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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you for the lovely reviews last time =) I'm pleased you all agreed that the guilt wasn't over-written because I really have no idea want I could have cut out haha


This is (unfortunately) unbeta'd but as soon as my usually proof-reader Kay gets back off her holiday she will give it a look over, that being said if you see anything that annoys you no end, please feel free to tell me =) But anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter, sorry for its shortness
Buffy opened her eyes with a jolt, looking around she realised where she was and as a result became confused. Had she imagined the whole thing?


She was sat next to the island counter in her kitchen, in her home. Which if she remembered correctly should be at the bottom of a Sunnydale sized crater right now. Her brow furrowed and her lower lip came out slightly as she tried to remember a few moments before she had suddenly been sat there.


And then she noticed something that was not there to be noticed; noise. Where was everyone? It was almost eerily quiet and it worried her. Had something happened?


As soon as Buffy began to panic the back door flew open, and in a flurry of smoke, blanket and cursing, Spike appeared.


Buffy's hand flew to her mouth, her eyes wide. It hit her like an iron fist; she remembered everything. The battle, the hellmouth, their joint hands aflame, his denial of her love, leaving him to die a champion, the bus... She knew in that instant exactly what had happened, she wasn't really here right now but trapped inside her mind.


She stared silently as he stomped the small flames from the blanket, her throat clogged with emotion. She knew this wasn't really Spike, only a figment of her imagination, but she also knew it was the best she could ever hope for again. RealSpike was gone, but here in her mind was another Spike, a Spike that could never leave her because he wasn't actually real. Buffy's face split into a huge grin and she launched herself at the vampire. Wrapping her arms tightly around his waist she tucked her face into his neck and breathed in his scent.


Buffy sighed happily; her imagination had captured everything perfectly.


"...Buffy, you feelin' okay, pet?"


"Hmmm?" Buffy smiled up at his confused face, and then jumped backwards a step, releasing him. "Oh yeah, sorry...I just...where have you been?"


Still looking bewildered at her strange behaviour Spike remembered why he had braved the sun to come here rather than just wait for nightfall. "Yeah here's the thing... I can't remember a soddin' thing."


"Huh?" Her nose scrunched up adorably.


"Everythin's blank, all I remember is wakin' up in my crypt, then comin' here. Oh an' a right weird dream...Buffy?" He watched as her face paled and she started to look scared. "What is it?"


Buffy seemed to come back to herself, "Oh, nothing...Just kinda spaced, heh sorry..." She almost cringed when she heard her voice shake, could she make that sound any more of a lie? But Spike just nodded, accepting her excuse.


"So...what was the dream about?" Buffy berated herself silently for her hesitant tone.


Spike sighed and sat down onto the stool Buffy had just vacated, "Can't remember most of it, just flashes. You were in it, fightin' along with all the wannabe Slayers, you told me you l— just before I woke up I think I dusted, in a big pillar of fire type o' thing." He shuddered slightly, remembering.


Buffy turned away from him, discreetly trying to wipe the tears that had escaped her eyes. Why did he remember? This was supposed to be her mind, and in her fantasy world he did not remember his death. This couldn't really be Spike, could it? That was crazy, her Spike was dead. His body was dust in the bottom of the now-closed Hellmouth.


His ashes were, but where had his soul gone? Now that he had one, where would it go? Buffy had considered it briefly before, but realising it was stupid and Spike would never leave, because he was Spike, she had dismissed the thought entirely. But he had, and she realised she had no idea where he was. Unless this was her Spike, but that idea was so unrealistic she cast it aside for now.


But why did he remember? Even if he only thought it was a dream.


"You alright?" She felt his hands hovering close to her skin before he dropped them to his sides, unsure of whether he should use touch to comfort her or not. RealSpike would probably do that, he had still been somewhat hesitant with physical contact before the battle, sure he had held her those last few nights, but during the day he had remained distant.


Turning around, Buffy looked at him with blurry vision. "Yup, m'good." Her voice was light and playful, causing Spike to smile. The kind of smile she only saw when it was just the two of them.


"So, where is everyone?" He moved away and Buffy had to fight the urge to either move with him or just grab him and pull him back. Then his question registered; what should she say? What could she say? Then words just started falling from her mouth like word-vomit.


"They all went on another field trip thingy with Giles, something about needing a break Giles said. Which is true I guess, I mean we could all do with a break but the Sl-potentials especially." She turned away from the vampire; she felt awful lying to him. "The others decided to tag along, so it's just lil' old me here." She plastered a bright smile on her face and turned back towards him, wringing her hands.


Spike chuckled, "Glad o' the break, eh?" Something seemed off with her story; he couldn't imagine Giles and everyone just taking a ‘break' days before the big showdown. But then again, what reason did Buffy have to lie to him about it?


"Heh, like you can't imagine." Spike looked at her, for some reason he couldn't fathom she seemed nervous maybe even a little scared. He had learnt a long time ago with Buffy that it was best to let her open up in her own time about things that were on her mind rather than force her into telling him, so he didn't mention it.


"What's on the agenda today then? More research?" Spike watched Buffy as her face turned sour at the thought of research, he managed to smother his laughter. "Right, no research."


"Can we just...I dunno, watch a movie or something?" At his bemused look she continued, "I just mean with everyone gone and the house empty it's be nice to just...chillax for the day."


"Chillax?" His raised an eyebrow, fighting a smirk.


"Yeah, y'know chill out, relax." At his look she said, indignantly, "All the kids are using it nowadays." She sniffed lightly and stalked off but before leaving the room she turned back with a smile and giggled.


Spike wasn't sure if he'd ever seen her act this playful and carefree before, at least not around— and definitely not towards— him.


"Sure they are, luv." He stood and followed her through to the living room.


Upon entering the room, Spike nearly walked straight into her. She was stood just inside the doorway, staring at something. He poked his head round and gasped as he saw what had caught her attention. "Bloody hell..." He whispered; his voice strained.


"Oh god," Buffy's voice shook as she looked at the scene in front of them. "Oh my god, Spike I..."


They both watched in horror as another Spike and Buffy re-enacted the moment that had haunted the both of them for the past year. As if watching a particularly horrific car crash, neither could pull their eyes away.


"I'm gunna make you feel it!"


"No! Stop!"


Then something changed.


Spike was sitting against the bathtub, looking at Buffy with horror painting every inch of his face over what had almost happened. The real Buffy and Spike watched as slowly Buffy crawled over to where the other Spike was now huddled up with tears of remorse streaming down his face.


"Shhh, it's okay, it's okay baby, shhh," Buffy drew Spike into her arms, ignoring his weak struggles to pull himself away, she held him tightly as he collapsed in harsh sobs and stroked his hair, murmuring nonsense yet comforting noises into his ear.


Real Buffy and Spike stood, paralyzed, by what they were seeing, both with different reactions.


Buffy wished more than anything that it had happened this way, she had imagined this scenario so many times and that was probably why it had appeared now. She thought about it so much over the past year, about how Spike wasn't fully to blame for that night, about how many times she had told him ‘no' only to really mean ‘yes', how she had hurt him, used him and near enough crushed everything he was by taking her pain out on him. She doubted she would ever regret anything else so much in her life.


But as Spike watched the scene unfold, his thoughts turned angry; he still didn't understand what the hell was happening but as the other Buffy held Spike in her arms, telling him it was okay and that she forgave him, Spike felt furious. How could she just forgive that? He had tried to rape her and now she comforted him? Suddenly Spike felt sick, what would he have done if it had played out like that? Would he have fallen into the Slayer's arms and accepted her forgiveness? He couldn't honestly say he wouldn't have.


Moving away from the doorway, away from Buffy he walked calmly back into the kitchen he had just left, and promptly vomited into the sink. After emptying his stomach, Spike sat down on the floor with a thud. What had he just seen? Had the soul finally driven him crazy? That would explain Buffy's playful behaviour earlier.


"Spike?" Buffy entered the kitchen, looking pale. "Oh god, Spike are you okay?" She rushed forward, unsure of what to do. She knew that the memory of that night haunted him, but she didn't know how she should comfort him. Or how she could explain what had just happened.


Hesitantly her hand rose, inching closer to his ashen face. When she touched his skin it was deathly cold, much colder than the room temperature he usually was. She ran her finger tips down his prominent cheekbones and instead of jerking away like she expected, he turned his piercing azure gaze on her, looking slightly crazed. "Buffy?"


"I'm here, its o-"


"Don't!" He barked, making Buffy jump slightly, he lowered his voice, "Don't say its okay," His voice cracked, and tears flooded his eyes. "S'not okay."


Still running her fingers over his face, she gave him a small smile, "Fine...it's alright." His face crumpled and he tried turning away but she placed her hands fully on each side of his head, holding him in place. "I forgive you, Spike. I did a long time ago. That night...we were both to blame. I hurt you so much more than you hurt me." He began shaking his head in denial. "I'm so sorry I hurt you, Spike."


And finally he fell into the circle of her arms and cried. Buffy felt herself tear up as she felt his body jerk with the sobs he couldn't control, she pressed a tender kiss to his temple. "I love you."


His sobs came to an abrupt halt and he reeled backwards out of her embrace. Buffy's face was a picture of hurt and rejection, she remembered Spike's earlier words in the Hellmouth: ‘No you don't, but thank for sayin' it', and her heart ached.


Buffy watched as his face went from confused to pained to absolute shock in a few quick seconds; she wondered what he could be thinking. She felt the sting of rejection creeping up as she waited for him to speak, and the longer he remained silent the more hurt she began to feel. What if he didn't love her? What if her mind had conjured up a Spike who had never loved her?


"It wasn't a dream."


Buffy thought her heart stopped when she heard those words, how did he know? And if he knew, did that mean that somehow her Spike was really here? She didn't know how it was possible but if she was right and Spike was really here...


A maniacal chuckle broke through her thoughts and she looked at her vampire, he was staring wildly at her, while choking on an insane laughter she had never heard him make before.



"Spike...?"



"I'm dead."






TBC...


Chapter End Notes:
Endnotes: Hmm will she tell him that: No, he isn't dead? Or will she let him believe that he is? I thought it would be best to let Spike realise something was up early on rather than Buffy trying to sneak around and keep him from finding out he's inside her mind, and I will get to the part of how he got there soon =) Thank you for reading and please review cuz they make my entire week!



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