my trust a long time ago.”
“When you were 16 did you trust John?”
Buffy thought about it for a moment before nodding her head vigorously. “There was nothing to distrust about him. He told me he loved me and everything would be alright.”
“Buffy, was the rape your fault?”
Buffy hesitated at the question. In her mind she knew nothing that had happened was her fault but her heart told her differently. In the back of her mind, she concocted different scenarios that would have ended the situation much faster than it had. If she had been quicker, fought more, locked the door, told someone… “I don’t know”
“Buffy, there was nothing you could have done when it was happening. Looking back at it maybe there were but right then and there, there was nothing you could have done to prevent it from happening. He was the adult in the situation, he knew better. He took advantage of your trust. I want you to repeat after me ‘It was not my fault’.”
Buffy repeated the words in a monotone fashion not really registering the impact behind them. Her gaze shifted to the clock. Only twenty minutes into the session and she was getting fidgety.
“Buffy, what would you say to your sixteen year old self?”
“Huh?” Buffy’s gaze returned to the smiling therapist as her brow lifted in confusion.
“If you could go back in time what would you tell your sixteen year old self…fifteen…fourteen, it doesn’t matter. When do you wish you could tell yourself to not let him through that door? When could you tell your mother or this Spike person?”
Dr. Bennett went back to jotting down notes on the yellow legal pad as she waited for the trigger to start.
“Why would you bring up Spike? Spike is dead, there is no Spike anymore. I killed him.” She frowned at the thought of his desperate expression the last time she’d seen Spike. He’d run after her trying to catch her car as she left Sunnydale in the dust. She could still see his forlorn expression as she watched him collapse against the ‘Welcome to Sunnydale’ sign as she pulled onto the highway. That had been the last time she’d ever laid eyes on Spike and she regretted it everyday.
“Alright, Spike is dead. What would you have done differently?”
“I would have told him. There were so many times I could have but didn’t. I would’ve told my mom about Dawnie…” The tears started at the mention of her daughter’s name. Her gorgeous blue-eyed, brunette, wonderful daughter.
“It was because of Dawn that you decided to come see me wasn’t it?” Dr. Bennett asked the question rhetorically as she started in on another. “When did the nightmares start exactly?”
“When were they ever gone would be the better question. They started back up again when Dawn was two.” Buffy fidgeted on the leather couch, her right hand nervously toying with the rings on her left hand again.
“Why was that?”
“My mom called again. John had a heart attack and she wanted us to fly in to see him in the hospital.”
“And did you?”
“Yes”
“Alright, I want you to think about why you went back to Sunnydale when you’ve said in the past it’s been one of your worst regrets. Same time next week?” Dr. Bennett gave the anxious blonde a fierce hug before sending her back into the real world. An hour wasn’t enough to deal with all of her anxieties but would put a damper on some of the dread and fear she was already feeling.
Buffy headed quickly towards her black Toyota Prius, smiling at people along her path and checking her cell phone for missed calls.
There were two. Both from her loving and charming husband who’d got past her emotional barriers and into heart. The man who despite everything stayed with her and the ghosts of her past as she struggled daily to simply survive. She quickly dialed her home number and smiled at the deep baritone voice on the other end with his loving welcome.
“Hey honey, I’m coming back home.”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
ok first off- yes it is a big jump- 5 years to the future. No, I have not gone insane and yes all of your questions will be answered. This was planned a couple of chapters back and will be explained.