When Spike woke up, he had a warm body lying in his arms. He could so easily make love to her in their position. However, he was still hurt by her remarks from last night. He probably should have asked if they were planning to live together in Sunnydale. It would have been better if he spoke to her first about it, or if she came to him with the idea. She would have felt in more control of her life.
The men in her life seemed to always make the decisions for her; He, unknowingly, fell into that category. Angel had left her, deciding she and him wouldn’t work, Riley had left her, deciding the same thing and even her fling with Parker, he had decided she wasn’t worth a second go. Worst of all, her father left her without giving her the choice.
He sighed as he realized she had never been given the choice of having her own decisions made and stuck to. Her mother had coddled her a lot and her friends…well they were always in her business. Giles tried to protect her from the world, only to desert her when she needed him the most. He didn’t want to be that person in her life. He wanted to be the solid individual who cares for her and loves her. He wanted to be there when she cried and hold her while she slept. He wanted to be there when she wanted to make love, and to be there when she wanted to relax. He wanted to spend his life with her and couldn’t imagine not having that chance now that he had experienced so much with her these past two weeks.
He let out a deep sigh as he brushed his hand over her hair, enjoying the softness of the golden waves.
As she slept, he continued to look on, thinking about the past and how much his life has changed in the last few years. He went from caring for Dru, to her ignoring him because her ‘Daddy’ came back-and then she left him completely. When he returned to Sunnydale, he had a chip shoved in his head, making it impossible to really be a vampire. He could no longer fight or kill Buffy. He was no longer driven by the basic nature to want to kill the Slayer. Spike had time to really look at her, really enjoy her personality; who she really was. It didn’t take him long to fall in love with her. Spike, of course, helped her and her friends with saving the world and what not.
He chuckled at the memory of when he helped Buffy save the world from Acathla. Spike quickly stifled his laugh, worried he would wake Buffy.
Before meeting Buffy, he had never been a normal vampire and had always longed for more meaning to life. Growing up in nineteenth century England and writing poetry everyday, wasn’t high on the entertainment scale so the thrill of being powerful and above the law had drawn him in. As a vampire, he had enjoyed the occasional excitement and adventure that came his way. He had travelled, explored and seen it all. For a while he even had a family. Drusilla, Angel and Darla had been his family and he had assumed it would be enough but even that had ended. Spike had taken great joys in his vampire life but after the fighting had stopped, when the adventures were over, there had been an ache and a hunger for something more. Then he had met Buffy.
Now, with Buffy, he was able to live a life with just enough excitement between them; fighting and sparring and making love. Whenever an apocalypse would come, he would be there for her every step of the way. They would fight demons every night, together-as partners. He could be happy forever -or at least until her life is over. Spike planned to have her be the longest lived Slayer.
Leaning down and placing a kiss on her head, he thought to himself that he didn’t want to live without her. If she really decided to not have them together, he would ask her to stake him, and knowing her, she would do it.
He wished life was easy for her. He wished she didn't have to fight alone so often and have so much be expected of her. He felt that the whole, "Only Slayer chosen to save the world" bit was a total bugger of an idea. If he was by her side, she would never have to fight alone again. Her destiny would be different. She would have help, a companion and life so much longer.
Spike only hoped Buffy and him could talk about things. He hadn’t meant to bugger it all up with assumptions. He could kick his own ass for messing up things so badly.
He felt Buffy stir and braced himself for the start of a new fight, but instead, Buffy said nothing. She got out of bed, depositing Fuzzball onto the floor and then went to the table to eat breakfast.
Buffy, herself, had been awake, almost an hour, and not said a word to Spike. Instead she had kept her eyes closed and thought about the night before. She hadn't meant to get so mad but he had just assumed she was letting him move in. Just thinking about it got her emotions up again but she had to admit, the assumption was probably based on reality. They had been living together for at least two weeks. If he was anyone but Spike she would have made the same assumption. Admitting that would mean she would have to confess she was sorry and she couldn't embarrass herself like that. She wasn't sure what to even say to him right now. Since she was being honest with herself, she could acknowledge that she was afraid if she said anything that it would turn into a discussion and she just wasn't ready. She was actually angry the discussion had even come up so now she had to think about it. She didn't want to admit she wanted him by her side. She didn't want to admit she was used to him being there. She didn't want to admit in this world she needed him and that she probably needed him back in Sunnydale as well.
Buffy could have thought about this for longer only her stomach growled and knowing his perfect enhanced hearing, he had to hear it.
Spike stayed in bed and watched her eating, thinking she didn’t have dinner or much lunch yesterday so she must be starving. It would be in his best interest to wait until she was full and content to bring anything up. He watched her eat and when she was finished, she came back over to sit on the bed to get her clothing on for the day.
Spike's mind was going crazy as he got out of bed and got dressed. He wasn’t in the mood for feeding anyway.
Buffy turned around half way dressed. “You need to feed.”
Spike rolled his eyes. “I’m not in the mood.”
Buffy was now pissed. She was angry at herself all morning and now she could redirect it to Spike for rejecting her. She held her head high, and strong, willing the tears to stay at bay. She would not cry in front of him, and instead got dressed, and walked out of the room without saying another word to Spike.
Spike wasn’t sure what to do with that and called for the maid to inquire about the training room. When he was informed that it was open until the afternoon, he decided to go there to blow off some steam.
Buffy wandered through the shops and into the garden. Sunnydale didn’t have very many gardens, so she never gave much thought to how calming and relaxing it could be to sit in one. Her tears began to fall as she leaned against a tree in the center of the flowers. The locals were busy in the shops, thankfully leaving her alone to her sorrows. It would be confusing if someone were to try and console her because she still could not understand the language.
Confusion filled her mind, as she wondered what she was going to do with Spike, and how she was going to handle the situation.
They could live easily here. Spike was able to interact with the people, getting along with them. He seemed to fit in with the King and the locals. The illusions of normalcy were easy to imagine in this world. In Sunnydale, Spike was an outcast. When they are to go back, no one would accept them. Buffy would have to choose between her friends and Spike. No matter what she did, someone would be disappointed.
She wanted to return home, but she also liked it here. The locals seemed…human. Sure the horns of the locals were weird, but really they lived normal human lives. They had their houses, shopping, eating, hunting, and making families. There was no difference to anything that was expected out of a normal human being. As a matter of a fact, Spike seemed normal here. He didn't stand out as a 'vampire' but instead as an individual who she needed.
Her body began to shudder from her crying, the confusion of what to do and where she wanted to be was making it harder to take.
She frowned, bending her knees and bringing them up to her chest. Buffy wrapped her arms around her knees and began to rock as she tried to make sense of it all. She was stuck in a world with Spike, which was nice actually. She couldn’t think of anyone else she would have liked to be stuck with. Willow would have spent the whole time doing one spell after another and ruined the point of this situation. Xander would have made it through, but would have kept his distance and spent time apologizing for her being so messed up. Giles would have been probably on the King’s bad side and definitely wouldn’t have been able to save her so many times. None of her friends would have.
She sighed, realizing none of her friends could really save her, nor be her equal and help her. She was beyond their help in a way. She fought demons and vampires nightly, which none of them could really do. They could tag along for company but when push came to shove, she would have to fight alone half the time saving their butts. With Spike that was different.
She got up, eager to burn off some steam, and figured she’d go use the suit the maid gave her and go swim for a while. If she knew Spike, he would probably be in the training room burning off steam so that would leave the pool open.
She opened the door to the room to find it indeed empty. Fuzzball was curled up on her pillow munching on leaves that Spike must have put out for him. Spike was always thinking of others. He was an evil, soulless vampire, but he was one of the most caring people she knew.
She grabbed a towel from the bathroom and brought along her robe, in case she were interrupted, and began to walk down to the pool.
She swung her towel as she walked, wondering if she had no friends, would she give in to being in a relationship with Spike? She frowned, realizing she was already in a relationship with Spike but the point was would she continue it? She would like to think she wouldn’t but she knew deep down if it was just her, Dawn and Spike she would no questions asked. No Giles to say he was disappointed in her, no Willow to frown and look upon her with pity and no Xander to judge and rant and rave, she would be happily in a relationship with Spike and probably even play the part of living happily ever after. She’d probably live longer and healthier, as well as, be safer with him around. In that case, so would Dawn. Spike would protect both of them with his un-life and he had proven it time and time again.
She dove into the water with her mind still full with thoughts she wished she could banish. She just wanted people to stop judging her. What was it that Spike said her friends do? Control her…that’s what he said they do. She realized that he was right.
Willow went and pursued a lesbian relationship without talking to her about it, Xander pursued an ex-demon without her, and Giles left England without her, so therefore, why wasn’t she able to have her own life and be with whom she wanted to be with?
She panted, feeling her muscles strain with how fast she was swimming and how many laps she had done, but she didn’t stop. She couldn’t. She thought about Dawn’s approval and how supportive she had been with Xander and Willow’s decisions, time and time again, and how she was always expected to overlook and accommodate.
She wanted Spike.
She felt one of her legs cramp up from the strain but she kept swimming again and again as she continued to think. She realized she really did want Spike. She wanted his annoying personality as much as his eager and excited personality. He was able to bring energy and dedication to the table. Who was always the one that was there for her saving her ass and who was willing to walk with her side by side? He would have easily gone with her to save Dawn if she hadn’t of shut him out of her life. He was there last year before she died when Tara had made the demons invisible. He was there when the thing was attacking her mom and he was there when she was sad about her mom. How many other people would drop what they were doing to really be there for her?
She frowned, realizing they would as long as nothing in their life was more urgent. Everyone always came to her expecting her to fix things. For once, she wanted to be able to go to someone else to fix things.
She pulled herself out of the pool, dying to hit something. She put on her robe and wandered down to the training room, getting looks from the guards as she passed by various doors. She couldn’t care less. She just wanted to break something and feel pain.