Having no idea what to do with the catatonic Slayer the Scoobies carefully bundled her back onto the bus, placing her on a seat as far away from the other bleeding Slayers' as possible. Giles took the wheel, letting a gravely injured Wood sit next to a strangely affectionate and attentive Faith. Willow sat with Kennedy running her hand through the potential-turned-Slayer's dark hair, both looking exhausted from the day's events. The rest of the newly turned Slayers were dotted about the front of the bus, either sitting quietly, thinking of everything that was to come and what they had just done, or were being tended to by Molly and a still very shaken Andrew.
Dawn and Xander were sat at the very back of the stolen school bus with Buffy. Dawn gently clutched at her older sister's hand, silently begging her to wake up and say something.
Xander's face was expressionless, although his tear-rimmed eyes were full of concern and sadness. He gently brushed a strand on Buffy's her from her face; he wasn't stupid. He knew what had caused this, or more importantly who. He wanted to be mad at both of them, Buffy for acting like this, and Spike for causing it. But he couldn't, not now. Not now he knew the pain Buffy was feeling, nor now that Anya, like Spike, had sacrificed herself, if not for Andrew, then to protect the Hellmouth.
He released a long, drawn out sigh.
His Anya. She was...well Anya. He loved her more than anything, even now long after their fiasco of a wedding. She had looked so beautiful that day, so blissfully happy, and he would never forget the sound of her soft, pleading voice begging him not to leave her and to marry her. The broken look she had worn as he walked away.
It was almost as though someone had ripped his heart out and played volleyball with it before crushing it beneath some heavy machinery. The physical pain was near unbearable, so no, he couldn't blame Buffy for her reaction to losing Spike. Even though he hadn't known she harboured any feelings towards the vampire, he had noticed their closeness during the last days in Sunnydale, and then, it had irked him. He had hated Spike for many reasons, foremost for what he had done with Anya and to Buffy.
He had wondered why Buffy was able to forgive him, to trust him again. But now he knew, she had been in love with him. Just as he was with Anya, just as he always had been even though she had her faults.
Faults that he would regular call her on, embarrassed and ashamed of her ‘inappropriate behaviour', of course she spoke and acted inappropriately sometimes, after all hadn't she been a demon for over a thousand years? How could he have been so blind, to not realise that? And now he would never have the chance to apologize and beg her forgiveness.
A large, hot tear rolled down his cheek. All the things he wished he could say to her, but would never be able to.
His mind screamed for her, hoping she could hear him, wherever she was. But he knew she couldn't, she was gone. She had left him here, alone. And he knew this was karma, come to bite him in the ass for what he'd done, for how he treated her.
Dawn looked from Buffy's face, to see Xander's crumple into tears. She had no words of comfort that would ease his grief; even after being around death for so long, she didn't know what she could possibly say. She carefully released her hand from Buffy's and pulled him into a hug so strong it could rival with one of her sister's.
She gripped him with such force Xander thought his ribs would break under the pressure, but he didn't care, clinging to the not-so-little-anymore Dawnie, he felt the violent jerks of her body as she cried. Cried for Buffy, Spike, Anya, and all the things she had lost in the Hellmouth.
Dawn's eyes were now overflowing with tears she felt would never stop. How could they all move on from this? There were so many jumbled, agonizing thoughts flying through her brain, all lasting a second before another one ripped its way through. The kind of grief she had felt twice before in her life rearing its ugly head and running through her body in agonising jolts. How could it be that Sunnydale was gone? Just gone...? Everything that was left there, just wiped off the map?
The school she once walked around every day, well almost every day. The Sunnydale Mall; which she had tried convincing Buffy to pilfer from-after the town's self-evacuation, of course-to little success. The Expresso Pump she walked past nearly every day and was only allowed hot chocolate from, a rule enforced by Buffy and eventually the rest of the Scoobies after Anya had given her a coffee that had almost literally made Dawn bounce off the walls. Revello Drive, where she had lived for the last seven years, five of which were magically fabricated, but Dawn preferred not to think about that. Tara's and her Mom's resting places...places she would never visit again.
Her sobs grew more and more urgent until she was struggling for breath, but she didn't care, she was so lost in an ocean of grief she wouldn't have noticed if the bus caught on fire. But she wasn't only grieving for the buildings she frequented in Sunnydale, but the lost lives of fellow warriors. Friends...
Friends she would never see again, who she had thought would always be there.
The potentials, which after shortly becoming Slayers had died in battle; she had been friends with all of them. She remembered late night talks in her room, laughing at their disgruntled looks after Buffy's speechifying, their excitement for weapons and patrolling, the look of fear whenever they thought of dying. Which now, they had. And Dawn grieved for their lives.
Anya, the ex-vengeance demon that had kind of grown on her, she had never felt the same love for Anya as she felt for the other Scoobies, but Anya had been a Scooby when it came down to it. And although Dawn felt a strong dislike for her in the beginning, she had come to enjoy the ex-demon's company, even laughing at her usually inappropriate comments. Comments that now would never be heard again. When Dawn thought this she held Xander tighter, knowing he was thinking along the same lines.
And Spike. Where did she start? He was Spike. Like the big brother she'd never had and yet she hadn't talked to him for most of the past year. The last time she'd really spoken to him replayed inside her head.
*****
"Spike. You sleep, right? You. Vampires. You sleep." She spoke casually, but with and ice-cold look in her eyes.
"Yeah...What's your point, Niblet?" Curious as to why she was asking such a question, one he knew she already knew the answer for.
"Well, I can't take you in a fight or anything, even with a chip in your head. But you do sleep. If you hurt my sister at all... touch her... you're gonna wake up on fire." Her sentence had started off in the same casual tone she had adopted in her previous question, but ended it in unconcealed anger and loathing.
*****
She doubted she would ever forget the shocked hurt that flashed across his face, that look would probably be burned into her memory for years to come.
And now she would never be able to apologize, never tell him she didn't mean it. That she was just so angry at the time that she didn't think.
After that, he had never referred to her with any of his usual pet names, and she couldn't blame him.
But again now, she was stuck knowing she would never be able to throw her arms round him and tell him that she had forgiven him and that she was sorry too . She would give almost anything to have that chance.
She gently unwound herself from Xander's embrace, wiping her eyes bitterly, knowing she didn't deserve the release that crying would bring. Looking back at Buffy she saw her sister's state hadn't changed from before.
Buffy was still staring sightlessly ahead, a small ghost of a smile lingering on her otherwise expressionless face.
Dawn felt angry, furious in fact, that Buffy could so easily slip inside her mind and forget all about the troubles surrounding her. Right now, Dawn needed her sister more than ever. As did Buffy's friends, and yet here she was, off in happy la-la-land.
She stood as abruptly as she could, considering they were speeding down a road at an extremely fast speed, and then stalked off to the front of the bus, gripping the hand-rails for support, leaving a quiet Buffy and Xander alone at the back.
Xander had watched as Dawn's face contorted in anger, at who he wasn't sure. Until she gave Buffy one last withering glare and stormed to the front of the bus to sit by herself.
All the while he stayed silent, already knowing without asking the question, what was wrong with the Dawnster. She couldn't understand why her sister was doing this; he had wondered that himself shortly after Glory had taken Dawn.
When they had needed her most, needed their leader the most, she had gone AWOL. Even after Willow had explained that it was most likely the shock of losing Dawn that had sent her into her mind, he had still struggled to understand why.
But now, after losing the thing most precious to him, he understood with completely.
Anya was alive now. But only in his memories, in the time they had shared together. That is where Buffy had been on that night, in her memories, going over details, and from what Willow had said at the time, imagining things that never happened but Buffy had thought about.
And now, Buffy was floating around inside her mind with Spike. The only place for her that she could still be with him, the only place she could tell him everything she hadn't said before.
That's what he could understand, wherever Buffy's mind had taken her, she could say all those things, even if it was only her imagination. He almost wished he could retreat into his own mind, if only to be in his memories with Anya.
Now he'd lost the one person that made him feel complete, he could describe it in all its vivid, gory detail. And he hated it.
Lost in his thoughts, he jumped out of his seat when he felt a hand gently touch his shoulder. Looking up he saw Willow's still glowing face, etched with sorrow looking back at him.
Although she emanating a soft, golden glow from her Slayer-creating spell, her face and eyes carried a haunted look that Xander knew wasn't just from the loss people who had fallen today.
He reached out and grasped her hand tightly, trying to convey his love for his best friend without words, and the sorrow he also felt.
Willow then let out a choked sob, and threw herself into Xander's already waiting arms.
Their home was gone, everything was gone. It was almost as if everything she had ever done in Sunnydale was erased, like the town itself. The things she had once done there, she would never do again, she would never return to U.C Sunnydale, drink coffee at the Expresso Pump, she would never again be able to visit Tara's graveside and talk to her.
A fresh wave of grief engulfed her, although she had already grieved for her soul mate, Willow knew that she could visit Tara still. Now she no longer had that, she had nothing to remind her of their too short time together, not even a grave to mark Tara's existence.
Xander's arms encircled yet another one of his friends, giving and receiving the comfort the embrace brought both of them.
"It's gone Xander... everything! Everything that ever happened in Sunnydale is gone" Her words struggling to push out from behind her, now hoarse from crying, voice. "She's gone. I never even said goodb-"Her sobs once again overpowering her.
"I know, sweetie. I know." Xander clung to her tightly, until her crying came to an abrupt halt.
"Oh goddess." Her already red-rimmed, tear filled eyes rapidly overflowing again. "Xander...I'm so sorry...Anya..." She had forgotten in her grief what Xander had lost today. He had lost someone who yesterday, hell even a few short hours ago, had still been alive and he was in love with.
Her face became distraught again. But Xander just smiled, not a happy smile, an understanding smile.
"I know." It was said gently, thick emotion colouring his tone. Willow looked at him, and for the first time she really saw the man that Xander had become. Not the wise-cracking, joke-making, sometimes insecure little boy; but the strong, brave and grown up man.
"I love you, Xand." Her voice soft still held the sadness that had choked it before, but was now full of the pride and affection she felt for him.
"I know. I love you too, Will." Placing a soft kiss on her forehead, he released her from his arms. Willow stayed beside him but switched her gaze to Buffy, throughout their whole emotional outpour she hadn't stirred.
Reaching over Xander's legs, she placed her hand on Buffy's knee.
"We love you too, you know. I don't know if you can hear me right now, but I promise we'll help you through this, Buffy. We love you." Gently retracting her hand, she wiped a tear from her glowing cheek.
Looking back at Xander she conveyed her concern through her eyes.
"We'll have to get Giles to look at her, I'm thinking something happened down in the Hellmouth...she seems catatonic again. Do you know what happened down there?" Still clueless as to what caused Buffy to retreat into her mind, Willow seemed to ask such an obvious question that Xander was confused for a moment.
Then he remembered his speech to Dawn, about how he could now see things others seemed to overlook. Like the closeness between Spike and Buffy towards the end.
"Spike. He...the amulet..." Xander sighed, "He never came out and I can't think of anything else except the amulet that could have done that much damage. I mean, we didn't know what it was for, or what it did. Maybe that was the price of closing the hellmouth...Spike."
Willow was silent for a moment, her expression sad, before speaking again. "But why would Buffy-" She looked shocked for a second before continuing in a whisper. "Was something going on again? Between Buffy and Spike?"
"I'm not sure, but before the final battle, they seemed...I dunno...close?" Already sensing what Willow was going to say he carried on, waving his hand in front of him submissively. "It's a thing, the guy with no powers sees things the powerful beings around him don't; even with only one eye...heh..." Realising during his talk with Dawn he had both eyes, but trying to make light of the fact that only one remained now.
Clearly confused, Willow stayed quiet, contemplating what Xander said. Coming to a decision she stood, wavering slightly when the bus jerked left slightly. Looking back down at Xander she saw his questioning gaze.
"I'm just gonna go up front, talk to Giles, let him know we need to find a hospital for the wounded soon, and some accommodation so I can try and help Buffy." Her voice once again becoming strong and in charge, like it sometimes did when Buffy was out of action.
Smiling at her back as she carefully made her way to the front of the bus to speak with Giles, he wondered when Willow had become so confident, so grown up and ready to take command. He couldn't help but feel slightly awed at the change in her.
He gaze, once again, slid back to the catatonic Slayer by his side. He remembered what Willow had done to help Buffy last time she'd been like this. But he knew that if Willow dived into their friend's memories this time, she might not be so prepared for it.
If it was time Buffy had spent with Spike in there, it was not only more intimately private, but for all they knew could be downright dangerous. From what little Buffy had told him, their relationship after Buffy returned from Heaven had not been healthy in the least. And Buffy had, in time, assumed a lot of the blame for that, so he wasn't entirely sure that Willow would be ready to see Buffy's thoughts of that dark time.
~*~*~*~
"Hey, Giles." Willow spoke softly, as she approached him from behind. "Umm don't suppose you know what time we'll reach L.A?" The sky was now streaked in pink and purple hues; she hoped they would reach the city before night fall.
"We'll get there when we get there, Willow!" Giles raised his voice in exasperation. Casting a look at the taken aback expression on the witch's glowing face, he hastened to add. "I'm sorry; I shouldn't be taking this out on you. I'm quite worried about Buffy, has she spoken at all since leaving Sunnydale?"
Willow shook her head sadly; she too was worried for Buffy.
"No, but I think it's the same thing that happened when Glory snatched Dawn. I mean that's the only time I've seen her like this... Y'know catatonia or something..." She saw Giles nodding.
"Of course, fallen comrades. I expect this has hit her particularly hard considering she was their leader."
"Xander seems to think that it has something to do with...Spike." She hesitating in saying his name, she knew that Giles and Buffy had non-physical blows over the vampire recently. She still wasn't entirely sure what had happened, but at the same time hadn't wanted to pry.
"Yes, I had come to that conclusion to..." His quiet voice trailed off, as though lost in thought. Before saying abruptly, "I'm afraid we will have to call on at Wolfram and Hart."
"Wolfram and Hart? What's that?" Willow had never heard of it before, but it sounded...otherworldly.
"Wolfram and Hart, a law firm that deals in...Well evil, unfortunately." Giles seemed very uneasy which didn't help Willow's nerves.
"But if it's an evil law firm, why are we going there?" A fair question, thought Giles.
"My sources tell me that it is under new management..." He trailed off, as if hesitant to say who the new management were.
"Giles...?" Willow was quickly becoming agitated and impatient.
"Yes...well it appears the new C.E.O, is in fact Angel."
TBC...
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Okay, this chapter is just the aftermath and they all realise exactly what they've lost, but next chapter we'll delve into Buffy's mind and see what's going on in there =)
Again, this is unbeta'd
Hope you enjoy this chapter, and thank you for the lovely reviews last time, they really helped me get this chapter out quicker than I thought I'd be able to.
Again, this is unbeta'd
Hope you enjoy this chapter, and thank you for the lovely reviews last time, they really helped me get this chapter out quicker than I thought I'd be able to.
Chapter End Notes:
Endnotes: Thanks for reading, please review =)