Tears ran down Joyce’s cheek even harder at her daughter’s statement. The trust that had been building in her daughter’s eyes from birth was gone in an instant. Instead it was replaced by unchecked loathing and fear that emanated from the jaded orbs. Joyce felt the blame and hatred hit her like a brick to the head as she fought from visibly cringing away from the bitter look Buffy kept leveled on her, unwavering except for the occasional tear-filled blink. Feeling nothing but despair and intense self-loathing, Joyce pulled the small girl closer to her, wrapping her arms tighter around her and crying into the blonde hair.
Repeating “I love you” and clutching the tiny frame tighter, her mind reeled in an effort to preserve something of their relationship; to rid of the hatred in the girl’s eyes.
Racking her brain, Joyce tried to find the right words to say but sadly this had never been covered in Parenting 101. There wasn’t a parenting manual the hospital handed you after the baby was born and she couldn’t flip to chapter thirty-seven, “What to do when your child hates the you didn’t protect them.”
God, she wanted to read chapter thirty-seven. Or, go back in time and prevent the bastard from entering their lives and subsequently destroying the relationship she had with her daughter.
It had been so much easier dropping Buffy off at her first day of preschool and watching from the small glass window as the little girl with pigtails and pretty pink dress played with her new friends. Or even helping with mathematics homework she hadn’t seen or used in years. Joyce ran a trembling hand down her face, contemplating the existence of evil in the world.
Little Tommy Bruckner was first on her list after he’d pushed Buffy down at the park. Her little girl hadn’t cried but it was one of the most painful moments of Joyce’s life. Hank Summers would be next after he had deserted his family for his secretary and thirdly, and the most deadly of all, would have to be her former lover…Joyce shook in revulsion. The same man she had loved and trusted had done the unmentionable to her daughter. Joyce took a deep breath and finally spoke, “I don’t want you to hate me but I certainly don’t have any credence to prove that I will never let anything or anyone hurt you. Please believe me, Buffy. I love you and nothing will ever hurt you again, I promise.” She begged, wanted to plead for forgiveness, but held strong as the tears swept down her cheeks.
Buffy flinched at the seemingly loud voice in the otherwise silent and tension-filled room. She shook her head in the negative. “You can’t promise that. You can’t promise anything right now.”
Releasing a shaky breath, Joyce trembled as she slowly absorbed the words. There was nothing more that she could say that would change her little girl’s opinion. That trust was lost and nothing but perseverance and sheer luck would change that fact.
There was nothing but three little words that she hoped would influence their relationship from that moment on. Three little words that she hadn’t said enough in the past and they were three little words Joyce wasn’t sure she could say enough.
“I love you.” She tried to pour all of her love into those simple words. A mother’s love and a mother’s concern bore down on the easy enough to say words. Joyce watched as her daughter visibly shrunk away from her. Disconcerted, Joyce engulfed the small body in her arms and pressed the blonde head to her chest as she whispered the words over and over again. Nothing would ever change the fact that she had failed as a mother, in this aspect as least, but she was determined to make it up. At that very moment Joyce made a promise to herself and more importantly to her daughter that she would never let anything hurt her baby girl again. There would be nothing but love in the house and nothing but words of encouragement, not of disgust. Joyce trembled again and clutched Buffy tighter to her as she recalled her words from earlier, “Are you lying to me?” Said out of desperation and intense pleading for a lie so they could revert to the picturesque family once more, she was revolted at how callous she sounded.
A tiny whimper caught her ear.
“Please don’t.”
Loosening her arms slightly, Joyce pulled back to gaze into Buffy’s eyes. “Don’t what?” She asked hesitantly.
“Don’t love me. Please just don’t.” Buffy whispered, wringing her hands together from where they were scrunched beneath her mother’s chin. “I don’t deserve it.”
Shocked, Joyce released her tight grip on her daughter. “How could I not love you?”
“I’m unlovable.” Buffy scooted back on the couch to distance herself from the comforting arms. It was too much to handle. She was unlovable. It was just as he had said it would happen. No one could ever love her but him. He was the one sacrificing to love her and he was right. She was unlovable. Already rationalizing that Spike was only with her because of sex and the pleasure she could give him was easy. After all, he had run into Harmony’s arms quick enough. It had to be the same with her mother.
“You could never be unlovable,” Joyce blurted, staring wide eyed at the girl. It was absurd that her daughter could ever be unlovable and even more absurd that the girl could and would believe it. “I will always love you. You came from me, out of a place of love, and into a world of love. There is nothing unlovable about you, a bit trying, but never unlovable.”
Buffy watched her mother’s eyes for any hints that the older woman might be lying and relaxed slightly when she found none. Still unwilling to believe the unbelievable (after all John had been right when he said Spike would leave her) she renewed her crying spell and allowed her mother’s arms to surround her in their warm cocoon once more.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm truly sorry for taking such a long time in posting this latest chapter. I haven't forgotten about the story (or any of them) but my personal life has been rather hectic lately.